Faerdin
Rune Knight
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First off, corrections! quote:
20 years had passed, since the end of the war for the Elemental Orbs. 20 years had passed since the end of the war for the Elemental Orbs.quote:
The war has left many scars, some have yet to heal, but it was peace nevertheless. The war had left many scars; some had yet to heal, but it was peace nevertheless.quote:
Zhoom remained in the Sandsea, where he founded "The Sand Riders", a group of enforcers who brings justice in the great dunes. Zhoom remained in the Sandsea, where he founded "The Sand Riders," a group of enforcers who brought justice in the great dunes.quote:
Galanoth, the famed Dragon Slayer, disappeared without a trace, many say he traveled towards Battleon, establishing a council of Dragon Slayers. Galanoth, the famed Dragon Slayer, disappeared without a trace. Many say he traveled towards Battleon, establishing a council of Dragon Slayers.quote:
There was no signs of green, only scorched earth and stains of blood. There were no signs of green; only scorched earth and stains of blood.quote:
"You know, Amia, scouting isn't all what it's cracked up to be..." says one Guardian, his voice filled with regret. "You know, Amia, scouting isn't all what it's cracked up to be," says one Guardian, his voice filled with regret.quote:
The fog also limited the distance they could see, but they were trained for this, they knew they could handle anything that would appear. The fog also limited the distance they could see, but they were trained for this; they knew they could handle anything that would appear.quote:
"She's so cute..." he said. "She's so cute," he said.quote:
"While stroking the doe's head... the unthinkable happened. While stroking the doe's head... the unthinkable happened.quote:
"I don't know... but we must take it... to Captain Fortuna..." said Derek, while gripping on his flesh-torn arm. "I don't know... but we must take it... to Captain Fortuna," said Derek, while gripping on his flesh-torn arm.quote:
"Send a message to Warlic, Cysero, and Maya of Oaklore." she sternly said. "They might know what this is..." "Send a message to Warlic, Cysero, and Maya of Oaklore," she sternly said. "They might know what this is..."quote:
The Guardians stood in awe, as the wooden borrow, carrying the gruesome beast, passed them by. The Guardians stood in awe as the wooden borrow, carrying the gruesome beast, passed them by.quote:
"Yes, captain." answered Amia "Yes, captain," answered Amia.quote:
"And take Derek to the infirmary." she continues, while looking at Derek's arm. "That arm needs stitching..." "And take Derek to the infirmary," she continued while looking at Derek's arm. "That arm needs stitching..."quote:
Fortuna shakes her head, trying to convince herself, that what she saw could be something else. Fortuna shakes her head, trying to convince herself that what she saw could be something else.quote:
She has seen in before... and it's something you can't forget... She has seen it before... and it's something you can't forget... Short of these errors, I feel you have an interesting story brewing. I loved the inclusion of AdventureQuest's Deery Monster (Those things were irksome back when I played, I'll tell you that), and the time in which your story is set certainly sets it apart from others. I'll continue to follow this story and make corrections when I can. ^_^
< Message edited by Faerdin -- 7/12/2012 6:34:10 >
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