Forbidden to Love You <<Comments>> <Chap. 4>


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1/3/2009 10:09:30

Crimzon5
Member

Have you ever seen something that you wanted so badly but just couldn’t obtain? You can grasp for it as much as you want, but no matter how weak, how strong, how dumb, how smart, how poor, nor how rich you are, the odds are zero. It’s like when I was a kid; there was a toy in display but not for sale. What’s the logic in that? Just to play with people’s desires? But as time would come along, the aspiration to obtain these material objects would just eventually fade like memories. Sounds like a good thing, right? But with maturity comes the yearning for something else, something which not even money could buy. And whether you like it or not, it’s in display, but you can’t have it.

Story: http://forums2.battleon.com/f/tm.asp?m=15318646
Genre: Romance, duh
Short info: Story is written in the first-person POV and focuses on Dean Viladoli, a troublesome teen who learns to admire Bailey Sung, a girl who has Dean's opposite beliefs and moralistic pratices.
Reason for title:

spoiler:

It will be a 'powerful' quote in the story

Inspiration: Uhh... my lips are sealed

Warning: I am aware the this is a PG-13 forum and there are no things such as nudity in this story. However, some characters would tend to ingore their manners and curse. This is however legal as stated by the L&L board rules.

< Message edited by Crimzon5 -- 1/16/2009 9:03:19 >

Post #: 1

1/3/2009 15:31:10

Xirminator
Member

This is very good. I liked the story, it's easy to fall in with the characters. I get the impression you're setting the basis for the rest of the story somehow. There were very few mistakes, some of which I believe are simply typos.

Anyway:

quote:

It was inevitable to notice her sarcasm – something we often receive from school faculty and officials.

There's nothing actually wrong here, but I wouldn't use "inevitable" here. Perhaps a simple "It was easy to notice her sarcasm" would suffice.

quote:

My tone showed comfortable I was; it was probably annoying her in many ways – that’s why I chose such an accent.

I think you missed a word there. Perhaps "how"?
I'm also unsure of what you mean by accent at the end. If the character has deliberately switched to an accent, mention it earlier. Otherwise, the reader would not understand what you mean.

quote:

I was the second-to-the-last and Carl was at my back.

"I was second-to-last" is fine. That particular "the" is unnecessary and you can drop it.
I would rephrase the end, though. "... and Carl was behind me." It's not wrong, but I think "behind me" suits it better. I think you mention "at my back" several other times, so make sure to look into them, okay?

quote:

either sharing answers or eying someone else’s.

I'm not sure about this. Although some people use "else's" in casual conversation, I don't think it it grammatically correct. (I asked somebody, and am quoting verbatim :P) The spellchecker shows it as wrong. Maybe you could try a different way of saying it?

quote:

Now back to the seating arrangement,

I personally would end the sentence right here, instead of using a comma and continuing the sentence. The following part is rather long, so you might want to keep things clear.

quote:

Five minutes before the tests started, I offered her a large.

Not sure what you mean by large.

quote:

If it wasn’t for our plan, our ‘cheat host’ would have been very isolated from us.

The way you say it, by using "isolated" sounds as if she wants to be with them, in my opinion. Technically, it's not wrong, but I would emphasize that she would be far away from them, and they would thus be unable to cheat.

quote:

She looked back at me, after checking if the proctor was looking, and said, “Some guy locked me in the C.R. I don’t know who that person is, but someone let me out after five minutes.”

I doubt she'd be very aware of the time if she'd just been locked in. (I wouldn't :P) But it's your call.

quote:

“How was the tests? Not that I’m a grade conscious person…”

Since "tests" is plural, "was" should be "were".

quote:

we placed our arms over the other’s shoulder.

I would say "each others shoulders."

That's all I had to say. Pretty good work!

Post #: 2

1/4/2009 0:28:41

Crimzon5
Member

Heh, okay, let me introduce to you a routine me and Fabula do called "making up excuses" - I mean countering.

@1: heh, Fabula's story "Avoiding the Inevitable" made me like that word. But yeah, I'll change it

@2: Yeah, I lacked that word. Anyways, I added the phrase '...I chose such an accent instead of the polite, fear-evident tone which many scolded students use'

@3: I'll avoid redundancy for now... but

spoiler:

Redudundancy can be used - if properly - for powerful reads

@4: Okay, that's a new thing I learned today

@6: What happened to the word smoothie? Tsk... must've been erased when I did some editing

@7: Good point. Added the phrase + sentence: '...from us, making it impossible to cheat. We couldn’t let that happen, now could we?'

@8: Knowing the she was late, she used the estimate of 5 minutes. I mean, people usually use 1,2, and 5 minutes for every short time estimates

@9: I tend to keep my characters to have very slight, casual, and informal grammar

and gee, thanks!

Post #: 3

1/4/2009 16:39:36

Fleur Du Mal
Member

Aww, I brainwashed you to like that word? That's so sweet! [/weird comment =P]

Note on layout: Did you leave out the title from the first post of the story out on purpose? (Chapter 1 or something?)

Anyways, I enjoyed the beginning, with the spiking of the start with the proctor telling the duo is "in trouble", known for their mischieviousness and then giving an example of just that, displaying some of their character.

I do think that there was some trouble in the pacing as the chapter went on. As if the good rhythm from the start would've blurred when the friends Paul, Tony, Elizabeth and Jennifer stepped to the stage. I'll try to point out the paragraph where I felt this way in the below list. Also, the ending with Dean's mother coming to pick him up and fastening the seatbelts etc felt a bit detached somehow. Can't figure out a quick suggestion to "fix" it though, --if it even needs to be fixed --- as I don't know the story well enough yet.

[odd comment]I'm interested to see how the romance unravels. Depending on the details, I might have a comment about the story title. I'll just wait and see.[/odd comment]

1)

quote:

Also mentioned by the hostile proctor, we were late.

A suggestion: since this is affirming something that was said earlier, I think you might stress it more, to give it more impact by adding one word:
'...we were definitely late.'

2)

quote:

We were called by the SUH for some reasons which you would probably expect from us.”

SUH? You never tell what's behind that abbreviation. Imo, a good place would be in the beginning of the next paragraph, when Viladoli tells the form's fake. Eg.
'Oh yes, did I forget to mention that the form was fake? We had received no call from the Sxxx Uxxx Hxxx.'
Also, since this is speech and probabaly not so informal, you could make it more laid back with:
'for some reasons you'd probably expect'
Unless Mr Viladoli is minding his grammar for the proctor... =P

3)

quote:

Neither of us was good in physics, so we took the latter option. Now back to the seating arrangement.

Might I suggest splitting the paragraph at this point and adding a comma between 'Now' and 'back'. Imo, this would add some pausing that would fit the narrative voice as he prepares to explain to the reader how the scheme worked. The pausing would create more feel of him saying in between the lines:' Now, dear reader, pay attention! This is how it went...' without you having to type those lines.

4)

quote:

Bailey’s the quiet kind of person, but very sensitive and moralistic.

You are going to smack me for this, but...ahem.. just to let you know if you don't already: Bailey's (the registered trademark omits the apostrophe) is also a very well-known drink in some parts of the world...(liqueur based on Irish whiskey) The name itself, Bailey, is totally alright, it's just when it happens to be in that form... and in that form with a sentence that has the words 'quiet' and 'moralistic' in it... A visual imagery on some advertisements popped up in my mind and made me chuckle. =P That's all. Random thoughts. Shutting up now...

5)

quote:

I finished as I left and dragged Carl behind a locker. Taking cover from behind a wall, I whispered.

You might need to add here what Viladoli is taking cover from, or remove the preposition 'from' altogether.

6)

quote:

My conscience hit me once; it was like I could see her face behind the door, her cheeks filled with red as the blood rushed into them.

Why 'once'? As in 'one time and one time only'? If you mean to say 'this one time' as in he usually didn't have a quilty conscience no matter what he did, I think 'for once' might work better. Or 'once for a while'.

7)

quote:

I expected her to ask me the same question, but I felt a bit paranoid that she did not. Did she know I was that guy?

Not sure if that's the right conjunction to use in here, because it's hinting at contradiction and there is none, really. Maybe change it to 'and'? Or elaborate, by stating out that she did no such thing and therefore he felt paranoid. Eg:
'I expected her to ask me the same question, but she didn't. It made me feel a bit paranoid, fearing that she might know I was the guy.'

8)

quote:

Since the proctor was looking at me, I was forced to recite the words, but I did it mechanically.

A mere matter of stylistic preference, but I'd chop that last part to stand as a sentence of its own. It would stress the feel of the first sentence pointing out that the only reason he did recite it was because the proctor looked and /even/ then he made it mechanically. ->
'Since the proctor was looking at me, I was forced to recite the words. I did it mechanically.'
Your call!

9)

quote:

The problem was… she was wrong. I cheated, I gave in to peer pressure, and I did not follow the voice of God

There's a slight contradiction in this, imo, as all his actions on planning the shifting of the seats, etc, tell us that he never even intended anything but to cheat. So, how was that giving into the peer pressure at the time? I'd suggest some rewording:
'I cheated, I never even had the intention to do otherwise, and I did not...'
or to change the tone of it:
'I cheated, I had given in to peer pressure already a long time ago, and I did not...'
or some other edit along those lines, perhaps?

10)

quote:

Carl suddenly approached me, laughing at what she said.

Imo, it would make the change clearer, more transitive, if you'd change the word order and reword a little in the beginning:
'Suddenly, I saw Carl approaching me, laughing....'
Your call, as always!

11)

quote:

I did not know that he was eavesdropping, and I felt a bit embarrassed.

I suspect that the correct tense would be 'he had been eavesdropping' as the situation to spy on has already ended when Bailey left.

12)

quote:

Peer pressure made me laugh with him; I pretended to and it was very convincing.

A verb missing there? He pretended to do what?

13)

quote:

and of course, my girl friend, Jennifer.

I'm pretty certain you need to get rid of that space.

14)

quote:

Oh, don’t forget to bring your ingredients, Carl.” Unfortunately for me, when I spoke,

This is one of those pacing-spots.
I'd suggest splitting into different paragraphs, as it would improve the pacing here, imo, giving more room to the change in the scene.

15)

quote:

The spills reached down to my uniform and stained with linen polo shirt.

?? something missing or is it a typo???
'stained with dirty-brown dots my linen polo shirt.'
or
'stained the linen polo shirt'?

16)

quote:

“Aaaahhhh!” I exclaimed as I felt the burning sensation of my drink on my shirt.

Just a suggestion, if you want to use some other words here:
'of the liquid drenching my shirt.'

17)

quote:

“It doesn’t matter. At least I have a girl friend.

I still suspect you need to get rid of that space. To bring the words closer...=P

18)

quote:

And on his four fingers tips were the letters A, B, C, and D.

'fingertips' or 'finger-tips', prefarably the former.
Anyways, why would they need to draw the letters on the fingertips? Couldn't each finger just represent one letter?
'And his four fingertips would represent the letters A, B, C, and D.

19)

quote:

The test lasted for only forty-five minutes, and Carl was okay this time with the time.

'
Sounds a tad repetitive to me. Or a tad too playful*). I mean, if it were speech, then someone could play with the words like this, but that idea doesn't seem to fit in this, imo, as it's plain narration. So I'd suggest:
'...,and this round Carl was okay with the time.'

*)Playing around like with the saying: "He sold the boat because he was a better salesman than a sails man."

20)

quote:

Both of us sat at the back and followed my mother’s protective orders.

My flawed sense of English claims this preposition should be 'in'. Don't take my word of it, though, but check first =P

21)

quote:

They all denied my offer, except Carl who lived just a block away.

Just a block away from school or just a block away from Dean's place?
If the former, then I think you could explain why exactly he, from all of them, chose to come along. Lazy?
If the latter, then adding 'from our house' wouldn't hurt, imo.

Ooops. I hope I didn't overdo the commenting again. =P

Post #: 4

1/4/2009 20:19:22

Crimzon5
Member

Yes... but you brainwashed to a point that I CAN counter efficiently

@1: Definately seems like a strong word for 10 mins... may be tad will do?

@2: SUH = Sub Unit Head (I'll put the meaning of the acronym in the suggested area)
Oh yeah, kudos my friend... for once, you made me accept a non-typo, correct-in-grammar speech of a character

@3: changed to:

quote:

Now, oh interested one, this is how things went regarding the scheme.

@4: The story already has a moral... you can't judge a person by her name. But that whisky thing gave me an idea... but I'm not sure its copywright will allow me xD

@6: Changed to:

quote:

My conscience hit me once; it would come like an eclipse. It was rare, but I knew people wanted and enjoyed it. I started to feel a little tense; it was like I could see her face behind the door, her cheeks filled with red as the blood rushed into them.

That bolded part should sum the concern up

@7: Good point

@8: Kept as is; for me, it emphasizes that he may be a Christian by name and he prays, but it goes to show that some (like him) don't really put their heart into it.

@9: the second one would best fit him (but I know you wouldn't know because... well, you know why)

@10: I prefer to keep Carl as the subject

@ 12:

quote:

Peer pressure made me laugh with him; I pretended to and it was very convincing.

No missing word; with a little rereading, the sense could be drawn about.

< Message edited by Crimzon5 -- 1/4/2009 21:36:27 >

Post #: 5

1/4/2009 21:31:38

Fleur Du Mal
Member

1) Well, that would depend on the country they live in. =P But 'tad' will do just perfectly.

And now to the point why I'm really posting this:
12)

quote:

Peer pressure made me laugh with him; I pretended to and it was very convincing.

Yes, I also suspected what you told me as one way of explanation. However, since that's the case, I think this could be reworded so that no such 're-reading' is needed. How about:
'Peer pressure made me laugh with him; it was nothing but assuring pretence.'

The aim would be to get rid of that 'to' in 'pretended to'. It has the feel that there should be something after it, especially when the sentence doesn't end there, but continues with the 'and'. Therefore, it looks as if the 'pretended to' would be connecting to the stuff after the 'and' and not to the part before the comma. Following rewording would make it clearly reference to the verb before the comma:
'Peer pressure made me laugh with him, or at least I pretended to. I did it convincingly enough to fool everybody.'

Just making up my excuses for not understanding it in the first place =P

Post #: 6

1/4/2009 21:38:30

Crimzon5
Member

I plan to make the setting in a school at my country... but heh, I don't wanna use my school and I'm not sure about copywright stuff. Like will a School A let me use their name... for free?

@15: Why is it 'with'? SHould be 'my'

@18: oh yeah, good one

@21: instead of house, I used 'place'

@12: Okay, will reword

And lastly, heh, I'll put the chapter 1 as soon as I finish revising it.

Post #: 7

1/4/2009 22:25:11

Crimzon5
Member

Okay, edited

Post #: 8

1/6/2009 7:04:45

Crimzon5
Member

Chapter 2 posted. In case you happen to notice here:

quote:

For some unknown reason, I was uncontrollably anxious to go to school. What was the cause of my impatience? Was there something that was supposed to happen that day? I couldn’t find the answer. More questions started to buffet me. What’s happening to me? Why am I like this? Tapping my feet, I just remained on my place. My mom finally came out of the house. Satisfied, I said, “Finally!” at the instant she entered the car. Predicting what my mom was going to tell me, I buckled up my seatbelt without being told. I was going to have to do it anyway, right?

that first set of questions Dean was asking himself is not italized... may I suggest looking at the tense.

Post #: 9

1/6/2009 13:27:01

Brynn Summers
Winter-Spring 2009 Honoured Writer

I have no idea if these errors have been found or not... but here is my critique for chapter one.

quote:

Also mentioned by the hostile proctor, we were a tad late.

quote:

We would often cheat, either by sharing answers or eyeing one our classmate’s. Neither of us was good in physics, so we took the latter option.

quote:

To make passing the questionnaires and answer sheets easier, people would have to move forward and occupy the vacant seats in case someone was late or absent.

quote:

The other half of the team chatted with us across the other end of the table.

quote:

How were the tests?

quote:

Our scheme to get a nerd near our seat was a success!

quote:

I said as a comeback while I gazed at Elizabeth with a smirk.

quote:

Our gang scattered when the bell rang, but not before we punched each other knuckles and did some handshakes.

quote:

Question #56: Which Greek god was the father of the Cyclops Polyphemus?

quote:

My ego gave me ideas, but I tried to ignore them, telling myself that it didn’t matter if she really had a thing for me or not.

Overall... I liked what I saw in chapter one. I will read chapter two after I get caught up on other projects. Good luck!

Post #: 10

1/6/2009 21:41:41

Crimzon5
Member

SMALL EDIT: Changed the end of the first semester to the end of the third quarter...

Regarding the first and last corrections, heh, I'll blame it on my sometimes malfunctioning letter 'a' button on my keyboard

quote:

Eye:
verb: eyed, ey-ing or eye-ing.
Source: http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/eyeing

In case is 2 words, got'cha. thanks

Like what Xirmy and Fabula should know right now, my characters don't have formal and perfect grammar. THe 'were' instead of the 'was' was placed there on purpose, knowing that it's a common mistake (Hey, I have classmates as living proof)

Your suggestion with the come back seems safer to use. Might as well use it then

typoes and missing words fixed...

and I learned that my auto-correct was right about the Cyclops. Sorry MS Word... it's just that...you have too many flaws. That's it... I'm getting ya ang upgrade.

Thanks for the read Brynn

< Message edited by Crimzon5 -- 1/7/2009 2:02:27 >

Post #: 11

1/7/2009 10:31:50

Fleur Du Mal
Member

Read chapter 2 last night and now that I'm a bit more awake, I decided to type out the comments.

1)

quote:

My room was closed, and a large ‘No Entry’ sign was posted on the door.

A mere matter of opinion, 'my door was closed' would sound more natural to me. The second instance of the word can be easily avoided with a little rewording:
'My door was closed, and had a large 'No Entry' sign hanging outside.'
Totally your call!

2)

quote:

I wore a red shirt with white sleeves and pair of green shorts that reached slightly below my knees. It was a quiet, peaceful nap until my cell phone started to ring.

Hmm. This sentence seems a tad unattached, basically just stating what he's wearing all of the sudden, so I wondered, if you could fuse this together with the napping. Eg:
'I was enjoying a quiet, peaceful nap, comfortably dressed in my red shirt with white sleeves and a pair of green shorts, when my cell phone started to ring.'
Or something along those lines. I have to admit, however, that if you fuse these sentences together, you'll probably need to cut down the exterior description of the clothes (like I left out the length of the shorts in that example) or the sentence is bound to get too long.

3)

quote:

I thought about whether to answer it or not for a few seconds.

Just because you have a lot of sentences starting with the subject in the opening paragraph, I'm suggesting to edit this for variation to:
'For a few seconds, I thought about whether to answer it or not.'

4)

quote:

I was surprised with its contents, but even more shocked at her speed in texting. Jennifer’s message used no shortcuts, which proved more that her fingers were quick.
Hey. I saw you with Bailey earlier this day.
That was pretty much it, making me think that she… wasn’t that fast after all.

OK, the first sentence here suggests that he read the whole message at once, and was shocked at her speed. Following on this line of thought, the last part doesn't make much sense. If you want to tell that Dean was surprised by Jennifer's quick answer, but after seeing the shortness of the message, came to other thoughts, I'd suggest rephrasing the start so that the astonishment comes first and the seeing of the contents only after. Or you could remove the last part altogether.

5)

quote:

But even with the short text, it was enough to give some sense.

Just to avoid repeating that word so often in one form or another, you could reword this to something like:
'But already those few words were revealing enough. '

6)

quote:

“That was how we started.

Imo, she could put some stress on that word. So, I'm suggesting putting it in italics. Your call!

7)

quote:

Those words gave me confidence, enough to rid me of my inner conflict.

Does he really get rid of it? Or does this only silence it?
'enough to silence/muffle my inner conflict'?

8)

quote:

I quickly tossed my back onto the bed, but the pain I wanted to give myself never came.

Another matter of opinion, but I find 'to inflict pain' a lot stronger expression than 'to give pain', so how about:
'but the pain I wanted to inflict on myself never came'?

9)

quote:

My bed was just too soft, I guess.
I covered my face with a pillow, shouting as loud as I could, knowing that no one would hear me.

I suspect there's either one line break too much or too few.

10)

quote:

For some reason, I was impatient for the next day to come.

Morning came.

Since you told that Dean's going out to meet with Jennifer, this could do with some bridging, imho. Because it now sound as if he just lay on the bed until he fell asleep and met with no one.
A suggestion:
'For some reason, I was impatient for that day to be over and done with, waiting eagerly for tomorrow.

Morning came.'

11)

quote:

My watch, next to my phone on the table, alarmed as I programmed it to on 5:30 A.M.

Hmm. I suspect the correct tense should be 'as I had programmed'

12)

quote:

My eyes opened widely.

I believe this should be better as 'wide'

13)

quote:

I also brushed my dark-brown hair (with a comb of course, not a toothbrush), which of course appeared to be black.

Why should it be obvious that Dean's hair appeared black?

14)

quote:

Guaranteed to remove pimples – or so what the advertisement said.

I think you need to remove that 'what' or reword this to:
'-- or at least that's what the advertisement said.'

15)

quote:

My two-year-old sister Gabrielle was wrapped around a purple blanket, sleeping soundly.

An editing mishap? 'was wrapped in a purple blanket'

16)

quote:

Similar to the one in school, the hinges were oxidized – or rusty for short. Fortunately, it wasn’t enough to wake my sister up.

Since you never explicitly mention the noise, this 'it wasn't' seem to refer to nowhere, imo, even though what you mean is clear. Anyways, just to correct the 'empty reference' I'd suggest rewording this to:
'Fortunately, they weren't creaky enough to wake my sister up. ' Thus referencing to 'the hinges'

17)

quote:

So I decided to wait for my mom in the garage, but seeing that my dad’s Fortuner wasn’t around, I learned that it was my mom in the comfort room and that my father had probably already headed for work.

May I suggest moving this to a paragraph of its own? It's now directly glued after the sentence quoted at point 16) and it feels a bit awkward as the rest of the paragraph is all about the little sister, and this would be the logical continuum of the previous paragraph where I taught her mother had already awake and his father was in the shower.
->
'I decided to wait for my mom in the garage. After I had arrived there, I saw that my dad's...'
This further suggestion on rewording would remove the 'but' from the sentence as I see no contradiction between the two part of the sentence it's connecting.

18)

quote:

We were late by three minutes compared to our standard departure time, but since the rush-hour would start at around Seven, it was all right.

Might be just me, but I'd put 'only' in there to further clarity:
'since the rush-hour would only start at around seven'
or
'since the rush-hour wouldn't start before seven a.m.'

19)

quote:

Obviously, those words made feel tense.

Something missing? 'made me feel'?

20)

quote:

Paul said, finally – despite his presence – making his entrance in the conversation.

Imo, the way this sentence is now formulated makes it a tad difficult to read. Do you mean that despite he had been present the whole time, it was only now that he opened his mouth? An editing suggestion:
'Paul said, finally making his entrance to the conversation despite being present from the very beginning.'
I dunno if that's the optimal formulation either, lol...

21)

quote:

His tone was sarcastic, which mean one thing… he was a school official… or something that pretty much hated me.

??
'someone else who'?

22)

quote:

I gave no reply, knowing that he will continue to elaborate further what he meant.

Not 100% sure, but 'would' would seem to be the right form to be used here.

23)

quote:

“Don’t call me that,” I said back.

One other possible retort came to my mind when thinking about someone reacting to being called 'young anything'
'"Don't patronize me,"'
Just a thought...

24)

quote:

“I know that you are aware that next week is the school’s Christmas Fair, am I right?”

How does the change from the end of the first semester fall in line with this?

25)

quote:

With my current position in the society, they were the only ones I could turn to.

'Society' has a sorta larger scale ring to it, imho. I wonder if 'community' would fit better here?

26)

quote:

I asked, knowing that only academics and school-related activities were my only available topics with her.

Methinks you could remove either of those. I'd vote for the first, but it's your call.

*me sits starts to wait for the next chapter, feeling pretty certain (or Sir Dan =P) of knowing where this is going*

< Message edited by fabula -- 1/7/2009 10:32:30 >

DF	Post #: 12

1/8/2009 6:49:02

Crimzon5
Member

quote:

me sits starts to wait for the next chapter, feeling pretty certain (or Sir Dan =P) of knowing where this is going*

Aww... sowee Fabula, but remember, his service starts on Monday... chapter 3 - X (maybe 4) will focus on his weekends...

Spoiler thaat isn't really a spoiler *look down*

spoiler:

The POV may change to Bailey's at any time... which will have the following results: Making Dean seem like an idiot after the reader sees her side, adding mystery to Dean as he will no longer be the narrator at some scenes, and it will allow scenes without the frank, dark-brown-haired, frank, rebellious, frank, test-cheating, frank, and math-inclined guy

*drum beat* It's counter time *theme song plays*
@1-3: I humbly accept the suggestions and corrections
@4: That's what you get when you leave Crimzon5 with lot's of editing time... makes him contrradict himself sometimes. CHanged to:

quote:

I was surprised with its contents, but was astonished by her speed in texting. I predicted it to be a long message, knowing that she had a lot to say. Jennifer’s message used no shortcuts, which proved more that her fingers were quick.

Hey. I saw you with Bailey earlier this day.

That was pretty much it. Rereading it then made me think that she… wasn’t that fast after all.

@5: If you see this, tell me if my prepositions are used incorrectly: Changed to:

quote:

But even with that short pair of sentences, her idea made a clear entrance into my mind.

@6: Hmm... never thought of that. First person POV made me use italics for in-mind thoughts only.

@7: Why change that... when I can make him say that he was wrong about himself being ridden off? Added part:

quote:

~~The conversation ended there.~~ I was the first to press the ‘end call’ button, ending the conversation there. At that instant, I discerned that I was wrong about solving my inner conflict, and that I was only able to silence it for the moment’s sake.

@10: Hmm... must've forgoten to put the bridge when I resumed working on the story *blames a 10-hour sleep*

@13: I myself have dark-brown hair. But without a very detailed observation, it could --- no, it DOES appear to be black. For clarification, changed to:

quote:

I also brushed my dark-brown hair (with a comb of course, not a toothbrush), which, like with most other people, appeared to be black.

@17: I was aware of that part... and I was waiting for an idea to come to me to change it. You are rather quick though. CHanged to:

quote:

I decided to wait for my mom in the garage. After I had arrived there, I saw that my dad's Fortuner wasn’t around. Dad must've left for work then. Hmm... makes sense; I didn't see mom on my way outside anyway.

@18: Changed to:

quote:

We were late by three minutes compared to our standard departure time. It was all right though, since the rush-hour wouldn’t start before Seven A.M.

@20: Suggestion taken

@21: ROFL! Silly error on my part

@24: As mentioned at the post above yours... an edit about that was done. Let me repeat, end of 1st semester was replaced by end of 3rd quarter. So yeah, if you're wondering about the school year, may I inform you that I plan to make the setting in my country.

@25: Kept as is... society is commonly associated with teens and their 'position' and place in it.

@26: I vote for it too. It wins!

I must say, after winning a debate wherein I was forced to fight against what I believed in, I must've ran out with good counters. That... or you're really that good in criticizing.

< Message edited by Crimzon5 -- 1/8/2009 6:52:08 >

Post #: 13

1/8/2009 19:02:45

Fleur Du Mal
Member

OK, lemme try to draw some more info from you about the spoiler:

spoiler:

You mean switch to Bailey's POV as in switch for good or as in switch back and forth between Bailey's and Dean's POVs?

More comments on some of the edits:

4)Yes, the last part of it works now really well. However, in the beginning, you are contradicting 'astonished' and 'surprised' with 'but', but =P my dictionary claims them to be approx. the same thing. Hence, no contradicting. My suggestion would be to edit the words right after the first comma to->
'I was surprised with its contents, but even more astonished by'

5)Lol, I myself am pretty much lost half the time with the prepositions... I checked this one and as far that my sources go, 'to' and 'into' would both be perfectly fine.

I'm a bit unsure, though, if the word 'idea' is the optimal to be used there. 'intention'?
Not sure, as I said.

10)*glances the watch and is envious for the 10-hour-sleep-part* =P

I bet it's all because of the debating. =P

DF	Post #: 14

1/9/2009 7:05:41

Crimzon5
Member

@10: Heh, overslept. Oh yeah... here's how my day ALMOST would've went
Me: Arrives late for school
SUH: Why are you late?
Me: Sir, I thought there was no classes (pratical wrong grammar)
SUH: then how did you know that there were classes?
Me: No one was online in MSN/Yahoo Messenger List

spoiler:

When its in her POV... font color will change. I dont wanna use pink... but maybe I'll have to. Oh well. And no, POV change in not permanent. Just wait for the chapter when the POV changes right away... it's like after one paragraph on Dean's POV... Bailey's POV suddenly starts. Adds to the dramatic effect ;)

Working on chapter 3 now. But I started 2 days ago.

< Message edited by Crimzon5 -- 1/9/2009 7:10:13 >

Post #: 15

1/9/2009 9:31:12

Crimzon5
Member

Chapter 3 posted. As a proud Christian, I used my religion's theme in the story.

spoiler:

In this chapter, Dean tells the reader that Bailey's bringing him closer to God

And Fabula... expect the idea in the spoiler tag which we discussed to be used in chapter 4. So yeah... the thing which you and Sir Dan are waiting for will have to wait.

*wow, I spotted many errors.... good thing Fabula hasnt posted yet*

< Message edited by Crimzon5 -- 1/10/2009 2:35:20 >

Post #: 16

1/10/2009 21:01:16

Fleur Du Mal
Member

You are going to hate me after this... =P

I loved this chapter. =) Kudos for the description in the opening paragraph, though the moment I read it my brain got swarmed up by suggestions to improve it further, lol. So here I goes:

1)

quote:

Night had conquered the half of the atmosphere where I lived.

Let's start with some hair-splitting, shall we? =P There is a simple one-word-term for that bolded expression, you know so why not use it?
'the hemisphere'
-> 'the hemisphere I lived on.'

2)

quote:

The blanket of darkness swept across the infinite sky, carrying millions of the stars.

Nah, just a matter of opinion, but to me this would sound better without the article. Sounds less confining, or sommit. You see, 'the stars' sounds like a certain restricted set of stars, whereas 'stars' is an infinite multitude... Well, at least in my universe of imagery =P

3)

quote:

The sun, now banished, leaving only trace of its existence as the moon reflected its light.

Imho, this form is not the optimal for this sentence. It sounds as if there should be one more verb still added, 'the sun' as its subjective. So, I'm suggesting a rephrasing:
'The sun, now banished, had left behind only one visible trace of its existence; its light reflecting on the silver moon.'

4)

quote:

All but the one in my room were set to non-ring mode, giving my parents and sibling a quiet night to sleep in.

Surprise! More suggestions!
You could make this sentence sound more active by switching the verb:
'I muted them all save the one in my room,...'
Also, this would be a nice place to employ some repetition for stylistic purposes (to reflect a warmer relationship between Dean and his sister):
'my parents and my sister'
I also changed 'sibling' to 'sister' in that suggestion, as 'sister' sounds more up-close-and-personal than 'sibling', imo. The latter would be something eg a policeman or teacher would use when inquiring some family relationships: 'Does he have any siblings?'
Your call! Both of them!

5)

quote:

I turned my television on, checking out the movies in HBO and Star Movies.

In order to cut down the repetition of the word 'movies' you could replace that one with 'shows'

6)

quote:

Its two hands were about to meet, a new day was about to be created, and another day was about to crossed out of people’s calendars.

'about to be crossed'

7)

quote:

I had to repeat the procedure of what to do in case of an incoming phone call. As I answered the third call, I said, “Sorry to keep you waiting, Carl.”

If you want to cut down repeating the words, this could be edited to:
'in case of an incoming call. As I answered the third one, I said...'
Rids you off one 'phone' and one 'call'; there's plenty left in the other sentences, but eliminating them all might make the writing sound forced, so I'm not recommending that.

8)

quote:

She giggled at my remark, showing that she still had interest to keep the chat going on but just not enough vigor.

For some odd reason, I think that the article 'the' would fit in there quite nicely...
Might be just me though...

9)

quote:

Like almost every other man, I expressed my sorrow, my emptiness as someone was lacking, through silence.

That word gives this sentence a mitigating effect, imo, that doesn't serve its purpose very well. So, I'm suggesting removing it.

10)

quote:

I buried my head under my pillow and blanket, asking why Jennifer didn’t greet me.

Wanna add more gravity here? Stuff that some people do when the night leers in and gives no peace from oneself's thoughts?
A suggestion for that:
'I buried my head deep under my pillow and blanket, tormenting myself by asking over and over again why Jennifer didn't greet me.'

11)

quote:

Something tried holding me back, giving me a negative feeling.

I'm not so sure about that specific formulation... 'to hold'?

12)

quote:

After a few hours in the theater, we just went our own paths, something ironic to do in a special occasion.

Maybe not so ironic to do, but more like something that felt ironic for?
->'..., we just went our own paths, an ending that felt so painfully ironic for such a special occasion.'

13)

quote:

I shouted several times inside my head.

Just a suggestion for further impact:
'My thoughts screamed in countless echos inside my head.'
Maybe it's too weird a formulation for you...

14)

quote:

I was alone ay my house.

'at'

15)

quote:

My mother and the nanny brought my sister to a clinic for her shots.

Well, since the narrator, aka Dean, is at the house and mom and nanny are away from it, I think the verb 'to take' would fit better here ->
'had taken'

16)

quote:

I wore my slippers and opened the gate.

'put on'?

17)

quote:

It was so light that I knew there were clothes in them.

Since he's still guessing, technically, I think that 'had to be' would give the optimal tone for this sentence. Only my impression, though!

18)

quote:

She shoveled her hands into her pocket and quickly pulled her hand out, carrying a small gift.

'hand' or 'hands'?

19)

quote:

And well, if my parents and sister are too busy, maybe I could spend some time with my parted loved ones.”

'departed'?

20)

quote:

She looked at me with a smile, dumfounded by what I said.

A typo: 'dumbfounded'

21)

quote:

I started to remember when I was really young.

Since this is not speech, I think you could add 'the time' and remove the 'when'...it would make it sound less informal.' Or you could edit this to:
'I started to think back to the time I was really young.'

22) Quoteless note. I don't know if it'll suit your purposes, but a little more detail on their way to the crypt could be added. Did they adjust their steps? Did they walk two feet apart or their arms almost touching, etc.

***
PS. My opinion only, but:
Pleeeease don't use pink.

spoiler:

It's annoying colour to read plus it'll make her seem a bit OC-girlish...which is bad...really...really....bad.=P

DF	Post #: 17

1/10/2009 23:03:32

Crimzon5
Member

NEW YEARS RESOLUTION: Get less than 10 corrections from Fabula
*corrections means that those which I canNOT counter*

@1: I knew that (not a lying excuse). Dunno why, but it gives a more... let's see now... uhh... agressive ownership impact!

@2: 'the' was never supposed to be there. Editing mishap... only possible way

@3 and 4 and 5: Will change

@6: Man, sometimes when I reread my work, those missing words magically appear, but when I'm not looking... or when someone says they're not there, they disappear

@9: Ever heard of sensitive men? I happen to know... 4. But still, will remove it

@10: Splendid

@11: Had doubts about that too

@13: not weird for me

@14: t and y just happened to look the same (a bit) and be next to each other in the keyboard

@18: I managed to make the second 'hand' singular...but I forgot about the other one

@20: added a 'b'... but like 'eyeing/eying' the b-less version is still okay

@22: More details to the crypt will be in /her/ POV

Hmm... well, I have a close friend that's a girl (friend only. She's not good in chess... so not my type =p) that likes blue. Maybe I'll use it

< Message edited by Crimzon5 -- 1/11/2009 3:29:58 >

Post #: 18

1/16/2009 9:06:00

Crimzon5
Member

Okay, updated. Now Fabul, let's set the standards of my "resolution":

1) Crimzon5 must have 10 or less errors
2) Suggestions are not errors
3) Badly written sentence stucture, typos, wrong forum-coding, and missing words are counted as errors
4) Bailey's POV font color will not be counted as an error if you complain about it =p
5) Uhh... can we start this at chapter 5?

Post #: 19

1/17/2009 20:30:08

Fleur Du Mal
Member

Lol, OK, it's your resolution, so it's totally up to you when do you want to start "living by it". =P

I shall not complain about Bailey's font colour, at least if it's kept as it is now... =P

Does typoing my name count? =P

Aaaanyways, to the comments for chapter 4!

First, I'd like to tell you that you managed to give Bailey a voice of her own; the narrative voice used in chapter 4 is distinctively different than in the previous chapters. I found the very change refreshing, and I like her "voice."

1)

quote:

Chasing it were waves of purple and orange in the sky, the latter color barely keeping its position as the more dominant one.

Starting with a suggestion. Imo, you could just get rid of that weak verb there. I think that using only the verb 'chase' or changing it to some other verb like 'strech' would be more effective:
'Waves of purple and orange chased it in the sky, the latter...'
or
'Chasing it, waves of purple and orange stretched across the sky, the latter...'

2)

quote:

With the presence of sundown, came the early chill of the night.

Nitpicky stuff, you are free to ignore this.
To me, 'presence' seems something stationary, something that's already there. Now, aligning that with the coming of the chill doesn't work for me, as I would combine 'coming' with 'arrival', and 'staying' with 'presence'. If I'm making any sense... So, anyways, my suggestions for a little edit would be:
'Along with the sundown came the early chill of the night.'
or
'The arrival of sundown brought along the early chill of the night.'
or
'The arrival of sundown heralded the early chill of the night.' (This might be a tad too "regal" =P, but that's up to personal preferences.)

3)

quote:

I started to regret not bringing a jacket, remembering that I was wrong to infer that the rest of the day was going to be as hot as it was in the afternoon.

I'm not sure if the verb 'to remember' is the best to be used in here, as she only now realizes that she was wrong in inferring it, not that she /remembered/ that she had been wrong already in the afternoon. So, here's a suggestion for 'fixing' this:
'I started to regret not bringing a jacket, realizing that I had been dead wrong to infer that the rest of the day was going to be as hot as it had been in the afternoon.'
I'd also suggest double-checking the tenses (applies to my suggestion as well=P.

4)

quote:

Our village was a bird sanctuary, full of trees and grassy lots. It felt as if we were in the woods – despite the fact that there were houses and cars, and not a single trace of any wild beasts.

These sentences feel a bit detached to the other paragraph; i.e. as if they did not belong there. Imo, this could fit in better after the next paragraph, with a little editing (edited sentence underlined)->

quote:

Dean and I were only some of the few people walking on the streets. If not a forest, we were pretty much in a ghost town then. In spite of the high population and wealthy households in our community, the only definite things in motion were the swaying trees and cars passing by.

Despite the few vehicles and houses around us, the fact that our village was a bird sanctuary, with an abundance of trees and grassy lots, made it feel as if we were in the woods. The scenery was so beautiful, displaying gardens filled with colorful plants. A grand display of color harmony!

quote:

Dean and I were only some of the few people walking on the streets. If not a forest, we were pretty much in a ghost town then.

I find that 'were only some of the few' somewhat unclear for a definition, confusing even. How about a little clarification:
'Apart from Dean and I, only few people were walking on the streets.'
Note also, that you are missing the preposition 'in' in the second sentence of the second paragraph: 'If not in a forest,...'

6)

quote:

What kind of stuff are boys like him in to nowadays?

Imho, that 'nowadays' makes her sound a bit too old, like she was an adult and was now comparing him to the boys she knew when she was young. So, I would leave that out.

7)

quote:

But since silence’s only bane was a) sound, preferably sounds of laughter and friendly chatters, b) my thirst for satisfaction c) could only be quenched by talking.

a) The beginning sounds like something 'universal', something that is not bound by time, not limited to the time frame of the story. The bane still /is/ sound. So, therefore, I would change that to present tense. Also, I think that here the 'of'-structure would work better:
'However, since the only bane of silence is sound, ...'

b)Next, imo, this would sound better if it would refer to what methods would be preferable in creating the noise, not to the types of sound, because that's basically just repeating the fact that the silence should be broken by sound. My suggestion for this would be:
'created preferably by laughter and friendly chatter' Note that 'chatter' is uncountable, otherwise, editing this is your call.

c)Last point... umm, this sounds a bit aloof, imo, I think it would be more natural, if the thirst would just simply refer to her wish that was stated in the previous sentence, or if the satisfying would point to the same wish. Imo, this part could also benefit if it were changed to active form instead of the passive form: 'my thirst could be -ed' -> 'I could do something' . Especially since Bailey /is/ going to /act/ upon this. Here's a suggestion:
'However, since the only bane of silence is sound, created preferably by laughter and friendly chatter, I could satisfy my wish only by talking.'
or, if you want to keep the possibility of him starting the talking:
'..., my wish could only be satisfied if either of us started talking.'

8)

quote:

“Doing a selfless act to someone I’m not that close with is part of my early New Years resolution list.

A typo: 'New Year's'

9)

quote:

I twitched my eyebrow – or at least tried to without widening my eye –, imitating the gesture on his face

Not so sure if you need that comma after the dash?

10)

quote:

“You’re some odd person,” I said.

Yes, I know it's speech, and this is a mere matter of preference, but 'one odd person' would sound better to me.

11)

quote:

What he said was true, but I really saw nothing wrong with them.

Nitpicky stuff, but since the sentences around this refer more to her /choice/ of wearing the same clothes than to the clothes themselves, I would change this to: 'that'->
'..., but I really saw nothing wrong with that.'

12)

quote:

I gave no comment, but I did not want to sound like a boring person

Just a suggestion for simplicity, as you could very easily replace that with only one word: I'm suggesting changing this to 'bore'
If you want to add some stress, then you could add another word:
'...,but I did not want to sound like a complete bore.'
Your call!

13)

quote:

Maybe that’s just how I was when it comes to a developing friendship.

The tenses don't add up.
-> '...how I was when it came to developing a friendship.'
I also suspect that the article would fit better between 'developing' and 'friendship'.

14)

quote:

Taking another step of courage, I shattered the quietness of our conversation as we never ceased to stop walking.

I'm pretty much at loss here. The 'quietness' doesn't quite fit together with 'conversation' and that 'as' seems somewhat out of place there together with the 'never ceased to stop'.
So, were you aiming at something like:
'Taking another step of courage, I nurtured our gradually sprouting conversation as we kept on walking.'
?

15)

quote:

very tired after climbing a large slope on the road.

Might be just me, but I would found 'steep' or 'long' more descriptive when it comes to someone being tired because of walking up a slope.

16)

quote:

“Yeah,” he replied panting.

I suspect you need a comma between those two words.

17)

quote:

Every occupied shelf was sealed by a tinted glass, emblazoned with texts of the people’s names.

Hmm, since you are using such a descriptive and fancy word as 'to emblazon', it seems a bit unfitting to attach it to a such a plain/ordinary word as 'text', imho. How about 'engraving'?->
'emblazoned with the engraved names of the departed.'

18)

quote:

Smiling, I tried to ease my pain.

Not completely certain, but maybe this would sound better if you would emphasize that she smiled 'cause Dean blushed? ->
'Smiling at his reaction, I tried to soothe his discomfort and ease my own pain.'

19)

quote:

I thanked the Lord, thanking Him for me giving me a companion.

Imho, this repetition doesn't quite work for me in its current form as it sound only repetitive and not like it would bring more impact. (Also, is that first 'me' an editing left-over?) So, I'd suggesti either to remove one of those verbs or to put a period in there to turn the repetition into an impacting effect:
'I thanked the Lord for giving me a companion.'
or
'So, I thanked the Lord. I thanked Him for giving me a companion.'

20)

quote:

With our surname, it can be identified we are in a Chinese family.

The sentence structure feels a tad cumbersome to me. How about: 'With our surname, one can identify that we are a Chinese family.'

21)

quote:

Is it because of the physical pain that they experience at the moment before their mortality?

?? Not getting this... Aren't people mortal the whole time?

22)

quote:

I know that if she was given the option, she would’ve stayed with us

I suspect the tense should be 'had been given'

23)

quote:

God would never hurt anyone, unintentionally or not, without the proper reason.

I think the article should be 'a' unless there's only /one/, exactly specified proper reason in her opinion.

24)

quote:

He, too, was praying. His eyes unopened and palms closed together.

Do you have the verb 'were' missing from the second sentence? You could also bond these two together:
'He, too, was praying with his eyes unopened and palms closed together.'

25)

quote:

I remembered that according to the Church, we were just all one big family.

I suspect the word order of these two should be changed.

26)

quote:

So stranger or not, I still cared for the eternal rest of another’s departed ones.

I would recommend putting a comma there.

27)

quote:

I felt the care and sympathy coming from this young man, and at that moment, I knew that I was wrong about my first impression on him.

Please, check the tense. Should this be 'had been'?

28)

quote:

“Hehehe,” I giggled as I my last reply, before saying a “goodbye” and “goodnight”.

Do you really need that 'I'?

29)

quote:

Dean said the same things too, but not after acknowledging my dad’s presence by greeting him.

'not after'? Should this be 'only after' or 'not before'?

30)

quote:

As Dean faded into the shadows, disappearing from our sights like a ninja engaged in stealth, my father saw it as the right time to ask about him.

When used to mean the distance at which one can see someone, 'sight' is uncountable -> hence, I think this should be 'our sight'.

31)

quote:

“Just a friend,” I replied, going into house and leaving my father outside as he took a stroll in our front garden.

I think you need to add the article 'the' in there-> 'into the house'
Imo, the latter bolded part would sound more natural if you would use the expression 'leave someone to do something' there->
'..and left my father to take a stroll in our front garden.'

32)

quote:

“Don’t judge a book by its cover,”

A typo? 'covers'

33)

quote:

composed of hair that wasn’t groomed and probably inhabited by flees in small insects.

'and'?

34)

quote:

Finding myself lying down on the book I was reading last night, I yawned and executed a quick stretch.

'had been'?

35)

quote:

With the given of my situation, I must’ve overslept.

? The beginning sounds a bit strange, imo.
'Given my situation,...'?

36)

quote:

When the priest had concluded the prayer, dismissing us with a blessing, the choir sung the final song.

'hymn'? Just suggesting, because you have the word 'song' also in the next sentence. Also, it could suit her narration, as I think Bailey would use the word 'hymn' rather than a simple 'song' in the given context?

37)

quote:

Having no one with me in the house, I guess I’ll have to do the latter routine.

Not sure of this tense. I suspect it should be in the past as well: 'I would have to do the latter routine'

DF	Post #: 20

1/17/2009 20:56:18

Crimzon5
Member

The new "voice" thing made me expect that there were gonna be a lot of typos and errors...

Good thing I have you, right? Chapter 5 will return to Dean's POV... and let's hope that the next blue-fonted chapter will have minimal errors.

And as for your name, heh, as I said, the 'a' is sometimes broken.

@21: Mortality = death

@26: Uhh... can you explain why?

@32: Why covers? It's just one book

< Message edited by Crimzon5 -- 1/17/2009 21:29:08 >

Post #: 21

1/18/2009 5:57:35

Fleur Du Mal
Member

26) Well, my intuition says that the 'So' works in the beginning like, for example, the following words:
'Thus, stranger or not...'
'Hence, stranger or not...'
Those two words, 'thus' and 'hence', would require a comma after them. (I'm sorry, but I just can't remember what's the grammatical term for these kind of words in English.)

If you have it without the comma, one could easily mistake the 'stranger' for an adjective, and the start could sound a bit like 'So /much/ stranger.' Although the rest of the sentence fixes the wrong image after a quick re-thought, there's still that little moment of confusion...at least for the confused little me. =P

This is a place where one could bend the grammar, I guess. It's just that, imo, it would be a lot clearer and it would also add a nice pause there if you would add the comma. -> 'So, stranger or not...'

32) One book has two covers: the front cover and the back cover. Therefore, one usually reads the book from cover to cover or one judges the book by its covers.

21) OK, I might have somehow mixed 'mortality' with 'being mortal'... That's what I get from typing comments in the dead of the night... =P

DF	Post #: 22

1/19/2009 7:02:13

Crimzon5
Member

@26: Okay
@32: But in the famous quote, it's singular
@21: hehehe... now we got things clear

Post #: 23

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