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Faerdin -> RE: Through Oblivion and Back Story Discussion (8/20/2013 19:32:19)
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It is that time again... Correction time!
Once again, I may not note errors of a similar kind more than once.
quote:
A week after the vurr’men invasion, the worst of the damage done to the village had been repaired and most of the injured were healed and ready to get back to their normal lives.
A week after the Vurr’men invasion, the worst of the damage done to the village had been repaired and most of the injured were healed and ready to get back to their normal lives.
(Whether or not Vurr'men is capitalized depends on whether or not you wish to follow DragonFable's rules on capitalization in regards to the Vurr'men; just making note of this)
quote:
The once fine collection of herbs and flowering plants growing around the village had been trampled underfoot, whether by attacker or defender, no one was sure.
The once fine collection of herbs and flowering plants growing around the village had been trampled underfoot; whether by attacker or defender, no one was sure.
("Whether by attacker or defender" begins a new train of thought, which should be separated by a semicolon or period)
quote:
Still watching the people working around him, he strode his way past the houses undergoing repairs, pausing only to greet his wife when he passed by her healing booth, before stopping just in front of the remains of the weapon shop, right by the edge of the village.
This feels a little bit like a run-on sentence. An easy fix for this could be replacing the commas in some places with hyphens. It may interrupt with new information without breaking the flow of the sentence as a whole, like this:
"Still watching the people working around him, he strode his way past the houses undergoing repairs- pausing only to greet his wife when he passed by her healing booth- before stopping just in front of the remains of the weapon shop, right by the edge of the village."
quote:
"I asked you a question...what are you doing here?"
"I asked you a question... What are you doing here?"
(The start of a new sentence should be capitalized)
quote:
[his voice trailed off, as if he was unsure of what to say.
His voice trailed off, as if he was unsure of what to say.
(The start of a new sentence should be capitalized)
quote:
"There’s a perfectly good sparring ground in the middle of the village and I’m sure the others’ won’t mind if you ask to have the place to yourself for a bit. Why out here?"
"... and I'm sure the others won't mind..."
(Apostrophe was not necessary)
quote:
"I uh...also wanted to avoid the...fan club back at the village."
"I uh... also wanted to avoid the... fan club back at the village."
(The lack of capitalization is fine here since the periods are breaking up a single sentence, but there should be a space between the periods and the first letter of the following word)
quote:
Brom burst out laughing, the light-hearted sound making him seem years younger.
Brom burst out laughing, the lighthearted sound making him seem years younger.
("Lighthearted" is a single word; no need for a hyphen)
quote:
Because of Christian active participation in defending the village and because of his being the one to slay the vurr’men’s leader, a V.O.U.G. called Snadzek, he had gained quite the fan club.
Because of Christian's active participation...
(The apostrophe and s are needed to convey that the active participation belonged to Christian)
quote:
The boy, being only ten years old, was, inevitably, refused.
The boy, being only ten years old, was inevitably refused.
(Careful about comma usage! Don't want to overload it)
quote:
"You...you have to be one of the most skilful swordsmen I’ve seen in years."
"You... You have to be one of the most skillful swordsmen I’ve seen in years."
quote:
Or, according to other stories, killed himself, rambling about a Great Prophecy and two Great Dragons before he picked up a dagger and lit his own throat.
Or, according to other stories, killed himself, rambling about a Great Prophecy and two Great Dragons before he picked up a dagger and slit his own throat.
quote:
Judging by the look on his face, the answer was a big fat yes.
Judging by the look on his face, the answer was a big, fat yes.
(Commas are necessary in lists of descriptive words)
quote:
And laugh and laugh and laugh...
And laugh, and laugh, and laugh...
(Commas are also necessary in other lists)
quote:
"You’re my son. I’m your father. Of course I knew." he replied, his face unreadable.
"You’re my son. I’m your father. Of course I knew," he replied, his face unreadable.
(Commas are used to end dialogue that would otherwise end in a period if it were to end the sentence)
quote:
"You...you have the ability to fulfil what your mother and I could not."
"You... You have the ability to fulfill what your mother and I could not."
This was a very heartwarming chapter, and I feel it sets the stage for Paul very well.
Some abundant use of ellipses (...) toward the end was a little off-putting, but otherwise, very enjoyable.
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