Master Samak
Productive!
Steward Leprechaun
L&L
|
Critique for Prince of Thieves
Firstly, thank you for allowing me to critique your story, Prince of Thieves. I must confess that I am a tad bit nervous/intimidated, what with you being an ArchKnight. This doesn't need to be said, but I will probably find an excellent piece of work from you here. And, as always, the following critiques are only suggestions from an incompetent amateur. You may disregard them at your leisure and do with the rest--if any--as you see fit. Nevertheless, here I go.
Prologue
1. quote:
"Stand an' deliver: yer money or yer life. Either way, I get th’ gold." Nothing wrong here, but would changing the period to an exclamation mark be considered? In my "experience", robbers usually exclaim the traditional "stand and deliver" line. Plus it makes the last sentence seem a bit light and funny, in a way. Just a suggestion.
2. quote:
A young man nearly jumped in surprise as he felt powerful arms grab him and hold him steady. Forgive me, it seems that using "nearly jumped" makes the action disappointing to the man--like it was almost worthy of jumping but not that worthy. If I may, would "...man would have jumped in surprise had he not felt powerful..." be an acceptable change? --- Also, in my opinion, using the word "steady" makes it seem as if the man is unable to stay upright by himself and requires aid. Perhaps changing this to "firmly" or "roughly" or something to that effect would work.
3. quote:
He struggled and tried to break free from his waylayer's iron grip, but stopped abruptly as he heard the hiss of metal on metal. To me, metal on metal seems more like placing a piece of metal on another, which would make a single clank and not a hiss. I think a better word here would be "against" or "sliding against".
4. quote:
He gulped. A dagger pressed against his neck. There is nothing wrong here, but the sentences could be combined. An example would be, "He gulped when a dagger was pressed...". This could be intentionally left as it is, so the choice isn't mine.
5. quote:
The touch of its metal chilled his skin and sent shivers down his spine from more than just fright. I think that mentioning "metal" is unnecessary. It seems to be a given that it is the metal part of the dagger that would be pressed against the throat. I'd change "it's metal" to just "it". --- Also, the last bolded part made me have to stop and reread it. Would the addition, "...and sent shivers down his spine, shivers from more than just fright." be considered?
6. quote:
Shivers flew down the man’s spine as the meaning of it all hit him. Using "shivers down spine" seems to be a bit repetitive. I'm not sure how exactly to remedy this, but maybe, "The man stiffened in shock as the meaning..." or something to that effect.
7. quote:
The full moon reflected off of the dagger his waylayer held, giving it a cold, cruel luster. Firstly, I'm not sure that the word "of" is completely needed in the sentence. I, personally, would take it out. --- Secondly, using the word "waylayer" again carries the potential to be repetitive. It could be changed to something similar, like "robber" or "highwayman", or it could be left alone.
8. quote:
He shuddered to think that such a work of art could destroy so easily. This caught me slightly when I read it. This makes sense, but it may help the sentence flow if more detail was added: "...art could kill someone so...". Do note that I changed "destroy" to "kill" because a knife/dagger doesn't seem like it could easily destroy something. I would think it would more likely vandalize it. Plus, I would think the man is thinking about the dagger potentially killing him, making his attention focus on a more human thought.
9. quote:
"P-please, sir!" he stammered. I'm sorry, but I have this minor thing about (potential) repetitiveness. I've found it best to keep an even usage of "names" for each character, if that makes sense. However, this is probably well-known and I am wasting my time typing this.
10. quote:
There was response, save for yet another cruel laugh from the man behind him. I believe that the word "no" was accidentally left out here. It should be "There was no response...". --- Also, the word "behind" was already used in this way. Maybe changing this to "restraining" or something else to prevent repetitiveness.
11. quote:
The man was laughing. In amusement. *sigh* Please don't lose what respect you have for me, but I'm obligated to say this. The quoted text contains a form of a fragment sentence. It may be necessary to combine them to, "The man was laughing in amusement.".
12. quote:
It worried him to know that he dealt with a man who found a game in killing. Using "dealt" makes is seem like he has already handled the situation, which hasn't happened. This needs to be "was dealing", to express past-tense present situations. Wait... :)
13. quote:
And then the man behind him lowered his head slightly and spoke softly, directly into his ear. The bolded words seem out of place with this narrative, kind of. For one (and I'm compelled to say this), it is frowned upon heavily to start a sentence with "And". Secondly, using "then" in the beginning of the sentence makes is seem sequential, something I find immeasurably annoying when used incorrectly. The point is, I'd change it to, "The man behind him then lowered..." or not have it at all. --- Also, the "man behind him" thing. Ignore this if you want.
14. quote:
How would someone retain humanity when eking out a rugged living like this? This doesn't seem to fit well in its present state. I can't see the narrator asking the reader a question in this story. It may be best to italicize this in order to make it the man's thought.
15. quote:
Its rough bark repulsed him, even if it was simply because he was forced to it. I believe this makes sense already, but I'd feel better if an additional, "...was forced to go to it." was placed here.
16. quote:
He could imagine bugs lingering beneath its surface. The word "crawling" could work here as well.
17. quote:
The man behind him was obviously smiling. More amusement for him. This is a sentence fragment and may need to be revised. (Don't hate me.)
18. quote:
So he obliged, walking slowly up to the tree. Having the "So" part is a bit questionable to me. Perhaps if it was: "He obliged, however, walking slowly..."?
19. quote:
He felt the dagger release his neck but then felt its pointed tip immediately press against his back. I don't think "release" is the best choice. This gives the impression that the dagger was holding the man, instead of just being pressed to his neck. I'd change "release" to "leave".
20. quote:
It held more of an amusement. This might be repetitive, since "more amusement" was used already. I'd change this somehow. --- Also, the word "now" could be added at the end for more effect.
21. quote:
He heard footsteps leading away from him and then heard the man rummage through his stuff. I really don't think "stuff" is the best noun to use in this case. I would have it be "things" or "possesions" instead.
22. quote:
Then he heard a second pair of feet approach the first. First, the "Then" does seem a bit sequential again. Maybe, "He then heard..."? --- Also, the second and first footsteps thing threw me off. It might help if it was: "...heard a second pair of footsteps approach him." I don't think it matters with the "feet" and "footsteps".
23. quote:
This second announced its presence almost royally, as the first were barely distinguishable but the second trumped forward in confidence. mmm...I don't believe that "but" is correct here. To me, it would make more sense if this was "when".
24. quote:
"It's about time we finally meet." Using "meet" makes it seem like it is about time that they set out a plan to meet, to me at least. I would prefer this to be "met" instead.
25. quote:
The sound of the man, Rychaeth apparently, going through his belongings ceased abruptly. I don't believe this to be the optimal place to have an comma insert. I would place it between "belongings" and "ceased". That way there won't be two actions happening in one place, if that makes sense.
26. quote:
But he wasn't startled. He could tell from the lack of any sudden, startled movement. I have to say that it is frowned upon to use "But" to start a sentence. A possible change would be: "He could tell from the lack of any sudden, startled movement that the man wasn't startled, though."
27. quote:
That man was collected— then again, he'd have to be to make a living like this. There is a space after the dash. Since there isn't one before it, I would delete that space. --- Also, the "like this" stands out to me. It just seems personal, like the narrative is explaining to the reader. This is fine, many books are in that style, I just don't know if that's what is wanted with this story.
28. quote:
He heard the swish of fabric as he turned around swiftly. To take out a "he", would "The swish of fabric was heard as he turned..." be considered?
29. quote:
"Ambassador?" Rychaeth snorted in amusement. The word amusement has already been used a few times. I'd change it, if possible.
30. quote:
He could just imagine the man smiling a cruel and businesslike smile right there. The personal narrative touch again here. Disregard this if needed.
31. quote:
"Like how you killed Randall?" Achasund countered him, playing words like one fences with swords. I'm not sure, but having it be "...playing on words..." would work here too. That may change its meaning, though, so this could be fine as it is. I don't know much.
32. quote:
He heard a creak as Rychaeth leaned back against the wagon, almost completely at ease. Firstly, what wagon? Need I say more? (If I do, just pm me.) --- Also, using "almost" here is a tricky action. It's hard for me to find someone almost completely at ease. Very hard. I would take "almost" out.
33. quote:
"Yeah. Th' name of th' dead guy is Achasund." Technically, he is correcting the past, which means that this should be "was". I do get this meaning, though, so it probably is unimportant.
34. quote:
He started protesting loudly, though his shouts became gurgles as another sword was drawn. Just in my opinion, a sword would be too long. I'd just have it as "dagger".
35. quote:
There was a swish. A gurgling cough. A gag, a last gasp for life. I see two options here: Firstly, to follow the style of writing here, it may be best to have this be, "A gag. A last gasp...". Secondly, this could all be, "There was a swish, a gurgling cough, a gag, and a last gasp for life.", which would follow basic sentence listing. It doesn't make a difference. (I'm for the first option.)
36. quote:
"Give that message to yer king, will ya?" It might help if "that" was italicized, to emphasize his action.
37. quote:
There was the rustle of moving items. Then footsteps. And then he heard nothing more. As before, I'm forced to notice the fragment, and the "And". A possible change would be: "...moving items, then footsteps, and then he heard...".
38. quote:
He remained against the tree for a little while longer, but when it was evident that the man was long gone, he relaxed slightly. In my opinion, the "little" and "slightly" is unnecessary. I would remove them, simply because they don't majorly affect the narrative and the point is still made. Ultimately, though, it still isn't my choice.
39. quote:
A shady but official-looking man, Achasund, lay on the ground, dead. The term "on the ground" was already used in the previous sentence. Maybe having it be "...lay on his back, dead." or something else would be better. (Hint: it would be better.)
40. quote:
Both his and Achasund's belongings were missing. There's nothing really wrong here, but in the previous sentence the word "both" was used to include two things. It is doing the same in this one, which borderlines repetitiveness or a purposely done style of writing. I would rephrase this sentence to: "Achasund's belongings, as well as his own, were gone." Do note that I changed "missing" to "gone". To me, "missing" makes it seem like the belongings are lost, but the reader and the character know where they are.
Critiquing Complete!!!
Well, I really thought this was a very good prologue. The "stand up" part caught my attention and made me want to read more. The imagery and well-placed description of the characters caught my fancy also.
The only suggestion I could give is to pay attention to the many he's and him's and the man's in this story. A few times I couldn't identify the actual person who was doing something and was forced to guess, or then later found out. It could become repetitive. I can agree that there are some places that don't leave a lot of room for this.
I did think that the final line was extremely well thought of: quote:
A full moon gazed down on the carnage in the center of the road. I thought this contained the most perfect imagery, and it went away from a narration into something like a movie before it would white-out into another scene or the introduction of the title. I applaud you many times over for that.
Again, thank you for allowing me to critique your prologue. These are only suggestions and I hope that this won't end up being a negative experience.
-Master Samak-
< Message edited by Master Samak -- 8/2/2008 19:17:59 >
|
Printable Version
Icon Legend
New Messages
No New Messages
Hot Topic w/ New Messages
Hot Topic w/o New Messages
Locked w/ New Messages
Locked w/o New Messages
Post New Thread
