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mastin2 -> RE: Author's Fantasy [Comments] (11/26/2008 23:07:22)
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Yay!
*reads*
(Heh, the nomination was nothing)
(Also note-My computer came back, and theoretically is working. When it gets hooked up again, messenger should be working. :D)
By the way, rereading chapter twenty-five to catch up...I see errors there that are...well, things that are obvious. Probably things that would get pointed out twenty times if not corrected, things that I've noticed as well. :/
I think I pointed them out already, but if I didn't post any opinions in chapter twenty-five, then I--of course--didn't.
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figure fall to the hard, stone ground, the roughly-cut, cave-like brownstone walls echoing her sobs through the crisp, chilly air. ...You know, there is such a thing as too much description. As in it will overload any mind that is distracted. At the moment, I am a little distracted, I admit, and it took several reads to understand.
spoiler:
Is it just me...or did Aria just replace Breeze in the role of 'damsel-who-is-normally-powerful-suddenly-in-distress'?
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When he stopped his flurry of fists and claws he froze, confused by the grin on his enemy's face. Yea, I actually recommend adding a comma after 'claws'. Slower flow strikes again.
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Aria lunged forward, slicing at the enemy's neck with her knife and stabbing out at his heart as he stumbled away from the attack. So, was it a lunge, or a slash? In my experience, this was a little confusing. A lunge forward, a slash at the neck, and a stab at the heart, is it? *is unsure*
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ignoring the fact that nearly a ten minutes ago Ha! I found a typo. It's getting harder and harder to do with ya, you know. 'nearly a' is repetidive, and is something definitely to be considered a typo. I recommend dropping the 'a'. ;)
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hasn't figured it out, and he hasn't changed either." slower flow tells me to put a comma after 'changed'.
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Suna laughed blandly, turning her eyes to her feet. "Master would never allow that. Not even if the Goddess of Lights told him to do it herself."
"So then, maybe she'll find you a way out of this place. So you can find your family, and a better name." two enter/returns instead of one, there, something which needs correcting. ;)
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