Lux -> RE: Fancy Tales ~ Comments Thread ~ New: When Mastin Speaks... (8/9/2008 16:01:46)
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Opacus, critiquing as per request in "Would you like a Critique with the Rating?" To warn you, I'll only post in this color to show my improvements and corrections when they're needed. So, if there are multiple stanzas without a comment, that's because I can't improve it. Also, Many of my suggestions have to do with punctuation. It may not be necessary to change it if it isn't what you had intended. It's away! quote:
The Might of the Earth The earth, It comforts me, Embraces me like arms, And it holds me tight. I like it; good stanza. All I think needs changing *might* be a semicolon after "me", otherwise it's good. What's it worth? We won't agree, As it warms, And for I fear its might. Good. It takes awhile to get your head around, but I personally like that. That or I'm stupid :). But being earth, You’re never free, You can’t whisper charms, You won’t ever fight. I'd put a period after "free" and a semicolon after charms. Otherwise, it's good. You won’t give birth, Except for my tree. You won’t take up arms, You won't use your might. After all, you’re just earth. Just lying there, never free. You don’t have legs, you don’t have arms, So away I go, into the night. Good one! There are my corrections. I give it a 7 out of 10. About Victory, Blashpemy, Glory, and Mercy Blasphemy is misspelled. Victory, It slices, It dices, And goes unavenged. Good. Blasphemy, I guess, My life’s a mess, But God won't care either way. Glory, It awaits us, Just because We wish to gain it. Since you put punctuation everywhere else here, how about a colon, comma, or hyphen. Mercy, We beg for it, As we don’t see ourselves fit To die. Same as above on punctuation, I suppose. Leaving it out or adding it are the proper ways of doing it, I believe. Yet. Great finish :). I give it a 7.5 out of 10. Just a Single Touch It made we wonder about life, How fleeting, dark, and lonely it can be. It makes me cause a lot of strife, And gets me in trouble with the ones up high. I think it's there, Just to annoy me, Just to remind me, Of my own feebleness. I'll never be me. I guess I'm just like all the others, Not special, mighty or rich. I'm not that good as cannon fodders, Yet I know how to get fired pretty well. I think it's there, Just to follow me, Just to scare me, To bring me fear - I’ll never be free. Yet today, life seems different. Brighter, happier, better. Yet it is not apparent, For all those other people I think there needs to be a period at the end of the last line. Maybe an "It's" at the start of the second line? Otherwise, great. I think it's there, Just to bless me, Just to behold me, For my own good. And thus I won’t flee. And it all started, with just a little something. Just a single touch, your hand and mine. I no longer have a wish to be nothing Now it is to be with you. Aside from being beautiful, there may need to be a comma after "nothing". Just a single touch… Who knew it'd make my mind wander off? The salvation of the people Lies in hope, dreams, truth and love. Beautiful. It's deep; it goes from some sadness to joy and to hope. These are some of my favorite types of poems. I give it a 8 out of 10! A Lonely Life I’m walking here, all alone. Yet I won’t cry. For what’s the use of crying, Whining, yelling, running, When you’re on you own? The street is empty, time flies by. My life is empty. My heart is dark. My eyes are tired. Which makes me wonder: why? Why am I all alone? The answer’s hidden far below In my dark, empty heart. I try to recover it, by myself, Yet it chills me to the bone. Maybe after "below", put a comma or hyphen? I’ve found the solution Yet I wish to lose it. I don’t want to know, Don’t wish to remember any more, Because I fear the retribution. Maybe punctuation after "solution"? I killed them all, I must acknowledge That my soul is dark, dark and empty. Hell is near, I feel its presence. I’m a child of dark alleys. And I never even went to college. Maybe replace a dark with "sinister"? And if you want, punctuation after "acknowledge". Now I lead a lonely life, All others fell before me. They all have died, they all are gone. Their lives shall all have been in vain. Just because of all that strife. Instead of a period after "vain", I'd put a hyphen or a comma, because the last line isn't a sentence (I don't *think* it is). Otherwise, great! I give it a 8 out of 10. A Prophecy Once Light and Dark go down together, And the other elements live in strife, All living creatures pestered by weather, More and more shall lose their life. Then shall rise a God from feather. I'd put a period after "strife". The God shall shout and bark and bite; Uncaring, unliving, undying, unreal. He shall destroy those who put up a fight, By making them They Who Truly Feel. Such is this God, black nor white. No man can kill him, all shall fall. No weapon can harm him, he'll just laugh. No fool can find him, yet he ain't small. No might will destroy him, not on our behalf. Only one thing will stop him, and that is the all. Good. I don't know about "ain't", but the rest is fine. I give it a 7.5 out of 10. Alright...working on the remaining three now. I'll post them in another post. If my suggestions for punctuation change the meaning to something you hadn't intended, by all means ignore them. Just saying what shouted out at me :).
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