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(HS) Insanity's Child(Discussion)

 
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8/21/2011 22:06:24   
Celestin123
Member

Come here to discuss my new HS story!

Insanity's Child: Chapters ~
0. Prologue ~
1. Small time hero ~
2. Haters gonna hate ~
3. Alice in not-so-wonderland ~
4. Into the Shadowlands ~


This story is no longer being updated.
I have recently made a new version of this story that, in my opinion,
will be much better than this version of it.

The largest difference is the fact that Celestin is a young adult in that one and a child in this one.
Clicky!


< Message edited by Celestin123 -- 12/9/2011 18:02:50 >
AQ  Post #: 1
8/21/2011 22:27:59   
Shadowlord9k
Member

Off to a great start, I cannot wait to see what comes next.
AQ DF AQW Epic  Post #: 2
8/21/2011 23:07:32   
silver knight
Member

I already said this in the storyline thread but it's pretty good already. the main character actually sounds like a little kid and not a 6 year old grown-up like some people might do. XD
DF AQW  Post #: 3
8/22/2011 10:32:04   
Arachnid
Member

I don't like the dad.
Love the story so far! =D

~Lady Zafara
AQW  Post #: 4
8/22/2011 11:04:30   
UnityDestroyer
Member

I luv it!
Post #: 5
8/22/2011 17:05:48   
Celestin123
Member

Hmm... how do I explain?

spoiler:


Well, if anyone read my long-lost character bio, which is located deep in the dark, deep midsts of the character
discussion thread=P, then you'd know that Desolous isn't really Celestin's father but merely his godfather.

Although since Celestin still hadn't known about his homeworld's tragic end, he convinced himself that Desolous was
his father in order to cope with the loneliness that comes from being a strange little boy who isn't allowed to go to
school and has no friends whatsoever, not to mention that to the extent of his knowledge, he has no mother and father.

And Desolous is only like that because since he was close to Celestin's family he cares fiercely about the boy.

Not to mention the fact that, although Desolous wasn't as influenced by the malachite as many other Seraphians were,
he was still influenced enough to become more aggressive and judgemental, causing him to often unknowingly hurt
Celestin's feelings.

Although considering the fact that some of the other Seraphians were so influenced that they went completely insane,
Desolous seems harmless by comparison.



Anyways, thanks for the commentary guys, I plan on releasing the first chapter by wednesday but if I have time then I'll release
it today! On another note, was today anyone else's first day back to school? Considering the past few years, I'd consider my
first day back glorious!


< Message edited by Celestin123 -- 8/22/2011 17:11:18 >
AQ  Post #: 6
8/22/2011 20:10:50   
silver knight
Member

if he wasn't such a jerk at times. I'd say Desolous would be a pretty cool dad, err godfather.
DF AQW  Post #: 7
8/24/2011 5:48:14   
fygi
Member

Great idea for a story! I really like how the boy is acting like an average kid; exploring and being curious. But because he is different his godfather has to protect him from the outside world and in the eyes of a child this makes him seem very mean. Keep Desolous a jerk, but once in a while let us know he is a good guy at heart (maybe the boy shouldnt notice as he is too young to understand).

Some criticism.
quote:

“I’ve never gotten to get a good look around the city since Desolous would never let me; I wonder what a kid could do for fun around here?”

Who is the boy talking to? I dont know if this was deliberate, but if it wasn't could you please fix it. It's a bit distracting. And because you are writing from a first person'snarrative it gives you the ability to express the thoughts and emotions of the 'I'-persona as much as you want to.

Summing up:
- great start, lots of potential!
- make more use of the first-person narrative!


- Fygi
AQ DF MQ AQW  Post #: 8
8/24/2011 15:12:23   
Celestin123
Member

Well, thank you for reading my story and yes I know it may seem strange(maybe not to those who know me) that
he was talking to himself, well to tell the truth.....I talk to myself in real life=P not always but sometimes I do and my
character's personality is based on my own so I was just wondering what a six year old version of me would do at the time.
So in other words, yes it was intended, anyways I hope to releasse a new chapter today sooooo stay tuned!
AQ  Post #: 9
8/29/2011 23:05:45   
star screamer
Member

May I be in the story, he won't cause any problems due to the fact that the main character is a kid, and he's not that mean
maybe try to make me his watcher "The Star Screamer, or as he is known on other planets, the watcher of the stars
AQW  Post #: 10
8/29/2011 23:11:02   
Celestin123
Member

Hm....okay! Although you should know that Celestin won't be a kid for the entire story,
only for the first few chapters.... I'll tell you when I find a good spot for Star Screamer in my story, kay?
AQ  Post #: 11
8/29/2011 23:15:00   
star screamer
Member

Okay, and star screamer, wasn't always the chaotic being you now know, the asteroid being part of the reason has powers is a
machine that transfers powers, the original star screamer was dieing so he sent the meteor unfortunatly it hit a corrupted mind
and he doesn't interfere, he can't stop deaths for it is his job to kill them when they are ready, or before not after, after is bad

< Message edited by star screamer -- 8/29/2011 23:20:02 >
AQW  Post #: 12
8/29/2011 23:49:56   
Shadowlord9k
Member

I liked the title choice, pretty fitting.
A good chapter.


I really need to improve my commentary.
AQ DF AQW Epic  Post #: 13
8/30/2011 12:34:23   
Silver Sky Magician
Member


To be honest, Celestin, I thought that the language used wasn't appropriate for the main character since he is only 7 years old and the story is in first person. Primarily complexity of sentence structure, thought processes and to a lesser extent, vocabulary. Furthermore he seems unnaturally mature, remaining considerably calm in threatening situations.

There are some questionable parts of the story (which may be intentional on your part though):

1. Since Desolous is Celestin's godfather, why would he react so strongly to Celestin calling him his father?
2. Where did the ice cream cake that hit the bully come from?
3. Why did Desolous apparently not notice the conflict between Celestin and the bullies?
4. How did Desolous conveniently locate Celestin when he was facing the bank robber?
5. Why has Desolous still not made it clear that Celestin is fundamentally physically different from others and that others would persecute him for it?

Please excuse me if my comments seem overly critical; I tend not to bother mentioning the good points of a story when I critique it.
Post #: 14
8/30/2011 12:40:55   
Shadowlord9k
Member

Silver: By the powers of Logic I will try to answer those questions for you.
1: I do not know, but I am sure we will find out in a later chapter.
2: I am guessing from the baker.
3: I highly doubt he could've missed it, he probably acted like nothing happened.
4: No idea, but I am guessing Psychic powers.
5: I am pretty sure he has tried...

Hope that helped.
AQ DF AQW Epic  Post #: 15
8/30/2011 12:45:15   
star screamer
Member

My guess is decolious has super dooper powers, obviously
AQW  Post #: 16
8/30/2011 18:26:50   
Celestin123
Member

Ok, I'll answer your questions as best as I could.

1) Desolous is a very strange man and cared for Celestin's original parents a lot and so he sees himself as unfit
to be called his father in comparison to Celestin's really family, who were famous for their wisdom and benevolence.
2) I thought that somebody would notice that, anyways, even though Celestin's powers did not fully emerge until he
was about 11-12, when he was younger his powers would often burst out randomly when he was put under a lot of stress
and Celestin would be left confused as to why such things happened, which is partially why he's so strange.
3) Desolous did notice the conflict but he simply decided to ignore it as he knew that Celestin could take care of himself,
besides the baker had already punished the bully so what more could Desolous do?
4) Well as I said, Desolous is a very strange man and he too has powers, and some of those powers include
teleportation and powerful telepathy......
5) Well if you wanted to tell a little kid that he was an alien who had strange powers and that his entire family was dead how
would you do it? Desolous simply decided that Celestin would never truly understand until he was over..... besides Desolous
is a very isolated person, one who prefers to be alone rather than to be in groups so he doesn't have much experience dealing
with people's feeling, much less a child's.

I had never previously explained the whole concept and history of Desolous because I thought that he would be better off
left as a mysterious and strange man.....

Anyways... well of course Celestin would seem unnaturally mature, he is unnatural after all!=P

LOL, I kid I kid, Celestin, like Desolous, is a rather strange being and I suppose you could say that he is psychologically and
intellectually advanced but to tell the truth that's how most Seraphians acted at the age, they were typically a very mature
and peaceful people....

And I know Celestin may often seem overly-mature one time then completely silly another, but you must understand that
this is the same person who becomes mentally unstable and insane in the future.......

Anyways, since since Celestin never had any friends to play with or anything else to do, he simply decided at a young age
that he would devote himself to his studies and Desolous was happy to oblige so Celestin is very different from normal children.

And in real life there's actually many people who are young but have huge vocabularies and the maturity of a senior citizen
so it shouldn't be that surprising. Anyways I hope you and everyone else who was too shy to ask found this post helpful.


< Message edited by Celestin123 -- 8/30/2011 18:28:06 >
AQ  Post #: 17
8/31/2011 4:00:23   
Silver Sky Magician
Member


I'm glad that all the aspects I pointed out were intentionally crafted to be that way :)

However, if the excerpt that you posted was meant to be the first chapters of your story, the strangeness of the two protagonists are not adequately portrayed; like the disparity between Desolous's refusal to be called 'father' and his evident care for Celestin is inexplicable. For example, you could show him looking at a picture and muttering under his breath sadly 'I could never be.' after shouting 'I'm not your father!' at Celestin. (and after Celestin has left).

You could, in other words, for my five questions, there should be some hint in the story as to their answers; hints that attract the reader to read on and find out more.

The unnatural maturity of Celestin, though, can be left as such and addressed later as it is apparently a significant aspect of his character. Nevertheless I feel that Celestin's thought of 'What would a kid do?' (or something to that effect) was exaggerated and unnecessary; coupled with Celestin's attitude swings, one might actually suspect that he has a dual personality or is possessed. Celestin's attitude swings are alright on their own, though, but it should be made apparent that his mentality is similar to that of a teenager's.

Your writing is very interesting and quite good. I'm looking forward to seeing more chapters

< Message edited by Silver Sky Magician -- 8/31/2011 4:03:41 >
Post #: 18
8/31/2011 16:15:08   
Celestin123
Member

Well thank you for those kind words! And as for the whole dual personality/possesed thing.....
well I don'y really wanna give out any more spoilers, you understand, right?=P
AQ  Post #: 19
9/3/2011 14:53:39   
silver knight
Member

Celestins behavior seems perfectly normal for his situation. Raised away from society(somewhat) he really hadn't learned much about others, and it seems that desolous doesn't understand kids ALL that much which would explain for his young maturity. Having to grow up from an early age through desolous' expectations. Although that's just how i look at it. I'm not saying that desolous doesn't understand kids, but he does have that kinda vibe.
DF AQW  Post #: 20
9/8/2011 18:28:46   
star screamer
Member

I will create a cookie city in LittleBigPlanet for you!!!!!
AQW  Post #: 21
9/8/2011 18:51:56   
Celestin123
Member

Yay! My army of cookies shall rule this city and expand our kingdom to the entire universe!xP
AQ  Post #: 22
9/8/2011 18:54:06   
star screamer
Member

actually one slot in a moon...
AQW  Post #: 23
9/8/2011 19:10:33   
Celestin123
Member

Um...wut? (I've never played littlebig planet so idk what you're talking about)
AQ  Post #: 24
9/25/2011 14:00:36   
Velmur
Member

Absolutely great story, Celesty! Just wonderful. Your father-person seems mean.

PS: How do you make the question marks yellow?
AQ DF MQ AQW Epic  Post #: 25
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