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gwoonjustin -> RE: Fancy Tales ~ Comments Thread ~ New: 2 new poems! (4/19/2009 16:08:14)
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Heyas.
I'm going to quote myself here, because if you must repeat yourself, why not do it properly, eh?
quote:
I'm kind of sick of not being here in L&L now, it's been enough. So I figured what the hell, lets go back. However, writing is still going as bad as the moment I left the forums. So just critisism for now; rereading some stuff, catching up on some poets and what not. I may be back as a writer too within some time, but this depends entirely on what will go on in that brain of mine, and I've yet to find the first person with the gift of understanding that weird little brat.
So there you have it. I shall now simply consider this a fact, and all who did not read this yet will find out soon enough as the prophesy fulfills itself.
Starting where I left off. Yes, I am that loyal. I know, I should get a loyalty trophy. Then again, I'd probably just give it to you, cause I'm way to loyal not to. Enough crazyness! I shalt commence!
A Couple of Haiku's About Leaving and Returning
This so appropriate to my current situation my head is about to implode!
I'm a sucker for haiku's, etc, that work both individually and as a whole. So yay.
One remark. "Life is an eternal struggle" That seems to ring a bell. Arthur, Arthur. *dissapointed glance*. Nah, kidding, it's pretty fun to see it back there. I seem to remember you saying you liked that line in particular, too...
Darkness Unleashed
I have to admit that aften when I listen to music my primary focuss is on the lyrics, but reading lyrics without music is another thing completely. It's rather odd. Still, I'm gonna go ahead and pretend this is a poem, only with less point-deduction for loads of repetition (yes, I'm grading. And you don't want to flunk in my class, trust me[sm=dewlok.gif].
quote:
People shall die;
If not by my hand
The rules don’t apply.
The rules dont apply<seems very forced to me, and not really fit in with the overall mood. Maybe:
'Either by my hand
Or by those of mine'
Mine being "my minions'.
You catch my drift.
quote:
Only one thing is sure:
But one thing is sure
Just seems better to me, given the lines before it.
quote:
Oh wait I don’t have those,
Oh wait, I don't have those
The line doesn't sound to good to me even with the added comma. Maybe to add to the despair:
Maybe, if I had those
or:
If only I had those
The Sound of Music:
BEST MUSICAL EVER! (just kidding, don't worry)
Great poem.
Liked the reference to the Faithless song.
'Nuff said.
Ascend:
Brief but powerful. Again, very little to add.
Battles Lost:
Since the idea is you kill an enemy, then you die, perhaps it would be nicer to not have "the enemy has won", but rather something like "All is lost". Not All is lost, but something vocalizing that idea.
Cycle:
Quite nice, but it seemed to lack a point. Maybe I'm just an idiot missing some subtlety, but if it truly is simply things in the world changing around, then I think it is far too general. Or perhaps the theme is fine, but you need to connect some consequence to it. Now it's like: Things change, yeah, so? Perhaps a character with some emotion, even if the character isn't distinctly present in the poem?
A Little Morning Stroll:
quote:
A saw a squirrel
YAY, a typo! (self-explanatory, I should hope)
quote:
Just an ordinary stroll
Nothing special
Or extraordinary.
extraordinary follows ordinary too quickly, and in reference to the exact same point, no less.
quote:
And feel it's warth
Yet another!
Very nice, reminds me of many a nice little soothing stroll I've made in me life.
Collab: Winter > Everything Else :
I'll just assume Ana checks this comment out too, or otherwise that you communicate about comments with eachother.
quote:
tis a bit of cold
tis a bit of cold?
I know it's tough in a collab to watch repetition, but there've been four references to snowmen, three of which freakishly close to eachother that did not really connect well or anything, making the repetition a bit awkward.
Also: What's going on with the capitals? Go have a look at em for yourself, you'll see what I mean.
quote:
Don't you quite agree?
quite was quite clearly the first word you came up with to make this sentence of appropriate length, but I must say I quite dislike it here.
quote:
But let’s not get ahead of ourselves
Let’s enjoy this while it lasts
Let’s look for Santa, and his little elves
Let’s not forget these wonderful times
When we return to our daily lives.
And his eight tiny reindeer plus Rudolf
With his shiny red nose as he guides the way
For Santa, and his big red sleigh
Let's not forget these wonderful times
When we return to our daily lifes
And whoop, we just jump back to Santa.
See what I mean, Santa, remember, Santa. Especially with the And pretending it's been about Santa all along, it's weird.
Bittersweet Loving
quote:
Holding out my arms for you:
Hoping you'll come back to me.
But you won't.
I know.
For I am the one bleeding.
Either "i" knows because he's bleeding or the "you" won't comeback because "I" is bleeding.
Neither make sense, especially in a romantic scene. Try to communicate better why the other person would fail to come back.
Otherwise, nice little piece.
Battles won:
Nothing to add.
Good poem!
Masked:
Nice.
Yet again, no further comments.
Good job keeping up in the absence of your mentor XP.
Seriously though, good stuff! Keep em comming!
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