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(HS) Star Screamer: Reason to die-disscusion

 
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8/13/2011 11:13:42   
star screamer
Member

Tell me your opinions on my story star screamer: Reason to die

< Message edited by star screamer -- 8/13/2011 14:41:09 >
AQW  Post #: 1
8/13/2011 14:39:37   
star screamer
Member

People are probubably not even reading my story at all, that sucks cuz I had hopes (sigh)
I knew it people hate my story I'm done writing unless someone actually reads it

< Message edited by star screamer -- 8/13/2011 15:00:04 >
AQW  Post #: 2
8/13/2011 17:38:43   
Arachnid
Member

I like it. Comical at times, and I like the latest chapter.
just one thing...
Change the color to black please.
I think I might have gone blind...

~Lady Zafara
AQW  Post #: 3
8/13/2011 17:41:55   
star screamer
Member

hahahahahaa ill change the colour

< Message edited by star screamer -- 8/13/2011 17:42:10 >
AQW  Post #: 4
8/19/2011 2:53:16   
star screamer
Member

Havent been writing for a bit imma finish the story then make another later
AQW  Post #: 5
8/19/2011 3:15:27   
UnityDestroyer
Member

YAY!

Like I said.
Post #: 6
8/20/2011 16:25:07   
star screamer
Member

Haven't been writing for a bit, wish more people read my story though, and I'll try to continue tomorrow
AQW  Post #: 7
8/20/2011 17:01:10   
Goldstein
Member

Not to be mean, but I was going to read it, but the lack of grammar made me stop. Here's a few tips.

Separate the chapters into paragraphs. Whenever there is dialogue, hit the enter key. Here's an example.

BAD: Bob and Sue were holding hands. The sand was soft and the sun had caused the glassy sea to erupt into a dazzling display of reds and oranges. "I hate you," Bob said. "You're disgusting," Sue replied.

GOOD: Bob and Sue were holding hands. The sand was soft and the sun had caused the glassy sea to erupt into a dazzling display of reds and oranges.

"I hate you," Bob said.

"You're disgusting," Sue said.

See the difference? It keeps your work from becoming a painful wall of text. Also, show don't tell. Don't tell us his back story. Take us through it. With my story, the first half is basically devoted to my hero becoming a hero.

I also see that you're doing this from the first point with the narrator throwing in commentary. Try to make it sound more like an actual person. Get rid of parenthesis, they're not needed when using this style.

I hope I'm not being too harsh, but this has true potential and I'd really like to read it. It just pains me to see a good story crippled by poor grammar.
Post #: 8
8/20/2011 17:32:41   
star screamer
Member

Ok i fixed it it was only the first and second chapters, the others were fine.
(If this was anything else besides a story I would kill you, since grammar doesnt matter when talking
to people normally on the internet)
AQW  Post #: 9
8/20/2011 20:11:38   
Goldstein
Member

Better, maybe you could add additional spaces? It still looks a little clumped together. Also, in your above post, you should have capitalized your I's. And you forgot a period. Shame on you!
Post #: 10
8/20/2011 20:23:06   
star screamer
Member

I really want to punch you In the face!
hahaha OVER SIZED

< Message edited by star screamer -- 8/20/2011 22:59:24 >
AQW  Post #: 11
8/20/2011 20:30:16   
Goldstein
Member

Hey, that's grammatically correct! Good for you!
Post #: 12
8/20/2011 20:30:46   
star screamer
Member

facepalm
AQW  Post #: 13
8/20/2011 21:42:50   
UnityDestroyer
Member

Yeah, just capitalize your I's. Because your are taking to I.[You]
Post #: 14
8/20/2011 21:46:38   
Goldstein
Member

*you're
Post #: 15
8/20/2011 23:00:48   
star screamer
Member

Ok I wIll capItalIze each I when I wrIte I lIke havIng your help
AQW  Post #: 16
8/20/2011 23:03:25   
UnityDestroyer
Member

Oh no, you monster!
Post #: 17
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