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Through Oblivion and Back Story Discussion

 
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3/11/2013 10:22:37   
Warmonger Starsaber
Member

Here is where you can Critique the Through Oblivion and Back collaborative story with Me Alka Nephrite and Dragon_Monster, please be nice Alka wrote the Chapter with a combo of our ideas, I'm not good at writing them but I'm good at making them so do Enjoy, Here is the link to the Story. http://forums2.battleon.com/f/tm.asp?m=21167170&mpage=1&key=�.
AQ DF AQW Epic  Post #: 1
3/22/2013 0:01:14   
Break Eventide
Member


An interesting tale. I'm not so thorough as to point at any single mistake, though I noticed one or two... Regardless, I'm looking forward to seeing what your collaboration will bring. Excellent detailing, gripping you at the very beginning with action. The transitioning of time went well for causing some suspense.

On the other hand, I notice some grammar mistakes and typos. Mostly minor things, nothing to be too concerned about. Just remember to consider the reader. It could be just a bit more clear on the transitioning, and I'd avoid repeating words too often.

Good luck, and have fun!
DF MQ AQW  Post #: 2
3/22/2013 11:14:19   
dragon_monster
Member

Its very well detailed its so easy to imagine what happened but I liked a lot what the dragon did it makes Christian more interesting.
AQ DF MQ  Post #: 3
3/23/2013 18:22:54   
deathlord45
Member

I have to agree with Break it's quite interesting my only question is why was what was already there(Starsaber's post) reposted when the original could have simply been edited?
AQ DF MQ AQW  Post #: 4
3/24/2013 3:25:37   
AlkaNephrite
Member

Oh lookie, feedback.

@^: Something weird happened...the version on AE Fanfiction was supposed to be deleted quite a while ago...this was supposed to be on the Collabs section but the one there disappeared, weirdly enough and the deleted one reapeared. Unfortunately, the one on the collabs section was the revised, spell checked version so I reposted the updated one...I'll have to get the one on the fanfiction section transferred soon after this though...

Grammar mistakes and typoes?! *grabs spear and starts the hunt*

Next chapter should come in soon.
Post #: 5
3/24/2013 4:35:30   
Warmonger Starsaber
Member

Ok everything should be fine I think I got the Story set up again, so you guys like the Characters for the story ?, wait till you see what we have planned.
AQ DF AQW Epic  Post #: 6
3/25/2013 17:44:39   
deathlord45
Member

The characters are great Starsaber. I have an idea of what going to happen in the story.

@Alka the one in the collaborations section was this one? ' The biography of a great hero of lore'. With the first post by dragon_monster? If it is it's one the first page of the collaborations thread links.

< Message edited by deathlord45 -- 3/25/2013 17:46:31 >
AQ DF MQ AQW  Post #: 7
3/25/2013 18:42:29   
Faerdin
Rune Knight


I have deleted a copy of this story, which had been placed in the incorrect L&L Sub-Forum (Don't worry, I deleted the older one of the two, as it seemed that the newer one had some edits made to it). Please remember that all collaborations must remain solely in the Collaborations Forum.

Now that's all done with, time for corrections!
If I spot a mistake, I may not list similar ones, so be prepared.

quote:

A few minutes ago, he was in the middle of a raging battlefield, his sword laying in a broken pile as a vurrman raised its blade to finish him off only to be slain by a man in golden armors.

A few minutes ago, he was in the middle of a raging battlefield, his sword laying in a broken pile as a Vurr'man raised its blade to finish him off only to be slain by a man in golden armor.*
Might want to consider fragmenting the sentence.
* Plates may also serve as a suitable replacement.

quote:

"So...finally awake, I see."

"So... finally awake, I see."
(A period used to end a sentence should always be followed by a space)

quote:

Looking around, he was in a place that seemed very familiar but he couldn't quite figure out where he was exactly.

Looking around, he could see that he was in a place that seemed very familiar, but he couldn't quite figure out where he was exactly.

quote:

Its eyes gleaming a cruel scarlet, it raised its blade high in the air.

The Vurr'man's eyes have already been described as scarlet, and it has already raised its sword as you described. I'd recommend avoiding repetition unless it bears some significance.

quote:

Laying on the ground, he had no doubt on whether the monster had enough power to piece through his armors.

Laying on the ground, he had no doubt on whether the monster had enough power to piece through his armor.*

* Once again, plates may be a suitable replacement.

quote:

"Their deaths won't be forgotten." he said quietly.

"Their deaths won't be forgotten," he said quietly.
(Whenever the sentence does not end with dialogue, the dialogue should be ended with a comma while the remainder of the sentence continues)

quote:

They looked at the open door and saw the silhouette of a man in armors standing by the room.

They looked at the open door and saw the silhouette of a man in armor standing by the room.

quote:

ignoring his staring at the dragon, the man asked him a question. "What's your name?"

Ignoring his staring at the dragon, the man asked him a question. "What's your name?"

quote:

He coughed wildly into his fist, blood staining his fist.

Using "fist" twice in this sentence isn't necessary.

quote:

"My name's Paul...where...what's happening?"

"My name's Paul... Where... What's happening?"

quote:

Strangely enough, the area around them and, by extension, the dragon, seemed strangely empty.

"Strangely" is used twice in this sentence.

quote:

For a second, he felt pity for the poor monsters...then his wounds throbbed and that pity turned into a sense of twisted triumph.

For a second, he felt pity for the poor monsters... Then his wounds throbbed and that pity turned into a sense of twisted triumph.

quote:

The man replied. "I'm taking you out of the battlefield; your injuries are too great for you to be of much use in this war. My dragon will take you to safety."

The man replied, "I'm taking you out of the battlefield; your injuries are too great for you to be of much use in this war. My dragon will take you to safety."

quote:

Without his realizing it, the man had already lifted him in his arms and placed him in the dragons claws.

Without his realizing it, the man had already lifted him in his arms and placed him in the dragon's claws.

quote:

"But...what about the..." he coughed. "-village? I should-"

"But... what about the..." He coughed. "-Village? I should-"

quote:

"Rest. You've done enough." the man said firmly. "Don't worry. Some reinforcements are coming from Swordhaven and some of my fellow heroes have decided to lend the village their aid."

"Rest. You've done enough," the man said firmly. "Don't worry. Some reinforcements are coming from Swordhaven and some of my fellow heroes have decided to lend the village their aid."



The imagery was heart-wrenching at times and I quite enjoyed what you've written thus far. It offers an interesting perspective on the townsfolk that the heroes of Dragonfable often must help. ;)

< Message edited by Faerdin -- 3/25/2013 19:30:54 >
AQ DF MQ AQW Epic  Post #: 8
3/25/2013 19:49:50   
AlkaNephrite
Member

@deathlord: Nope...this is a complete revision of that one though.

@Faerdin: Thanks for that! And thanks for spotting those. *grabs a new spear and begins another hunt*
Post #: 9
3/25/2013 22:59:56   
Warmonger Starsaber
Member

What do you think will happen next Death ?, thanks Fae I on accident made that one post in the wrong section, sorry, and thanks for corrections, any way did you enjoy the Story Fae, what is your guess for Chapter 2 ?.
AQ DF AQW Epic  Post #: 10
3/28/2013 16:48:03   
deathlord45
Member

spoiler:

@Starsaber your character mentors Dragon_monster's character. Your character eventally is captured and crippled by Seppy. Your character dies 20 years afterwards after training Dragon's character, who then trains with Alka's character.


How much did i get right.
AQ DF MQ AQW  Post #: 11
3/29/2013 5:32:24   
AlkaNephrite
Member

@^: Not everything but certainly one or two.
Post #: 12
3/29/2013 14:35:55   
Warmonger Starsaber
Member

Your pretty close with some of them, but not quite all Death, you will love to see what we have planned, I know I shouldn't say it but I'm excited since in
spoiler:

the later Chapters involve Book 3[\spoiler], so I'm really excited.
AQ DF AQW Epic  Post #: 13
3/30/2013 20:35:03   
deathlord45
Member

A few is better than none right? Also your going all the way to Book 3 interesting
AQ DF MQ AQW  Post #: 14
3/31/2013 3:16:46   
Warmonger Starsaber
Member

Yeah, and wait till you see a great scene for Chapter 2 and 6.
AQ DF AQW Epic  Post #: 15
6/25/2013 1:07:32   
popinloopy
Member

Absolutely fantastic. The flashbacks are a great way to give the story and tell what's happened up until this point, and they give a good sense of the setting as well. I look forward to reading more.
AQ DF MQ AQW Epic  Post #: 16
6/25/2013 15:56:03   
dragon_monster
Member

Nice way of expressing feelings and pain in writing it is so interesting and makes you imagine the pain a certain character feels.
AQ DF MQ  Post #: 17
6/28/2013 5:45:54   
Warmonger Starsaber
Member

Thanks guys Chapter 2 will be done soon.
AQ DF AQW Epic  Post #: 18
7/25/2013 6:04:51   
AlkaNephrite
Member

*almost a month later* ...hehehe...
Okay, look who's finally about to release the second chapter....or half of it, at least. Funny story here, chapter 2 was supposed to be about twice as long as the one I'm releasing, including the fight scene and a few character introductions. Then, when I looked at my calendar, I realized something. If I wanted to release everything I wanted to release, I would never finish due to school work. So I compromised and am just releasing about...50% of what I wanted to write. It's still pretty long though and besides...well... this should explain my situation, albeit in a nonsensical way. And on that note, character sketches! Here's two who haven't really made their appearances yet, though they WILL be fairly important in the story later on, but were given descriptions early. Drea and Rosalka everyone! Christian's hasn't been finished yet, for reasons I will not state (...jk, the armor's just complicated to draw) and I'll start on Paul's after I'm through with Christian. Both'll be on my DevArt account's gallery when they're done. And yes, I am also self advertising my DevArt account. Blatant huh?

Fun fact: Contrary to popular belief, a snowball DOES have a chance in a pyromancer's inferno. It all depends on the pyromancer's skill and intention. *grins*

< Message edited by AlkaNephrite -- 8/4/2013 7:29:48 >
Post #: 19
7/25/2013 12:00:21   
Warmonger Starsaber
Member

Great Job Alka, yes Chapter 2 50% has been posted and I thank my friend Alka for all of her help, we have been working on this for a while, thanks Alka, so read up, we still have more coming.
AQ DF AQW Epic  Post #: 20
8/20/2013 19:32:19   
Faerdin
Rune Knight


It is that time again... Correction time!
Once again, I may not note errors of a similar kind more than once.

quote:

A week after the vurr’men invasion, the worst of the damage done to the village had been repaired and most of the injured were healed and ready to get back to their normal lives.

A week after the Vurr’men invasion, the worst of the damage done to the village had been repaired and most of the injured were healed and ready to get back to their normal lives.

(Whether or not Vurr'men is capitalized depends on whether or not you wish to follow DragonFable's rules on capitalization in regards to the Vurr'men; just making note of this)

quote:

The once fine collection of herbs and flowering plants growing around the village had been trampled underfoot, whether by attacker or defender, no one was sure.

The once fine collection of herbs and flowering plants growing around the village had been trampled underfoot; whether by attacker or defender, no one was sure.

("Whether by attacker or defender" begins a new train of thought, which should be separated by a semicolon or period)

quote:

Still watching the people working around him, he strode his way past the houses undergoing repairs, pausing only to greet his wife when he passed by her healing booth, before stopping just in front of the remains of the weapon shop, right by the edge of the village.

This feels a little bit like a run-on sentence. An easy fix for this could be replacing the commas in some places with hyphens. It may interrupt with new information without breaking the flow of the sentence as a whole, like this:

"Still watching the people working around him, he strode his way past the houses undergoing repairs- pausing only to greet his wife when he passed by her healing booth- before stopping just in front of the remains of the weapon shop, right by the edge of the village."

quote:

"I asked you a question...what are you doing here?"

"I asked you a question... What are you doing here?"

(The start of a new sentence should be capitalized)

quote:

[his voice trailed off, as if he was unsure of what to say.

His voice trailed off, as if he was unsure of what to say.

(The start of a new sentence should be capitalized)

quote:

"There’s a perfectly good sparring ground in the middle of the village and I’m sure the others’ won’t mind if you ask to have the place to yourself for a bit. Why out here?"

"... and I'm sure the others won't mind..."

(Apostrophe was not necessary)

quote:

"I uh...also wanted to avoid the...fan club back at the village."

"I uh... also wanted to avoid the... fan club back at the village."

(The lack of capitalization is fine here since the periods are breaking up a single sentence, but there should be a space between the periods and the first letter of the following word)

quote:

Brom burst out laughing, the light-hearted sound making him seem years younger.

Brom burst out laughing, the lighthearted sound making him seem years younger.

("Lighthearted" is a single word; no need for a hyphen)

quote:

Because of Christian active participation in defending the village and because of his being the one to slay the vurr’men’s leader, a V.O.U.G. called Snadzek, he had gained quite the fan club.

Because of Christian's active participation...

(The apostrophe and s are needed to convey that the active participation belonged to Christian)

quote:

The boy, being only ten years old, was, inevitably, refused.

The boy, being only ten years old, was inevitably refused.

(Careful about comma usage! Don't want to overload it)

quote:

"You...you have to be one of the most skilful swordsmen I’ve seen in years."

"You... You have to be one of the most skillful swordsmen I’ve seen in years."

quote:

Or, according to other stories, killed himself, rambling about a Great Prophecy and two Great Dragons before he picked up a dagger and lit his own throat.

Or, according to other stories, killed himself, rambling about a Great Prophecy and two Great Dragons before he picked up a dagger and slit his own throat.

quote:

Judging by the look on his face, the answer was a big fat yes.

Judging by the look on his face, the answer was a big, fat yes.

(Commas are necessary in lists of descriptive words)

quote:

And laugh and laugh and laugh...

And laugh, and laugh, and laugh...

(Commas are also necessary in other lists)

quote:

"You’re my son. I’m your father. Of course I knew." he replied, his face unreadable.

"You’re my son. I’m your father. Of course I knew," he replied, his face unreadable.

(Commas are used to end dialogue that would otherwise end in a period if it were to end the sentence)

quote:

"You...you have the ability to fulfil what your mother and I could not."

"You... You have the ability to fulfill what your mother and I could not."



This was a very heartwarming chapter, and I feel it sets the stage for Paul very well.
Some abundant use of ellipses (...) toward the end was a little off-putting, but otherwise, very enjoyable.
AQ DF MQ AQW Epic  Post #: 21
8/21/2013 5:21:24   
Warmonger Starsaber
Member

Thank you Faerdin, I appreciate it, what do you mean about the ellipses ?, why are they off putting ?.
AQ DF AQW Epic  Post #: 22
8/21/2013 11:03:11   
AlkaNephrite
Member

@^: Overuse is never good. Overusing ellipses can get somewhat offputting. I should really stop it....

@Faerdin : Duly noted, hopefully corrected (though I think I got them all, I can never be too sure *lays down bloodied spear*). Thanks for spotting those and for the feedback. Much appreciated.
Post #: 23
8/21/2013 14:31:53   
Faerdin
Rune Knight


Alka hit it right on the head. Unfortunately, overuse of both commas or ellipses in a sentence can be a little off-putting. Fortunately, I think that was the most pressing grammatical error I found throughout my combing of the story, and it is comparatively small. You guys are doing a wonderful job, and I cannot wait to see the next chapter. ^_^
AQ DF MQ AQW Epic  Post #: 24
8/22/2013 23:11:00   
salene
Member

hey starsaber, long time no talk ;)

anyway, i read the story and loved it. im bad at editing so i will leave that to the professionals (glances at faerdin)

i do have one thing though. i might say to add a little more effect christians fight had on him. other than that i love it. keep up the good work!
AQ DF AQW  Post #: 25
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