araxia
Member
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My turn >:) You have a very nice storyline, and I can see the plot developing. It's a bit unrealistic though, not considering the fact that it's in a fantasy world that incorporates magic and unicorns. Things to Improve: Capitalization - greenguard forest, lightguard keep/ Greenguard Forest, LightGuard Keep Tenses - Drakath ran as fast as he can through the forest as tears formed in his eyes/ Drakath ran as fast as he could through the forest while tears formed in his eyes. Word Choice - Galanoth, I am ready to face the chaos dragons now. Tell me where they are hiding/ Galanoth, I'm ready to face the chaos dragons. Tell me where they're hiding. Comma Usage - The air was blowing coldly, as the sound of dragon wings flapping heavily, fills the air/ The air blew coldly as the sound of dragon wings, flapping heavily, filled the air Fashion Sense - He now wore a blue t-shirt under his leather armor and brown pants and holding his sword at his left arm/ He now wore a clean white t-shirt and blue jeans underneath his leather armor. His sword lay in a sheath on his waist. Here are the corrections: quote:
They ran as quickly as they can, but the dragon caught up with them. They ran as quickly as they could, but the dragon caught up with them. OR They run as quickly as they can, but the dragon catches up with them. quote:
"S-so, your a dragon-slayer?" Drakath said. "S-so, your're a dragon-slayer?" Drakath said. quote:
I shall make those chaos dragons' pay if it's the last thing I'll do!" Drakath said. I shall make those chaos dragons pay if it's the last thing I'll do!" Drakath said. quote:
The voice made a deep, echoing sound, that Drakath suspects that only he can hear. The voice made a deep, echoing sound, that Drakath suspected only he could hear. quote:
You're on you're own after that." Dagon said You're on your own after that." Dagon said, quote:
"I wont leave you here alone. I'll fight too." Claire said. "I won't leave you here alone. I'll fight too." Claire said. quote:
You're friends, Claire and Chaorr Your friends, Claire and Chaorr quote:
When they arrived at the gates of Swordhaven, some of the guards were fighting a the undead while the others was wounded. When they arrived at the gates of Swordhaven, some of the guards were fighting the undead while the others were wounded. quote:
Artix and Arceus battled their way to the castle, slicing up skeletal warrior's and mage's. Artix and Arceus battled their way to the castle, slicing up skeletal warriors and magi. quote:
Inside, he saw a man wearing a golden armor with a blue cape and a crown on top of his head fighting with a man wearing a doomknight armor. Inside, he saw a man wearing golden armor with a blue cape and a crown on top of his head fighting with a man wearing doomknight armor. quote:
To their surprise, they saw the King lying on the ground and Arceus unconscious . This is my slight OCD acting up. I'm sorry, but that period bothers me. To their surprise, they saw the King lying on the ground and Arceus unconscious. quote:
"So let me get this straight, my mother's name was Claire, my father's name was Chaorr and he's a chaos dragon, I'm half chaos dragon, my parents gave me to you, and they died fighting with Drakath." Arceus said. "So let me get this straight: my mother's name was Claire, my father's name was Chaorr and he's a chaos dragon, I'm half chaos dragon, my parents gave me to you, and they died fighting Drakath." Arceus said. quote:
"I'm off now, see you later!" he said, then ran to Swordhaven. A few minutes later, he arrived at the castle. O.O How close does he live to the castle? quote:
"Rise, hero, and might I know you're name first?" the King said. "Rise, hero, and might I know your name first?" the King said. quote:
"My name is Arceus, you're highness." Arceus said, then stood up. "My name is Arceus, your Highness." Arceus said, then stood up. quote:
"With all do respect, your highness, I side with no one. But I am willing to do whatever you request of me." Arceus said. "With all due respect, your highness, I side with no one. But I am willing to do whatever you request of me." Arceus said. quote:
King Alteon examined him carefully, King Alteon examined him carefully. OR King Alteon examined him carefully and said, quote:
After a few hours of running, fighting off monsters, and stopping to take a break, Arceus arrived at the mountain range. Did he really take a break for a few hours? quote:
at the mountain range. Arceus searched for any signs of Sepulchure's fortress and found it beside a mountain. No duh. It's pretty obvious that you'll find something next to a mountain if you found it in a mountain range. And why do you need a moment to find a giant skeletal dragon supporting a fortress on top? Chapters 3 - 8 coming later. EDIT: Wow...just realized only 3/11 of your posts DON'T have smiley faces... Some of them have multiple though, so it's pretty much only ONE of them doesn't have a smiley face.
< Message edited by araxia -- 2/14/2013 18:01:06 >
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