mastin2 -> RE: The great battle of L&L ~ Less flashyness more almost-doneness (7/25/2008 22:37:43)
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MM, you come first because, well, your story is first. =P NOTE: As some people may already know, I'm a pain with my 'comma critiques', which are just that--made entirely (or mostly) of comma opinions... quote:
personal life, this too starts pretty normal, average I'd put a comma after 'this' and 'starts'. quote:
I wasn’t drunk this time either. After all school would start the day after. I I'd put a comma after 'time' and 'all'. quote:
I turned off of the brightly lid road and into a dark alley I used as a shortcut. As always the alley was shrouded Was that intentional? Also, I'd put a comma after 'always'. quote:
In a reflex my elbow flew upwards to I'd put a comma after 'reflex'. quote:
But instead of hitting anything solid I only felt air, empty enemy-less, air. Curious as to what could’ve created this sound I turned around. But I'd put a comma after 'anything' and 'sound'. quote:
At this point my mind raced through just about every possibility. I went I'd put a comma after 'point'. quote:
Slowly his grey appeared to grow larger. Pretty his grey what? "the grey" or "his grey eyes" would work. Also, I might put a comma after 'Slowly'. quote:
Pretty soon his pupils where larger then his eyes. But it didn’t stop there, the grey grew even more, now appearing as a wall before me for only a brief second. Then I'd make the bolded comma a semicolon. I might also put a comma after 'soon'. quote:
And as I struggled to breath I inhaled it, the grey, it became part of my being. Or perhaps it became my being. As I lost myself in those eyes. 'breath' should be 'breathe', and I'd put a comma after 'breathe' as well. Also, the underlined parts were a little confusing. I got the meaning, but they seemed poorly worded. quote:
First the headaches came. Slowly I grew more and more sensitive to just about anything. Bright I'd probably put a comma after 'First' and 'Slowly'. quote:
After two days I couldn’t even look through my window at daytime anymore as the brightness of the sun made me feel as I'd put a comma after 'days'. I'd probably put a comma after 'anymore'. quote:
After four days my entire biological clock had shifted. I would I'd put a comma after 'days'. quote:
Naturally my parents called the police. He’s I might put a comma after 'Naturally'. quote:
Yesterday I woke up from my sleep I may put a comma after 'Yesterday'. quote:
I actually felt stronger then ever before. 'then' should be 'than'. quote:
But when I got downstairs I noticed not a single light was on, I heard there was no sound and I smelled there was no dinner cooked. I'd put a comma after 'downstairs'. Also, I'd make the current comma a semicolon. quote:
“They must have gone somewhere.” I told myself as I walked into the kitchen. Again, I hope that was intentional. Also, traditionally, thoughts are in Italics. quote:
I grabbed the first thing I saw lying around, and ate it. the comma is unnecessary; I'd drop it. quote:
I had tasted once before, but back then tasted horrible. I figured I might put a comma after 'then'. quote:
By it’s shape and size I recognised it as a grief card. I was intrigued by the fact someone had died. And curious as I am I examined the card. The I'd put a comma after 'size'. I'd also put 'that' after 'fact'. I'd also put a comma after 'am'. quote:
In it I saw the wall behind me. In it I saw the I might put a comma after both 'it's. quote:
back in that alley, I don’t know exactly why I ran there. I'd make the comma a semicolon. quote:
Answers or perhaps, even better, the man with the eyes. If so, I might put a comma after 'Answers'. quote:
This time the man with the grey eyes just appeared to me. No I might put a comma after 'time'. quote:
it or because he knew by now I could see better in the dark then I could at day. 'then' should be 'than'. Also, I may put a comma after 'knew' and 'now'. quote:
As the man walked up to me I noticed how the rotting smell had vanished into thin air. I'd put a comma after 'me'. quote:
This was extra strange as my smell had improved as dramatically as my other senses in the time I was sick. Later I’d realise my brain had already I might put a comma after 'strange'. I'd put a comma after 'Later'. quote:
“Who are you? And what did you do to me?” I asked the man with the grey eyes as I Just makin' sure. I'm fairly certain, by now, that it's style. But just makin' sure of it. quote:
I believe at this time you would call me a… Vampire? I'd probably put a comma after 'believe' and 'time'. Also, just making sure...you intentionally capitalized 'Vampire', right? quote:
I hypnotised you with my eyes, and then used my fangs to bite you and to suck your blood out of your body. Just so I could eat and live a considerable time longer then I’d do if I kept a healthy diet. As a result you have turned into a vampire yourself. I'd drop the first comma. The second 'then' should be 'than'. I'd put a comma after 'result'. quote:
You should be honoured, I rarely let anyone live long enough to become a vampire. Normally I kill them I'd make the comma a semicolon. Also, I'd put a comma after 'Normally'. quote:
As the stranger spoke his voice was cold and dry. As if I'd put a comma after 'spoke'. quote:
Which I figured would probably be just about correct, if what he said was true. Which I honestly thought it was for some reason too. Psst...repetition of 'Which' = bad... quote:
Under any other set of circumstances I would have I'd put a comma after 'circumstances'. quote:
I the mean time I had managed to get close enough by to look into his eyes again. The first 'I' should be 'In'. Also, I'd put a comma after 'time'. quote:
shade of grey, no, this time they where just an ordinary bright green. As I might make the second comma a semicolon. quote:
As I replied I couldn’t quite hide the disappointed tone in my voice. I'd put a comma after 'replied'. quote:
“So, I’m a vampire too now. How come I’m not dead pale then? And why aren’t I craving for blood? Or craving to kill anyone for that matter.” I'd put a comma after 'too' and 'anyone'. quote:
In his mocking reply all the stranger does is laugh, revealing two pretty long fangs. You really should put a comma after 'reply'. It was confusing at first glance. quote:
You’ll find out soon enough my child. I'd put a comma after 'enough'. quote:
With a diabolical laugh the stranger disappears I'd put a comma after 'laugh'. quote:
that shadow for hours on an end, I must have examined it in every conceivable way. drop the 'an'. Also, I'd make the comma a semicolon. quote:
When I finally gave up the sky was slowly brightening. I'd put a comma after 'up'. quote:
Without even thinking about it I walked into one of the empty buildings I'd put a comma after 'it'. quote:
The next morning, well you’d call it evening, I got up. I might put a comma after 'well'. quote:
My mind still slow from the hours of sleep I made my way onto the streets. While I'd put a comma after 'sleep'. quote:
While walking I caught myself on fantasizing about how I'd put a comma after 'walking'. quote:
Dazed I walked through the starlit night when I picked up a scent, I don’t know if it was the scent that stirred my sudden hunger or if it only drew me back onto earth long enough for me to finally notice the hunger. I'd put a comma after 'Dazed' and make the comma a semicolon. quote:
But fact was I was hungry, and I'd put 'the' after 'But'. quote:
quickly decided, I’d go and check out the thing I'd make the comma a semicolon. quote:
Several minutes later I had somehow crossed my I'd put a comma after 'later'. quote:
Just before I walked into the alley I remember thinking how strange it would be to find food in a deserted alley. But by now I was so hungry I didn’t care anyway. I'd put a comma after 'alley'. Also, 'remembered' seems like the wrong word. I'd put a comma after 'now'. Maybe one after 'hungry'. quote:
When I found the source of the smell however… I was I might put a comma after 'smell'. quote:
from deep within me a great sadness came forth. I'd put a comma after 'me'. quote:
Almost instantly she lets out a high-pitched scream I'd put a comma after 'instantly'. quote:
Upon the screen I can barely see a glimpse of smoking ashes. I'd put a comma after 'screen'. Unfortunately, I rushed this critique in the last five paragraphs or so. I'll give you my wrapup opinion in a few minutes. Wow. Great story. That's all I've got to say. Jerenda's turn. Unfortunately, this post is too long already, so I'll do it in a new post... -Mastin
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