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Fleur Du Mal -> RE: The Steakhouse | Comments (9/15/2009 12:39:20)
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Hi! I am here to pay a surprise visit to your prose thread. =P
Without further ado: I read your latest addition: Escape. In general, you have a good theme and an execution to match it. I could feel for the narrator strugging against his/her confinements. You had managed to capture a crucial part of the suffocating feeling of a self-made prison.
Imho, there are a few things that could still be improved. One of them is the slight obscurity of the piece. On the other hand, a person fighting for their freedom under such heavy weight you have described, may not see everything clearly. Their view might be somewhat blurred. But is it too blurred for the reader to follow? I got a little confused when this
quote:
I had just enough slack to stand comfortably- well, as comfortably as was possible when my feet were being cut by the rocks.
was followed by this
quote:
I ran toward it, and threw my entire weight against it, to no noticeable effect.
without further transition. I saw that the scenery, the prison was evolving and changing through the narrator's mindscape, but this sudden change from having very little slack to suddently running against the stone felt really confusing. I assume I was waiting for a clearer change in the mindscape before the person could take the steps as to run against the pebble. Might be just me though.
Since the overall mood is pretty heavy and desperate, this latter sentence sounds really odd:
quote:
Some amount of time passed, but was it seconds or years? Probably the former, because I was not yet hungry.
The fact that the narrator can't tell the difference between seconds and years works, but the fact that his/her reasoning for seconds is formulated in a very nonsensical way, makes the former sentence sound pretty comedical, imho. I find it very odd that when the narrator is considering about such a long time as years, and finds him/herself not hungry, (s)he still says 'Probably'. I'm also failing to see what else the 'hunger' would represent here but the pure physiological need for food. And that's why I find this somewhat comical and contrasting the general mood.
My suggestion for you to freely use or discard would be a rewording:
'Time passed, but was it seconds or years? Surely not years, as I felt no hunger.'
Imho, substituting 'probably' with 'surely' would give more sense to the latter sentence, if the narrator is going to use the hunger as the measuring stick.
This is a very minor detail:
quote:
No breath had ever been so sweet before.
Imo, this sentence has a bunch of little words that, eventhough stating an important change, are not that describing. So, I'd like to suggest cutting down the words or replacing them with stronger ones, eg:
'No breath had ever tasted so sweet.'
or
'Never before had I breathed in so deep.'
As a whole, you have used a lot the verb 'to be' which isn't always the optimal in terms of expression. I don't know if there's any reason to start butchering those away, though. It just might be something for you to look at. Where would the balance between 'things just were like this and there was nothing I could do about it' and 'the heavy weight of the grim walls pressing down on me, squishing me, until I clawed my fingers into the concrete' be? The first describes helplessness, the latter suffocation but fighting against it. It's for you to decide which works better for your story. If I'm even making any sense here... =P
Hmm, I can't seem to be able to think anything more to babble my opinions about... I hope you find some use for this post. =P
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