Eukara Vox
Legendary AdventureGuide!
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Mr. Cow Goes to Florida
By Cow Face, at the Zardian e-Zine
Annotated by Nuclear Dragon, at the Dragon Mafia HQ
For Spring Break this year, I had the opportunity to visit Florida! And since I'm such a wonderful, gracious person, I invited my arch-nemesis Nuclear Dragon along for the ride. --Nuclear Dragon here. In reality, I invited Mr. Face along, though I permitted him to retain the illusion of superiority he holds. While I find his catalogue of events generally quite accurate, there are certain points which I feel I must add to. In addition, having an intelligent person's writing to read will be nice for you, as opposed to a torrent of the mindless drivel Mr. Face often writes. Anything I contribute will be italicized and in green; in addition, I have taken the liberty of annotating this article. Unlike Mr. Face, however, I will not resort to an over- and misuse of asterisks. I will use a neat, orderly numbered system[0]. Meanwhile, back to Mr. Face's manuscript in (most of) its original format.-- So with nothing more than a spiffy new hat, a rental car and lots of snacks, we set out.
Day One: Exodus
We started out our vacation by waking up at a ridiculous hour of the morning and getting in our rented car. --I had suggested we fly, but the silly creature wouldn't let me carry him.-- The drive was approximately eleven hours, which we broke up into a nine-hour drive the first day, and a two-hour drive the second. During the interval in between, we stayed at a small hotel. Our accommodations were fine enough, but it would have been better had a certain someone not hogged both of the beds. --Even a mature Dragon such as myself needs his "beauty sleep."
Ah, and I would like to insert a serious point here: what I refer to (it may have a different name) as the Great Assimilation. This is the process by which everything is losing its uniqueness. Granted, we were only two states away from Florida, but still, I was disturbed by the monotony of the trip there. It seemed as though there was absolutely nothing different (excepting the man-made portions) about the landscape until we got right up to our destination. Most of what I saw were billboards and restaurant/store chains. I worry about the destruction of nature in this world; we are condemning ourselves to an existence sans beauty.--
Day Two: Fort-ified
The next day, we headed out to our first stop: Saint Augustine! This is the oldest continually-settled town in the entire United States. --It was first settled by the Spanish. Not surprising, given that it's in Florida.-- One of the main attractions is the Castillo de San Marcos, the oldest fort in the oldest continually-settled town in the United States. In sum, it's pretty darn old. However, it's still mainly intact! In the outer walls, some holes have been patched up, but they used the same building material- a type of soft limestone called coquina- that the original builders did, so besides the coloring, it looks authentic. --It was impressive how much of the original building was still there. Even many of the cannons were fully intact. Fortunately, they had welded the cannonballs together, so that someone like Mr. Face could not misuse them. Not without significant difficulty, anyway.--
They had tours and such of the fort, but we viewed it alone. It seems that a certain someone was making the tour guides nervous. Nonetheless, we did get to see the entire thing; they had almost all of the rooms open, as far as I know. A few were closed off for offices, and one had been turned into a gift shop, but for the most part, they were original. One thing I found interesting was the quarters for the soldiers. --He would be interested in the place where one sleeps.-- I don't envy them their beds: straw mats on a stone floor. And without central heat and air, their warmth[1] depended on a fireplace in the corner of the room. Right next to their quarters was a prison, which you could see into. The door remains closed, however, my guess is for sanitary issues. Really moldy in there. --Indeed. It reminded me of Mr. Face's brain cavity.--
After we had seen all of Castillo de San Marcos, we traveled on toward our final destination, Orlando. --He wanted to visit Artix Entertainment's headquarters after looking them up on MapQuest[2], but I told him that 1) it was out of our way, 2) we wouldn't have time, and 3) it would be quite rude to drop in without forewarning them. Particularly in his case.-- After a brief walk along the beach- Nuclear Dragon commented that he loves the feel of sand between his talons- we drove on (I lost my hat in a restaurant, sadly[3]) and finally reached our hotel room, where we collapsed, he on the bed and I on the sofabed. I came to miss real beds when I found that I was too tall for it. --I came to miss his sleeping in real beds when he kept whining about being too tall for it.--
Day Three: A Universal Event
We set out from our hotel room the next day, and got on a bus that would take us to Universal Studios Orlando. After that ride, we stepped through the doors and were in a whole new world, a whole new place we never knew! --Wrong film company, genius.-- Strangely, it looked rather like a parking lot. It took us[4] several minutes, but we eventually realized that it was the parking lot. With this knowledge, we strolled confidently on to the actual theme park.
One of the highlights of the trip for me was the Blues Brothers show. Set in the "Los Angeles" section of the park, it was performed live, right in front of the audience. The impersonators were quite good; they looked, sounded and acted quite like John Belushi and Dan Aykroyd. It was a musical show, of course starring Joliet Jake and Elwood Blues, and also with the restaurant owner (originally played by Aretha Franklin) and their mentor. They drove up in their trademark police car, complete with massive megaphone, and even brought the audience into the show. Those in the first row followed Jake around as he and they danced about. --The silly cow-faced one actually called out when instructed to do so. I... merely roared along on occasion. Only for the sake of the performers, of course. I would never do anything undeserving of a dignified Dragon.--
There were, of course, many other rides and shows, such as "Disaster!," an hilarious parody of modern disaster movies. In fact, I even got to be one of the three evil oil executives- no joke! --This makes sense, because Mr. Face is, in fact, evil.-- And when it comes to shooting aliens, let's just say that I saw a much higher score than someone else whom I could mention. --How true! He looked at the wrong indicator.--
--Day Four: SeaWorld. I refuse to engage in silly puns.
Ah, this is one that I'm going to write. Given that this trip was more intellectually stimulating (with no offense intended to those at Universal Studios), I find that my catalogue of events is more accurate than Mr. Face's. The next day, we started out for SeaWorld, by the same bus which had previously taken us to the Universal Studios. We found out later how lucky we were that we got there early; the park apparently sold out in the afternoon.
The shows here were impressive, and one was quite amusing. The latter was the first that we went to, as per Mr. Face's request. In it, sea otters[5] and sea lions performed alongside "pirates," in a comedy. I was intrigued by how well trained they were, particularly during the more action-filled scenes.
The next show was that of Shamu, their main orca. We sat in the "splash zone," which was very aptly named. After a story-based opening, they began a very well-choreographed show displaying the power, speed and agility of the so-called "killer whales." Unfortunately, Mr. Face purchased a towel, so that he did not become as thoroughly drenched as I had hoped he would.
Since it has been some time since our trip, I fear that my memory may have omitted some things, and if so, I apologize. However, one exhibition stands out quite clearly in my mind. This was another story-based show, very dramatic and excellently performed. It incorporated human acrobats and performers, dolphins, exotic birds, and so forth into a very artistic set. Honestly, I fear that I am not quite capable of putting into words some aspects of the show, but one that describes it well is beautiful.--
Days Five and Six: Exodus: The Sequel!
After four days of vacation, we decided it was time to head back to where we came from. Again, we split up the more than eleven hour trip into two days, and when we were finished, we were back at home. While I was happy to have a real bed again, I'm not at all sorry that I went. It was a great experience, and one that I recommend to all who read this article.
__________
[0] This is an example of my work; do you find it pleasing?
[1] That would be a problem. In Florida.
[2] Hmm, this is a possibility for a new AE game. Play as a daring cartographer!
[3] Because he's an idiot.
[4] Meaning him.
[5] I regret that, as far as I know, Ms. Maegwyn was not there when we were.
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