Recar Dragonlance
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Hey mastin! Never read anything of your's before, though I really should have AGES ago since I always looked at your uber comment thread to see what you had done...Anyway, here you go:
quote:
He can’t smell, he can’t hear, he can’t talk, he can’t taste, nor can he even feel.
Stylistic opinion (or SO  ): I would repeat the "can't" since I think it works quite well. The way you've ended doesn't seem to make as much impact imo then if you had another can't.
quote:
I am so disoriented, he thinks to himself, barely even able to manage the thought.
If you were completely disoriented, I don't think you would say you were disoriented. Put yourself in this characters shoes, what would you say if you were disoriented? I personally would be like "What the hell is going on? Where am I?"
quote:
The previously cold air turns warm, his skin’s hairs lowering.
I don't think I do it anymore, but I know I did. Some of your sentences are like this: "The grass is green, the sky is blue." Two sentences that aren't really connected you've put together with a comma...You probably need to learn to weed them out (like I am lol).
quote:
He stumbles greatly, leaning against the metallic wall to regain his support.
Firstly, can you get rid of that adverb please? Use another one which is better...Secondly, the comma thing I stated above is sort of included in this one...To get around it, just remove the comma and put a word like "before"...or something else...
quote:
My breathing is heavy. I can hear my heart pounding from this confusion. I don’t remember how I got here, nor anything from outside. And that worries me.
Again, people don't actually think like this. I understand that if this person is a warrior type person and is trained to analyse strange situations like this, his thoughts will still be a blur...He's stuck in a place and has no idea where it is! I think your just trying to tell us some more information, but you can just drop it in subtly. While some action is taking place, put it on the end of a sentence like "He walked forward, his breathing heavy with his heart pounding in his chest." For the second half of that thought, don't tell us that he is worried, show this in the way he thinks. To me, he's been way too confident for someone who has been dropped off somewhere, on the verge of death. Make his thoughts more urgent, actually make him panic.
quote:
ventilations—for some odd reason, the memory just pops in—are not known to be able to fit people in well.
Instead of dashes, I think brackets would be more appropriate. Also, it varies the punctuation a bit more.
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And mazes—another random memory popping into his head—are notorious for hiding terrible secrets.
Brackets again. Also, are they? Oh right, minotaurs and that...Erm, aren't they more notorious for getting you lost. That way you can make the audience more excited (or tense, or sad or whatever) when something big comes out and scares them.
quote:
Where ever I am, I doubt I want to be here.
A person won't say that. That thought won't cross their mind...my advice is to listen to your friends speak more, as well as your parents and their friends or any adults...you will eventually pick up how they speak and use that in your writing...
quote:
With nothing better to do, he starts moving forward.
Too...erm...informal, maybe, for what's going on. Something like "With no other real options, he starts moving forward."
quote:
The beads start to drop, cooling his body from non-existent heat; the sweat is from fear.
Take that out. You shouldn't tell us and you have already shown us that he's scared through his heartbeat etc. Also, we figured he's scared, since he's in a maze on his own and he can't remember anything...
quote:
Writing? I guess I am not the only one to have been here. That is both comforting and worrying.
When your angry, how many times have you thought: "I am angry." ? Take it out and put the information somewhere else...like after the thought...
quote:
The black text shows some signs of fear, represented by the messy curves.
Put the second half of the sentence in front of the first half....like: "The messy curves of the black text shows some signs of fear."
quote:
He looks strait for a good few seconds; the same passageway he had set forth for remains there
Yay I found a typo in the typo masters work!
quote:
Same here; that wall has nothing.
This man appears to have the patience of a saint. He is stuck in a maze, with no memory, he's barely alive and he can't go down one right turn! Wouldn't everyone just be so unbelievably if that was them!
quote:
So, I really face my end, don’t I? This sucks...
No one would ever say that if they thought they were dying. In fact, if he was hit on the head, he wouldn't actually think much...
You're story is good, you just have style pointers to sort out (which everyone goes through, I've got billions of style things to go through). You were brave to go with the present tense...imo I would have gone with past, since it can be more affective then present...but Yay for being different! Have fun picking out the good bits from the bad bits in my long rambling!
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