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Clash of Heart and Mind: Crimz's Poetry

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3/22/2009 9:57:32   
Crimzon5
Member

Clash of Heart and Mind

Genre of poems: Romanism and realism of one’s emotions

Enjoy... or cry if you want
AQ DF  Post #: 1
3/22/2009 11:05:49   
Helixi
Member

Tthey are good from what I can see, though I only glanced through.

< Message edited by Helixi -- 1/8/2012 11:17:40 >
AQ DF  Post #: 2
3/23/2009 1:49:32   
Crimzon5
Member

*Is not afraid of helix's fist*
Well.. the 1st was emo xD
AQ DF  Post #: 3
3/23/2009 6:55:37   
alexmacf
Member

I like them. My favorite was the one about chess. :')
AQ DF MQ  Post #: 4
3/23/2009 7:42:18   
Crimzon5
Member

Lol, the was the least emo uhh... *looks for a word*

I'll get back to that one eventually
AQ DF  Post #: 5
3/29/2009 14:51:58   
Brynn Summers
Winter-Spring 2009 Honoured Writer


 My favorite one is definitely the one about chess... I like how you make it seem real, not just a game. Love it!
Post #: 6
3/29/2009 21:45:46   
Crimzon5
Member

quote:

I'll get back to that one eventually

Nevermind xD

@Brynn: yeah, it was my teacher's favorite, too (without Clyde's part yet).
AQ DF  Post #: 7
4/2/2009 1:31:49   
demolitiondragon
Constructively Friendly!


 *applauds*

/also likes chess one best
Post #: 8
4/2/2009 2:03:19   
Crimzon5
Member

^Nothing new lol
AQ DF  Post #: 9
4/11/2009 18:26:57   
Fleur Du Mal
Member

Well, may I just join the crowd and say that you and Clyde did an excellent job with that Stalemate! Good flow, enjoyable rhymes, plus the contributions from both of you blend in together.

Now, here's a thing I didn't get:
quote:

my loyal knights, and weakling pawns

What do you need that comma for? I know that it's grammatically correct to have it there, since you are making a list there, beginning on the previous line. It's just that, in my opinion, it creates a pause in the poem in a place where you don't need a pause. On the other hand, if you want to stress the fact, that it's the narrator's belongings his counting, you could keep the comma and add 'my' after 'and':
quote:

I've lost everything, my royal wife
my loyal knights, and my weakling pawns

Whether you remove the comma, add the 'my', or leave it as it is, it's your call, of course!


A couple of comments about Unforgivable:
It's powerful enough piece for me to get a grasp on the level of turmoil. However, there's two things I think you could check:
quote:

You once had a place in my heart I once held dearly

This line is both in the first and the last stanza. Imho, the repetition of 'once' doesn't add anything here. It actually confuses me a lot to read 'once' twice, lol. But that might be just my problem.

quote:

Your sensitive feelings… pierced by a sword so blunt
I guess… in your world, my feelings don’t count

Imo, these words don't rhyme 100%, while the other lines have perfect rhymes when it comes to their last syllables. Therefore, I'd suggest some rewording. Unfortunately, these words are hard to replace without messing up the lines. Here are my two weird suggestions anyway, you are free to reject or use them if you choose to change it.
1)Your sensitive feelings… pierced by a sword so irate
I guess… in your world, my feelings have no weight

2)Your sensitive feelings… pierced by a sword and shattered
I guess… in your world, my feelings never mattered



< Message edited by fabula -- 4/11/2009 18:27:22 >
DF  Post #: 10
4/11/2009 22:02:26   
Crimzon5
Member

Thanks Fabula ^_^

2nd suggestion taken.
AQ DF  Post #: 11
4/27/2009 15:10:11   
Helixi
Member

Nothing new Crimz? I'm disappointed in you. Please put some more up soon.

< Message edited by Helixi -- 1/8/2012 11:18:37 >
AQ DF  Post #: 12
5/1/2009 4:28:42   
Crimzon5
Member

Oh yeah... see this new update. I have 2 poem threads... the latest one is from there. Uhh... but heh, you might not see it so I moved it :D

< Message edited by Crimzon5 -- 5/1/2009 4:30:26 >
AQ DF  Post #: 13
5/2/2009 7:31:31   
Helixi
Member

Good, but maybe you could put full stops at the end of your stanzas As for a title: Rock Flowers, Flower of Tears, My Love's Tears etc.

< Message edited by Helixi -- 1/8/2012 11:19:24 >
AQ DF  Post #: 14
5/2/2009 7:44:06   
Crimzon5
Member

Thanks... so is it emo enough for ya?

Also... no title... as you can see, the persona (guy speaking the poem) is having a hard time in poem-making. Even the title is too hard for me... I mean him.
AQ DF  Post #: 15
5/2/2009 7:56:14   
Helixi
Member

Are you going to give it a title?

< Message edited by Helixi -- 1/8/2012 11:20:02 >
AQ DF  Post #: 16
5/2/2009 7:59:18   
Crimzon5
Member

CHEemo? Ah well...

anways... nah... no title
AQ DF  Post #: 17
5/2/2009 8:06:23   
Helixi
Member

I can't think of a title at the moment...

< Message edited by Helixi -- 1/8/2012 11:20:33 >
AQ DF  Post #: 18
5/2/2009 8:09:10   
Crimzon5
Member

http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/cheemo

Says nothin'
AQ DF  Post #: 19
11/1/2009 1:07:59   
Crimzon5
Member

One new poem! This one was inspired by a poem that answered another one (which we discussed in english class).

I finally get to use the quote function inside the Poetry forum!

PS: Rose ain't her real name :p

PS v2: The first peom was to a different girl, yet matched my situation with the 2nd girl also :D

< Message edited by Crimzon5 -- 11/1/2009 1:09:06 >
AQ DF  Post #: 20
11/27/2009 20:26:37   
Crimzon5
Member

I'll be adding a couple of love poems...
AQ DF  Post #: 21
12/11/2009 22:04:59   
Crimzon5
Member

Added Alter Ego... Version I

There will be 2 or 3 more... and yes, now I can really feel the theme of "A Clash of Heart and Mind"

< Message edited by Crimzon5 -- 12/11/2009 22:05:57 >
AQ DF  Post #: 22
12/12/2009 13:23:37   
ringulreith
Member

From a technical point of view, your poems are good. The chess one is my favourite as well. I don't like most of the others, however, but that's because I don't like romantic poetry. *shrugs* But you've good poetry skills.
Post #: 23
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