RE: No, I Will Not Go To the Psychiatrist! ~ "If"

RE: No, I Will Not Go To the Psychiatrist! ~ "If" (Full Version)

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Anon Y. Mous -> RE: No, I Will Not Go To the Psychiatrist! ~ "If" (12/31/2008 15:31:57)
I'm back! New: Alarm Clock. ~~EDIT: Second page! I claim it for myself!~~ Even claiming your own pages isn't allowed. - Cow Face

Anon Y. Mous -> RE: No, I Will Not Go To the Psychiatrist! ~ "If" (1/6/2009 18:42:40)
New: Observations. Some interesting things I've realized. Whenever I make an observation I will update "Observations". Maybe it isn't really poetry, but I felt like one-liners and the like looked better in poetry than in singular lines.

Anon Y. Mous -> RE: No, I Will Not Go To the Psychiatrist! ~ "If" (1/14/2009 16:20:34)
New: Drugs. A try at haiku form. Sorry I've been gone for so long. (Procrastination on a big project.)

Anon Y. Mous -> RE: No, I Will Not Go To the Psychiatrist! ~ "If" (1/25/2009 17:19:45)
A mini-update to "Observations" is up. I'm thinking about a song for the economy next.

Anon Y. Mous -> RE: No, I Will Not Go To the Psychiatrist! ~ "If" (2/9/2009 21:20:31)
It's been quite a while. A poem for my actions: Procrastination

Anon Y. Mous -> RE: No, I Will Not Go To the Psychiatrist! ~ "If" (2/24/2009 18:58:27)
A meaningful semi-tongue-twister. Relevance

Anon Y. Mous -> RE: No, I Will Not Go To the Psychiatrist! ~ "If" (8/14/2009 16:22:52)
grass Eh... EDIT: Jesus, like half a year between this post and the last one...

Anon Y. Mous -> RE: No, I Will Not Go To the Psychiatrist! ~ "If" (8/21/2009 23:03:16)
Sticky Notes Just sitting in someone's office cubicle and thought.

Anon Y. Mous -> RE: Disbelief ~ The Game (8/23/2009 15:20:19)
The Game Death.

Anon Y. Mous -> RE: Disbelief ~ right? (9/15/2009 17:01:27)
right?

Anon Y. Mous -> RE: Disbelief ~ right? (9/16/2009 17:07:36)
Because Little darker than my usual fare.

Mistermafio -> RE: Disbelief ~ right? (9/18/2009 11:57:13)
Just chiming in to say that I really like your style of writing poetry. It's so different from what I write, in a good way. I like the fact you are to the point, not wasting your time with overly complicated language or burdening yourself with trivial stuff. In reading through your poetry (though I must admit, I didn't really have the time to read it all quite yet) I did find one little mistake. quote: If If I wanted, I'd cause despair. If I wanted, I'd fix heathcare. Don't give me that smirk, Don't act like a jerk, I could if I wanted, so there. Unless you are really buggered with the way heath gets treated these days, I think you meant healthcare. Anyway, I really enjoyed your poetry. And, consider me someone that doesn't know what he's talking about, but I really think it would be very interesting to see you try different forms of poetry. Something with rhyme, or something more flowery. Not only for us forumites to read, but more for you yourself to find out. I myself find I learn a lot from trying different styles, so I figure you might do so too. Heh, scratch that, I just saw your first page of poetry. :^P Good stuff, still.

Anon Y. Mous -> RE: Disbelief ~ right? (9/18/2009 17:05:40)
Thanks for commenting and catching that typo! Yeah, I need to try writing more structured poetry. I just have trouble with syllables and accents. I just gotta work at it. Thanks again!

Anon Y. Mous -> RE: Disbelief ~ right? (9/19/2009 20:58:43)
The Other One

Anon Y. Mous -> RE: Disbelief ~ right? (9/20/2009 20:51:32)
Headache I got a headache at a party. Gave me a new take on headaches.

Anon Y. Mous -> RE: Disbelief ~ right? (9/22/2009 21:15:32)
Stalemate

Anon Y. Mous -> RE: Disbelief ~ Poetry ~ anyway (9/23/2009 17:53:02)
anyway I had been thinking about this for awhile.

Anon Y. Mous -> RE: Disbelief ~ Poetry ~ anyway (9/29/2009 22:00:27)
Just posting to say that I haven't abandoned this again. I've just been a bit busy and haven't had enough time to work on a poem idea I have. It's more structured than my usual stuff and it's taking me longer to write as a result. It's coming soon. EDIT: Now I also have a cold. Sux.

Anon Y. Mous -> RE: Disbelief ~ Poetry ~ anyway (10/5/2009 19:13:25)
Finally, I sat down for a long while and scraped it out! Here it is! What Do the Birds on the Powerlines Know? Can someone help me out and tell me if "do" should be capitalized in the title of this poem?

Gianna Glow -> RE: Disbelief ~ Poetry ~ anyway (10/15/2009 23:13:19)
As you requested, here is your critique from the Need a Hand Workshop! quote: grass grass beneath feet bent never straight never tall nothing else is there nothing else Pretty good… the imagery is good… but never tall? Grass is tall, just flexible. It’s the reason it becomes tall. The last two lines don’t make as much sense. I would (even if you’re trying the no punctuation or capitalization thing) put in a period after “else” because the first part is (conceivably) one thought/idea. The second part seems much more disconnected comparatively. (Do note I am purposely ignoring the capitalization and punctuation issues…) quote: Sticky Notes Remiders everywhere stuck. On everything, everywhere. My vision beneath them beyond them is obscured. First off, “Reminders”. :D After the first “everywhere”, I would put a comma. That would be grammatically correct I believe. Next, the second “everywhere” seems really lonely…. And if you leave it by itself, it seems really repetitive for no reason because it’s not setting up a pattern. Other than that, it’s pretty good! (That being said I was not really focusing on correct grammar and punctuation again…) I'll be back later to add in some more! I just wanted to let you know (by posting some...) that I am working on your stuff! :D ~GG

Anon Y. Mous -> RE: Disbelief ~ Poetry ~ anyway (10/17/2009 13:26:25)
Well, I wrote "grass" kind of with the idea of the way that grass is continually bent under feet and never really has the chance to stand up with pride for too long. Really, in people's lawns its purpose (along with covering the dirt) is to be stepped on. To cushion a fall if someone slips. The last to lines might be too philosophically-corny but they were suppose to be the grass wondering if there was something else. Also, on the topic of that period, I really wanted it to be shaky and almost make less sense than usual writing. Like you said, that period would make it a bit more cohesive, and I was trying to stray away from that a bit. But if you will really advocate it, I will add it in. "Stick Notes": The comma is added. I will remove the second everywhere, too.

Gianna Glow -> RE: Disbelief ~ Poetry ~ anyway (10/18/2009 20:04:05)
I'm back! quote: The Game We've lost. Deficit too large. No way to regain the lead or tie or make it close. Fear is making itself well known for we cannot lose. We can't. Or else. Or else. But the game's been solid. Some good plays. Some crap plays. Exciting. We've put on a good show. We step out for the last bit. Doesn't matter that we'll lose. It's done. Being a player in it has been nice. I absolutely love this one, but I do have a few tips I think would make it even better. :D Instead of “Deficit”, I would say “The deficits are”. When you have it that way, its too jerky compared to the rest of your poem. One more point. I would take out the second to last line completely. It just sounds really off with it in there. quote: right? right? it's okay no problem when the sun comes up it won't matter we're here not there doesn't matter no one'll care forever it'll be a memory to look back on we'll only be here a while so why not? it's okay no problem right? I really like this one (other than the bad grammar that makes it a little hard to read… especially out loud. I always read poetry aloud.) and it does sound cool. A few quick tips on this one as well. There’s not much to nit-pick here (unless you want a grammar/punctuation nazi…). :D I would take out “forever” in the “no one’ll care forever” line… it just really doesn’t fit and still makes the same sense after you take it out. No one caring implies forever. quote: Because Skin cracked parchment paper rips on cloth scabbed soul-sucking dry. Covered in thin layer blood. Should not blood moisten hand? Why will it not? Why? Because. Beginning of this poem is good, however, you get to the third stanza and it just doesn’t make sense anymore. I don’t see any rhyme or reason to why you did that stanza. It looks like a sentence that you wanted in there, but wasn’t sure how to do that… so you did one-word lines. Which. Sounds. Like. This. It. Is. Really. Jerky. Right? It’s a completely different feel than the rest of your poem. I would just work with that third stanza to make it fit with the rest a bit better. The ending? Its priceless. :D quote: The Other One Five children start with one goal in mind. To help mankind. They grow very fast and now it's their time. Powerwash slime. Names for themselves forged in the fire. Made to insipire. Remembered now, then, and forever. Though however in the beginning greater than them there was a sixth kid. Bad thing they did. Lovely poem. It’s definitely thought-provoking. The rhyming is well done, except in one place. We’ll get there though. My first comment is that after the second line, I would put in a colon instead of a period. It makes more sense that way. Now, the second stanza where I have a problem with the rhyming. Yes, it does rhyme… but Powerwash slime?!? It comes out of the blue and doesn’t make any sense! (and before you go there, a note on poetry. Poetry never needs an explanation. Ever. Period. It just isn’t needed. If it doesn’t make sense in the poem, then you need to fix the poem. Poetry paints an entire scene with words. If a bit of the scene is left out, that’s where the questions come in. If you want more reasons why I don’t want explanations, I’d be happy to oblige.) The only thing I have left to mention on is the last stanza. Was it one bad thing they did? More? What did they do? The picture leaves a lot of questions. Other than that, it’s marvelous! Ok, i'll come back and catch the last 4 or so later!

Gianna Glow -> RE: Disbelief ~ Poetry ~ anyway (10/20/2009 19:25:00)
Ok! Here's the last part!! quote: Headache Pounding behind my eyes steady rhythm hypnotize. Into a trance so calm so relaxed conversation bathes me. Lean back close lids waiting darkness. Muscles go slack. At peace. Ok, a note on the poem overall. I personally NEVER find headaches relaxing or hypnotizing… and I’ve had quite a few humdingers that I’ve had to wear sunglasses in class before. But that’s just me. Other than that, it’s really good. Maybe “hypnotized” or “hypnotizing”? just the root verb seems to be the wrong tense from what you’ve already set. Last bit… may I suggest “awaiting” instead of “waiting”? It fits with the flow of your poem much better. quote: Stalemate Two people alone in a room. One says a stupid thing. Two replies. They expound. Create a joke, a sketch, impromptu, on the spot. Both refuse to laugh. Would ruin the joke. No one else is around to appreciate it. What a waste. One, it is amazing. There is only a few things I would change. The places there is a bolded comma above help a ton IMO. Other than that, it’s gorgeous! quote: anyway what if when we die there's nothing what if we're just gone nowhere what if there's no more thought no more soul what if there's no heaven no nothing what if there's even no blackness what if in a thousand years no one remembers you what if in billions of years nothing's left of you what if there's no reason to live hm what if we just lived since we're here anyway might as well do something Well, ignoring the blantant and obvious punctuation, grammar, and capitalization errors (which I’m assuming was purposeful), I really do enjoy it! quote: What Do the Birds on the Powerlines Know? What do the birds on the powerlines know? They cock their heads most uncannily so. Strange and foul are the trees they perch upon. Their bodies are still; their manner withdrawn. Gleaming eyes that speak of knowledge unheard, Of happenings most vile not yet occurred. Beyond our small Earth and our small moments Are sights and sounds the birds sense that torment. A burden most heavy rests on their wings. Inescapable, yet makes them as kings. Nothing here except a couple of spelling errors (fixed and bolded…). Very well done as well! There you go! I hope this was helpful!

Anon Y. Mous -> RE: Disbelief ~ Poetry ~ anyway (11/24/2009 21:17:50)
A much belated and much hugantic thank-you for reading my poetry! It feels like I'm mostly just writing them for myself right now so to have someone else read them is great. Now to the corrections: "The Game": Everything you said. "right?": I'm keeping the "forever" because that line is supposed to say that they'll care, but later they won't. "Because": This poem is supposed to be like the voice of a seriously injured/dying person. The third stanza is when he really starts musing. "The Other One": "Powerwash slime" to "Kill all the grime" (same meaning in the poem). Also, the last stanza is trying to say that the five killed the sixth to get ahead. "Headache": This poem is talking about letting yourself go to a weak headache. I'm gonna leave "waiting" as it is because with "waiting" it seems more like the darkness is waiting for me than it does with "awaiting". Changed "hypnotize" to "hypnotized". I was going for some subtle rhymes here: "eyes/hypnotize", "trance/relaxed", "back/slack". "Stalemate": Commas where suggested. "Anyway": Thank you! "What Do the Birds on the Powerlines Know": Spelling fixed. Thanks so much again!

Anon Y. Mous -> RE: Disbelief ~ Poetry ~ anyway (11/24/2009 21:39:54)
New Poem: A Cautionary Tale. About time I wrote something like this. It's very raw since I'm half asleep, so comment and help me!

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