.Discipline
Member
|
Hi, I'm Discipline and I'll be your purveyor of scrutiny this eve. Don't have much time right now so I'll just do the intro for you.
quote:
The intricate looking black blade shot out the other way, glowing a bit.
Not quite sure what you mean here. The other way from what?
quote:
It wasn't a problem wearing a black and gold armor.
Why would the colour be a problem for him? You could expand on that or find better wording.
quote:
to decapitate it's head
If you say you've decapitated something, there's no need to qualify that it was the head, it just makes the sentence seem weird.
quote:
the massive building made into the mountain
Should probably be 'built', 'hewn' or 'carved' into the mountain, as opposed to made. It's not common to use 'made' in terms of completed buildings.
quote:
Quickly, he took up the dragon's head and bowed before leaving
Who took it ? Alaric or the new character you were just describing? Also, took it up is generally used with weapons, not objects, but it should be clear what you mean.
quote:
Mainly in part to the ongoing Undead Assault near DoomWood, which itself was only on the other side of the mountain.
'Mainly in part' makes no sense. 'Owing in part' or 'Mainly due to', plus the whole sentence here seems a little jumbled. Undead Assault doesn't need to be capitalized, although maybe that was a reference to the minigame. 'Itself' doesn't need to be in this sentence at all.
Those are the main things I notice about the intro. The storyline up to that point seems pretty good, how easily he takes out a dragon sets the scene for how awesome of a character he is. :D
I'll be back to eat the rest of your soul / finish your critique later.
< Message edited by .Discipline -- 5/19/2012 11:57:09 >
_____________________________
|
Printable Version
Icon Legend
New Messages
No New Messages
Hot Topic w/ New Messages
Hot Topic w/o New Messages
Locked w/ New Messages
Locked w/o New Messages
Post New Thread
