Gundisalvus
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Characters [In order of appearance]
● The Narrator: The audience’s illustrious guide through this dark exploration of the human psyche.
● Allison Alloway: The tragic, short-lived star.
● The Mugger: More polite than a mugger really has any business being.
● Unnamed Character: Not important enough to get a description.
SCENE:
(The NARRATOR is standing extremely left and extremely downstage. Upstage looks into an apartment where ALISON is getting ready to go out. There is a door in the right wall of the room leading out to the street. The Unnamed character is seated in the front row of the audience.)
NARRATOR
Good day, ladies and gentlemen. It is with great pleasure that I welcome you to our show. As you may have guessed, this is the story of a woman named Alison. Alison lived and worked in that city of danger and opportunity that some call the Big Apple. Her life was simple enough, and, some would say-
UNNAMED CHARACTER
Was that my cue?
NARRATOR
(Narrator stares unnamed character down.) As I was saying, Alison got up every morning, went to work at an admittedly boring desk job, came home, ate, watched TV, and slept. Rinsh, wash, and repeat. Five times a week. This story begins, or rather, ends on a morning that to Alison seemed no different than any other. Little did she know the tragic twist fate had in store for her.
(ALISON stops what she’s doing and starts paying attention to THE NARRATOR.)
ALISON
Now, when you say tragic...
NARRATOR
Ahem! Little did she know that she would never again see another morning after this one.
ALISON
What’d he say? What’d you say?
NARRATOR
Ladies, gentlemen, get ready to experience... The Death of Alison Alloway!
(ALISON walks downstage.)
ALISON
Wait, now hold on. Just hold on a second, okay? I think I must have misheard something. Did you just say that I was going to die?
NARRATOR
Alison, apparently prone to hallucinations, began to speak to thin air. This all stemmed from a childhood delusion caused by an abu-
ALISON
Look, I can see you. They can see you. You’re not fooling anybody.
NARRATOR
Alison continued her strange babbling. It really was quite tragic.
ALISON
Look, you can stop ignoring me or they can watch “Alison stared at a wall for thirty minutes.”
(ALISON faces away from the audience until the narrator speaks.)
NARRATOR
Alright, alright, fine! I’m talking to you! You’ve ruined the scene, are you happy now?
ALISON
Am I still going to die?
NARRATOR
Yes.
ALISON
Then no.
NARRATOR
I don’t see the problem here. I mean, you’re the headliner, the star of the show my dear.
ALISON
“Dear?” And as for being the lead, why not in a comedy? A musical even?
(The NARRATOR shudders.)
NARRATOR
Don’t even joke about that. That trash is designed to appeal to the lowest common denominator. Your average simpleton, present company excluded of course, can’t appreciate true art.
ALISON
Ah, so we’re aiming for “unpopular” here. I’ll die and nobody’ll even watch me. Terrific.
NARRATOR
Not at all! It’s just that true art has a certain something that, ugh, comedy doesn’t. True art must be able to explore the human condition, must be complex and subtle and-
ALISON
So not unpopular, just pedantic.
NARRATOR
Look, I’ve had enough out of you. You’re being pretty selfish, you know that? A lot of peoples’ time and energy went into making this. And you’re going to throw that all away just because “Oh, I don’t wanted to be stabbed to death.” Sheesh, protagonists.
ALISON
Well how about we switch roles then? I can be the pompous stick in the mud and you can be the one who gets stabbed to... to... who’s that?
NARRATOR
As Alison continued to make a complete fool out of herself, she heard someone knocking on the door.
(The Mugger, carrying a script enters stage right and approaches door and begins to knock.)
MUGGER
Hello? There a Ms. Alloway in here?
(ALISON crosses center stage and moves toward the door.)
ALISON
Um, presently speaking? And you would be?
MUGGER
Oh, great, I finally found you! You see, apparently I’m supposed to mug and then stab you? And I’ve been waiting out here for awhile. I’d really appreciate it if you opened the door and came out here.
NARRATOR
Finally someone reasonable!
ALISON
You’re the guy who stabs me and you want me to open the door?
MUGGER
I’d really appreciate it, miss.
ALISON
How about no? Would you take that for an answer?
MUGGER
Please don’t be like that miss. I have a little league baseball team to go coach in an hour and I’d really like to wrap this up before then.
NARRATOR
Yes, think of the children.
ALISON
Never liked kids much.
NARRATOR
You can see how unreasonable she’s being, yes? Just break through the door. We can improvise a little if we have to.
MUGGER
Now I couldn’t do that. It would be rude.
ALISON
Now you seem like a nice guy, um...
MUGGER
the name’s Jim miss.
NARRATOR
Great, I ask for a cold-blooded killer and I get a Jim.
ALISON
Okay Jim. You seem like a nice guy so I can’t help but wonder, why are you going around mugging people?
MUGGER
Well, because this here piece of paper says I’m supposed to be a mugger.
ALISON
And does it say why? You know, back-story, motivation, all that?
MUGGER
Well what do you know, it doesn’t! That’s some sloppy characterization there!
NARRATOR
Now hold on a minute, you’ve got to read between the lines.
ALISON
And squint. Squint really hard.
NARRATOR
Look, anyone can see that you aren’t really a mugger, you’re a representation of... something... profound... that I can’t remember at the moment.
ALISON
Anyway, how’s the whole mugging thing been working out for you so far?
MUGGER
To be totally honest, not so well. What with the economy and all people just aren’t carrying around as much money as they used to.
ALISON
Really? That’s rough.
NARRATOR
Oooh. Topical humor. Wonderful. What’s next, slapstick? Puns?
ALISON
Ignore him, he’s cranky.
MUGGER
Gladly.
ALISON
Look, you ever think of pursuing a less... violent career?
MUGGER
Well, actually... there was one thing I’ve always wanted to do. But I couldn’t say it. It’s too embarrassing.
ALISON
Hey, don’t be so shy. You’re going to kill me after all this anyway right? Um, forget I just said that.
MUGGER
Oh yeah, I am going to kill you aren’t I?
NARRATOR
Sooner rather than later. We’re on a schedule here.
ALISON
Please continue ignoring him.
MUGGER
Well, what I’ve always really wanted to do... is sing in a barbershop quartet!
(Beat.)
ALISON/NARRATOR
A barbershop quartet?
MUGGER
I know, it’s a silly dream.
ALISON
No, no, no. I think it’s, um, a wonder dream. I mean, people will watch this right?
(Beat.)
MUGGER
You really think I could make it?
NARRATOR
Please note that she has absolutely no personal motivation for wanting you to leave and pursue a career as a member of a barbershop quartet. It’s not like if you stay she’ll stabbed or anything. Oh wait.
MUGGER
He has a point you know.
ALISON
Th-that’s not it at all. I just think people should always pursue their dreams. And it’s not like your current, um, career path is leading you anywhere, right?
MUGGER
Heck no. I’ve been doing this for years and have I ever gotten a pay raise? Dental? No!
ALISON
That’s criminal. Just awful.
NARRATOR
Oh god, puns! If there’s a musical number I swear I’ll get an aneurism.
ALISON
Do you really want to stab me, Jim?
(The MUGGER ponders the question.)
MUGGER
Hrm...
NARRATOR
Think about the story!
ALISON
Think about the,,, matching... outfits?
NARRATOR
Think about the drama!
ALISON
Think about the four man harmony!
NARRATOR
Think about the art!
ALISON
Think about... those little... curly mustaches men in quartets seem to wear.
MUGGER
That settles it! I’ve decided... not to stab you!
ALISON
Yes!
NARRATOR
What? No!
MUGGER
I can’t tell you how much I appreciate you giving me this push, Ms. Alloway. Hope I see you around.
ALISON
Sure. In a crowded, well-lit place.
(Mugger exits stage right.)
NARRATOR
What just happened? You! You happy now? You satisfied. You ruined the play. Just took the script and ripped it into little, tiny- What are you doing? Oh, so now you’re ignoring me. I see how it is. Not only are you selfish, you’re also petty. Where are you going!?
(ALISON leaves apartment and exits stage right.)
And you people! Are you really okay with all this? I mean, what did you even watch? Was there any point to it? Were you really entertained? Well it doesn’t matter now! This over, finished, caput! You hear me!? It’s ov-
(UNNAMED CHARACTER jumps onto the stage.)
UNNAMED CHARACTER
Now you hold it right there! This here script says that I get lines. Multiple lines! What are you trying to pull here, ending the show before I’ve gotten to say anything?
NARRATOR
Shut up! Just... shut up! I’m tired of dealing with all you self-entitled characters. First my victim doesn’t want to die, and my murderer doesn’t want to kill, and now you’re complaining about not getting a chance to be on stage? Well, who cares? You’re just a nobody. Hell, you don’t even have a name! But even if you were important, and that’s a big if, it doesn’t matter! We don’t have enough characters to have a murder story anymore! So you can just exit stage left.
UNNAMED CHARACTER
You sure about that?
NARRATOR
“You sure about that?” the unnamed, unimportant, and unnecessary character asked, apparently unable to count.
UNNAMED CHARACTER
See, the way I see it, you only need two characters for a murder.
NARRATOR
And yet there’s only one left. How sad.
UNNAMED CHARACTER
You sure? Let me check the script. Besides me there’s... Alison... nope, she left. And the mugger... he left too. I guess you were, oh, what’s this here? Who’s this narrator fellow? He seems pretty unfriendly doesn’t he?
NARRATOR
Uh...
UNNAMED CHARACTER
You know, the kind of guy that people just love to see get what’s coming to him?
NARRATOR
Y-you don’t say...
UNNAMED CHARACTER
(Pulling out a large knife.) Those of you with weak constitutions may wish to leave the building.
NARRATOR
In that case, I’ve always been squeamish. I’ll just be leaving... NOW!
(Narrator runs off stage left with UNNAMED CHARACTER chasing after him. After both of them leave, the mugger sticks his arm out menacingly and theatrically from the right. Lights dim.)
(END.)
< Message edited by Gundisalvus -- 5/30/2012 2:17:04 >
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