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mastin2 -> RE: Author's Fantasy [Comments] (7/7/2008 17:24:17)

(Third Page already? And all but one has been either you or I...)

spoiler:

Well, then, I can assume that it's one of the unintroduced three characters. 'Cause

Gaia--very strong magic potential. And that usually means something special. But her parents were just ordinary. And I just don't get that kind of feeling from her character. She seems to have other purposes. (Speaking of which, I need to add my theories on her.)

Sarah--Well, we really don't see (yet) any potential in her at all. For all we know, she's a character to stand on the sidelines with absolutely no power at all. So theoretically, the way to allow her to become somehow important would be to make her the angel. But, again, I don't get that kind of a feeling from her. Simply put, it doesn't seem like something likely to happen.

Breeze--I don't think so. Her royal lineage just makes everything about her say 'no'. I simply cannot believe it is her for the moment. Practically the only way I see it happening is if she receives a near life-threatening injury to herself, 'awaking hidden powers'. But I doubt that.



Now, who is this character? Well, crazy guesses...

-A rogue. No official nationality. (About 25% possibility)

-Someone working for Aethon, just hasn't been needed yet, hence not introduced. (25%)

-Andy mentioned 'kill both of you'. While the other we're supposed to assume is Inyro, it could be another character...(10%)

That leaves me with 40%, right?

-Is working for Cronois (25%)

-Is just a normal human yet to be introduced (10%)

-The other 5% is reserved for combinations of the above (such as double agent, for example) and plot twists I cannot predict.


*Pants* Well, that took a little out of me. I'll just have to wait and see if I'm right. (Or you could tell me right now...)

-M



Firefly -> RE: Author's Fantasy [Comments] (7/9/2008 10:47:54)

Chapter 17:

Note: For the stylistic suggestions, take whichever ones you agree with or are neutral about. You're the writer. If only one thing I said was helpful, then I've done my job.

quote:

Ryan followed Robina into the far right corner of the large, department-store size room

Well, I dunno 'bout the dialect in where you live, but in where I come from, this should be "department store-sized" esp. considering the tense.

quote:

and glanced lazily at the many shirts and pants lying haphazardly on the tables.

Why would he glance at them "lazily"? Makes no sense. He's coming to buy something for a girl he cares for. Sure, he can be a bit annoyed at the abundance, but putting lazily here wrecked the atmosphere and sounded like you were purposefully describing for the sake of describing. Since I can't really suggest another word, I suggest you just take this one out. Works fine withou it.

quote:

he could almost see shoppers searching valiantly through the mountains of clothing for what they needed.

Hmm, repetition of "clothing" after "clothes" isn't good. Plus, this sentence might sound nice with some alliterature. "mountains of material" perhaps?

quote:

but thought better of himself and remained quiet.

I'm not sure if this is really the correct way to phrase it. Has the potential to be rather confusing/incorrect. Also, I think the sentence will have stronger correlation if "remained" was changed to "decided to remain. That leaves something like: "thought better about it and decided to remain silent"

quote:

I've never actually been in here before

I don't think that word is necessary. It threw off the flow of the sentence and it's not needed. She's been here or she hasn't. There's no real "actually" It could be passed off as speech, but I'd still take it out for flow reasons.

quote:

revealing a blue tube top fit tightly over a white tee-shirt.

"fitting" is the correct tense of the word you want here.
Umm, this might be a spelling difference from different places, but I'd spell it "t-shirt"...

quote:

the young girl asked, in awe.

I don't see the reason for that comma. It's grammatically unnecessary and the pausing will throw off the flow for your readers.

quote:

Robina glanced down and, seeing the opening, felt her face redden deeper.

"deeper?" I don't recall her face already being red in the first place. If it was, you probably missed stating it. If it's from last chapter, her face /probably/ has cooled down by now...

quote:

Ryan raised an eyebrow at the girl's exactness.

Hmm, seems like a rather informal word choice for straight narration. "precision" would work better. ("accuracy" isn't the correct term from a technical stance)

quote:

"What're you, her personal clock?"

I personally wouldn't use the contraction here. It reads weirdly, and such a contraction is only used by people who are very, er, "contractive" in their speech. I don't recall Ryan being extremely contractive. =P

quote:

The girl muttered something under her breath, her chocolate-brown hair muffling her words further.

I think you need to add/elaborate on this part. Her hair would only obscure her words if it covered her face/mouth. Try: "The girl muttered something under her breath, lowering her head so that her chocolate-brown hair muffled her words even further."

quote:

"I might as well be," Robina said, turning to face the boy with somewhat cold eyes.

The word used in this context seems a tad informal. I suggest "slightly" instead here. Or a rephrasing by taking out the speech tag (it's unnecessary anyways, since it's clear who's talking). ""I might as well be." Robina turned to face the boy, eyes somewhat cold."

quote:

Ryan let his mind drift off of the current conversation as he contemplated the girl's unfinished statement.

I think a plain "off" without the "of" flows better here.

quote:

'What was she not telling me?' he wondered silently. 'And how does she know Breeze so well?'

Just noting that italics are the more common form of indicating thought in the books I've read.

quote:

put her overworking mind to the side.

It's a bit wordy. A simple "aside" can replace all the bolded words.

quote:

Ryan and Gaia left Robina a near half hour later,

I would put a hyphen there. It acts as a single word in this context.

quote:

"Are you sure you're carrying enough, there?"

I wouldn't put the comma there. The pausing seems unnecessary.

quote:

Ryan turned to see Sarah, grinning wide, and he sighed.

Technically, "widely" is the form of the word you want.
Also, I'm a bit iffy about the way you phrased this. Since grinning is Sarah's only action, the two commas (or at least the first one) shouldn't technically be there. But it seems wrong to take them out just like that. Perhaps consider a rephrase or adding an action for Sarah?

quote:

The two continued walking and, as they reached the large oaken doors of the dining hall the child stopped.

Comma after "hall" The part after "and" and before "the" is a parenthetical aside or whatever you call them. I forgot the technical term. But you need commas surrounding that part both before and after.

quote:

"Where are we going to put these clothes?"

This has the potential to be rather confusing. "am I" is more accurate, since the way you're phrasing it sounds like Ryan's changing too. She also uses "I" in the next sentence, so it might be better if "I" was used in this one as well to make the speech more unified.

quote:

took the clothes from Ryan and Gaia, and took off down the hall

Bad repetition. Change second one to "walked" "strode" "marched" ect.

quote:

and in his frustration he called over one of the waiting servants.

"in his frustration" is also a parenthetical aside. But putting commas around there is overusing commas and pauses. So I suggest a rephrase. "and he called over one of the waiting servants in his frustration."

quote:

"Yes, can I ask what business you have with her?"

I think a new sentence works better after "yes." "Yes" is answering his question, and the second part is asking her own. If the second part was an elaboration of her answer, then that would be a different matter.

quote:

She led the two through a maze of tables to a section of tables near the kitchen.

No need for the repetition.

quote:

One of the waiters was at the table quickly, and bowed low before introducing herself as Kristen.

The "and" doesn't sit well for the flow here, esp. in conjunction with the comma. "...quickly, bowing low before..." would be better.

quote:

Kristen turned then to Gaia

Flows better if you switch the order of those two words.

quote:

and though it took her a moment she recognized the child.

Comma after "moment." Again, the surrounded by commas statements.

quote:

and she'll be training with my close friends Aria and Ryan beginning tomorrow.

"starting" fits better here, but i think a full rephrasing does the most for this sentence. "and she'll begin training with my close friends Aria and Ryan tomorrow."

quote:

"So, Ewan, why were you staring at her?"

He was? I didn't know until now. Might be more realistic if you said he was staring at her sometime during her actual appearance...

quote:

That dainty food that your girls eat outside of Aethon?

"The" fits better here, since "that" becomes a repetition in this sentence.

quote:

silently for another moment before they too turned to their food.

I think adding commas before and after the "too" adds more strength to the sentence.

quote:

The meal passed for the most part in silence

I'd switch the parts around. Flows better. "The meal passed in silence for the most part"

quote:

the occupants of the table too busy with their respective dinner to take time talking.

I think it should be "dinners" here, but anyways, "plates" would be more accurate, imo.

quote:

Breaking the mutual silence, from time to time, was the servant Kristen.

Instead of telling you to add commas, I'm gonna tell you to remove them here. They're unnecessary and rather bad for the flow of this sentence.

quote:

the servant asked, her voice low and almost lost

"asked again" might be more powerful here.

quote:

Again, however, the white-haired girl had fallen quiet.

"fell" is actually the better tense to use here, imo.
Btw, her hair was white? Wasn't it blonde? Or did you meant "white-robed" or something?

quote:

Twenty-four doors down the hall, Breeze opened a polished, metallic door and stepped inside.

Change the first one to "chamber" or "room"?

quote:

"Now you can answer," Breeze said strongly, "without giving an excuse."

"said strongly" reads rather weirdly. I think "harshly" works better. More accurate when referring to voice.
Hmm, did you mean this to be an open statement? In which case, you need a question mark at the end there, after "excuse".

quote:

chains dangling from the opposite.

"opposite one" might be better to refer back to the "walls" as stated earlier.

quote:

Kristen spun around, fear sending adrenaline coursing through her, and finding no escape grew more frantic than before.

"finding" is the incorrect tense unless you make it a parenthetical aside, but that would be a blatant overuse of commas. Rephrase that sentence. Also, "than before" isn't as strong as "than ever""Kristen spun around, fear sending adrenaline coursing through her, finding no escape and growing more frantic than ever."

quote:

bring this servant to the wall and chain her, please

Flows better without the comma. Grammar can be bended a bit here.

quote:

but unable to deny the princess he stepped forward.

Commas before and after the bolded part.

quote:

he led her to the wall decorated with simple, steel chains.

I'd kill that comma. Flows better without a pause.

quote:

chains and ankle chains as well. He backed away slowly in the direction of the smiling princess

Might be better to add something about him finishing. Transition feels a little incomplete. "After finishing, he backed..."

quote:

Kristen's tears fell harder, and she cried out in fear,

"faster" would fit more here, imo.
I wouldn't use this part as a speech tag. Seems more like a standalone sentence. Therefore, change the comma at the end to a period.

quote:

The tip of the princess' sword rested against the base of Kristen's neck.

"on" is better, imo. "against" is too bulky and takes away from the more important words of the sentence.

quote:

Breeze said, allowing her rapier to pierce the girl's skin.

"said" is much, much too weak here. It's a speech tag that adds little to the sentence. Sits badly beside the situation and the exclamation mark. I'd use "demanded" or something.

quote:

Breeze removed her blade from the servant, and returned it to its sheath

I'd take out the comma. Pausing there slowed the pace of the scene.

quote:

Don't ask, please. Now, Kristen

Adds a more insistent tone if you make a new sentence there. "Don't ask. Please."

quote:

What did your bother do during the raid?

Aha! I finally found a typo. I was impressed by the lack of them, _Dep. The least outta anyone I've edited for a long time, including myself. Should be "brother" right?

quote:

She and Ryan sat on the well-padded wood chairs, and watched the chained servant with interest.

You already state they're chairs. Just take this word out. Flows better and less redundant.
Also, I personally wouldn't use the comma before "and" Too many commas equals very slow pacing.

quote:

I had long ago forgiven your tribe of their actions.

I'd take out that word. It's unnecessary, and it doesn't seem as human-speech-like.

quote:

My lord, what conditions have you been living in

Wouldn't that be "lady" lol? She's female.

I really enjoyed this chapter. More descriptive than the other ones and shows quite a bit of depth. Good work, _Dep.

That's all for now. I'll read 18 later, but I think I wanna just enjoy it, not nitpick at it...

EDIT: I couldn't stop myself from reading 18. =P Awesomeness! Even better than 17. The scenes were very touching and impactful. I didn't wanna nitpick--just enjoy. There were a few repetitions and some of the stuff were a bit exaggerated, but it is really good. Great pacing and very nice impact.



mastin2 -> RE: Author's Fantasy [Comments] (7/9/2008 14:14:44)

Might I drop a comment on F^2's comments? (It helps to have another opinion, no? I also seem to like a 'slower' flow of sentences, though.)

quote:

Works fine withou it.
*Typo*

quote:

I don't think that word is necessary. It threw off the flow of the sentence and it's not needed. She's been here or she hasn't. There's no real "actually" It could be passed off as speech, but I'd still take it out for flow reasons.
Personally, I'd keep it as it is, or change it to another world. I kinda liked the flow right there.

quote:

I'd spell it "t-shirt"
t-shirt is the abbreviation of 'tee-shirt'. It is fine the way it is.

quote:

I personally wouldn't use the contraction here. It reads weirdly, and such a contraction is only used by people who are very, er, "contractive" in their speech. I don't recall Ryan being extremely contractive.
I'd keep the contraction, actually. I liked it like that.

quote:

I wouldn't put the comma there. The pausing seems unnecessary.
The flow seemed rather nice to me as it was there.

quote:

Also, I'm a bit iffy about the way you phrased this. Since grinning is Sarah's only action, the two commas (or at least the first one) shouldn't technically be there.
That's probably either style or location speaking, F^2, because I'd keep both commas.

quote:

"in his frustration" is also a parenthetical aside. But putting commas around there is overusing commas and pauses. So I suggest a rephrase. "and he called over one of the waiting servants in his frustration."
personally, I'd go with the comma approach. Speeding things up isn't always a good thing to do.

quote:

"and she'll begin training with my close friends Aria and Ryan tomorrow."
phrased that way, I'd also put commas after 'friends' and 'Ryan'.

quote:

quote:

The meal passed for the most part in silence



I'd switch the parts around. Flows better. "The meal passed in silence for the most part"
I'd keep it the same, with a comma after 'passed' and 'part'.

quote:

Instead of telling you to add commas, I'm gonna tell you to remove them here. They're unnecessary and rather bad for the flow of this sentence.
I'd keep 'em. If you do remove them, then I'd put a comma after 'servant'. I might do that even WITH the commas, but that might be a little excessive. But your choice.

quote:

Flows better without the comma. Grammar can be bended a bit here.
I disagree--I think it's fine as it is.

quote:

I'd kill that comma. Flows better without a pause.
That would actually be against what I know of description rules, but I do agree.



Firefly -> RE: Author's Fantasy [Comments] (7/9/2008 17:18:07)

quote:

I'd spell it "t-shirt"
t-shirt is the abbreviation of 'tee-shirt'. It is fine the way it is.

_Dep, I'd watch out if I were you. You spelled it "tee shirt" without the dash in chapter 18. Make sure you keep it consistent.

quote:

"and she'll begin training with my close friends Aria and Ryan tomorrow."
phrased that way, I'd also put commas after 'friends' and 'Ryan'.

Wrong. It's not a parenthetical aside here, actually. They are only asides if they don't add directly to the sentence. I forgot how exactly the rule was worded, but you don't need the commas.

The other ones are opinion. Or that I just /really/ can't be bothered in responding. *yawns* Mastin, let _Dep make his own choices.



mastin2 -> RE: Author's Fantasy [Comments] (7/9/2008 18:58:35)

Of course it's up to _Depression to make the choices...but when has a second (or third, or fourth, or fifth) opinion (which conflicts with many of the first/second/third/fourth opinion(s)) ever hurt someone? (On second thought...don't answer that.)

I actually had to leave before I finished giving my opinion on those, but, meh, not really that important. _Dep's story, _Dep's first, second, third, and final decision. We're just the people giving the opinions...
(Whew. I almost went into a philosophical rant right there before I stopped myself...)

-M

PS: I know the secret to Author's Fantasy that you didn't dare put in public. (And now I know why the story is just so funny)



_Depression -> RE: Author's Fantasy [Comments] (7/10/2008 22:00:17)

Firefly (post #52): I can't wait to actually go through the whole thing, lol. Thanks for the major critique, I would kiss you if I knew you.
mastin2 (post #53): An opinion on fly's opinion? Okay...
Firefly (post #54): >.> If you want inconsistent, look at all the "scarlet-haired" parts. That's inconsistent.
mastin2 (post #55): I have more, I'm planning to upload those at intervals while I work on the next chapters. =P


Speaking of next chapters... Chapter 19 is released!



mastin2 -> RE: Author's Fantasy [Comments] (7/10/2008 22:10:00)

*Shock*

*Utter shock*

*Silence from shock*

*Sudden large grin*

*Grin gets larger*


YES! *Reads*

Now, let's see if I can do anything. (If not, there's always theories)

quote:

the scarlet haired girl had saved Ryan's life
'scarlet-haired'? Which is the correct version? The hyphen or not? I do believe it is the hyphen...

quote:

And since then she had seemed almost otherworldly
I'd put a comma after 'then'.

quote:

The scarlet haired goddess was at his side
Again, hyphen?

quote:

"Ryan, you're okay," the relieved girl said.

"Thank God," Kristen said
repetition of 'said'. There's plenty of alternatives. Want me to give ya one?

quote:

and when it had died away the girl continued. "We
I'd put a comma after 'away'.

quote:

Ryan as Aria stood and backed away, and with a small smile motioned for
I might put a comma after 'smile'.

spoiler:

Breeze said it wasn't safe for people to know she had an older sister.


...In royalty, isn't the older one usually the person who is in charge?
I know you said

"I didn't want to be," Robina said simply. "I don't care for power, or prestige, or anything like that. My dad was the King, yeah, but I'm just like everyone else - normal."



...But royalty generally don't get a choice.


quote:

Kingdom of Ru-Ayl and get their
Not an error, but I request a pronunciation for this...

quote:

turned to the servant and said, seriously, "It's underground."
I'd actually drop the first comma. It doesn't seem necessary.

Yay! Finished reading!

spoiler:

That part about the interlocking werewolf stories--the second that Kristen mentioned heading home, I made the prediction. I didn't care to think of it before, because, well, I was waiting for Chapter Nineteen. But it was kinda predictable.


Oh, and as for
spoiler:

Robina, It was a little predictable since chapter seventeen. Again, I didn't think much of it, waiting for nineteen. But when 'next in line' was mentioned, I instantly thought Robina, Ewan, or *Unintroduced Character*. It wouldn't be any other. For a moment, I thought *unintroduced*, then Ewan, then Robina, then Ewan again, then Robina was what I settled for. So, yea, you ALMOST got me there.


-M



Firefly -> RE: Author's Fantasy [Comments] (7/10/2008 22:28:30)

I would like to read right now, but there's a high chance that my computer will go boom on me. Which means I might lose a few critiques... Some other time, _Dep...

Mastin is right, though. Technically, it should be "scarlet-haired" with a dash because it's a single adjective.

OH, and stop being so fast. I'll be slower than you if this continues...



deathwalker05 -> RE: Author's Fantasy [Comments] (7/10/2008 22:49:17)

Decided to start posting again, still a great story. Love to see how this will turn out.



_Depression -> RE: Author's Fantasy [Comments] (7/13/2008 22:29:05)

Mastin: Yeah, I know my "scarlet-haired" is inconsistent. You're correct, it is supposed to be hyphenated. lol, I'll get around to checking the whole story for that one of these days. Also:
Ru-Ayl: Pronounced: Roo-Ale. (Roo as in the character from Winnie the Pooh, Ale as in the drink. Alternatively, Ail, as in "ailment")
Spoiler 1: I know, it's a long story. Breeze was born before the King of Aethon died, and Robina convinced him to pass the throne to Breeze instead of her. There's more to the story, I'll be sure to put that in before the story's over, lol (and that won't be for a long while).
Spoiler 2: Predicting things the same chapter as it's revealed doesn't count. And anyway, the prediction could have been made in Chapter 17, when Kristen admitted she was the dead chief's daughter. =)
Spoiler 3: I'm getting better though. Actually, Robina getting the spot as the "other princess" was a last minute thing (meaning, I was debating about who it would be, myself. The part in Chapter 17 was going to lead to something else entirely, lol)

Firefly: Don't worry, I've got enough other stories to work on that no one chapter comes out too quickly. Nineteen was in the works before I posted Eighteen, though. So... yeah.

Deathwalker: You're back! Yay! Did you see my other story (Angel: The Beautiful Outcast)?



Arthur The Brave One -> RE: Author's Fantasy [Comments] (7/16/2008 17:28:32)

quote:

"He said that he would pledge his life to the Goddess of Lights, and promised me to do the same if I ever met her. He told me that he had met her, and saw her through the night her Protector was killed." Inyro looked to Kristen. "My father must have written this."


I think that should be "and made me promise to do", or something in the likes. :)
I loved the new chapter, and I'll be sure to keep up with this story! :)




_Depression -> RE: Author's Fantasy [Comments] (7/16/2008 19:12:45)

Yeah, thanks for catching that. =)

Chapter 20 is underway! And may be out by Sunday (don't hold me to that, though, I have a history of setting impossible deadlines for myself =P)

Edit: In other news, Outtakes II is re-released! (for anyone who had read the Outtakes before the purge, this was already up)



mastin2 -> RE: Author's Fantasy [Comments] (7/17/2008 13:35:16)

...Must...resist...urge...to...laugh...

AUG! [sm=rofl.gif] Hilarious!



Dantmotckc -> RE: Author's Fantasy [Comments] (7/23/2008 23:43:46)

quote:

"He was, Kristen," Inyro said, slowly transforming into his own werewolf form. He stepped over to the girl, laying a hand on her tense wrist as he gazed into her eyes, trying to calm her. "My father wrote about that night in his journal, and about the girl who was saved."


This image kinda threw me off; I'd been picturing the transfomed werewolves as mostly being on four legs.



_Depression -> RE: Author's Fantasy [Comments] (7/24/2008 0:10:56)

Umm... I don't think I ever specified that, but I always thought of werewolves (at least in AF) as two-legged. Granted, they probably could drop onto all fours if they wanted, but they're structurally built like humans. Sorry for the mix-up, Dan. =)

Edit: Outtakes III released.



mastin2 -> RE: Author's Fantasy [Comments] (7/24/2008 19:08:09)

I had meant to comment last night on it, but forgot to log in...

It's funny. What more to say? ROFL emotion, perhaps? I mean, it's done to death. It's funny. And because it is humorous, I don't think there's any point in pointing out any errors that would be in there, should the exist. Anyway, I found nothing (maybe because I was laughing too hard).



Firefly -> RE: Author's Fantasy [Comments] (7/26/2008 21:08:01)

Just completed Chapter 19 (at last).

Very interesting, _Dep. The pace you go at is engaging and your writing definitely has that x-factor to hook readers. There were times when things happened a bit too fast and the details were lost and overshadowed, but perhaps it's not in your style to describe absolutely everything. The emotions and dialogue play-offs were very well done. Only thing I suggest is sometimes the mystery is revealed too much at once. But on that regard, who am I to talk? <_<



_Depression -> RE: Author's Fantasy [Comments] (7/28/2008 14:46:37)

Believe me, Firefly, the mystery hasn't even begun to be revealed. Chapter 19's release may have opened a few curtains, but the doors remain locked.

=)

Oh, and I'm pretty sure everyone got this, but... for those who didn't...
quote:

The Coronated Regime Of Ninety-One Immortal Soldiers


The C R O N O I S

Now, this isn't the clearest description, but it'll be explained in the upcoming chapters.

So, until I return, ahoj!



_Depression -> RE: Author's Fantasy [Comments] (8/5/2008 14:26:02)

Ahoj!

Live from Prague, CZ, it's me!!

I was afraid I wouldn't get an internet reception while I was away, and so I said I would be completely gone for the entire time. But look! I found an unprotected wi-fi connection, and made it through!

Anyway, let me fill you all in on a huge secret: The sunrise looks even more beautiful from above the clouds.

=) That picture... I took it at about 1 AM, EST. I was flying over the Atlantic at the time, headed to Amsterdam. And let me tell you, no single camera can capture the beauty of what I saw. Aria would've loved it.

In A'dam, besides visiting the infamous Red Light District and the Anne Frank house, I stopped by 'Dam Square and found, to my surprise, Darth Vader.

So, after I finish uploading the rest of my pictures from yesterday and today, when I was traversing through Prague, I'll see if there are any worthy of sharing.


In other news, I've finished chapters 20 AND 21 of Author's Fantasy (Angel: The Beautiful Outcast has not been so kind, chapter 6 is still in production). So, without further ado, chapter 20. Enjoy!

Na shledanou! (Goodbye!)



Firefly -> RE: Author's Fantasy [Comments] (8/5/2008 16:56:50)

Read chapter 20. I take first reading rights after being behind. =P

As always, I enjoyed your dialogue a lot. The play off the characters is very nice. Also, nice twist. But I've got more than just compliments to give you. =P

Firstly, the opening. While I like the generalness of it and how it's different, there's one thing about it I really and bugged by. The use of the word "was" or "to be" Instead of "weapons were clashing" how about "weapons clashed"? The latter is much stronger and active, making it more interesting.

The fight scene... Hmm, you implied battle more than specified. Being the kind of writer I am, that really doesn't appeal to me. Instead of "She threw fireballs at him and he dodged" maybe "Flames ignited on her fingertips before shooting towards him. He dodged to the side, pressing himself against the wall. Raising his rifle..." Blah, blah, blah. You get the point. Detail > implication. But that's just me, being an action writer.

Also, watch out for character inconsistencies. The two spies... One moment they're saying "no, we'll get caught" and the next they're like "Oh, we can get the info easily." That causes the characterization to look shallow and plot-manipulated, which isn't good.

Lastly, description. We've been over this. Describe more. I wanna smell the tunnel, feel its texture, see the impenetrable darkness of it, ect.

So, yeah, that's all I have to say. Good job overall with the suspense and the dialogue. Work more on the above things.



mastin2 -> RE: Author's Fantasy [Comments] (8/5/2008 19:08:31)

GRAH! An update sometime during the weekend, Saturday-Monday! I HATE IT WHEN PEOPLE DO THAT! *Frowny Face*

I mean, really, I've now seen it happen at least five times. It's like you people enjoy watching me suffer and release it on the weekends JUST to annoy me! Wait a second...

I'm onto you...

:P



Well, anyway, I came, I read, and I'm about to critique you.



quote:

Chapter 20—“Praise the Lord, and Pass the Ammunition”
Word, I see. You did this entire chapter in word, I assume. However, I'm looking at all the above chapters. ALL of them use --"", not —“”. You should fix these up. Yes, for once, I am actually telling someone to convert it into forum version, instead of MW version! Honestly, it looks better. Oh, and, yea, just to make this critique look bigger, while it'll actually be rather small, I'm goin' to point out EVERY curve mark! (Yes, I AM pure evil!) :P

quote:

but upon hearing of the princess’ kidnapping the soldiers came in droves to the castle gates.
I'd put a comma after 'kidnapping'. Yes, you use plenty commas in this sentence already. And, yes, it's my slower flow. But 'tis my suggestion. Also, princess’ should be princess'.

quote:

By the dawn of Breeze’s fifth day missing
Breeze’s should be Breeze's.

quote:

organized day and night, every soldier aware that time was already against them.
The sentence, to me, sounds better when the comma is a semicolon.

quote:

the soldiers’ plate armor clacking
soldiers’ should be soldiers'

quote:

in the kingdom’s history, having created a compromise
kingdom’s should be kingdom's.

quote:

to meet with the princess’ advisors. Robina
(my spellcheck dislikes advisors, as it does seem unnatural to me, but I'm ignoring it.) princess’ should be princess'.

quote:

Unaffected by the princess’ orders, Aria
again, princess’ should be princess'.

quote:

and with little hesitation he delved into elemental techniques.
Meh, just for once, I'll say it the way that F^2 wants me to say it: My slower flow and I would put a comma after 'hesitation'.

quote:

and within twenty-four hours the boy had the basic understanding of the technique. For the next two days he perfected his accuracy
Again, me and my slow flow would put a comma after 'hours'. Also, this is something that I do not attribute to slower flow: a comma after 'days' seems appropriate for a prepositional phrase opening.

quote:

a mage’s best weapon.
mage’s should be mage's

quote:

with Kristen’s brother, Lance, and the
Kristen’s should be Kristen's

quote:

day since Breeze’s capture, Robina met
Breeze’s should be Breeze's

quote:

“I want you all to go ahead of the main army,” she said, meeting each person’s eyes as she sweeped the group. “I don’t want any of you to be heros, but I want to know that my sister is safe.”
all of the bolded areas need to be ".

quote:

“These two are allies who live in Cronois. They came as soon as they heard of Breeze’s capture, and have volunteered to help in her rescue.”
Bolded should be ", or '.

quote:

“What makes you believe them?”
Bolded need to be ".

quote:

“They are loyal to Aethon,” Robina said. “I know this for certain.”


quote:

“When do we leave?”


quote:

Again she met each person’s eyes, and with a sigh she said, “Right now. It’s been too long already. I don’t want to send you out so late, but I’m truly getting worried.”
I might put a comma after 'Again', to slow the flow down. But I'm not sure, so feel free to ignore that advice. Oh, and all bolded need to be " or '.

quote:

“It’s fine, princess,” Ryan said in the silence that followed. “We all understand.”

“Yeah,” Aria agreed. “Just, don’t let anyone else see that. You need to be strong, for Breeze’s sake.”
All bolded need to be either " or '.

quote:

“Princess?”
They need to be "".

quote:

“Ryan, I told you to call me-“

“Princess, why do you want me to go with the others? I’m not as strong, or as fast…”
Bolded need to be " or '. If, for any reason, you were to leave them as they are, then underlined ones are curved the wrong way.

quote:

“I have plenty of people in the army who are stronger and faster. I have plenty of men and women with more experience.” She slid her hand slowly to Ryan’s heart. “But no one loves my sister as much as you do. I have more faith in you than I have in Aria, Inyro, or anyone else I know.”

“How…?”
Bolded need to be " or '.

quote:

“If it wasn’t obvious enough, Aria’s been telling me every day that you and my sister are going to get married one day.”
Bolded need to be " or '.

quote:

“I know he loves her,” she said quietly, tears beginning to fall down her cheeks. “But part of me still hopes it isn’t true.”
Bolded need to be " or '.

quote:

“You two are late, so you get to carry the heavy stuff,”
Bolded need to be ".

quote:

and Ryan at one point knocked Kristen to the ground.
I'd put a comma after 'Ryan' and 'point'.



*Grumbles* I hate it when this happens--unfortunately, I cannot finish this critique yet. I probably could if I were to leave out the curve comments, but I'm too stubborn for that! :P

Me is back! :)



quote:

“That was hell,” he said. Turning to Kristen, he added, “Sorry, again.”
Bolded parts need to be ".

quote:

“I’m fine, Ryan. Really,” the werewolf said, smiling genuinely. “Don’t worry about it.”
Bolded parts need to be " or '.

quote:

“She’s a klutz on her own,” Lance called back to the boy. “She’s fallen so many times before, she’s not going to get hurt that easily.”
psst...we have absolutely no idea what Lance looks like at this point and time...
Oh, and bolded parts need to be " or '.

quote:

“Shut up, Lance,” Kristen said, grinning sheepishly at Ryan. “He’s lying,” she told him. “I’ve got great balance.”
(Personally, I was expecting her to fall over or something right around here.) Bolded parts need to be " or '.

quote:

and flashing of headlights drew the group’s attention to a pair of Ford Mustang
group’s should be group's.

quote:

“Anyone else have a driving license?”
Quotation marks need to be decurved into ".

quote:

“I have one, but I accidentally left it at home.”

“What?” Aria said, her mouth hanging. Shaking her head, she looked around desperately. “Anyone else?”
Psst...really predictable. The humor was expected. (Oh, and it's a good thing Ryan did have a license. If he didn't, then they wouldn't have had a second driver! If that was the case, then they'd need to go all the way back to the castle and find someone who did... :P)
Bolded parts need to be ".

quote:

“Maybe… if we don’t get caught, we could swing by my house and pick it up.”
TEH DRAMA ALERT! (As in, watch out! Possible conflict with parents...)
Bolded parts need to be " or '.

quote:

“We don’t have any other options. All right. You’ll follow me, but keep your headlights as dim as possible.”
Psst...Headlights have three settings--bright, dim, and off. There wouldn't really be the need to say this. It would be "but keep your headlights off when possible. If you need them, then leave them on dim." just to be technical on you...
Bolded parts need to be " or '.

quote:

and in the darkness Ryan was unable to tell if the hooded
I'd put a comma after 'darkness'.

quote:

and followed Aria’s GT onto a single-lane dirt road, lightly rutted
Aria’s should be Aria's.

quote:

Aria and Kristen walked up to him, and they waited quietly as lights were thrown on inside.
the comma there is unnecessary.

quote:

Ryan’s mother opened the door and, still tired, stared blankly at the three. “What?”
Bolded parts need to be ' or ".

quote:

“Mom, I need to get my wallet,” Ryan said quickly, and pushed past the half-asleep woman as he ran into the house. When he returned a minute later, he found Aria helping his mother to the dining room, walking her to the nearest chair. “You okay, Mom?”
The comma before 'and' is unnecessary. Either that, or remove the 'and' and change 'pushed' to 'pushing'. Oh, and bolded parts need to be ".

quote:

“It’s not… it can’t be… he’s not…”

“Mom? It’s me, Ryan.”
bolded parts need to be " or '.

quote:

“It’s no use, she’s too shocked to understand you. Let’s go.” She started toward the door, where Kristen was waiting, but turned when the boy did not follow her. “Ryan!” she hissed. “Now.”

“But my Mom-“

“She’ll be fine. Now come on!”
I'd make the first comma a semicolon. Oh, and bolded parts need to be " or '. If, for any reason, you keep 'em as they are, then underlined ones are curved the wrong way.

quote:

two had reached Maryland, and cruised through Washington, D.C without
The comma before 'and' is unnecessary.

quote:

She killed her car’s engine and stepped out,
car’s should be car's

quote:

“We’re going to do this now,” she said. “I can’t risk someone finding us.”

“What’s the plan, then?”
Bolded parts need to be " or '.

quote:

“We’re going to sneak in through a partially blocked passage, find out where the princess is, and get out.”

“And how are we going to find her?” one of the cloaked figures asked, her nervous voice muffled by her hood. “If we take information from someone, they’ll tell. And if we don’t we’ll wander aimlessly for days. Cronois is a labyrinth to anyone who doesn’t know it.”

“Good thing you two know it then, right?” Lance said, cracking his knuckles. “Where is this passage, anyway?”

“The sewers,”
I'd put a comma after "don't". Oh, and bolded parts need to be " or '.

quote:

as Aria turned on a flashlight from
And I half-expected torches... :P

quote:

“Nice to finally see who we’re working with,”
bolded parts need to be " or '.

quote:

“Any chance we’ll learn your names before this is over?”

“We only wore so much to keep ourselves safe from any scouts,” the woman said, frowning. “We wouldn’t have been able to help you kids if they identified us.”
Psst...this, to me, translates to _Depression is too lazy to give them names. :P
Bolded parts need to be " or '.

quote:

“I’ll admit, I wanted to take that garb off a few times. But then, I’m sure this old hag was thinking the same thing.”

“Who’re you calling an old hag, you gnarled badger?”
Bolded parts need to be " or '.

quote:

“You remind me of-“

“Archie?” the man asked, and the boy nodded. “I knew my Dad still had that fight in him.”

“Your father-in-law, you selfish sneak. He’s my father.”

“Oh, what’s the difference? Anyway, Ryan, who does he do the fighting with now?”

“Robina,” the boy said, and nearly broke out laughing at the shock on the couple’s face. “They’ve gotten pretty good at it, too.”
Bolded parts need to be " or '. Also, if you--for any reason--choose to keep it the same, the underlined parts are curved the wrong way...

quote:

“Your father’s been fighting with the princess! I knew that man was going senile.”

“Oh, what happened to him being your father, Randall? All of a sudden you want nothing to do with him. You brown-nosing –“

“Oh, shut up,” Aria said, cutting off the woman. “We have more inportant matters.”

Inyro laughed sharply. “Yeah, like where a video camera is when you need one. That was priceless.”

“Enough, all of you,” Lance said. “Let’s hear what the redhead has to say.”
ROFL! Now, to critique--'inportant' isn't a word. It should be 'important'. Bolded parts need to be " or '. Should you choose, for whatever reason, to keep them the same, underlined parts are curved the wrong way.

quote:

“The entrance is down that tunnel to the left,” she said, pointing as she spoke. “We need to get in, get someone to tell us where the princess is, and get out. Now, Randall, umm-“

“Sally.”

“-Sally, can you two get that information without drawing attention?”
Ah; their names are revealed. (Well, one was earlier...) You had me worried for a short while there! :P
Bolded parts need to be " or '. In the unlikely scenario that you keep them the same, underlined ones are curved the wrong way.

quote:

“We’ll come back as soon as we know where she is,”
AKA, when they set off the alarm. :P
Bolded parts need to be " or '.

quote:

“I don’t know what’s going to happen inside,” she said. “We need to be ready for anything.”
Bolded parts need to be " or '.

quote:

Ryan’s direction. “Good evening,” he said darkly. “What brings you five out so late?”
...I was...right? (I'd call that setting of the alarm...) O_O wow.
Bolded parts need to be " or '.

spoiler:

“G- Greg?”

“My god, nothing gets by you, does it?”


Psst...this was kinda predictable. His reaction to what Ryan had written was similar to Aria's. He knew the truth from the start. I thought that you'd somehow manage to work him into the story later on...and being an enemy would be the perfect way to do it. It made sense. Since Aria's reaction to Ryan's writing (truck scene and beyond), I had predicted this.

As for the critique...
Bolded parts need to be ".

spoiler:

Ryan’s head. “How’ve you been?”

“Greg, what’re you doing here? I thought-“

“You don’t do much thinking, so don’t strain yourself. Just because I’m going to kill you, I’ll do the last bits of thinking for you. Yes, I’m a subject of Cronois. Actually, I’m the best killer in the whole kingdom. So when you told me you met the white-haired brat’s partner, I decided to follow you a little more closely. You led me right to her, you idiot.”
I'm not using quotes anymore because...well, it is kinda uber-spoiler-plot-twistyness, so...yea.
Bolded parts need to be " or '.

quote:

“You’re dead!”
Ah, I love hearing that line. 'Tis a good sign that a person is REALLY angry at a person and really, really will kill them, or be interrupted. (Someone else kills him/her, a friend prevents the person from killing him/her, or the person is killed, to name some of the main intrusions.)
Bolded parts need to be " or '.

quote:

as the gunman’s actions became clear.
gunman’s should be gunman's.

spoiler:

through Greg’s handgun, running through


Greg’s should be Greg's
Yes, unfortunately, that little thing I consider a major spoiler. Not by itself, but what is contained within is a large hint...

spoiler:

“You kidnapped Breeze,” the boy said softly, another bolt striking the shooter’s forehead. “You killed Blaine, and Randall, and Sally.”

“I would’ve killed that princess, too. But the prince wants her for himself. He can have her.”



Not much spoiler stuff in here, mostly from earlier chapters. The only thing that makes this a spoiler would be killing Randall and Sally.

Bolded parts need to be " or '.

quote:

“I hope she’s being tortured right now. I hope she cries for help, that bi-“
Bolded parts need to be " or '. In the inconceivable chance that you choose to keep it as it is, (I've got a hundred ways to say that, you know.) underlined parts are curved the wrong way.

quote:

Fire engulfed the gunman’s body, and he let out a piercing scream as his body burned.
gunman’s should be gunman's. Also, the comma before 'and' is unnecessary.

quote:

“Never say that about my princess.”
The quotations need to be uncurved. (Decurved, uncurved, same thing. Neither one is a real word anyway, so I can use them interchangeably! :P)

spoiler:

“Ryan’s run on ahead. Kristen- wouldn’t listen to us, and she followed him.”

Exhaling deeply, Aria shook her head. “I can’t go on right now. I’m too tired. I just hope the army gets here soon.”

“What about Ryan and Kristen?” Lance asked, worried.

“They’re giving us away. There’s nothing we can do now, except pray that they either rescue Breeze, or survive long enough for the army to rescue them.”

Inyro fell to his knees next to Aria, sighing loudly. “At least you’re still alive, Goddess.”

“I’d rather Ryan be alive.” The Goddess of Lights smiled. “He’s got the potential to be a king.”

“Or,” Lance said, leaning against the wall of the sewer, “a conqueror.”


Nah, nothing seriously a spoiler in there, but just felt like doin' that. :P
Underlined part--I hope he's got a spare shirt...

Bolded parts need to be " or '.



Well, as you can tell, I finished! Great chapter as usual and...umm...well, F^2 pretty much nailed the general stuff you could do better. :)

-Mastin



_Depression -> RE: Author's Fantasy [Comments] (8/6/2008 11:16:54)

Yay for comments!

Firefly (I'm eventually going to come up with something shorter to call you...):

- I wanted to keep the opening fairly passive and pulled back. If this was a movie, from the time Chapter 19 ends (Ryan saying, "Now, what can I do to help?" to the meeting in Robina's monitoring center), the scenes would be almost a montage of fly-overs and wide-scale shots. I know it doesn't translate that well onto paper, but I wanted to keep it as close to my cinematic intentions as possible.
- D= In all the traveling I've been doing, I forgot to go back and fix that fight scene... I wrote that part as a 'rough draft' almost, I really meant for it to sound better. Gah, I'll fix it up when I get home.
- Hmm... I don't think I ever made the spies to be unconfident in their ability to get the information... I meant for them to be cautious but confident, that they knew they could get the information...
- That whole sewer scene needs to be redone, I think. xD


mastin2:

- Hey, if you want me to release these chapters in a timely manner, stop hating on the 'Word. It's all I've got, lol, my Mom's Macbook doesn't have Wordpad, and I hate TextEdit. And Chapter 21 is also written in Word, so you'll have more of that. Just, when I release it, can you not mention all the curved " and '? It made it a little tiring to find all the real critiques...
- All these predictable things you find... if you'd mentioned them earlier, I would've been impressed. And, don't think that enemy was a predictable character, I only decided on the identity as I was writing Chapter 16. (that'll be our little secret)
- Lance hasn't needed to be described yet, so he has not. He is still an enigma, as he very well should be.
- I know about headlights (my driver's ed instructor went over them EVERY SESSION). But phrasing it "as dim as possible" sounded a little more expressive of Aria's caution. =)


Yay for internet in Prague! Na skledanou!



Dantmotckc -> RE: Author's Fantasy [Comments] (8/6/2008 23:22:49)

quote:

Firstly, the opening. While I like the generalness of it and how it's different, there's one thing about it I really and bugged by. The use of the word "was" or "to be" Instead of "weapons were clashing" how about "weapons clashed"? The latter is much stronger and active, making it more interesting.

The fight scene... Hmm, you implied battle more than specified. Being the kind of writer I am, that really doesn't appeal to me. Instead of "She threw fireballs at him and he dodged" maybe "Flames ignited on her fingertips before shooting towards him. He dodged to the side, pressing himself against the wall. Raising his rifle..." Blah, blah, blah. You get the point. Detail > implication. But that's just me, being an action writer.

Lastly, description. We've been over this. Describe more. I wanna smell the tunnel, feel its texture, see the impenetrable darkness of it, ect.


I agree with all of that.

I guess I should spoiler tag this:
spoiler:

I did think Greg's part was kinda...brief, though. I didn't expect him to (apparently) get killed in his re-introduction.


hope you've been having fun on your trip!



mastin2 -> RE: Author's Fantasy [Comments] (8/7/2008 23:57:43)

Agreed on Dantmotckc's spoiler.
spoiler:

While I had predicted him coming back, I though he'd probably get most of a chapter, at least, before being killed. I mean, really, the drama of the revelation would've been greater. I was actually kinda disappointed when he died so soon.


That enemy wasn't predictable? You only decided that late? Wow. I honestly thought that it was sooooo obvious that you'd probably decided on it back in...
spoiler:

Chapter 3-5.


And, meh, I gave up on giving predictions before the chapter where they prove true/false.
-They're often sooooo crazy that people LAUGH at how off they are.
-If the writer hasn't actually decided (I can name two examples), I can actually influence the flow of the story! (They could steer the story in the opposite direction of my prediction, just to make it wrong/they could take my suggestion, to name the two possible influences.)
-I have too many things already to think about. Really, I'm critiquing too many stories already. So when I think of a theory, I push it aside. And don't post it. And about half of the time, I forget I made the prediction...until it is proved true/false. At which point I remember it and post my thoughts on it.
-Some authors can actually get angry at theories.


So, yea, not gonna see many predictions from me.



_Depression -> RE: Author's Fantasy [Comments] (8/11/2008 16:38:02)

*sigh* Dan, your caution amuses me. 'apparently get killed'? He's either dead, or alive. And even if he's dead (as we've learned from Chapter 18) it doesn't mean he's dead.

=)

And now... drumroll please...


Chapter 21! I had a hard time wording part of this chapter the way I wanted to, you'll know the part when you read it, and I'm still not completely satisfied... but my pre-reader loved it, so I'm releasing it as-is. When I actually get better at writing, you'll see that part rewritten.

Enjoy, and don't hesitate to share your thoughts!



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