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Eukara Vox -> RE: Bballman23's Works - Comments (9/4/2008 18:30:26)
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The Noble War:
Well, here we go!
This is my take on the story. I didn't read anyone else's commentary, as you have already addressed their points. So, this is based entirely on how I look at this piece. My views first, then my overall opinion last.
quote:
Alexander Boone was dying. He lay on the hill in a pool of his own blood, bleeding to death from the single deep saber slash across his chest. Rather than proudly thinking that his was a sacrifice on behalf of his nation and pride, the thing that crossed Alexander’s mind in his last moment was what got him into this mess in the first place. Alexander had been taken from his home and loving parents, three months ago to the day. He was pressed into the infantry of King Cornelius’ armies and sent to a military outpost far to the north of his hometown, dragged into this bitter conflict that had taken the lives of thousands of young men such as him and changed their worlds forever. The only thought that bubbled up the innocent boy's mind as the life flowed out of him was that he had never said goodbye to his loved ones before he was ruthlessly torn from his family by Cornelius' soldiers and thrown into war.
Hmm, I would split this up, more for description and mood setting than anything else. The paragraph is too large and takes away from what the second half has to say.In my opinion you also need to connect the dying guy to the battle better. It will not only enrich your beginning, but help tie together other parts of this first section.
As he lay there, bleeding to death, there has to be stuff going on around him. You have completely lost focus on his place in the story. He is dying because of battle. He needs to see the battle, continue to experience it in order to throw him back to why he was there in the first place. Are people running around him frantically? Has anyone checked on him? Is he already considered dead as other fight over him in their own efforts to stay alive? Does he try to move to another fallen comrade, to at least have someone else to die with?
You need to work in these other youth that were ripped form their homes and fighting also. Otherwise, you don't have the impact of his memory taking hold of your audience. If you have him watch his comrades as he dies, you can successfully create some major sympathy with your reader, not only to his plight, but to everyone else's.
Then as he labors to breathe and he begins to feel cold, have him recall how he got there. Have him look upon those other fallen or fighting friends and remember how he got to this point in his life. Launch into how he was ripped form his family, like all the others. Maybe include a few thoughts that illustrate his bitterness.
Close this section with his regret to say goodbye. Have him think or imagine the scene where he says goodbye. Make it seem realistic to him so that as he dies, he dies feeling better about his death. Or have him mouth the words goodbye as his eyes close.
Now you have established a sympathy, an anguish and emotion in your reader. With this, you can get them ready to meet the person most responsible: Enter Cornelius. The above has the possibility to be spread over 4-5 paragraphs, depending on your descriptive abilities.
Now that you have told the plight of one of those poor peasants, you have already led the reader to make assumptions about this new character.
quote:
Ruler of a large southern realm, King Cornelius had conscripted thousands of poorly trained peasant swordsmen and archers to fight alongside his powerful knights and noblemen. In return for this service, the king promised loot, women, and other spoils of war to the men once their northern neighbor ceded its southernmost province – known as the land of Merritt – to his kingdom. Cornelius was continuing a struggle that had begun in his family generations before; his father and his grandfather alike had waged war to capture the Merritt province, although neither had been successful. Thousands of lives had been lost in the process, and in his time Cornelius had only increased the brutality. The exact cause of the struggle – why the possession and conquering of the land of Merritt had become so important an objective – had been lost to history as the war dragged on. Despite this, the need to regain the land had been pounded into his mind from birth, and Cornelius knew that the war was a matter of family pride. His passion to recapture his family’s land burned deep in his heart, and drove him to terrible actions. Again, rather large paragraph that should be split to give the reader the ability to concentrate on all the ideas in this paragraph. The first two sentences alone should be their own paragraph. Take what you have written and turn it into a way to characterize Cornelius. How did he go about the conscription of peasants? Did he use propaganda, underhanded advertisement, false witnesses... Describing how he did this will go a long way to paint a picture of him, and quite possibly, how the people of his kingdom react to him or regard even themselves. Once you have given us this picture, you can move on to the history of this war. This could take you 2 paragraphs, actually I suggest that.
Make the brief history a paragraph to its own. I see no real need to expand this part, unless you want to point out one things each man did wrong before Cornelius.
quote:
Cornelius’ promises to his people had become more and more grandiose with time in order to gain their support in the terrible struggle. Every time another village was put to the sword, another army drafted and dedicated to the fight, and another tax levied from the peasant, he amplified his promises of riches and the spoils of conquest. Things would come in good time, the king and his officials insisted. Few in the land had the courage to, and more often had the intelligence not to, point out that these promises were made from the high seat in the capital by plump men in court attire rather than on the battlefield from those garbed in battle-stained uniforms. This paragraph is full of very complicated sentences and can possibly cause you to lose your audience. The second and last sentences need to be split up.
Use one paragraph to chronicle Cornelius' promises. Give the reader examples of what you mean by grandiose. Just telling them that the promises of riches and spoils is not going to be enough by now for the reader. Be specific. Does a farmer, who fights and returns, have the promise of better land, more land, or perhaps servants to help tend the fields? Do the swordsmiths have the guarantee that they would have the excess damaged weapons to melt down in order to recreate better ones for his country and king?
When it comes to "Things would come in good time," I would rather this be expressed in whispered dialogue between the peasants, stolen conversation by firelight, secret meetings of the women left behind in quilting gatherings, children mocking their king while the common soldiers weren't looking. You need to put some character into your country now. We have a good idea about the king, now you need to work in personality within the people of your country.
Alright, I must stop here, more because of time.
I am not done. Not by a long shot. But this gives you something to chew on while I go about RL stuff. I will return.
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