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.::oDrew -> RE: Verses from a Mind Confused [Comments] (10/5/2008 20:01:05)
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I must say, your poems all have really sweet concepts. I don't just mean the actual subject matter, but the forms and styles themselves are interesting as well. :o
Anyway, regarding your latest poem:
quote:
With every passing moment, I,
Raised by my God only to die,
Extend my love as far as I
Can see.
And from the dark of death, to me,
My Father called me back happily,
And rose up to life again to see
What I had done.
And looking up into the Sun,
Now smiling with everyone,
I prayed that I would soon become
Alive.
Once again, cool form. To start off with, I just have a few vocabulary-related suggestions.
"Extend my love as far as I..." <- Perhaps "eye" instead of "I?" It's essentially the same meaning, and avoids rhyming "I" with "I." (An "eye" for an "I," rofl. xP)
"My Father called me back happily," <- Probably not your strongest line. I was thinking maybe something using the word "free?" Like free(d) from death? :/
For the whole last stanza, I guess I don't really "get" what's being said. Surely He's already alive at this point? Perhaps you could clarify this stanza a bit, and then I can offer better suggestions. :D
Lastly, maybe find a way to replace "What I had done" with a two-syllable line, to fit in with the rest of the poem? I know this would probably take a lot of work and I tend to be quite a stickler for rhythm & beat and such, so I would totally understand if you wanted to leave it that way. :P
And yeah, bold, though commendable move goin' for the religious poetry thing. You did a pretty dang good job with this first one. :D
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