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mastin2 -> RE: Author's Fantasy [Comments] (6/28/2010 2:19:17)
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Has it...really been over a year? (Well, yes.)
...Year and a half?!? (Not quite, but getting there.)
Dang. I've had a pretty messed up life, to say the least (on the bright side, at least I finally have finished a novel [:D]), so sorry for having been gone for so long. As it so happens, right now, I'm on vacation. (A vacation which ends in two days, so I don't have a lot of time.) Meaning, a lot more time to kill than normal. ;) (In other words, as much as I want to, I can't make this a regular thing--it's only for a couple of days, and then, back to my normal life.)
Anyway, I thought I'd spend the time critiquing some old friends, and this was one of the first names that came up. (I also have the comment threads for Fighting with Candy and Angels of Night open, in case I want to start a critique there as well. Not now, though. Before half my IE windows crashed on me, I had nearly a dozen different writers' comment threads open, and I want to get to more of them. ;))
(A warning, though--I'm over a year out of practice, so don't expect anything of high quality.)
I believe I left off at chapter 27. (My last critique was of 26, also the last chapter I remember reading.)
However, first, I need to catch up on the comment thread itself. (Kinda important.)
For starters, yea, when you do take it offline, I’d love to have a copy. (In fact, in some ways, that makes it easier to critique. For example, if it were e-mailed to me, then I could access it any time I go to my e-mail, instead of any time when I come on here. [PM’s, not possible right now. Last time I was here, I still had half my inbox available, at something like 250/400. Now? Not so much; it’s full. I’d love to clean it out, but don’t have the capability to do so on vacation.])
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...I wonder where mastin went, he was always so quick to attack my new chapters, lol. I kinda miss it... No kiddin'. I miss it, too, but real life is real life. :/
Don't worry, though—now I'm doing a three-in-one! :P
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GESWUT
THERE'S AN UPDATE IN THE AUTHOR'S FANTASY UNIVERSE. SEE THE OUTTAKES THREAD!!!!!!!!! Dang it, I was supposed to have that messenger conversation with ya over a year ago about a new outtake. But stuff happens (Computer getting so bad that the hard-drive had to be wiped…twice…and it still didn’t work, new computer not having YIM, and by the time Yahoo built Messenger into Mail [Yay!], having RL stuff come up so I couldn’t plan with you…)
Anyway, now that I’ve caught up comments-wise (well, other than reading the spoiler), I’m going to try and critique.
Here goes nothing…
(On a side-note, I just realized something rather annoying--this computer doesn't have Firefox, meaning...nope, no spellcheck. <_<)
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She marked the ground in front of her with her knife, creating a tally board for her information.
I dunno about you, but if I wanted to imprison someone, the LAST thing I would do is let them keep something like a knife. Heck, with someone like Aria, even if that's a KITCHEN knife, it'd still be dangerous. :P
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She knew that there were always guards patrolling outside her cell, that was marked down as a negative; she also knew she could fight and defeat the werewolves, even if they attacked her in their lupine forms, and that was a positive. Slight note on this is that 1: This sentence (or two, if you consider the semicolon starting a new sentence) is a bit of a mouthful to me. Particularly the second half; to confirm, I actually said it out loud (starting with a fresh breath), and was nearly out of air by the end.
2: I got the message eventually, but it was a bit confusing at first. (My first thought was that she marked down guards patrolling outside her cell, then I thought guards marked on a drawing of some sort...yea.)
For starters, let's make it less of a mouthfull. The first 'that' isn't really necessary.
"She knew that there were"
"She knew there were"
--See any difference? I do--one less word to say. Other than that, nothing.
My next suggestion would be to turn the comma into a semicolon and to end the sentence at the old semicolon.
"guards patrolling outside her cell; that was marked down as a negative"
--You don't even have to make any change to the first words of after the semicolon, either, other than capping the s in 'She'.
And, with that, the only modification needed for the second sentence would be turning the last comma into a semicolon and removing the 'and'
"She also knew she could fight and defeat the werewolves, even if they attacked her in their lupine forms; that was a positive."
I dunno about you, but at least for me, that's easier to say.
It also continues into the next sentence.
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However, she was unsure how many werewolves there were, and had no knowledge of the facility's layout due to her being brought from room to room in her sleep until she had awoken in her cell and been left there. I couldn't do it all in one breath (I had to take a breath at the second comma), not to mention, it felt rather unnatural on my tongue. (Small tongue twister around the 'being brought' which lasted until 'been left' for me. I got over it the next try, but that was mostly due to having adjusted.)
My suggestion on how to fix it: Stop the sentence at 'layout'--at least briefly. Have some sort of pause. It feels like there SHOULD be something stopping the sentence right there, but it also feels like it should continue on. (I hate it when that happens, don't you?)
Now, in that situation, I'd personally use the "--"
As in,
1: "had no knowledge of the facility's layout--due to her" (mostly keeping the sentence as is, but it feels a little off)
or
2: "had no knowledge of the facility's layout--she had been brought from room to room in her sleep, after all "
Or something like that. (I dunno.)
Also possible is a colon, maybe even a semicolon; whatever feels natural. I think a break there would help improve the flow.
Ahg, I'm having trouble thinking of more ways to help with this sentence. (I hate it when no matter how much I try, whatever wording I choose for something seems...off. Ah, the joys of being a writer... :P)
Ah, well. I might get back to it later. (Moving on...)
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Not only was she the Goddess of Lights, which might garner her some support, or at least some element of surprise, but she also had Suna, who knew the facility to some degree. Another one. I thought this sentence was going to be fine. When I reached the "or", I began to doubt. When I reached the "but", I dreaded it dragging on at the "who" and was someone surprised to see it end then instead of going on further. (Sorry about my critique tone. It sounds too negative for my comfort level, right now.)
I think the best way to fix the drag here is to drop the "Not only...but also" of this sentence.
"She was the Goddess of Lights, which might garner her some support--or at least some element of surprise." (The "--" can be replaced with a comma. This is just the way I'd break it up.)
"She had Suna, who knew the facility to some degree."
It flows better, but I dunno. It might be good to have some sort of lead-in from the previous sentence (the "Not only...but also" does that right now), but as it is right now, it feels like a long sentence.
Ahg, I wish I wasn't so out of practice! >_>
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She knew Matthias would chase her, and knew he expected her to run. Ha, ha. Funny note about that name is that it brings back memories. (Not a critique, but something I found amusing.) The novel (I believe I still have the short story original version on L&L somewhere) I just finished's main character was originally called Matthias (or Mathias; I forget if it was one or two "t"s), but I thought that name didn't sound human enough so I had to choose a more mundane-sounding name. And in your story, guess what? Definitely not a human. :P
(Also, while we're on side-notes, I find it extremely...unusual...to have been away from a story for over a year...and then come back. Some things, I remember, and I have to check to make sure I'm not remembering them wrong. [Memory is an evil backstabber--it LIES...A LOT! :P] And some comments confuse me for brief miliseconds...and then it all comes rushing back to me. What characters are who, remembering everything about them, stuff like that, and doing it so well, despite the very long time since I've read, having only a few words jog my memory.)
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Another voice, this one not as deep as the first, and with a distinct British accent. Another voice what?
"Another voice spoke up", I would presume.
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"It's a nice story, though. Good fantasy." *Thinks about the title* *thinks about the beginning with Ryan* *thinks of the comment, and then of the title again*
Hmm...
Was that an intentional reminder? Or, you know, just a coincidence?
(The ending lines of the chapter make me kinda lean towards the former.)
(Side-note: Ahg, the Twilight Saga ruins your mind. Transforming to prove the story, reminder of a certain moment in the last book involving Jacob in the third part...)
Anyway, that's all I found in chapter 27. On to 28! :)
(Side-note: I just remembered the hr tag. It's been over a year since I've used it.)
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Inyro ran at the side of the small shack, remembering Eric's instructions to him as he threw himself at the brick siding, pushing against the wall with his feet and reaching up to grab the edge of the roof. Yup, ran out of breath on this one. (Might just be the fact that I have a cold.)
I like it as a chapter opener. It's a very good sentence. But it's a bit of a mouthful. I think it's something you might want to consider, but I'd personally leave it as is. (At least, for now.) It's not that bad (especially with commas), and I kinda like it. But still, something which might need to be pointed out.
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pushing against the wall with his feet and reaching up to grab the edge of the roof. The moment he felt his fingers land on the horizontal surface of the roof, he snapped both feet against the wall and regripped with his hands, making sure he had enough traction against the wall before pulling himself up and onto the roof. Note the number of "roof"s so close together. If you can think of a synonym, you might want to use it. Either that, or space out the use of the word.
Also, note the second sentence. It's similar to the first--not something I'd necessarily change, but definitely something to at least consider taking a look at.
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"There's no way to get out without going through Matthias. "out without" is a bit too repetitive for my liking. Can't use "escape", either, because that was used recently as well. Maybe "leave"? "no way to leave without". I dunno.
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Ryan sat dejected in his bedroom, staring at the plate of half-eated buttered "eated"? Sure that "d"'s not supposed to be an "n"? (eaten)
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Ryan sat dejected in his bedroom, staring at the plate of half-eated buttered bread and microwaved sausage that sat on his floor, and dropped his head into his hands as he heard Breeze, in the hallway, calling her goodbyes to Sarah, Ewan, Gaia, and Robina. Well, for one thing, this is a rather long sentence. Another thing which is bugging me is the multiple "and"s in there. Two, sure, sometimes. Three? Seems a bit much.
Simple solution: break it into multiple sentences, at the "his floor". Add a period, drop the "and", add "He" or "Ryan" in front of "dropped, and you've got a sentence of a somewhat shorter length.
"Ryan sat dejected in his bedroom, staring at the plate of half-eated buttered bread and microwaved sausage that sat on his floor. (He/Ryan) dropped his head into his hands as he heard Breeze, in the hallway, calling her goodbyes to Sarah, Ewan, Gaia, and Robina."
--Not a perfect fix (If you go with 'Ryan', there's a repetition, as you just said his name the previous sentence. If you go with 'he', then there's a repetition in that sentence). To me, it flows better, but it's really a minor thing, so like the previous cases of this, it's probably a good idea to get a second opinion about the lengths of the sentences. I mean, I'm just me. To me, shorter sentences tend to be better. (Well, now, anyway. I've completely forgotten if that's how I was over a year ago.)
spoiler:
"We were taught personally by Master Matthias, the man who keeps Sky's daughter as a trophy. A girl like you... you'll be begging for your life before you can call out for help." Probably shoulda seen that coming. (Maybe if I'm lucky, I can pin the blame on having missed it as being away for over a year... :P )
Anyway, finished 28. (Funny, how the further into the chapter I go, the less I find. Maybe it's just action scenes? I'm terrible at finding things when I'm caught up in the moment. :P)
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Breeze watched her opponent closely as she advanced, looking for the slightest twitch to give away his- There. Not a criticism, but rather, a compliment. I like how the thought was cut off.
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Crossing her arms, Sarah looked over to Robina, who seemed just as concerned. "Well, it damn sure looks like something," she muttered, as the princess motioned to let her talk to him.
Robina waited Hmm...odd. When I look at this on the screen, it looks like there's one too many line breaks in there; three instead of two. But when I quote, it seems like the normal two. (Blasted extra-wide monitor I'm using really makes this kind of thing hard for me to determine. For example, a paragraph could be very long, and for all I know, it'll look like only three lines or so.)
Anyway, that's it. Through Chapter 29. *sigh*
--Not nearly as much to point out as I would've liked, and what I did point out was mostly opinion. Ah, well. I tried. Anyway, I look forward to (eventually) reading 30. [:D]
-Mastin.
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