Nightly
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Well since you were nice enough to post on my thread (I'll fix it eventually :P) I'll come by and stalk yours! :D
quote:
A draconic head wreathed by lighting was slowly forming, the pale blue-green steaks of lightning lighting up the pool’s dark and bottomless depths.
Are they supposed to be the same?
quote:
Another face flitted behind the dragon’s face, a more human face, but it was quickly fading into nothingness.
You change your tense here, doesn't help the flow to much.
quote:
The hurricane force winds began to twist around the column of rushing water, holding it in place.
Not to be nitpicky, but shouldn't the "hurricane force" winds have some sort of affect on your character?
quote:
The draconic being strode up to the column of writhing water and places both of her hands on the surface of the water. She closed her eyes and sighed. She then begins to scold the water the way a mother would scold a misbehaving child.
Again with the tense change.
quote:
Suddenly, Shayla raised her hands and murmured a few words of petition to Kelfer, pleading for patience and help. She then pushed her hands down, causing her to soar to the bottom of the pool, bulling the irate water down behind her.
Hold on there partner. When you push down in water, you go up, so she should of gone up to the top not down to the bottom. And usually, soar is used when you're flying or something. Like really high :D
quote:
She then proceeded to refasten the calming and binding magic to the water, all the while soothing it.
"on the water" sounds more appropriate.
quote:
Leaca smoothes out her soggy clothes with one hand as she replies, “After that episode, I couldn’t agree more Shayla. That was very painful this time. But first things first, we must report to the queen about what all has happened.”
Tense, tense, tense. As well as the paragraph after, which I won't quote so that you won't be rubbing your eyes and muttering stupid Nightly.
quote:
“Show me the rebels! De’emorgtan!” the vampire ordered curtly. The images swiftly shifted until they slowed down, revealing a large mountain range.
She growled in anger, “I already know they’re in the mountains! Show me their leader! Morge’goren!”
You can have that on the same line as mountain range :P
quote:
Lightening fills the air as the dragon flees.
I don't think you would want that word in there. Especially if you know what it means :/
Here be the end of Chapter 1.
Shall I continue?
< Message edited by Nightly -- 9/7/2009 20:28:34 >
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