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The Order of the Dragon C&C Thread

 
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9/6/2009 16:25:06   
Gianna Glow
Member

Hello one and all! Here is my story and I hope you will enjoy it! Feel free to compliment, comment, criticize, ect. here! I've decided that as I finish chapters, I will post a direct link for ease of many.

The Order of the Dragons

Chapters
Prologue
Chapter 1

Well, enjoy!
-GG


< Message edited by green_girl02 -- 9/6/2009 16:30:08 >
DF MQ AQW  Post #: 1
9/7/2009 3:02:21   
Helixi
Member

Oh my, G got approved at last!

< Message edited by Helixi -- 1/8/2012 11:22:15 >
AQ DF  Post #: 2
9/7/2009 19:52:17   
Gianna Glow
Member

I know! :D Its exciting!!
DF MQ AQW  Post #: 3
9/7/2009 20:04:28   
Ultrapowerpie

Mail Moogle of AdventureQuest


Wow, I lurvs it GG! Can't wait for the next one! :3
AQ DF MQ  Post #: 4
9/7/2009 20:04:37   
Nightly
Member

Well since you were nice enough to post on my thread (I'll fix it eventually :P) I'll come by and stalk yours! :D



quote:

A draconic head wreathed by lighting was slowly forming, the pale blue-green steaks of lightning lighting up the pool’s dark and bottomless depths.


Are they supposed to be the same?

quote:

Another face flitted behind the dragon’s face, a more human face, but it was quickly fading into nothingness.


You change your tense here, doesn't help the flow to much.

quote:

The hurricane force winds began to twist around the column of rushing water, holding it in place.


Not to be nitpicky, but shouldn't the "hurricane force" winds have some sort of affect on your character?

quote:

The draconic being strode up to the column of writhing water and places both of her hands on the surface of the water. She closed her eyes and sighed. She then begins to scold the water the way a mother would scold a misbehaving child.


Again with the tense change.

quote:

Suddenly, Shayla raised her hands and murmured a few words of petition to Kelfer, pleading for patience and help. She then pushed her hands down, causing her to soar to the bottom of the pool, bulling the irate water down behind her.


Hold on there partner. When you push down in water, you go up, so she should of gone up to the top not down to the bottom. And usually, soar is used when you're flying or something. Like really high :D

quote:

She then proceeded to refasten the calming and binding magic to the water, all the while soothing it.


"on the water" sounds more appropriate.

quote:

Leaca smoothes out her soggy clothes with one hand as she replies, “After that episode, I couldn’t agree more Shayla. That was very painful this time. But first things first, we must report to the queen about what all has happened.”


Tense, tense, tense. As well as the paragraph after, which I won't quote so that you won't be rubbing your eyes and muttering stupid Nightly.

quote:

“Show me the rebels! De’emorgtan!” the vampire ordered curtly. The images swiftly shifted until they slowed down, revealing a large mountain range.
She growled in anger, “I already know they’re in the mountains! Show me their leader! Morge’goren!”


You can have that on the same line as mountain range :P

quote:

Lightening fills the air as the dragon flees.


I don't think you would want that word in there. Especially if you know what it means :/

Here be the end of Chapter 1.

Shall I continue?

< Message edited by Nightly -- 9/7/2009 20:28:34 >
Post #: 5
9/8/2009 5:42:57   
Crimzon5
Member

Question: Were you approved, or posting here came with your AKness?

Anyways, I'll read everything again... kinda forgot how the story went
quote:


If we can’t get the water under control again, we will lose both the village, our ability to find our allies, our ability to stay hidden and our entire kingdom.
Uhh... there are 4 things there, right?

quote:

Slowly, large blue and silver wings burst from her back, her skin shifting and growing to allow for the change.
I have a feeling it is grammatically corrects, but it sounds kinda awkward. May I suggest turning it into an independent clause? "... from her back; her skin shifted and grew to allow for the change."

To quote Fabula: Your call



< Message edited by Crimzon5 -- 9/8/2009 5:50:09 >


_____________________________


Can you see the Visions?
AQ DF  Post #: 6
9/8/2009 16:02:46   
Gianna Glow
Member

@Pie: Thanks! I have more backed up on my computer, but its kinda getting fixed by the computer-fixer-people, so it could be a while.
@Nightly: Thanks! I'll get to fixing those soon.
@Crimz: Guess what! I've got an answer for you! Lol, i was approved by Eukara... it was just slightly fast-tracked... and thanks, that makes more sense. I'll get it soon.
DF MQ AQW  Post #: 7
9/8/2009 20:59:43   
Nightly
Member

I'll work on 2 soon! :D Hopefully before you pull three out so I won't be working a double nighter :P
Post #: 8
9/9/2009 14:32:50   
Gianna Glow
Member

Heh, i wouldnt worry about chapter 3 for a while. Chapter 2 isnt done and my computer is currently away getting fixed.... so it will be a while.
DF MQ AQW  Post #: 9
9/9/2009 15:08:16   
deathwalker05
Member

quote:

“What? Where is the other face? This has never happened. The Pool of Sight has never reacted this way to a new power. This new one must be the most powerful yet, because the water is reacting to its power,”


That seemed like a very akward sentance.
Besides from that, good story.
AQ  Post #: 10
9/29/2009 1:25:42   
Crimzon5
Member

Any news about the next update? I'm eager to read more!
AQ DF  Post #: 11
9/29/2009 2:01:30   
Gianna Glow
Member

Lol, sorry about the wait everyone. I'll be getting to it soon. i'm almost settled into college and will be able to pick back up writing soon! :D
DF MQ AQW  Post #: 12
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