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mastin2 -> RE: Author's Fantasy [Comments] (8/15/2008 1:25:47)
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(psst...quote:
[soze=2] I think you see what's wrong there...)
Wow. Amazing. Reading now. Expect a HUGE comment on this! Maybe not critique, since you have improved greatly, but definitely comments! :)
spoiler:
Two thousand, thirty-six men and women arrived in Florida by means of eight hundred airplane tickets, seven hundred train tickets, five double-decker tour buses, and a small fleet of personal watercraft. Robina herself rode in the passenger seat of an electric-blue Chevy Camaro, Sarah at the wheel following the line of tour buses that housed a small portion of Aethon’s Royal Army. Ha, ha...and I thought I would have to ASK how the army was going to get to Cronois! :P
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to the battle above ground, I can’t even imagine how long it would take in that maze.” I'd make the comma a semicolon.
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He wasn’t a fighter, he was an assassin Again, I'd make that comma a semicolon. Jut my preference, though...
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I can’t stay here much longer, the five on my left have too Yea, my opinion strikes again; I'd make the comma a semicolon.
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His heart pounding as the brightly lit obelisk room grew near, he let out a hearty battlecry and I'd make the comma either a semicolon or a period.
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When the enemy guns ran out of ammo he dropped them, drawing his handguns and leaping I'd put a comma after 'ammo'.
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ejected an empty ammunitions cartridge from her handgun, and the sound of the metal container hitting the stone floor shattered the quiet, sparking both sides The pause at the 'and' seems a little...well, unnecessary. I recommend removing the 'and' and making that comma a semicolon. An alternative would be dropping the comma right there.
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“The left one not as much, but the two on the right have been-“ if you keep the curve, then the end is curved the wrong way.
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And hurry, she’s cold. I'd make the comma a semicolon...
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In an instant he was gone, his lupine speed I might put a comma after 'instant'.
spoiler:
OMG! TEH PLOT TWIST!!! Lance...'traitor' to Aethon...his tribe was supposedly allied to them. But...we can't be sure about that. His werewolf tribe's allies were allied to Cronois, no? Who's to say that their tribe wasn't secretly as well? But, at the very least, Lance is definitely allied to Cronois, because of this line: "and knowledge of the Cronois passageways".
...And Ryan is half-dead at this point. Ha, hah...but we all know Ryan isn't dead--the Primary Protagonist of a Story can't be PERMANENTLY killed off 'til near the very END of the story! :P
Gaia at the castle...being killed. That's interesting. There's hardly any major characters left at the castle. And targeting Gaia...wow. That truly is interesting. Theoretically, it could be a test to see if she survives, but the more probably assumption...an assassin/traitor. Right now, her being attacked makes little sense. For one thing, only a few people know that she's who she is. That's an amazing twist, there, Dep! I can say that I am truly mystified at that--who could do it? Why are they doing it? Stuff like that. I have a few theories, but I'd rather not say them.
Reading ahead, though...Ah, now it makes sense. You threw me off, there. GOOD JOB! :)
Okay, I'll leave my comments. The end of Part One seems like a good place to leave comments, instead of at the end of the beginning of Part two.
For one thing, look at the spoiler.
I am truly amazed at the twists you put in there near the end. I can say they were truly unexpected. I could not have seen them coming. The story is great. I am liking it! The mystery...the increasingly high level of action...the drama...it is simply amazing! You have quite some talent! :) The only thing I've noticed...of course, as the story gets more tragic in nature, it becomes more serious...which means less humor. :(
Oh, well...it's still great!
-Mastin
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