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Helixi -> RE: Commentary on the Literary Works of .Discipline. (10/28/2011 9:37:08)
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Prepare for my fine tooth-combing(ery), even though you're sat next to me. :D
Intro
quote:
merciful." the veiled
Should be; "...merciful." The veiled." I think you've just missed a capitalisation here.
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mouth shut so her screams could not be heard... not that it would have mattered... this deep
So... many... ellipses. *dies*
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the veiled leader screeched out as the others followed his every command, tethering the woman to the spot so she could not escape and taping her mouth shut so her screams could not be heard... not that it would have mattered... this deep in the wastelands nobody would have come to her aid and even if they did, they would have been easily dispatched by the guards stationed outside of the chamber.
You know my problem with this. Run-on sentence that actually isn't a run on. P'raps split it into two, so it isn't as much of a mouthful?
quote:
The chalky dust began to fill the cold stone room, the moonlight glimmering through it and causing it to shimmer as the low moans of melodic chanting echoed from every wall and the magi took up position in the star where the veiled leader begans to speak loudly, raising up one hand into the moonlight.
Tense mix-up. It would flow better as, "The chalky dust began to fill the cold stone room; the moonlight glimmered through it and caused it to shimmer..."
"Low moans of melodic chanting." How can moaning sound melodic?
Also, just, "began." You has extra pluralising 's'.
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struggling for a few seconds before laying still.
Surely it takes more than a few seconds to bleed out, so she would struggle for a while. If she were doped, that would help explain why she dies so quickly and quietly.
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Sat up to give birth to her child,
"Sat up to birth her child." Either is acceptable, I suppose, but I think "to birth" is more correct. Sorry I can't explain it better though.
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Before she laid back down.
"Before she lay back down."
Laid compared to lay.
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This child now holds the Spirit of Dusk... send him back to the village... True havoc is about to unfold.
*stabs, stamps and burns the ellipses then launches them at the moon*
Oros The Wise
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On a day which hardly seemed peculiar at all. The villagers were sweeping up after the most recent invasion (there had been at least three within the month) and griping to each other about the need for protection.
The underlined bit is a subordinate clause which, as you know, isn't a sentence of itself (U c whut I did thar?). Stick a comma after 'all' and it'll work.
In addition, you could possibly make the whole sentence, "On a day which hardly seemed peculiar at all, the villagers were sweeping up after the third invasion in a month and griping to each other about the need for protection," thus removing the clumsy brackets.
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their primative cardboard fortress
"Their primitive cardboard fortress."
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On the horizon a lone grey stone tower jutted up into swirling clouds of the ever shifting azure skyline.
Or, "On the horizon a lone grey stone tower jutted up into the swirling clouds of ever shifting azure skyline." Either sentence works in context but I prefer the second. It's completely up to you to choose which to use as it's simply a matter of style and flow.
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His eyes were of a shimmering green and he wore silvery robes which fell elegantly across his wiry frame, in his hands he held a battered tome which he kept in a metal sleeve, likely to prevent further damage to what precious knowledge was held within.
The comma should be a semi-colon, a dash or a full stop as the chunks either side of it are both sentences.
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The second was shorter and much more youthful than the first, appearing to be around the age of ten, his most striking features were his pale blue skin and piercing eyes, crimson across the entire surface.
The problem above is repeated here. I'd also suggest a slight reword of the first sentence; "The second was shorter, much more youthful than the first, and appeared to be around the age of ten."
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Although he was human in shape these features seemed to suggest something was not quite human about the boy, he looked confused as he stood in front of a swirling pink astral gate build into the side of the tower.
And again.
"Build" should be "built." That's just a tense error, I think.
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"No... actually I'm quite confused... who are you, old man... and what do you want with me?" the boy replied, seeming angered and puzzled.
*stabs, stamps and burns the ellipses then launches them at the moon* [x2]
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"Firstly, I would request you don't refer to me as 'old man'... I find that quite impersonal. My name is Oros Kathalar and I am one of the high magi under the employ of King Slugwrath. You are here because you have been seen to be practicing magic in these woods, black magic too, I believe it was... The Dark Tendrils of Lamahan..." he told the boy, stroking his beard curiously and furrowing his brow.
First ellipsis can stay.
The blod chunk of text is a run-on sentence. However, I cannae think of any suitable rewording at the moment. Possibly you could replace it with; "You are here because you have been seen practising magic in these woods. The message said black magic, a spell called-" Oros scowled in an effort to remember, "The Dark Tendrils of Lamahan, I believe."
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"I can explain, you see..." the boy started before being interrupted.
*stabs, stamps and burns the ellipses then launches them at the moon* [x3]
He was cut off mid-sentence, a dash would be a more appropriate punctuation mark to use. It would read as; "I can explain, you see-" the boy started before being interrupted."
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"There is no need to explain, child. You have shown great promise... it is very rare that a child of your age is able to master such complex control of the mana flow... tell me boy, who is your teacher currently?" he inquired.
*stabs, stamps and burns the ellipses then launches them at the moon* [x4] In response to the first ellipsis. Possibly replace it with "and" or a similar connective?
The second ellipsis can stay, but the 't' should be capitalised.
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"T-teacher? I don't have a teacher... unless you could count..." the boy said, stopping before he could finish his thought.
*stabs, stamps and burns the ellipses then launches them at the moon* [x5]
The second can stay. ¬_¬
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"He calls himself Dusk..." replied the boy, dragging his feet slightly.
Ellipsis can stay, again but how can he drag his feet if he is stationary?
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"Well that's the thing..." he said gingerly. "Dusk is right here... Inside my head."
The first ellipsis can stay, again.
However, unless Dalarai qualifies where Dusk is, the whole second chunk does not make much sense. I would suggest, "Dusk is right here." The child tapped his head to demonstrate to the ageing wizard, "Inside my head."
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Oros gasped as if in disbelief and donned his half-moon spectacles, frantically flicked through the tome in his hands until he had found a chapter entitled 'Legends of the Elemental Planes', he didn't say a word to the boy for a good three minutes while he reread a story he was already loosely familiar with, periodically marking passages of interest with a green-plumed quill...
The title of a book should be italicised, imo. Legends of the Elemental Planes.
Again, the comma is used in place of a dash/semi-colon/full stop.
*stabs, stamps and burns the ellipses then launches them at the moon* [x6] This ellipsis serves no purpose. A full stop will suffice.
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I had heard rumors... never did I think... they actually succeeded.
Yes... yes. You show various signs of dark mana corruption... the tainted skin, the red eyes... I assumed that it may have been temporary or you were a mixed breed of some sort... But clearly this is not the case. No wonder you have show such an aptitude... you are currently housing one
The first two/three ellipses are for effect and so can stay but, seriously? All of those other ellipses are necessary? *stabs, stamps and burns the ellipses then launches them at the moon* [x7]
Maybe this? "Yes... yes. You show various signs of dark mana corruption; the tainted skin, (or an 'and', depending on how you feel about that) the red eyes." Oros lowered his book. "I assumed that it may have been temporary or you were a mixed breed of some sort but clearly this is not the case. No wonder you have show such an aptitude, child. You are currently housing one of the Grand Spirits of the Darkness Elemental Plane."
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"Not to be nosy, child... you haven't had any... other symptoms, have you?" he asked, flicking back through the book. "Such as... 'a strong urge to consume raw or living meat, the ability to innately speak languages such as undead, drowish and infernal, increased sensitivity to bright light and an aptitude for dark ma... well we already know you have THAT." he chuckled to himself.
*stabs, stamps and burns the ellipses then launches them at the moon* [x8] I can't think of anything to go in place of this sentence.
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"I'm very surprised you have managed to contain the spirit for so long without experiencing stronger side effects..." Oros told him. "Very interesting. What do your parents think of 'Dusk', child?"
*stabs, stamps and burns the ellipses then launches them at the moon* [x9] Just a full stop.
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"Hmmm... and what if I told you I could get you into a more... specialized school... under certain provisions, yes, but this could be done. You see, as a high mage of the king's court I have many duties... one of these is teaching at the Swordhaven Academy of Magical Studies... I could get you onto the enrollment list given your very special circumstances... Tell me boy... what is your name?" Oros asked, a glint in his eye.
The first ellipsis can stay. Remove 'and' and capitalise 'w'.
You could remove the second ellipsis and italicise specialised. The intonation will be basically the same, both out loud and mentally and it gets rid of the bloody repetitive ellipsis.
The third ellipsis can become a full stop.
The fourth ellipsis can become a full stop, or 'and' could just as easily go here.
The fifth ellipsis can stay.
The sixth ellipsis can become a full stop.
The seventh ellipsis can become a semi-colon.
*stabs, stamps and burns the ellipses then launches them at the moon* [x10]
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"Dalarai Delrix." the boy replied.
Something not ellipsis related! You missed a full stop after his last name.
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"Well, Dalarai... I shall visit here every three days to help you practice your magic... by the time you are thirteen you should be skilled enough for a full scholarship. How very exciting." Oros chuckled to himself with glee. "I shan't take no for an answer, boy... if I don't keep an eye on you Dusk could become a very real threat... the more you grow the more his power will grow inside you... without my supervision you would need to be placed in the royal dungeons or executed and you wouldn't want that, would you?"
"No sir..." Dalarai replied coyly. "I will take your offer... I've always wanted to be a wizard!" he told Oros smiling.
"Then it is settled. I shall summon you here again in three days for your next lesson. Keep practicing what you know in the meantime... Do not let my trust in you be ill-founded." the gruff old wizard said as he waved a hand and flung the boy back through the portal, taking him to a forest clearing just outside of his village.
*stabs, stamps and burns the ellipses then launches them at the moon* [x11]
Discipline.
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Soon the training was well underway 1., within the tower the dull green gleam of light from the forest clearing 2. causing a slight tint as it trickled through the arched stone windows. This tint was soon negated by a purple light which spontaneously appeared as the sound of childish laughter filled the air, quickly met and effectively ended by a stern, discontented voice.
1. Should be a period/dash/semi-colon/connective.
2. 'Caused'.
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"Wow..." uttered Oros, almost struck speechless as Dalarai smiled sadistically and began an attempt to form another orb of power. "Stop that, child 1. ." he said, shocked at how quickly and effortlessly his new protege had mastered such a spell 2. ... he hadn't even taught him how to disappate the energy in such a destructive fashion. 3. The boy must have more innate skills than I had originally realized he thought to himself as he led the boy outside for a quick test.
1. 'He' should be capitalised as there's a full stop. Alternatively, replace the period with a comma and all will be well.
2. You know what I'm going to say, don't you?
3. 'The boy must have more innate skills than I had originally realised, he thought to himself.'
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"Tha-that's enough for today." stuttered the old mage, wiping sweat from his brow and steadying himself. Dalarai just stood there laughing wildly as he realised what he had managed to do... never did he think himself capable of that.
The night fell quickly as the dark clouds gathered that night and Dusk praised the boy for his advancement...
STOP IT. SRSLY.
The Dark Artist.
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1. Pushing through the eerie foliage as the hooting of owls and screeching of bats accented the atmosphere whilst the cold night grew more and more bitter, the child found himself in the familiar clearing where he had practiced earlier. The line of scorched tree stumps were reminiscent of his earlier lesson, but the feeling in the air was much more sinister and somehow more pleasing to him. The echoing, deep tones of Dusk's voice began to instruct him in the magical secrets of the dark realm.
First, I want you to find the spot in which that sneevil was destroyed. Close your eyes and I shall help you search for his spirit energy. he ordered. As Dalarai closed his eyes tight he could see blue wisps throughout the clearing, some looked like animals, others like warriors from times long past and one, perhaps the brightest wisp, was shaped like a haggard old sneevil. 2. Opening his eyes Dalarai focused on the spot where the wisp had been. This energy is the freshest and will be the easiest to control. I am about to teach you how to reanimate the dead, the ancient skill of necromancy. First you must focus upon the source of the energy, find the parts to which it is connected. Now, with you mind, imagine the parts coming together, once again forming the lowly sneevil you wish to command. Dalarai remained silent, but in his eyes was a glint of focus as all over the clearing, bones began to float into the air... some charred, some with flesh still clinging to them.
1. You have a run-on sentence. I'd suggest, 'Pushing through the eerie foliage, the hooting of bats echoing from the trees, Dalarai quickly found himself in the clearing he had practised in earlier. The night air grew steadily more bitter as he stood there, shivering.'
2. There should be a comma between 'Opening his eyes' and 'Dalarai focused...'
quote:
Imagining the sneevil from earlier as the bones slowly hovered toward his 1. focus point, they began to form the basic skeletal structure of the creature, floating there as a lifeless reassembled corpse. 2. The next part is a little harder Dusk's voice permeated Dalarai's mind, almost guiding his body while instructing. You must command the spirit with your motions. Raise your open hand, focus on the bones and bind the spirit by closing your hand tight, imagining yourself squeezing it. This will give you a fully obedient minion to do your bidding. The bones began to shake as life returned to them, the sneevil growling and awaiting his new master's command.
Good work, child. Now, verbal commands are the most simple way to control an undead minion, but a more powerful mage can control the undead without so much as a whisper. Have your new minion perform a task for you. The boy was clearly very excited, a beaming smile across his pale lips as he spoke authoritatively toward the skeletal sneevil. "Sneevil! Go back to your home and bring me more sneevils to reanimate!" he ordered, grinning as the bony sneevil ran off into the dark woods, gnashing his sharp teeth together viciously. 2. An EXCELLENT plan. You are extremely intelligent for your age, but perhaps an army would be too much for you to handle right now. Have the minion bring the bones here for later practice Dusk advised, but Dalarai was reluctant to accept such a criticism of his abilities. 3. "I think I can take on a few little sneevils, Dusk." he sneered, as the bloodied minion returned carrying a wooden crate of bones that had been chewed clean of flesh. "Vicious little things though they might be." he chuckled to himself as he closed his eyes once again.
1. 'Focal'.
2. You're missing a comma at the end of Dusk's speech.
3. New line for speech.
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Every night he would return and gather more creatures to do his bidding, growing slowly more and more familiar and infatuated with his power. Dusk taught him more and more until soon, words were not required to control the dark army, they did whatever he wanted until the break of dawn, when he would stow the bones away.
Should be a period/semi-colon/dash/connective.
To Swordhaven!
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1. With the sunlight dappling his black apprentice robes and the pre-packed hamper of food and spare clothes, the dawn was upon Dalarai's hometown as he silently moved out into the bitter morning, a drake-pulled cart awaiting him by the dusty road which served as the only route of travel. Without breathing a word to his friends or adoptive parents, Dalarai Delrix disappeared from his old life as a freak in a small town forever, off to begin his new life as a mage-in-training at Swordhaven's prestigious Academy of Magic.
The journey was long and the driver, wearing an old brimmed hat and fireproofed overalls in case the drake became angered, barely said a word to him apart from demanding four hundred gold coins. Luckily, Dalarai had been given two thousand coins by Oros before his departure for incidental expenses and to aid the purchase of study equipment. Opening the doors of the cart 2. , Dalarai took a whiff of the city air, which smelt of freshly baked breads, incense and sweet meats laden with spices. Looking around he noticed many market stalls, with loud vendors attempting to peddle their wares to passing 3. travelers.
The most brilliant sight of all was Swordhaven Castle, where 4. King Slugwrath took up residence. The majesty of the iron gates, the high quality stonework, the archers and guards keeping watchful eyes over all the denizens of the town. Although Slugwrath did not have a good rapport amongst the peasants, he certainly had a sense of style that Dalarai could respect. Turning around, he became full of shock as he noticed a familiar face and unmistakable beard. Oros, in all of his wizardly glory. Dalarai wondered how long the mage had been observing him, but these thoughts were cut short with questions.
1. You have a run-on sentence.
2. A romantic view of a medieval city, no? Where's the reek of sewerage and other less salubrious things?
3. 'travellers'.
4. 'Where King Slugwrath resided.'
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"So, what do you think of Swordhaven, my boy?" 1. he asked in a jovial manner. "There is almost magic in the air, no?" 1. he continued, looking slightly mischievous as he gave a tug on his braided beard. Dalarai simply smiled in response, shocked by his teacher's sudden arrival. "I trust there were no complications in your journey, Dalarai. How much did it come to in the end?" 1. he inquired.
"It was fine, thank you Sir." Dalarai responded. "It came to four hundred in the end."
"Four hundred gold!?" barked Oros. "He's played you for a chump, lad. But I suppose you are clearly as green as you are blue." 1. he chuckled to himself. "I have made arrangements for your accommodation 2. , an old friend who owes me more than a couple of favors has agreed to take you in. Once upon a time he was my partner in battle, but nowadays he is the head of the city guard, Kyros Archeteuthis." Oros explained to Dalarai, who returned an air of confusion. "You'll find his house next to the White Gryphon Inn, in the third district. It will have a guard posted outside, but if you explain who you are to him, he should let you in with no problem." Oros winked and then vanished, seemingly into thin air.
1. These should all be capitalised.
2. This should be a period/semi-colon/dash-connective.
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1. As Dalarai pressed onward into the armory, greeted by the sight of an old man with long hair, an eye-patch, a bushy moustache and a rusted iron armor wielding a heavy black blade, but slicing a training dummy into several wooden blocks with expert speed and precision. The very spectacle unnerved Dalarai somewhat as the tall old man approached him with an outstretched hand. Accepting a rough handshake, Dalarai smiled politely as not to offend. 2. "Greetings, I am-" he began.
"Dalarai Delrix. Indeed." interrupted Kyros. "Oros told me you would be arriving today. I expected you to be a bit more impressive looking, the way he was talking about you. I suppose you mage types always look scrawny and malnourished." he quipped with a hearty chuckle, his deep voice booming across the training hall. "It's a pleasure to meet you, Dalarai 3. ... make yourself welcome here. After all, this is your home now. Since my sons have left for the big wide world of adventure, you can have Korallo's old room. It probably still has some of his magical thingamabobs laying around, as I know you're interested in those." he informed his new lodger.
1. Run-on.
2. Speech goes on a new line.
3. There should be a comma here.
Overview.
I'm obviously biased, but I love this story so far. I'll obviously follow it closely too and I want updates.
Spelling. Perfect.
Grammar/Punctuation. Aside from your awful reliance on ellipses, there's very little wrong with it, aside from the odd comma/period mix up. One thing I would say is that your writing style is very flamboyant; you need to strike a balance between that and simple sentences. A mixture of the two will improve your writing, in my opinion.
Description. Lots of it, well placed. I have no problem with the description in this.
Plot Development. Good, fast moving, without feeling rushed.
Character Development. The interplay between the two characters, Dalarai and Dusk, will be very interesting. Oros is suitably mysterious and Kyros seems the warm, welcoming type. Might he become a father figure to Dalarai at some point?
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