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Verses from a Mind Confused [Comments]

 
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9/5/2008 23:54:27   
_Depression
Member



My poetry collection consists of a variety of poems, generally romantic with an occasional deviation.
Current poems:

--Love Through the Year (Post 1)


Enjoy, and don't hesitate to comment!

< Message edited by _Depression -- 9/5/2008 23:55:10 >
AQ  Post #: 1
9/14/2008 2:01:26   
_Depression
Member

New poem, "Thunder," is up.

=)
AQ  Post #: 2
9/18/2008 17:05:12   
Richie
Member

excellent poems. [/sarcasm] no seriously, nice work.
quote:

Lighting! I see it,
Lighting our fight.

was the first "lighting" supposed to be "lightning" cause that's what I see it as.

just helping out. :)
DF  Post #: 3
9/19/2008 19:13:37   
_Depression
Member

>.> typo... sorry
AQ  Post #: 4
9/23/2008 20:07:42   
_Depression
Member

New poem, "Angels of Night."

It's my first actual free verse... originally was for a prelude to Angel: The Beautiful Outcast, but changed as the idea for the story did.
AQ  Post #: 5
9/28/2008 19:35:16   
Richie
Member

i like the angel one. I also like free verse poems.
DF  Post #: 6
9/28/2008 21:38:41   
_Depression
Member

I rarely do free verse, so don't be expecting much of it.


New poem, a mix of romance and... a little something else. I think it's one of my most epic (nerd term!) poems I've written. "A Lonely Man's Love Letter." Enjoy and comment!
AQ  Post #: 7
10/3/2008 22:33:50   
_Depression
Member

New poem, "Christ." I'm desperate for posts, now, so I'm going to try my hand at religious poems (a completely new and untraveled area for me).
AQ  Post #: 8
10/3/2008 22:51:20   
Richie
Member

um...... am i the only one reading your poems?

neway, that one is really good, the christ one i mean. i read the lonely man one on sheezy. that one's ok, but i didn't understand it. why does he love a bottle of beer that he'll eventually drink?
DF  Post #: 9
10/5/2008 20:01:05   
.::oDrew
Member

I must say, your poems all have really sweet concepts. I don't just mean the actual subject matter, but the forms and styles themselves are interesting as well. :o

Anyway, regarding your latest poem:

quote:

With every passing moment, I,
Raised by my God only to die,
Extend my love as far as I
Can see.

And from the dark of death, to me,
My Father called me back happily,
And rose up to life again to see
What I had done.

And looking up into the Sun,
Now smiling with everyone,
I prayed that I would soon become
Alive.


Once again, cool form. To start off with, I just have a few vocabulary-related suggestions.

"Extend my love as far as I..." <- Perhaps "eye" instead of "I?" It's essentially the same meaning, and avoids rhyming "I" with "I." (An "eye" for an "I," rofl. xP)

"My Father called me back happily," <- Probably not your strongest line. I was thinking maybe something using the word "free?" Like free(d) from death? :/

For the whole last stanza, I guess I don't really "get" what's being said. Surely He's already alive at this point? Perhaps you could clarify this stanza a bit, and then I can offer better suggestions. :D

Lastly, maybe find a way to replace "What I had done" with a two-syllable line, to fit in with the rest of the poem? I know this would probably take a lot of work and I tend to be quite a stickler for rhythm & beat and such, so I would totally understand if you wanted to leave it that way. :P

And yeah, bold, though commendable move goin' for the religious poetry thing. You did a pretty dang good job with this first one. :D

_____________________________

we look at the world once, in childhood.
the rest is memory.
Post #: 10
10/6/2008 18:38:43   
_Depression
Member

You like my form? Wow, cool. =D

I actually like the "eye" idea. I'll go change that. Thanks.

I wanted to use "free" originally, but I couldn't find a line to accompany it... if you have any suggestion, I'm all ears...

For the last stanza, I was alluding to the idea that our life on Earth is not truly our life. We truly begin to live in Heaven. Or at least, that's what I wanted to get across.

Sometimes, I break the rhythm scheme to emphasize a line. In this case, I just broke the rhythm because I couldn't think of a two-syllable replacement.

Thanks for the comments, I've been desperate for that. =)
AQ  Post #: 11
1/6/2009 16:28:09   
pollme
Member

Loved it!! All of your poems are great! Keep writing!
AQ DF MQ  Post #: 12
1/11/2009 23:50:45   
_Depression
Member

Thank you, pollme. =)

New poem, "Regret" is up. Comments encouraged on any of my poems. =)
AQ  Post #: 13
2/1/2010 11:57:29   
_Depression
Member

Major bump here, new poem from a Christmas card I wrote for a girl I love. I'll never give her the card, but I wrote it nonetheless.
AQ  Post #: 14
4/11/2010 0:29:01   
Koi
Member

I think my favorite out of all your poems is "Regret." It just seems like a poem that people can RELATE to. Regrets always weigh heavily on people's minds, and I think you've really captured that essence in your poem.
AQ MQ  Post #: 15
11/6/2010 4:42:31   
_Depression
Member

Kind of a necro bump here, but I wrote a new poem this last hour, and despite the fact that it's almost 5 AM, I wanted to share. I'm really happy with how it turned out. =)

Koi: I'm always happy to hear that I captured an emotion or feeling well in my poems. To me, that's more important than any other aspect of it. I'm sorry it took me so long to see and respond to this comment, but thank you.
AQ  Post #: 16
11/8/2010 15:45:38   
Fleur Du Mal
Member

I really, really, really liked your newest addition, A Girl, a Smile, and a Rose with its soft, slow tempo, and dreamy feel. No wonder you felt so happy with how it turned out. The way you wrote it together with the theme made me relate/feel very strongly to/for it. =)
DF  Post #: 17
11/8/2010 17:24:18   
_Depression
Member

Thank you. I'm glad the pacing was as smooth as I wanted it to be, I was afraid it got a little jumpy in the seccond stanza...
AQ  Post #: 18
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