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10,000 Years Comments & Criticism!

 
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2/24/2013 22:42:11   
The White Knight
Member

10,000 Years, Sorry for not updating, but I was in a very bad crash recently, I haven't really had much time either. Colleges and Track having been really consuming my time :(. I would love and comments or criticism I will update as soon as I get some free time :)!
AQ DF  Post #: 1
2/25/2013 2:37:01   
Arthur
How We Roll Winner
Dec14


Heyo White Knight,^^

Well, since I am on a personal mission to get this section of L&L going, I decided to check out your story too.

So, before I get to the story itself, I would suggest moving all the information that is NOT in itself related to your actual story to your first post in this thread, for example, the application format at the end. The Credits you can keep in that thread if you want to. Just saying because it gets confusing.

Anyways, let's begin.

Oh, and one other question, would you like an in-depth critique routine from me or should I just point out your spelling errors with reasoning?
Let me know, okay?




quote:

For 10,000 years Dragons have ruled the skies.


The Dragons

quote:

They have, and always shall be ruled by a council of eight.


"will" is more appropriate.

quote:


Each Dragon resembling an element, Fire, Water, Wind, Ice, Earth, Energy, Light, and Darkness.


If you have made this a separate sentence, then switch the "resembling" with "resembles" or "resembled".

quote:


Soon, Elves and Dwarves were brought into the mix, soon after Humans followed.


Not "soon", avoid repeating the same word in the same sentence. Use "and then after" in it's place.

quote:


So to fix the balance and give way into the Kingdom of Dragons; the eight Dragon lords had an Amulet forged for each of the 3 races' kings.


A comma after "So" and replace "to" with "in order to".

quote:


With the amulets the Kings and Queens of each race could transform into a dragon themselves and fly up to Arlzo-Creid, and meet the Elder dragons for a council that would be held every 500 years.


You need to cut this sentence into parts using more commas and full stops.

It's too much to digest in one line and the pacing suddenly gets too fast. Explain a few things. What is Arlzo-Creid? Who is this Dragon?


quote:


Unfortunately as time passed, people of all races desired more power, including the dragons.


Use "started to desire" in place of "desired".

quote:


The Dragon lords exiled many of their power hungry kin to Mt. Sheol. It was a Hell on Earth, where the extreme were sent to die, but sometimes it threw something back to the regular world.


"regular" isn't necessary here.

quote:


It threw backthe great eight's corrupted brother. Zombay.


"It had thrown back"

A comma after brother, not a full stop.




You need to figure out where to break sentences and where to connect two of them.
Also, work on your commas and full stops.


It's a bit difficult to pick up what exactly is going on from the prologue, but I am getting a feeling that this Zombay character is gonna be a tough cookie.^^
DF MQ AQW  Post #: 2
2/25/2013 3:25:39   
The White Knight
Member

Ok :o I will fix the grammatical errors, I would enjoy a full critiquen so story in addition :)! Uhm, I will define Arlzo-Creid better in a future chapter (chapter 5 will have Paul returning there (spoiling a little) he will explain why and what the city will serve as :o
AQ DF  Post #: 3
3/6/2013 1:03:04   
hellblade124
Member

hey TWK i was wondering where you dissappeared to, i hope your okay my friend

_____________________________

P.A.I.N.S.= positive attitude in negative situations
im really glad that your my friend and this is a friendship that will never ever end (if you get this reference than 10 points to wwe fans)
AQ DF MQ AQW  Post #: 4
3/21/2013 16:30:00   
kors
Member

Hey TWK are you alive? You have not put anything up in quite a while now. Are you still glued to a 3ds or tv screen with FE or Dues ex?
AQ DF MQ  Post #: 5
5/9/2013 22:57:57   
hict98
Member

@TWK Did you drop off the forums or something. It has been like 3 months since your last post.
AQ AQW  Post #: 6
5/14/2013 12:17:33   
Gianna Glow
Member

Hey guys, this is not the place to ask where a person has gone. Please do that in the Private Message system on the forums. Thank you!
DF MQ AQW  Post #: 7
5/20/2013 0:20:00   
The White Knight
Member

I am terribly sorry for disappearing on you guys! I apologize but I am back :)!

@Gianna sorry for causing you problems!

Edit: Chapter 4 and 5 are out, there are extremely short for a reason (That is also why 2 chapters were released/kinda I owe y'all.) But I promise chapter 6, 7, 8, & 9 will be gigantic (if not dragged on) With Chapter 9 Ending Part 1 of Book 1. I promise book two will hold many surprises twists turns, new character introductions and much much more! Stay tuned


< Message edited by The White Knight -- 5/20/2013 2:19:30 >
AQ DF  Post #: 8
5/20/2013 17:28:52   
kors
Member

Well, let me be the first to welcome you back WK! Glad to see you are still alive. I just finished reading the two Chapter you just did, I cant wait for more.
AQ DF MQ  Post #: 9
5/21/2013 18:39:30   
hict98
Member

I am so happy to see you back and can't wait to see you more active on the forums if you decide to be. I just want to say that I have been checking up on this story for the past 3 months waiting patiently for it to be continued and am now excited as I see the plot thickens. I do hope Pedar gets a little more in the story, but you are the writer. Do whatever you want.
AQ AQW  Post #: 10
5/21/2013 20:21:32   
UnderSoul
Member

S is pleased! I've been mentioned and had dialogue in a chapter, and I'm still alive! Well, undead, but I'm not re-dead! Aside from that, I look forwards to seeing how this story plays out. You have gained my interest even more, and so I'm keeping an eye on this one.
AQ DF MQ AQW Epic  Post #: 11
5/21/2013 20:42:00   
The White Knight
Member

***Kinda Spoiler*** S and Pedar and Nitra will all return, especially the first two, our new main character is going to do some "research" on some "subject" and get help from "people" that we have seen.

Edit: CHapter 6 Done! :)!

< Message edited by The White Knight -- 5/23/2013 17:20:53 >
AQ DF  Post #: 12
5/30/2013 16:33:46   
hict98
Member

I love how you brought Tyrfing into this story. I've always been a fan of Norse Mythology and preferred that sword over a hammer or spear. (Mjolnir and Gungnir)
AQ AQW  Post #: 13
5/31/2013 0:20:18   
The White Knight
Member

@Hict, I too am a huge fan of Norse Mythology, the blade Sieglinde, Mercurius (Mercury's blade of Roman Mythology.) and even icelandic mythological weapon Mystletainn.

Chapter 7 and 8 come out this weekend :)!
AQ DF  Post #: 14
6/30/2013 4:17:19   
Archmopecake
Member

Finally came back around, really good to read more of this :) Some of those turns of phrases are really something to me, much enjoyed.
AQ  Post #: 15
7/4/2013 11:06:43   
hellblade124
Member

welcome back TWK we missed you
AQ DF MQ AQW  Post #: 16
7/4/2013 15:29:02   
The White Knight
Member

Thank you :)! I tried to finish Chapter 8 last night, but I got too lazy :/
AQ DF  Post #: 17
7/4/2013 18:00:11   
kors
Member

hmm... loks like these chapters were pretty much worth the wait! I am sure once the chapter is finished it will be worth the wait and then some.
AQ DF MQ  Post #: 18
7/5/2013 15:29:54   
hellblade124
Member

i love the fact that i still have a big role in this lol
AQ DF MQ AQW  Post #: 19
7/5/2013 15:56:35   
kors
Member

I really wonder what happened to everyone after the timeskip... Considering from what we have in the released parts of 7 & 8 it does not sound good.
AQ DF MQ  Post #: 20
7/8/2013 20:07:08   
The White Knight
Member

I will be gone for vacation starting monday, to the last week of July, so I am now working on the next 5 chapters to satiate you guys! :)!

2 Chapters down, 3 more to go.

< Message edited by The White Knight -- 8/5/2013 1:36:54 >
AQ DF  Post #: 21
8/6/2013 0:43:18   
kors
Member

I knew that if I looked today I would find something more from you! Yays! Gonna finish up in the morning, but I've enjoyed what I've read so far. So if Ayesha is my niece who was her father? Paul? Zombay? Or one of the other Elemental Dragons? With only eight siblings I guess it makes it harder to figure out.
AQ DF MQ  Post #: 22
8/9/2013 22:37:50   
The White Knight
Member

Kors, Ayesha is Oragoth's niece, you're daughter (Jacquelyn) was made your daughter through a blood ritual, Vrael is your nephew, and Irleera, isn't a direct blood related Niece, but since the Council is considered 'family' we will consider her as family. Ayesha is your second niece? Or Jacquelyn's second cousin. Children will all come to fruition when we get over everyone's blood ties. I am thinking of a way to tie in more kids. ;) I like adding extra characters, but with 15x chapters I need a lot of time to character develop. Vrael and Jacquelyn still have a lot, and Ayesha Oliver still have a lot to catch up. Rohan still has to tell the soon to be team about his dad. I got a lot in store don't worry ;)

Edit: 14 is posted :)!

< Message edited by The White Knight -- 8/11/2013 0:15:42 >
AQ DF  Post #: 23
8/27/2013 23:11:19   
hict98
Member

So I just had some free time and I decided to check up on this story and found to my delighted surprise ten more chapters from when I last read. TWK you are an amazing writer and I absolutely love this story. My favorite part about this though is that you keep the reader in a corner in a dark room, but have him stare at a light bulb making him think he is in the light. There are so many questions that come up from each answered one and this maybe because I just overthink things and look way too deep into stuff, but either way I love it. I can't wait to see what I assume to be the finaly of Book 1. Keep up the good work and good luck in your first year in college.

_____________________________

AQ AQW  Post #: 24
8/28/2013 18:01:55   
The White Knight
Member

Book one is no where near over yet ;) I have a little bit more to add. I have 5 classes (Surprisingly easy for "honors" classes) Just 3 of them are half lecture and half lab mixed in, which are clearly, very time consuming
AQ DF  Post #: 25
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