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6/29/2008 17:46:04   
Clyde
Legendary Artist!


The Introduction~
Hey everyone. Some of you may know me and Versilaryan or you may not, but here's the comments thread to our Little collaborative project we started on IRC. This little project started out as an RP between two friends and ended up being so fun it turned into a full blown story. Versy and I spent days(I was being lazy XP) changing it from IRC RP format to the story format you'll be reading. We practically had to PM eachother back and forth with our own character's actions and descriptions.

The Plot~
Well the plot is so far about a young couple of rouge fighters. The male, Rychaeth, and the female, Kistune. Though they first met at the tavern it was practically fate that brought them together. Both of them share a certain kind of passion for their job. And that passion extends to manipulating other people for personal gain.

Star-cross'd lovers or Mr. and Mrs. Smith--you decide.

The Characters~
Name: Rychaeth Leithyr/Age: Mid-twenties/Apperance: Pale human by day, werefox at night. He wears all black./Personality: Ditto below.
Name: Kitsune /Age: Unknown/Apperance: Read the Story. :P/Personality: You'll find out soon enough.

Table O' Contents~
  • Chapter 1: The Bittersweet Taste of Love

    < Message edited by Clyde E. -- 7/4/2008 13:48:19 >
  • Post #: 1
    7/4/2008 8:49:59   
    gwoonjustin
    April 2008 Writer of the Month


    I have recently concluded I should read more, so here's to keeping promises to yourself! Plus this sounds like it could be fun!

    1:
    quote:

    scattered by bar fights or an inkling of sense that found its way through their alcohol-clouded minds

    You may want to turn the 'sense' into 'common sense', to insure this is not about the five senses.

    2:
    quote:


    A once-merry hearth fire cracked on occasion,

    I don't think the '-' is necesary here, simply:
    A once merry hearth
    will due

    3:
    quote:

    The two remaining bar patrons sat alone,

    If you were to change 'alone' to 'by themselves' it may be more obvious that they are not sitting alone together, as in with no one but eachother.

    4:
    quote:

    the man stole another glance at the tavern's sole other occupant.

    She's not the sole occupant besides himself. There's the tender... Perhaps 'tavern's sole female occupant.'

    5:
    quote:

    Within the dull tavern light, her crisp, blue eyes shined like a diamond within unclear water, her skin a silky tan that brought out the beauty of her hair and eyes.

    I'm thinking that comma might be better off being a semi-colon...

    6:
    quote:

    Her hand delicately waved auburn hair from in front of her almost intense, blue eyes.

    Almost intense? That kind of a downer right there, because the word 'almost' gives the impression something impossibly great will follow, like 'almost perfect'. They can be almost intense, but I'd prefer "of her blue eyes, which were just a tint to dull to be intense". Though the original may have the effect you desired; I can't really tell.

    7:
    quote:

    "Thank you," she said with a smile as the barkeep delivered their drinks.

    Their drinks? He's already delivered his, and then makes hers, only to deliver it after that. I'd say those are two seperate occacions, plus her thanking the tender for delivering both her drink and that of a complete stranger (however attractive) is kind of weird in this stage of the scene.

    8:
    quote:

    Black-tipped, triangular ears flattened themselves against his skull as he drank then perked up, aware for any strange noise.

    drank, then
    Also, aware for any stange noise sounds kind of weird to me. 'scanning for any strange noise' could work.

    9:
    quote:

    Underestimation was on his side. Or so he thought.

    Kinda souns like he expacts to underestimate... In stead, how about this:
    Underestimation would strike her victim[replace this word with something more suitable if you please]. Or so he thought.

    10:
    quote:


    " 'Ey there, sugah," he said with a lazy grin. "Ya dun look like th' sort ta be hangin' 'round 'ere." Kitsune turned her body only a slight fifty degrees before staring and smiling at the man. She drew a light chuckle.

    "You shouldn't worry about me. I can handle myself quite nicely."

    "Ya never know when somethin' might 'appen."

    Being a manipulator you must be a kind of actor. And I would assume this actor knows a thing or two about moderation. The first two bolded sentences may be a bit over-acted. Especially compared to the last sentence, which seems way more clear.

    11:
    quote:

    Kitsune watched as she saw the real face of the man-fox as he leaned in closer.

    watched as she saw?
    Thats like saying:
    moves her legs as she walked.
    It's just plain wrong.
    Something like this could work:
    ...watched closely, as the real face of...

    I have to leave right now. I'll continue ASAP.

    The finishing touches:

    12:
    quote:


    Kitsune smiled as she pulled her foot up to adjust her high heels, but actually readied her own dagger.

    The first part of this sentence needs some element of pretence, as this is writen from omniscient perspective. It cannot be unaware of her intentions at the start of this sentence, especially when it is fully aware of it only a few words later.

    13:
    quote:

    "An' ya jes' might find that I might 'ave a few tricks up m' own sleeve."

    Avoid double 'might' by removing the second. Even in speech its annoying, and it doesn't seem like a thing for him to do anyway.

    14:Quoteless: Watch out with overusing these: Sly, Fox, Chuckling, Feigning. Especially the first two. I understand especially in dialogue the importance of repetition, but don't overdo it.

    15:
    quote:

    "Nice meetin' ya. Can we say same place, same time?"

    Even if he may be joking, it still needs a date. Like: same place, same time tomorrow?"

    Done.
    I like it! Nice to see a coplete lack of typo's here.

    < Message edited by gwoonjustin -- 7/4/2008 10:26:30 >
    AQ  Post #: 2
    7/4/2008 13:21:38   
    Coyote
    Member

    1) I really don't see how that can be mixed up with the five senses. >_> Changed anyways.

    2) True. Once is modifying 'merry', not 'fire'.

    3) Done.

    4) I was going to have the bartender go to the cellar, but meh. That makes it clearer, earlier, that the other bar patron is female.

    5) Nope. Semicolons conjoin two independent clauses. That's a sentence and a gerund phrase.

    6) Clyde. =P

    7) The barkeep was supposed to set Ry's drink down so he can get hers ready. Not give it to him. No implications or figurative language there; he just sets it down. And she says "thank you" to the barkeep for her drink, when he puts it down in front of her.
    Changed to avoid further confusion. 'Sides; it wouldn't make sense, on second thought, to just put the ale down.

    8) "Aware" wasn't the right word. Nor is "scanning". Changed it, though.

    9) I'mma wait for a second opinion on that before I change it. I don't see how it would look like he expects to underestimate. If he did, he'd change his estimation, and fast. That's generally what people do when they realize that they're probably going to underestimate. >_>

    10) He just quaffed a mug of ale. Add that to the colloquialism, and you have a lot of omitted letters and a few miscalculations on his part. He's not drunk, but his thinking's impaired, at least on some level.
    'Sides, those sentences also happen to have a lot of words affected by Ry's normal speech, anyhow.

    11) Clyde. =P
    Changed the structure of the sentence so it has the same meaning without the redundancy.

    12) Clyde, you change that; just send the changed paragraph to me. You know her actions better than I do.

    13) I noticed that and was wondering whether or not to do something about it. But as Clyde'll tell you, it was /really/ late for both of us. >_> Might've been a good idea if I edited it a bit the next day, too, but I tend not to have the brightest ideas in the morning and late at night.

    14) "Fox" is staying where it is. They just chuckle too much. (Ry grins too much, too, but that's sort of a character thing. Other synonyms for grinning don't really carry the mischievous connotation.) I'll look up synonyms for "sly", though I didn't think they used it /that/ much. And I didn't think we overused "feigning"; I'll check again anyways.
    EDIT: Used the nifty ctrl+F. I have numbers for you; a lot of the words you say are overused aren't used very much at all. >_>
    They only say the words "sly", like, four times in conversation, twice in Ry's short monologue. It's only mentioned once outside of conversation. I wouldn't say that it's overused to the point of redundancy.
    "Feign" was only used twice, total. NOT overused. >_>
    Kitsune only chuckles once, and Ry chuckles four times. I changed a couple that were too close together.

    15) One, he's joking. Two, she's gone by that point and probably not paying attention to him anyways. I seriously doubt they'd meet again there the next day, anyways. >_>


    Hah. One comment, and the story's already been torn apart. Thanks for critiquing, though. n_n

    < Message edited by Versilaryan -- 7/4/2008 13:32:40 >
    AQ DF MQ AQW  Post #: 3
    7/4/2008 13:33:35   
    Firefly
    Lore-ian


    Clyde, the Japanese for "fox" is "kitsune" You've sometimes got "kistune" and sometimes "kitsune." <_< I find this very funny, 'cause I also have a habit of mispelling character names. =P I suggest you Control + F the "kistunes" and change them to "kitsune," lol. Oh, and you spelled it "kistune" on the comments thread too.

    *gets shot for being annoying* Hey, I was trying to help!
    AQ  Post #: 4
    7/4/2008 14:11:54   
    gwoonjustin
    April 2008 Writer of the Month


    There's some stuff I feel like getting back to here:

    1: It won't be, I just say stuff like that so you write it down real clear. Better safe then sorry, right? I guess it may not really matter. You could change it back if you please.

    8: I know, couldn't come up with a proper word. At least this is correct, though far from optimal.

    10:
    quote:

    He took some pains to appear intoxicated, at least to some degree, to minimize his chance of failure. Underestimation was on his side. Or so he thought.

    This led me to believe his speech empairment due to drinking was an act to seem weak and off-guard.

    14: Yeah, it was mostly a warning, like you can see if you read the post again. Its just because some people have these pet words and they just keep on comming back like once every two paagraphs. And not words like 'and' or something, really specific ones.
    About sly: Blackadder has made me a great fan of the word 'cunning'. You could use that.

    15: I know, but for the joke to work, he must mention a date, because this wouldn't work if it weren't a joke either. Therefore sorta mocking the phrase same time, same place ,<insert date here>, he must copy it correctly.
    Am I being picky or what?

    Also, a word of advice:
    I know you both have your own character you know best, but concider the following:
    Write an extencive bio on your char., and let the other writer read it. Then, both write a chapters concecutively.
    It will give you knowledge of the other character, allowing you to make your own react more fitting to its personality. Also, this would help you out when reading critisism, as both could just work on their own chapters typo-wise. Naturally, you will read eachother's chapters, and comment on it plot-wise and all. If you trust eachother too little, you could discuss the chapter your writing with your partner in the process of writing it.
    Just a thought.

    quote:

    One comment, and the story's already been torn apart.

    I'ma go ahead and concider that a compliment.

    That's about it for now. I'm going to keep checking out the process here, so be warned....
    AQ  Post #: 5
    7/5/2008 15:41:38   
    Coyote
    Member

    I myself am firmly against the bio idea. I /hate/ bios as a means of absolute reference, as people who've RP'd with me will tell you. The most I ever use bios for are to see if the kind of character used would fit into an RP. I really can't be bothered to type up an extensive bio, and I really can't be bothered to try and figure out personality from a bio, even an extensive one. Besides, I could supply a list of /every/ word that Ry pronounces oddly, give multiple examples of when he would grin, et cetera, et cetera, et cetera, and it wouldn't be enough to be Rychaeth in my book.

    And this is coming from a guy who isn't that awesome at characters to begin with. So no bios. >_> I get a better feel of characters through the actual author it belongs to. IE, reading stuff written by the author or by RPing with the author. Not by going "hands-on" with a bio that probably has some missing information, anyways. (Hey; we aren't perfect, and if I were to write an extensive bio on Ry, I'd forget to put /a lot/ of stuff on.)

    I /hate/ bios as a "reliable" means of reference, if you can't tell.

    < Message edited by Versilaryan -- 7/5/2008 20:24:23 >
    AQ DF MQ AQW  Post #: 6
    7/5/2008 16:01:46   
    gwoonjustin
    April 2008 Writer of the Month


    You could do that. Just read eachothers stories which include the characters, and then write a chapter each everytime. I really think that might be easier. Of course, if you guys want to discuss every move, that could work out fine as well, I guess. Like you say, the characters have been used by you before, so each of you knows their own character best.

    I myself am not too big on bio's either, it just seemed to come in usefull here. I guess you disagree:P
    AQ  Post #: 7
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