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Argeus the Paladin -> RE: Heaven's Wrath ~ Comments ~ Ch 4 and Ch 6- Major edits (11/6/2008 20:27:37)
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ORIGINAL: Me, courtesy to Jim Davis, Garfield author.
Look out, world.
I feel inVINcible today!
Story! I crave Stories!
That took you nearly three seconds, Jer. We'll do it better next time, shalln't we?
I am now out for an early morning stroll. Be a good girl and alert the media.
Hold up, traffic, here comes Argeus.
Okay, hopefully Crimzon has tested the hypothesis "You own a spellcheck" with 99% confidence and did not reject the null hypothesis. So I'll just pick up the bits and pieces that I err... feel like summoning Odin upon.
1) Chapter 1
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Deep underground, in a network of tunnels long forgotten by the outside world, danger was brewing. It sparked in the air, electrified the skin, and crawled along the damp earth like a thousand volts of electricity.
Actually, this feels like "pseudo-in-medias-res" to me. You began the story with one short sentence, and maybe it is just me, but it is my belief (and I'd defend it to the death) that you should begin the story with something that could /really/ draw interest. A short philosophy, mayhaps? Or maybe more description to empower the "danger was brewing"?
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There was only one thing inside the brilliantly lit area- a girl.
I don't think that "brilliant" would well apply to artificial lighting.
2) Chapter 2
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Adrianna. The word burned in her mind like a scar. Adrianna. I am not Adrianna. Adrianna is a normal human girl, not a freak. Not a monster. That’s my role. I am Arden, the eagle, the Changeling. I am a dream come to life, an impossibility made reality. I am a danger to mankind… and that’s the way I like it
Arden, as in the armor knight under the command of Sigurd the Knight Lord of Chalphy in Fire Emblem IV? [/joke]
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They were free Changelings, ones who had escaped the laboratories and cages of Section 8, the non-existent government program for creating extra special weapons. Weapons that had a name, and a spirit. Weapons that, if their plans failed, could think of another way to finish the job. Weapons specially equipped with built-in tools. In a word, Changelings.
Now, note that this is just my two-cents. Your theory seems to have been tied in with the beliefs of the conspiracy theory of the age long past, that which has been upheld by generations of US young people, of a manipulating government that is always secretly covering up strategical development of new technologies and isn't afraid of non-conventional methods to achieve the desired strategical goals. Like an evil Zhuge Liang. I cannot say that I take to this idea, but as long as you don't take it too far, it shall be okay.
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:Run, Tai! Get away while you still can!:
See what's wrong here?
3) Chapter 3
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Cheetah's didn't belong in the Amazon, but he had already traveled halfway around the world with his eagle partner, and would likely end up in even more unsuitable places.
The plural is "Cheetahs".
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I'm a cheetah, for heaven's sake! I belong in Africa, in a savannah, not in this tropical prison!
Another of my two cents. They are Morphlings... oops, Changelings (DotA Allstars v6.53 Reference). Their heart weren't animalistic in the first place. Look, they are genetically engineered humans, like Celes and Terra or Sephiroth and Cloud. It is hard to say that they /belong/ anywhere, because they belong to nowhere. Something like this would probably go well: "My battleground is Africa..."
4) Chapter 4
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She had shattered most of her pencils that way, and even pens could not stand up to the beating she was giving them. Eventually she had simply given up on homework- at least for now.
Take note: A pencil is made of wood, and pen plastic. Some kinds of plastic would break with ease. I, myself, have broken almost a dozen pens, but haven't once broken a pencil.
5) Chapter 5
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Arden! Arden, where are you?: A voice echoed into her mind, scattering those dangerous, uncontrollable thoughts. Pain dimly registered, and she realized that in her rage her nails had grown into talons- there was blood on her palms. Ignoring the pain, she called out to the speaker.
:Tai? Tai is that you?: Her voice, though she tried to sound strong, shook with relief and fear.
:Arden! I’m here. What’s wrong?: His words cut through the confusion and fury in her mind, bringing with them a clear, sweet peace.
:Oh, Tai! I- it’s-: Arden let out a shuddering sigh and opened up her mind. She felt Tai’s consciousness probing her mind, carefully at first then, as he saw the memory, withdrawing in shock.
:Oh, Arden.: His thoughts conveyed sorrow to her- and apprehension. :Arden, did you- kill?: Her silence gave him all the answer he needed. :I’m coming, Arden. Keep talking. Don’t give in! Don’t fall into the madness! C’mon, Arden, talk to me!:
:I’m here, Tai.:
:That’s good. Keep talking. Were you worried?:
:No, not really,: she lied easily, :I knew I’d escape, or something. If all else failed, you’d come for me eventually.: Talking to Tai was calming her down, forcing her to focus on him and not on- what had happened. Down the hall an orange streak appeared, slowly changing shape as it approached her. A man grew where the cheetah had been and strode toward her, still shifting. Arden fell into his arms, ignoring the retreating orange fur and the wicked, killing claws that had not quite vanished yet, and he held her slim figure, wordlessly comforting her.
An entire section. There appear to be more below, but I'll leave it at that.
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About ten feet in front of her stood a man and a woman, both taller than she by several inches.
Than HER.
6) Chapter 6
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He caught her foot, throwing her to the ground, but when he turned to follow up with another attack found himself tripped by her spin-kick, one of her favorite maneuvers.
Sounds like Jackie Chan, doesn't it?
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Bird-Changelings are smaller and more slender then ordinary humand- less mass to have to Change.
Two things. First, this time you got into the 1% rejection region of Crimzon's hypothesis. It is humanS. Second, just about how small? Judging that the density of a bird's body is around 2-3 times that of a human body, being small wouldn't help too much unless the difference is significant, which would give her up long before she got rescued. Have you ever seen a 14-year-old weighing 50 or so pounds?
That's about it for now. There are a few general questions, to sum it up.
1) How could Dante lose power when Arden was being held captive? Unless he chose to do similarly to himself.
2) Sending the children to a normal family doesn't seem to be the best choice of it all for a project doomed to fail. It would make it even easier for the experiment to run away and/or be rescued by the resistance. Think Sephiroth.
In all, you have done a good job to convey the idea of the experiment-driven outcasts and their struggle for the most basic of Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs called Survival. Congratulations.
To sum your story up until now...
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ORIGINAL: Marlene
Anyway, there was one SOLDIER called Sephiroth who was better than the rest. However, when he heard of the terrible experiments that made him, he began to hate Shinra. And in time, he began to hate everything.
Shinra, and the people against them. Sephiroth, who hated the world so much, he just wanted it to die away. And the people who wished to stop him.
There were lots of battles. For every battle, there was more sadness.
P.S. Changing the name of Astor is nice. Her name sounds like that of the Ostian thief in Fire Emblem VI (Ashtor, if I remember. I mainly use Chad to save my life.)
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