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6/7/2010 16:39:10

Supertails
L♥ve

Regarding my short story " That's Life". Any comments and critiques would be greatly appreciated! XD

< Message edited by Supertails -- 6/7/2010 16:40:21 >

AQW

Epic

Post #: 1

6/8/2010 12:59:22

Xplayer
Roaming the Web

Now for my specialty, grammar nitpicking!

quote:

She laughs her sweet, melodic laugh, the one that always manages to bring a grin to my face; but any semblance of a smile was gone from this mask tonight, and one wasn’t likely to show anytime soon.

Should be a comma.

quote:

I won't even lie, sometimes I'd had an urge to leave her.

To keep a consistent present tense, it should be "I've had." Now that I check, you should really decide whether the story is told in the present or past tense. There are times when you use both. It's fine though if you want to keep the commentary in the present tense and put the actual scene in the past tense; just make sure you're consistent.

Besides the other tense problems (I won't point them all out, since I don't know what exactly your vision is), you grammar is good (at least, I didn't spot any problems). As for the story itself, there are a few issues I'd like to address (posted in spoilers since, well, it's all spoiler)

spoiler:

First suicide is not as often a "spur of the moment" event, but a long, contemplated ordeal. It just doesn't seem realistic that a person would be driven to suicide over a relatively trivial matter. Cheating is involved in teenage relationships all the time. The other guy is just going out with his girlfriend; it's not like he knocked her up or anything. Also, it seems that he has a reason to continue living (the other girl he desired). It seems like the suicide was just a (I hate to say it) shock value ending. I only say this because I made the exact same mistake in my creative writing class. It's entirely up to you whether you want to change the ending, but I strongly suggest you reconsider it.

As for the rest of the story, since the story begins at the end of the conversation, the break up of the couple is fairly predictable. This probably led you to overcompensate by adding the above mentioned shock ending. The way to remedy this, in my opinion, is by beginning the story at the beginning of the phone conversation. Flesh out the relationship between the main characters and paint the illusion of a healthy relationship. Then the deconstruction of adultery will seem more shocking.

Nice story overall. I hope to see you write some more.

AQW

Post #: 2

6/8/2010 15:04:15

Fleur Du Mal
Member

Hiya!

Well, first of all, your short story does not suck at all. I really enjoyed the dialogue, you managed to pull me right in with that and it felt very believable. =)

Regarding the ending, I'm partially agreeing with what Xplayer wrote above, but I guess for slightly different reasons. I'm not as much questioning the end solution itself. Rather, I am wondering how can that make sense to the reader within the world of your story. You see, since I'm not in the character yet, the ending really does feel more of a shock value than something that would feel understandable from the character's point of view -- or how his POV has come across to me.

To fuse the solution to the story so that it would seem more believable to me, could probably be done by fleshing out the characters, something that Xplayer suggested to you. You see, a part of what makes the ending feel so rushed to me is because I cannot see and feel the connection between the two characters to the point where one cheating the other would lead to the current ending and so quickly. In my opinion, there's a risk that you are actually selling your main character a bit short now, his whole world, his whole being is undoubtedely crumbling apart but the full extent of why it's crumbling is not communicated to the readers. I'd purrsonally need to see in more detail, description, and/or metaphors why she's his world, to get that. Since I don't, it seems to me a bit like he's throwing a fit and picking up his solution by a whim in rage.

The character says that he loves the girl more than anything, but why? Her melodic laughter is mentioned, but not really much else. After the phonecall ended, wouldn't the character think back on anything that made her so wonderful to him? During the phonecall, he kinda lists in his head a lot of irritating things like her ogling of the male characters in the Twilight-series movies. This is fine, imo, as he is approaching and building up rage, but to make the ending believable, imo, I'd like to see some happiness that he feels he's lost and how that is driving him into depression.

What are his good memories of her? Why can't he be without her? Why does he love her so much? These questions are especially important, imo, as he admits to the reader having fantazed about kissing the other girl but never thinks back on kissing her.

I'm sorry if these comments were a bit of a mouthful. It's just that in my opinion how the ending grows out from the beginning of the story is really crucial, especially when it's a short story.

However, having typed all this I'd like to say again that you did a wonderful job with the dialogue and I, too, hope to see you write more. =)

Post #: 3

6/14/2010 20:38:01

Supertails
L♥ve

First off, thanks to both of you! I'd like to address the "shock value" ending first off (don't take this as some pathetic excuse attempt, please. I value your opinions and realize that yes, I should have built up to it more) by saying that this is a true story, so...rest assured I didn't just try to throw that in there. I was just writing it down from memory—didn't even plan for it to be going up anywhere.

But yeah, if I do get around to revising it I'll definitely take your advice and fix that up more, flesh it out a bit.

Also, as for the tenses...even I was getting a bit confused there. When he mentions "loving her" and all, I kept it present, since at the moment he was writing the journal he was saying he still loved her, yet everything else was past tense because he was talking about how it had already gone by, you know? I'll fix it anyways, though.

AQW

Epic

Post #: 4

6/24/2010 4:49:19

Glais
Member

I'm not very much of a writer but I assume I am still allowed to post here, correct?
Well, the story was well written, there isn't any way to deny that.
However, one problem I found was that even though the ending is sad, the things he says are a bit to the point of where(before he dies) I stopped liking the main character. It was as if he did things just to maker her hurt(which I believe he did) which sort of made me lose interest is his well-being. Ah forgot to add, what I mean is, it is hard to sympathize with a character who does something potentially very harmful.

Just my two cents(AND A HALF), ok sorry about that, is there a rule against being not serious?

< Message edited by glaisaurus_x -- 7/3/2010 8:18:35 >

Post #: 5

7/26/2010 10:01:03

Supertails
L♥ve

Gah, sorry about not responding, I totally forgot this thread existed. x_x

Thanks though, Glai! I understand what you mean, and you do make a good point. I'm not sure whether the intent was to make the main character hated or not...maybe a mixture. But yeah, that adds a bit to the other points, where I really should expand upon it all and have stuff from before that single fight.

Thank you, I appreciate it!

AQW

Epic

Post #: 6

7/27/2010 5:05:21

Glais
Member

No problem, though I did find suicide over one fight a bit of a jump like everyone else did.
Maybe a prequel could be written of sort? Or you can just use the knowledge for the future, either way, you can only get better and better.

Post #: 7

7/28/2010 20:07:42

Supertails
L♥ve

Well, it wasn't just over that fight, that was sort of just the final kicker. I thought all the "you know how I get" things were a pretty good hint, but eh, I'm terrible at that stuff. Thanks again. XD

AQW

Epic

Post #: 8

8/1/2010 4:09:05

Glais
Member

Well, I think it could've been improved if this was sort of a "pushing him over the edge" moment.
Maybe if a couple of past experiences were added, it would help give the feeling that he has more of a right to be as upset as he is?
Or something like that...

Post #: 9

8/1/2010 8:59:10

Hallie Slidepath
Robot Unicorn Overlord

I think it is a very good story, the dialogue is well made, and you manage to capture the readers attention after just a few sentences.
I agree that the ending somewhat seems a little un-called for. Even though you captured the main-characters emotions well it didn't feel like a (spoiler) final push over the edge moment.
If you just were to add a few more sentences a little more dedicated to describing the "you know how I get" situations, and with just a few implications that this time he's really had it, I think the ending would make perfect sense and flow together with the rest perfectly.
I hope to see more stories by you, I really enjoyed this ^^ (kinda weird thing to say about a story with an end like this, but, you get the point :P)

AQW

Epic

Post #: 10

9/23/2010 5:20:00

Supertails
L♥ve

Aww, thanks Hallie. I'm glad you enjoyed it! I hope I can get around to editing this someday, and when I do I'll definitely take all that into consideration!

And haha, you'll hopefully see a story of mine for next month's L&L book, if I can actually get around to it. XD

AQW

Epic

Post #: 11

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