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Sentharn -> RE: "Frenetic Tales" from a raptor (11/19/2008 19:13:20)
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Okay, here's the first in-depth nitty gritty ZOMG critique for the Frozen Cavern of Life. Remember, these are all my opinions, and can be used, discarded, whatever. XP.
quote:
No, I mustn't be. This is all just an illusion, for I do have friends and those I can call family.
This might just be me, but 'musn't be' implies that she's forbidden or unable to do something. Might 'couldn't be' work here?
quote:
She could feel the intensity of its warmth prancing upon her skin rythmically as it followed the beats of the crackling flames. Even so, she received no comfort knowing that he was still out there somewhere. Would she ever find him and what would happen if she finally did? Would he have completely forgotten? How could he, he is my brother.
Rythmically should be 'rhythmically', I think. I also think it might help to either add a comment or split the sentence below, to make it flow easier.
Instead of
"Even so, she received no comfort knowing that he was still out there somewhere."
Could be either
"Even so, she received no comfort, knowing that he was still out there somewhere."
Or possibly,
"Even so, she received no comfort, for she knew that he was still out there somewhere."
Same with the sentence below.
"Would she ever find him, and what would happen if she finally did?"
Or
"Would she ever find him? What would happen if she already did?
And as for the last sentence, I think it might work better as two sentences instead of one:
"How could he? He is my brother."
quote:
She immediately glared towards the cavern entrance, wishing such unfortunate thoughts to cease.
I'm curious as to why she's glaring at the entrance of the cave; what significance does it have with the connection of her thoughts?
quote:
I have gone this long without him haven't I? Yes I have and I've done a pretty good job so far. Although, what exactly was her motivation all this time? Simple, her brother. No matter what, it brought her back to him.
I think a comma could help in the first sentence. "I have gone on without him, haven't I?"
Also, in the first sentence, you don't use a contraction. In the second sentence, you do use a contraction for "I have" right after (ironically), "I have gone on..." You may want to consider changing the very first "I have" to "I've", so it'd be, "I've gone on without him, haven't I?"
Also, if you want to emphasize the point, you could say that it always brought her back to him, or something similar (not necessarily with italics though).
quote:
She took a few steps forward and hesitated before deciding to turn around. She faced the entrance and walked towards the outside world that lied beyond the cave. She could see the beauty in white. The snow, how she loved it so very much. There was something special about it that kept her begging for more and crying out for joy at the sight of it.
There's some oddities with tense here, at least to my eye. "She took a few steps forward and hesitated before deciding..."
This could be left there, or you could change it all to past tense, "She took a few steps forward and hesitated before she decided to turn around."
The last sentence seems a little long, perhaps you could split it up or make it into two separate sentences?
You could reinforce that 'something' by mentioning it twice, such as: "There was something special about it [or possibly 'the snow' instead of 'it' if you wanted to really make it stick], something that kept her begging for more, crying for joy at the sight of it."
You could also use an 'and' in place of the last comma.
quote:
She reached the entry walls and stopped, seeking out something within the blizzard just outside.
What's an entry wall? Cave entrance?
quote:
The girl in a constant giggle, taunting her mother to catch her.
I don't know how someone can be 'in' a constant giggle. Perhaps something like "constantly giggled," or "was constantly giggling" if you want to put up with 'was'?
Jenny continued to watch, noticing that the falling snow was no longer crashing to the ground in sheets, but cascading downward upon a white padded blanket.
quote:
A tear drop formed out of the corner of her eye. There they were, lying upon the ground making snow angels. That was all it took before that single tear escaped from her eye and traced down her cheek. She released a sigh at the thought of angels. Why oh why did she have to depart from this world?
I think 'tear drop' is one word in this context. To ease flow, it might help to put an 'and' in the second sentence: "There they were, lying upon the ground and making snow angles."
In the third sentence, there's two suggestions I have: instead of 'before', perhaps something like, 'for that' or 'to cause that'? Also, the verb might need to be changed, so maybe something like, "That was all it took for that single tear to escape from her eye..." Usually, 'traced' is acompanied by something like, 'its way', so perhaps the third sentence could be something like,
"That was all it too for that single tear to escape from her eye and trace its way down her cheek."
"Released" a sigh seems a bit low-energy...perhaps 'heaved' or 'chocked out' a sigh?
Last, I think there should be commas in the last sentence. "Why, oh why did she have to..."
quote:
There was no real paradise, only created by that of man. Enstar was authentic enough, but it just didn't seem right in such a world of pain and suffering.
I'm not sure what you're trying to say here, it's a little confusing. Did you mean, "only that created by man," or something similar?
quote:
It will never end and there will always be problems.
Commas for flow. "It will never end, and there will always be problems."
quote:
How foolish of me to be so startled over such a little thing.
If you want to really emphasize this, you might want to put an exclamation mark at the end. "How foolish of me to be startled over such a little thing!"
quote:
Jenny hesitantly turned around and caught sight of something amazing. From out of the fire, there appeared a woman. Everything about her was beautiful, from her flowing blonde hair to that gorgeous bluish green gown. Even that broadsword she possessed appeared with magnificence. Complete awe had overwhelmed her and she couldn't find the words to speak.
Why did she hesitantly turn to face an unusual sound? Perhaps saying 'slowly' might work?
Saying "that" gorgeous bluish green gown when it hasn't been introduced yet sounds a little awkward--"her" gorgeous bluish-green gown might work better.
"...appeared with magnificence." I know what you're trying to say, I have to think a bit about a more less clunky way to say it. Hmmm..
Maybe something like, "shone with magnificence."? This is kind of a strange context for "appeared".
Last, who was awed?
quote:
"It is nice to meet you Jenny. How are you doing? The woman eyed her, urging her on to tell. "Is anything wrong?" She continued her efforts in persuasion.
This is one of the minor examples about how I think that sometimes the story moves a little too 'fast'--the woman just appears and starts egging Jenny on to answer. Perhaps you could elaborate, stretch it out a little, describe how Jenny is unwilling to speak at first?
quote:
Jenny looked towards the ground and crossed her arms. Where in the world did this woman come from and why is she here speaking to me? Either way, it was no use ignoring her. She wouldn't get anywhere being rude. She went along and spoke up. "Well, there is something on my mind, but I don't see why it is important. It only causes me grief just thinking about it"
I think the second sentence could use a comma. "Where in the world did this woman come from, and why is she speaking to me?"
This is where I thought Jenny seemed to react a little *too* casually to the situation.
quote:
The woman stepped away from the fire and approached her, hoping that she would speak her mind. She received not a word, though she at least got her to look into her eyes. The Sister of Life put her arm around Jenny to comfort her, shielding her from the cold. She could feel Jenny's warmth battling against the frigid air as her body shivered. "That is understandable. At least come back to the fire with me and we can warm ourselves up. Especially for your sake. I wouldn't want you catching a cold. You may also want to wear that fur coat you have lying next to the fire over there. That short sleeve shirt of yours does you no good. You should know that."
How do we know what the woman is hoping/thinking? Who got to look into who's eyes, and how does this contribute to the storyline? (You could probably elaborate about the eyes if they're an important aspect of the story). How do we know who the Sister of Life is suddenly, and why is Jenny so important to her? (I may ask questions like this often in the critiques; I ask them to get you thinking about how you could elaborate on the questions us lowly readers might have).
quote:
Fully aware of how much this woman rambled on to her like her mother, Jenny couldn't help but play along. "Yes, mother." Sure, it was a sarcastic comment, but she didn't mean any disrespect. It was kind of a compliment, considering most never cared for her safety.
You could add some more emphasis to the opposing thoughts of the first sentence with an 'Although..." or similar. Also, the 'to her' could be considered redundant if you want to streamline. "Although she was fully aware of how much this woman rambled on like her mother, Jenny couldn't help but play along." Also, most what never cared for her safety? Mothers? Outrageously gorgeous women who step from fires?
quote:
They both went off towards the fire. "I guess that did come off as a bit much, but I couldn't really resist. I did get you to smile didn't I? Come on, you know I did. Don't deny it."
"Went off" could be replaced with a more 'high energy' verb if you're not looking for a particular effect. This entire passage is rather casual, but if you're looking for a 'mother-daughter conversation' effect it works pretty well. I personally, however, would still be too freaked to speak if I saw someone who acted like my mother just step out of a campfire in an icy cavern.
quote:
"Yeah, I guess you got me there." Showing little enthusiasm, she simply agreed with the woman. She couldn't believe she was actually following along. She wasn't sure how much more she could handle.
Almost every sentence has 'she' as a subject. You could replace one of the sentence subjects with "Jenny", or you could, say, turn second (and even the last) sentence into thoughts. "I can't believe I'm actually following along! I wonder how much more of this I can put up with."
quote:
What she didn't know was that the Sister of Life had a request for her, one that she hoped she would accept. "Before I get to the reason why I am here, is there anything you really want in life? Let me know now before I go ahead with what I must say." She gave Jenny an encouraging glance.
How would Jenny know what the Sister of Life wanted? Also, this is another of those rather casual paragraphs, but again, I know you might be looking for a certain effect by doing this.
quote:
"There are a few things. I really want to see my brother Velox. I also want to visit mother one last time. Then there is this other problem that has been nagging me. Why do I have this strange ability to transform into this wierd bat thing?" Jenny paused while she thought of something else. There was still that thing that Aquaria had done to her weapons. What exactly was it that she did to them? She had to know. Giving it a second thought, she didn't really want to know. For all she knew, Morkeleb could have gone and pulled a prank on her and enchanted her stilettos with something totally absurd. She wasn't going there no matter what. No way, completely off limits. "Yeah, I guess that's it." She was unconvincingly satisfied and kept quiet for the woman to speak.
This entire paragraph is a bit rambly. To start off, you could emphasize 'are', if you wanted to make it appear that Jenny is slightly unwilling to speak. "Well, there are a few things..."
And using the elipses could be a good effect as well.
Jenny's speaking through most of the first section. If you wanted to spice it up, you could insert some thoughts or actions here.
"There are a few things...I really want to see my brother Velox. I also want to visit my mother one last time." Jenny hadn't gotten to see her mother before she had passed from her world. "Then there is this other..."
"Wierd' should be "weird". Also, I know this is a bit of foreshadowing, but you might want to make it a *little* more obvious--I totally missed it the first time. Also, what's this about Aquaria and Morkeleb? Why is it off-limits? Is this going to be explained later? Perhaps it could be elaborated on a little, unless you're purposefully not telling the reader?
quote:
"Ok, I understand." Jenny replied on the spur of the moment. She had no idea what she was agreeing to, only that this strange, yet beautiful woman had a peculiar offer. Hopefully she wasn't getting herself into a heap of trouble again. Having listened to the offer of saving the world, negotiating the terms of agreement, and discussing god knows what for the past hour, they had struck a deal. Jenny was confident and so was the Sister of Life. All that needed to be done was to get to this city where she was to start her battle against these diabolical creatures brought forth by the Sister of Wisdom. The Sister's imprisonment had to remain, for if she were to escape, all would come to an end.
"On the spur of the moment," are you referring to a sudden choice or just saying "OK" because she felt like it?
The second sentence is a bit clunky. It might sound better by saying something like, "She had no idea what she was agreeing to, she only knew that..."
This way, each section has its own verb and subject.
I'm getting a vague impression that time passed, but it's not very clear. Maybe you could actually split the story into another section here, or put in an interlude or divide or somesuch to make it appear as though time is/has passed? Or even just say, "An hour passed." And last, what is this about the Imprisonment?
quote:
"I've got one more question. How am I getting to Serafew all the way from here?" Jenny had that dumbfounded look of impossibility.
"Had" seems rather low energy. Perhaps something like, "That dumbfounded look of impossibility resided on Jenny's face?"
quote:
"That's no problem. I will have you there in a jiffy. Make sure you have everything and tell me when your ready. You'll be there before you know it." She concluded with an enormous grin.
I thought 'jiffy' was a bit odd, but I'm beginning to think that's how the Sister of Life speaks. "your" should be "you're". Also, the last spoken sentence might sound better with a comma instead of a period. "You'll be there before you know it," she concluded with an enormous grin.
quote:
Something definitely seemed a bit fishy, but where was the adventure in knowing what was up. Ignoring all doubts and erasing all facial expressions of perplexion, she was as ready as ever. "Alright, I am all set. I've got everything I came here with." She faced the woman and stood at attention. At least as close as she could. She certainly wasn't the disciplined type.
The first sentence should end in a ? if it's a question. Also, if Jenny uses contractions, you may want to replace "I am" with "I'm", especially since she says "I've" in the next sentence.
Last, the second and third-to-last sentences could be combined: "She faced the woman and stood at attention, or at least as close as she could.
quote:
A moment later, Jenny was lying upon a cozy bed within an inn without a clue as to where she was. This was going to be just another day in her so called life. But where to start?
How does she know she's in an inn?
Well, there's my ubercritique of the first chapter. I think that these are so-called 'issues' that are in most of the chapters--fix these here and you should be pretty set! I'll do the next chapters when I have time so you'll have more examples of what to look for.
By the way, you could probably use a little more description of the character's surroundings or environment--not much, but a little would be good, since you have a fairly good grasp on what's required. But also keep in mind--subtlety, subtlety!
Good luck with these, I'll get cracking on the next chapter soon!
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