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Hearts Project: The Hero Stories ~Comments

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12/28/2008 15:23:04   
Cheddar
Member

Link To Book

Hearts Project: The Hero Stories is a series of short stories [several may be considered long enough to be novellas] that center around four prophecied Heroes who will fight their counterparts the four legendary Villains to decide the fate of the virtual Planet Hearts.

The plot focuses on Roy Iron, Jeff Graip, Chung Yan, and Kimberly Black. Unlike the typical superhero team, these guys don't care about protecting the world or anything like that. They would much rather play Hearts Project the game for the fun of it. Below is a list of the stories that will appear in the series and descriptions for them.

Prologue - A short introduction to the first two main characters, Roy and Jeff. It also reveals some information about the game.
Story 1: A Story Unfolds - Roy and Jeff enter the game, but for some reason do not appear where they are supposed to when they are digitized. They each meet different companions who help them find their way back to the real world.

Constructive criticism, as well as comments and questions, is appreciated.

< Message edited by Cheddar -- 2/9/2009 17:21:59 >
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1/9/2009 16:51:16   
Fleur Du Mal
Member

Hi! I liked the concept you described in the above post so I decided to go and read the Prologue. I got a little confused about if this takes place on a virtual planet that is called Hearts that has the game in it or if it takes place on a sort of edited version of planet Earth (Japan intersected by the Great Wall etc) and the game is the virtual planet Hearts?

I think the beginning was written quite nicely, with the speech intertwined with thoughts as reaction. In the latter part, I'd wish for some more movements and actions in between the speechlines, it feels just a tad choppy now, imho, with the asked-answered-said-asked pattern and not much else. It would be a good place to introduce the characters a bit more by their actions in the midst of the dialogue, imo.

For example, since this conversation takes place at lunch time, you could add something like this:
'"So where exactly do you go to buy this game?" asked Roy, brushing some bread crumbs from his lap.'

This is, however, only a suggestion made according to my own stylistic preferences.

Another point I thought could do with more elaboration is the game itself, just because you mentioned that the prologue would reveal what the game is like. Do they use guns in it? What rules besides the complex law enforcement they expect there to be or not to be, etc? Even if the characters don't know it exactly, I bet they would try to guess a bit?


One nitpicky thing:
quote:

It is because carbon has four valence electrons and can easily gain or lose them through ionic or covalent bonding.

The way this is formulated now makes it sound like carbon would lose electrons through covalent bonding. Actually, as you probably know yourself, the reason why carbon is such a splendid combound maker is because it's tendency to covalent bonding where it shares an elecron pair with the other atom -> one electron from the carbon, the other from the binding atom, such as hydrogen. Therefore, I'd suggest rewording this to:
'It is because carbon has four valence electrons and has a high tendency to use them in forming electron pairs in covalent bonding with other atoms.'
DF  Post #: 2
1/24/2009 21:19:26   
Cheddar
Member

Heh. Thanks for the compliment and criticism. Anyway, yes, you might call it an alternate version of Earth, but everything on Earth happens exactly the same as our Universe up until 2012. This story takes place around the year 3000. This book and a few others I plan to write will contain info regarding things like The Great Wall and other mysteries of this Universe. Hearts is the planet where the game takes place.

Also, I agree about the sort of lifelessness of the characters and will fix it immediately. I tend to do this when I get caught up with telling the story, rather than showing the story.

This story itself introduces the "rules of the game" much later, since the main charactes won't exactly enter the game the same way as everyone else. This will be elaborated on in "A Story Unfolds".

As for the carbon thing, I sort of wrote this right before going to bed, so I wasn't thinking straight. I'll use your text. Thanks XP.

I'll be adding the beginning of "A Story Unfolds" when I think I have written enough of it to keep readers occupied.

Edit 1: Regarding the asked-answered-said pattern. Another reason I didn't put in much action there is because the characters in that part won't be appearing much throughout the rest of the book. After the second story, chances are I won't include them at all [no, they don't die >.>...they just aren't important enough to use a whole bunch].

Edit 2: As for elaborating on the game, I shouldn't have actually said that it reveals what the game is like =P. I edited it to say it reveals some information about the game. The prologue isn't supposed to reveal a whole bunch about the game =P.

Edit 3: Due to complications with documenting A Story Unfolds, I decided to post it here. My Microsoft Works isn't working well =\. I should have gotten the Microsoft Office Suite when I got this computer after all XP.


< Message edited by Cheddar -- 1/24/2009 23:49:22 >
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