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Forum Contest Short Story Miltonius Beginnings

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11/25/2012 23:24:52   
Funkyking
Member
 

 THIS IS THE STORY OF MILTONIUS PLEASE ENJOY AND COMMENT ON IT



Chapter 1 Miltonius's Return
Time has passed since Miltonius mysteriously disappeared. Lore has changed alot and been through just about everything from weddings to Ebilcorp ruling Lore for a while.
But Miltonius never died he was sent into the Chaos World a place filled with fallen dreams and hopes. Miltonius's quest for power led him to a dual with the Chaos God Drakathion during that battle Drakathion sent Miltonius to the Void.

Chapter 2 Miltonius's Early Life

As a child Miltonius watched his parents be victims of Chaos. Before that Miltonius was just an average child seeking fun and excitment him and Dage where close friends but one day everything changed their village was attacked by Chaos. That night thousands of villagers fought to hold off the Chaos army and Miltonius watched as his parents were turned into Chaos. The next day they both woke up greeted by a mysterious man named Arthur who would later become the father of Artix who gave them food and water and eventually took them in under his guidance he trained Dage and Miltonius not knowing Miltonius wanted to destroy Chaos and have his revenge but Dage was more tranquil and was peaceful.

Chapter 3 (2 Years Later)
Dage and Miltonius trained hard and hard until one day Arthur let them forge a blade to mark that their training was finished both of them made two blades marked with each others names. Miltonius's Blade was marked with Dage's name and Dages was marked with Miltonius's name. Miltonius went out hunting for fruits and deer until he fell into a hole. Inside that hole was a mysterious shrine with a glowing dark energy pulsating out of it. Miltonius touched it and a Man appeared his name was Oblivion sealed by the founders of Lore. The man said ''I can grant you the power to exact revenge." and Miltonius signed the contract giving his soul and body to the man. Miltonius was then possesed by Oblivion and lost control of his body thoughts but his heart stayed the same. Miltonius now Oblivion went into a rage destroying a little village where Arthur lived his master Dage and Miltonius clashed swords but Miltonius was to powerful. Dage was injured to the point where he could not move and Arthur died giving his power and soul to Dage. The only people left in the village where Dage and Artix, Arthur's 2 year old son. Dage and Miltoinius clashed blades causing an explosion Dage lost his sword and Miltonius spared his life then Miltonius left.

Please comment and tell me if you liked this i will be making more chapters every 4 days I will post 3 chapters there will be 50 Chapters If Aqw Staff is reading this please make this a storyline in AQW.
Post #: 1
1/10/2013 10:11:28   
RevzZ the Optivus
Member

We'll start with the negatives first. Get those nasty helpful buggers out of the way first.

Grammar. Check your grammar. Recheck your grammar. If a sentence sounds a bit too long and strings together a large number of ideas together, split it apart. A reader will always be grateful for a gasp of breath and it's better short and sweet in my opinion. Use those commas and full stops! They work miracles and you'd be surprised at how easily the words glide.

Try to focus on structuring the story so it doesn't jumble everything together. I felt the story was a little 'rushed', in the sense that it had no clear main body. In an action story like this, try to expand more into one scene, perhaps describing the battle in greater detail.

Now to the good parts. There were hints at good words. I particularly liked 'pulsating'.
The action! I loved the enthusiasm and the back story into Miltonius. There is a creeping suspense situation when Miltonius accepts the contract, giving you the feeling that something big was going to happen. Keep it up!
When it explains about Miltonius just being an average boy, it gives a sense on relation that everyone can relate to. Relationships in stories are always important, to make the reader feel for the character. Always important and you've touched on it. Well done!

All in all, an enjoyable story with potential. You just need to reach out and take it!
-RO
AQ DF  Post #: 2
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