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Coyote -> RE: The DracoWolf Times: Other Literature And Musings (6/27/2008 0:48:11)
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The BTN Musical
Mar. 10 - Sep. 12, 2006
This is what got me some level of fame in the now virtually unheard-of organization known as BTN (Battleon Town News). People tell me it's hilarious. So read! It'll be a good waste of the next half an hour (or more). A good waste. Not a bad waste. =D
EDIT: This work will remain my sole connection to BTN. I've about had it with the trolling and the anti-AQ attitude (and they kicked me out, anyways, for not breaking the rules for them). Any allegiance, loyalty, or what have you now that I ever had to BTN is severed. Good riddance.
Act I - Opening
Scene 1 - That's why we're BTN
[Singing]
GOROBEI:
I'll bet you're wondering who we are...
ALL:
We're not the brightest in the neighborhood,
Stupidity is our style.
I'll tell ya something you misunderstood
That's why we're BTN.
You give me a dollar, I'll give ya twenty-five
We aren't the ones to care.
Read one of our stories and you're lucky to survive
That's why we're BTN.
VERSILARYAN:
We're the ones who'd give you a buck
If you only gave us a dime.
We'll beat you down 'till you've given up luck
We'll get you runnin' away...
ALL:
We're not the brightest in the neighborhood,
Stupidity is our style.
I'll tell ya something you misunderstood
That's why we're BTN.
GORO:
Who are we?
ALL:
That's why we're BTN.
GORO:
Shout it louder!
ALL:
That's why we're BTN.
GORO:
Sing it proud!
ALL:
That's why we're BTN.
GORO:
Pass the pie.
ALL:
That's why we're BTN.
Scene 2 - Institution of Craziology
(Lights dim. Stage is cleared but VERSILARYAN remains. Lights up on VERSILARYAN, who walks slowly across the stage as she talks.)
VERSILARYAN:
I'll bet you're still wondering who we are. Well, we're BTN. We're not the smartest in the bunch.
(Lights up on GORO and SHADOW, who charge blindly at each other before knocking heads and falling over. Large packets of sugar go flying everywhere.)
I'll admit, we aren't exactly sane either.
(Lights up on HILT and MADOLYN. HILT is lighting a very long fuse that leads to an enormous stick of dynamite while MADOLYN is giggling profusely.)
But we are a community and that's what matters.
(TAZ runs onstage screaming a battlecry and wielding a loaf of Battle Bread.)
TAZ:
BRRREEEEAAADDDSSSTTTIIICCCKKKSSS!!! (TAZ attempts to take a bite out of VERSILARYAN, who dodges and runs offstage. Lights dim as TAZ chases her. Lights up on TRL.)
VERSILARYAN: [Offstage]
But we would have the time of our lives ever since...
TRL:
Singing, dancing, happiness, and absolutely NO BOOZE. What is this, a musical!? What the hell are you doing? You there, ANSWER ME!
(GORO and SHADOW get up off the floor. SHADOW runs offstage.)
GORO:
Singing, dancing, and being happy with absolutely no booze?
TRL:
Imbecile! (TRL strikes GORO, backhand across the face.) YOU'RE TELLING ME THAT THIS--
(TRL is cut off by TAZ, who rushes onstage screaming a battlecry)
TAZ:
BBBRRREEEAAADDDSSSTTTIIICCCKKKSSS!!!!! (TAZ tackles TRL and tries to take a bite out of him. Lights dim. Lights up on VERSILARYAN, who walks over to the tumbling, cussing mess that is TRL and TAZ.)
VERSILARYAN:
People, can we please settle this in a civilized fashion--
(Enormous boom as the blackened HILT and MADOLYN rush offstage, giggling. TRL and TAZ, also blackened by the explosion, trudge offstage.)
And that's why we're BTN.
(Lights dim.)
Writer's Notes: Just to let you all know, this isn't the choppy Family-Guy style cutting. In fact, there's no cutting at all. The events happen behind Versilaryan as she walks around idly onstage. There are two or three spotlights; one focused on Versy, the other one/two focused on the events-to-transpire.
Scene 3 - Intermission
VERSILARYAN: [Offstage; lights are still out]
You know, I never really minded the stupidity or the insanity. They're all okay people once you get to know them. That is, get past about fifty thousand layers of stupidity and craziness and you've got pretty decent people to talk to. So life went on as it usually did. I accompanied people in their far-fetched adventures and fast-paced news reports. A few went out of hand. A few started wars here and there. Folks were croaking.
Then again, so were the frogs.
Scene 4 - Just another day down at the office...
(Lone trumpeter plays a bugle call. The lights fade in gradually, as if the sun peeking over the horizon. The bugle player. JINWOOPANG, trudges back into his bedroom and slams the door shut. The trumpet is heard hitting the ground. REIKI and BESTHEDESAR walk out of their respective rooms. Neither seem to be a morning person.)
BESTHEDESAR:
'Sup.
REIKI:
G'morning.
BESTHEDESAR:
More like good night. God, why'd they have to hire a bugle player?
REIKI:
To get us up in the morning. I heard that Goro's sleep record was three days.
(OWIE skips onstage. He seems happy and cheerful.)
OWIE:
Sleeping Beauty slept for a hundred years!
REIKI:
And what does that have to do with our conversation?
OWIE:
NOTHING!!! (Owie smiles as dramatically as one can possibly achieve)
BESTHEDESAR:
Let's leave. I hear Taz coming up the stairs.
(BESTHEDESAR, REIKI, and OWIE walk offstage. JOSH walks out of his room and shuts the door. He doesn't seem too happy about getting up either. He takes a basket of breadsticks and leaves them in a trail leading towards a battered door labeled "MESS HALL". Soon, TAZ walks onstage and starts following the breadstick trail, eating it as she goes along. Right after the door shuts behind TAZ, VERSILARYAN walks out of her room dragging a sleeping JINWOOPANG to the mess hall.)
VERSILARYAN:
(muttering) ...Loathsome, lazy, stupid...
(VERSILARYAN drags JINWOOPANG into the mess hall. Lights brighten dramatically and distant bells toll twelve. Lights dim. Lights up on the doorway, and then the crowd of people that enter through it. VERSILARYAN, JINWOOPANG, GORO, TCN, MADOLYN, JOSH, TRL, DD, BESTHEDESAR, HILT, TAZ, SBD, OWIE, SERIYU, and REIKI walk onstage through the door.)
PEDRO:
What'll it be?
ALL (but PEDRO):
Nothing.
PEDRO:
Would you like that small, medium, large, or oversize?
(There is a chorus of different answers.)
Coming right up.
JOSH:
God, if only this guy could actually cook...
BESTHEDESAR:
Taz seems to be content with his breadsticks, though.
JOSH:
Taz is content eating anything that isn't nailed down or moving. Sometimes otherwise. She doesn't count.
(JINWOOPANG walks over towards TAZ to get to his seat. TAZ snarls, hisses, and guards her breadsticks protectively as he passes.)
PEDRO:
Orders number one through sixty-five are ready!
TRL:
Who the hell ordered more than one meal?
(TAZ rushes up to the counter, picks up fifty empty trays, and rushes back to her seat. Bits of nothing splatter everywhere as the trays seem to go haywire.)
...The HELL???
OWIE:
Exactly HOW fast is Taz going?
(JINWOOPANG takes out a speedometer.)
JIN:
Fifty-seven percent?
VERSILARYAN:
That's speed as in drugs.
JIN:
One?
VERSILARYAN:
What the hell?
GORO:
Shaddup. We were supposed to be going swimming.
Jin:
FTL. Faster than light.
Versilaryan:
So much for Einstein's theory.
(Lights fade as everyone pantomimes a continuation of the scene. Versilaryan leaves the room in disgust.)
VERSILARYAN: [Offstage]
That's how our ordinary day was. Avoiding Pedro's cooking, keeping Taz occupied, et cetra. There was nothing ordinary about that day. In fact, it was a perfectly ordinary week just as well. Life only went on the way it normally does.
Act II - BTNists Abroad
Scene 1 - A friggin' recipe for disaster
(ARTIX and his group of PALADINS enter from one side of the stage. JAGEX and a bunch of NOOBS enter from the other. Lights up on both factions as they attack each other.)
ARTIX:
We shalt smite thee, foul JAGEX!
JAGEX:
Pay our monthly fee and you can access over half as more of the game's content than you can have done as a freebie!
PALADIN:
More like nine-tenths more content.
NOOB:
I's a member now (audibly speaking)exclamation point one one one exclamation point one one eleven!
(ARTIX, JAGEX, and their respective armies begin to slug it out. Neither appears to win anytime soon.)
JAGEX:
Think... MMORPG! The time for... stupid one-player games... is past us!
ARTIX:
Think... Single payment! Monthly fees... EBIL!
PALADINS:
Artix... Updates BOTH factions of payment! Not... just the Guardians!
(And so the battle continued. The fighting moves offstage. A mob of GUARDIANS and ADVENTURERS enter.)
GUARDIAN:
You ready to kill?
Everyone:
YEAHH!!!
GUARDIANS:
Then let's go kick some lizard butt!
NERD: [from within the army]
Don't you mean prod buttock, sir?
(Everyone turns on NERD, then someone chops him in half. Attention is restored to the single GUARDIAN up front.)
GUARDIAN:
Let us go! CHARGE!
(As the crowd shouts a battlecry, the BTNERS are seen pulling out from the crowd. Everyone is present, except GORO.)
TRL:
Goro, you stupid son of a--
TRL RECORDING:
--Monkey's uncle! (Volume of recording is turned up to conceal the very naughty words TRL might have said.)
TRL:
...Okay, WHO DID THAT???
(TAZ raises her hand. TRL makes his way towards her, battleaxe raised, as Goro finally realizes he was supposed to be with the BTNERS. He joins the BTNERS' crowd as the mob of AQ-players charge forward.)
OWIE:
Time for a report!
(VERSILARYAN, JOSH, TRL, DD, BESTHEDESAR, and SBD all groan.)
BESTHEDESAR:
For the love of God, no...
[Singing:]
GORO:
When we're bored, people run away and scream,
What we can do can be terrifying to the extreme.
But when we're out reporting, there's no room for the sane
Just the mention of us is intelligence's bane.
'Cause...
ALL:
We're out reporting
'Bout as sane as we can be.
We're out reporting
We just agree to disagree.
We're out reporting
We'll beat your brains out and then...
We're out reporting
And that's why we're BTN.
REIKI:
We'll get you screaming out the door.
OWIE:
I'll tell ya, stupidity galore!
TRL:
And my congratulations, no one likes you anymore!
You're obnoxious and despised; you were funny, but no more,
So when you start reporting, we show you our front door.
Those idiotic reports just make my eyeballs itch,
And it's all led by Goro, that stupid son of a--
TAZ:
Monkey's uncle!
(TRL shoves his way through the crowd to Taz, singing continues)
ALL:
We're out reporting
'Bout as sane as we can be.
We're out reporting
We just agree to disagree.
We're out reporting
We'll beat your brains out and then...
We're out reporting
And that's why we're...
That's why we're...
That's why we're (divisi) out reporting/BTN!
(Lone trumpeter continues playing after music stops; everyone backs away from JINWOOPANG. TRL walks up to him and whacks him in the head with a rolled-up newspaper. JINWOOPANG plays two last notes before TRL whacks him again. Blackout.)
Scene 2 - Out Reporting
JINWOOPANG:
So now that we're officially out reporting, what do we report?
GORO:
ANYTHING!
'Cause...
[Singing]
ALL:
We're out reporting
'Bout as sane as we can be.
We're out reporting--
JINWOOPANG:
WHO goes out reporting???
(Everybody looks at each other. Then they once again break out in song.)
[Singing]
ALL:
Who's to go reporting?
Is it you, or you, or you?
We'll send you out reporting
And see you through and through.
Give it up for Goro, for he is next
It's time for him to write the Cursed Text.
GORO:
No, it's not my turn to go outside
Someone else can go; the door's open wide.
I'll stay here with my awesome bling-bling
I'm too tired for this sort of thing.
ALL:
Tired! Tired! He says that he's too tired!
Those who challenge Goro is bound to get fired!
So it's time to find someone new...
Who's to go reporting?
Is it you, or you, or you?
We'll send you out reporting
And see you through and through.
Let us hear another Amen!
Give it up for TCN!
TCN:
Shut it up, you hear me clear
I'd rather sit home with my beer.
Don't send me out reporting; listen to my plea!
Me out reporting is as stupid as can be.
ALL:
Stupid! Stupid! Stupid as can be!
TCN as reporter is trouble times three!
So it's time to find someone new...
Who's to go reporting?
Is it you, or you, or you?
We'll send you out reporting
And see you through and through.
It's Rotten's turn, is it not?
C'mon, Rotten, give it all you've got!
TRL:
These reports all make your eyeballs rot
So no, I will definitely not give it all I've got.
If you think of me again, I will tan your sorry hide
Just the thought of 'out reporting' makes me think of homicide!
ALL:
Homicide!
(TRL rushes up to the singing crowd with his battleaxe raised. When the music ends, TRL is still holding his battleaxe, his back to the stage entrance.)
TRL:
I swear, I'll bloody kill every single last one of you. Your stupid ranting and meaningless cheerfulness is getting on my nerves. Every single last one of you!
(Everyone is staring past TRL, offstage.)
What? Tell me, what the hell are you all staring at???
TCN:
There's something behind you.
TRL:
Oh, for the sake of God. That is the oldest trick in the fu--
(An armed enemy rushes out, knocks TRL out, and drags him offstage. TCN starts fireballing it, but to no avail. More enemies come out to encircle the group. Blackout.)
Act III: Tides of War
Scene 1 - The War Continues
(Light up on the entire stage. The two armies (ARTIX and GUARDIANS vs. JAGEX, MEMBERS, and NOOBS) walk onstage, still fighting. ARTIX's army is the one walking backwards.)
JAGEX:
Give in! Not much longer until you are vanquished!
ARTIX:
But we still fight on! AQ has its futures looking bright!
GUARDIAN:
And what do you have? Nothing. Just random updates.
MEMBER:
But concealed updates allow for surprises!
NOOB:
I love surprises (audibly speaking) one exclamation point one one exclamation point exclamation point one one eleven!
ARTIX:
Guardians, retreat back to the Tower! They won't be able to get us there!
(Both armies walk offstage, ARTIX's still the one retreating. The mob of GUARDIANS and ADVENTURERS runs onstage.)
GUARDIAN:
CHARGE!!!
ALL:
YAHHHHHH!!!
(They continue to charge forwards recklessly. Blackout after the last person leaves the stage.)
Scene 2 - Prisoners of War
(Lights up in a large jail cell. The BTNERS are all seen moping about. Two ENEMY GUARDS stand guard at the stage entrances. JINWOOPANG, sitting down against the wall, plays a sad-sounding but still show-offy tune on his trumpet.)
VERSILARYAN:
Please, Goro, stop doing that! You'll hurt yourself!
(GOROBEI charges at the wall, fails to hit it, trips, and falls on his face. The ENEMY GUARDS laugh.)
GORO:
There has to be a way out somehow! That's how it ALWAYS is in the books!
VERSILARYAN:
But this isn't a story book!
SOMEONE IN THE AUDIENCE:
It's a musical!
(SOMEONE IN THE AUDIENCE is ignored. Goro slumps down in defeat.)
GORO:
You're right. There's no way out of here...
DD:
No, Goro. We'll get out, somehow.
[Singing:]
DD:
We could have been whatever...
We could have been...
Whatever we wanted to be
Wherever we wanted to be
Instead we chose BTN...
We could have been whatever...
We could have been...
Whatever we wanted to be
Wherever we wanted to be
We can't make that choice again...
JINWOOPANG: (At the same time as second stanza)
We could have been whatever
Whatever we wanted to be
Wherever we wanted to be
Instead we chose BTN...
VERSILARYAN:
So it's time to make amendments
To the way we now see.
It's time to let out our voice
Because we still have a choice
To whatever we wanted to be.
(The music ends slowly; everyone seems touched (at least to some degree). A single voice breaks the silence.)
ENEMY GUARD:
Stop singing!
Scene 3 - BTN to the Core
(Shuffling of feet is heard during the blackout.)
DD:
Owie! Watch your feet!
GORO:
Sorry!
OWIE:
What?
(Lights up. The BTNERS are all seen on one side of the stage. A lone, official-looking man, OFFICER FITCHLAE, is standing on the other side.)
FITCHLAE:
Hello. I am Officer Fichlae. I have been sent here to interrogate you. They tell me you've been sent to cause trouble.
JOSH:
(JOSH snorts.)
Trouble? They'll give you enough of that.
OWIE:
We were BORN to cause trouble!
FITCHLAE:
Enough of that! I am going to ask you a few questions. And I expect you to answer all of them truthful--
JOSH:
Truthfully? I doubt that.
FITCHLAE:
QUIET!
(There is no more chatter. Everyone is simply staring at Fitchlae. But one person walks up to him.)
TRL:
Quiet? QUIET? YOU expect US to be QUIET? Well, I have something for YOU to be quiet about! I'll tell you, you ambush us...
(TRL takes a step forward. FITCHLAE takes a step back.)
...You lock us up...
(TRL takes another step forward. FITCHLAE takes another step back.)
...You give us NO booze...
(Repeat)
...And you expect US to be quiet!?
(Pause)
Well, I have something for YOU to HEAR!
[Singing]
Hey, there, Officer Fitchlae, I'll speak, if I may.
So you'd better shut that trap 'cause I have something to say.
You shut us up and you lock us up and you take us all away
Then 'Be quiet', you tell us? That's a sad cliché.
FITCHLAE:
Sad you may call me, but to me you're just a pain.
Both lacking in your wit and lacking in your brain.
So now you tell me, now you sell me these lies to halt our gain!
It's no wonder that you're all mentally insane! (Hey!)
ALL:
We're insane! We're insane! We're all mentally insane!
So you can never make us quiet!
If you think that we stink with our very childish banter,
Increase the 'mount of chalk in your diet!
FITCHLAE:
This little rant here has me simply bemused.
You seem claim here that you were mentally abused.
And so you claim here out of your fear and I am the accused,
It's no wonder that you're all socially confused! (Hey!)
ALL:
We're confused! We're confused! We're all socially confused!
So once again we foil your plans
It's just strange; you're deranged, 'cause it's always BTN
That foils you with our very own hands!
So 'fore you tell us to be quiet,
We can start you a riot!
So if you tell us to be quiet again; once more,
We'll be forced to show you our front door!
(The BTNers grab FITCHLAE and shove him offstage. There is general rejoicing within the prison.)
Act IV - The Tables Turn
Scene 1 - Enough is Enough
(FITCHLAE walks onstage, looking very angry. There is a very official-looking man sitting at a desk. FITCHLAE walks up to the man.)
FITCHLAE:
Those godforsaken, idiotic...
MAN:
That is enough, Officer. The prisoners have escaped after your little rant and you aren't helping any bit.
FITCHLAE:
Escaped? HOW?
MAN:
Reinforcements. While the bulk of our army was sent to conquer the land of Lore, a team that was apparently sent to rescue them mobbed the little resistance we had here. The prisoners got out unharmed.
FITCHLAE:
Why, I'll--
MAN:
Quiet. Call back our forces.
FITCHLAE:
But--
MAN:
Now. There is no point in continuing this war. As much as I hate to admit it, they are stronger than we have suspected. Call them back. NOW.
FITCHLAE: [grumbling]
Yes, sir.
(FITCHLAE leaves. Blackout.)
Scene 2 - A Ray of Hope
(ARTIX and his GUARDIANS walk back onstage, followed by JAGEX and NOOBS. The retreat stops when members of both groups are onstage.)
ARTIX:
No! We shall not be bested!
JAGEX:
Yes you shall!
GUARDIAN:
Wait! Here they come!
(The mob of GUARDIANS and ADVENTURERS show up on one side, FITCHLAE on the other. FITCHLAE says something to JAGEX, who then notices the gigantic mob.)
JAGEX:
Retreat! We assault them another day!
(A final noobish remark is shouted from JAGEX's side while ARTIX, the GUARDIANS, and the ADVENTUERS charge at them, forcing them offstage.)
Scene 3 - It's the end...
(As the Artix, the Guardians, and the Adventurers walk offstage, the BTNers all hidden within that group stay put. They all gather together after the bulk of the army has left the stage.)
DD:
So now that we got out, what do we do next?
GORO:
Go reporting?
(Everybody turns to look at GORO.)
EVERYBODY:
NO.
GORO:
So is it really the end?
OWIE:
Indeed it is!
(OWIE tries to smile as dramatically as physically possible)
SBD:
So we successfully fought back the army, broke free of their jail, and drove about a hundred people mad in the process. What more is there to do?
GORO:
We go out reporting!
[Singing (all alone)]
We're out reporting
'Bout as sane as we can--
(VERSILARYAN slaps GORO. She immediately walks a few steps away and begins singing.)
[Singing]
VERSILARYAN:
So it's the end and why should we care?
We gave our audience more than just a scare.
We're packing our bags and we're going to prepare
For another long journey.
GORO:
The time has come for us to go
But we'll make this end super-slow!
Brains are dying, sparks are flying through the air so oh no!
It's time to kill this show!
ALL:
'Cause we'll go out reporting!
So let the chaos spread!
The sky's our only limit!
So be sure you don't bump your head.
DD:
We see some dynamite in the fray
Give Hilt a match and we're not astray!
With Madolyn he won't ruin our day
Provided we...
Run away and flee...
Then go on our merry way!
ALL:
'Cause we'll go out reporting!
Can you give me 'Amen'?
The sky's our only limit
So--
(There is an enormous explosion as the blackened HILT and MADOLYN rush offstage, giggling hysterically. VERSILARYAN shrugs and faces the audience.)
[Speaking]
VERSILARYAN:
That's why we're BTN.
(Blackout, all cast members exit the stage as the piano begins playing. Bows, and then everybody exits.)
The end.
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