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"Frenetic Tales" from a raptor

 
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11/16/2008 20:17:58   
Frenetic Raptor
Member

Okay, time to get back into the swing of things. I have been gone far too long from the creative writing forums. This thread is for comments, if any, on all my short stories and excerpts within these "Frenetic Tales". Without further delay, I am going to post up some random writings to start off with and go from there. Stay tuned for further updates as I get things moving along once again

1. Frozen Cavern of Life

2. Thunderous Mansion of Time

3. Transforming the Battlefront

4. Tormented by Forgotten Memories

5. Dreaming of a Tragic Existence

6. What Lies Within: An Unexplained Exile

7. Illusions in Exile

8. A Fragile Balance

9. Sanctuary of Disbelief

10. Hopeful Frustrations

11. A New Beginning

12. A Broken Spirit

13. Cruel Sacrifices

14. Perishable Conflictions

15. A Sinister Agenda

16. Frozen Cavern of Life (Book of Winter) (New!)

< Message edited by Frenetic Raptor -- 5/29/2010 14:34:45 >
Post #: 1
11/18/2008 17:49:16   
Sentharn
Member

Hiya!

I just finished reading "Frozen Cavern of Life"--what a fascinating story!
You used emotion and thoughts to good effect, as well as good, solid descriptions of the environment; The description of the snow-bound landscape seemed quite poetic to me.
I also like how you gradually reveal facts, such as her mother's departure from her world.

There are some areas that I personally think are a little odd. The language seems a bit strange; words such as "jiffy" and "thing" don't really seem to 'fit' (but I haven't read enough yet to get a clear read on the world in which this story takes place). Also, I personally would be more than a little freaked and suspicious if someone just appeared in *my* snowy cavern (Not that I live in a cavern, you understand)--Unless this is normal for Jenny?

Good, solid stuff--I'm looking forward to reading further when I get a little more free time!
Post #: 2
11/18/2008 22:57:41   
Frenetic Raptor
Member

Sentharn, thank you so much for the comments. I can see where the language is a bit strange at times, such as the examples you have pointed out. For the Sister of Life I tried to make her words a bit informal, friendly, and slightly strange, sometimes a bit excessively. She is supposed to represent life. At least that is what I was going for with her portrayal.

As for Jenny, her acceptence of strangers comes natural. This can be read as a sign weakness and the desire to be with others. Of course, with such a desire comes the risk of easily getting hurt. The cavern is not really her home, though it isn't clearly stated in the piece, which will need to be included in my next revision. It is a temporary refuge from the elements.

The "Thunderous Mansion of Time" and "Transforming the Battlefront" are part two and three of this short story. "Tormentation by Forgotten Memories" isn't a continuation that follows right after "Transforming the Battlefront", but it does take place in the near future after the previous events. Unfortunately, the pieces in between are still incomplete, but are fragments of a larger, developing picture. I am still trying to get myself established and ready to start the main feature stories I have planned. Once again, I appreciate the thoughtful feedback.

< Message edited by Frenetic Raptor -- 11/18/2008 23:44:04 >
Post #: 3
11/19/2008 0:09:11   
Sentharn
Member

No problem, I enjoy reading good stories.

I've got a little more free time, so I'll go through one or two of the other stories and see how it fits together as a whole. I'm just going to warn you right now that these are all my own ideas, you can use or reject them, etc, etc, I won't get offended since I'm not really an expert at this.

Okay, overall the story flows fairly well, however, there are some strange things going on. I don't have time tonight to go into an in-depth review of each issue but I should sometime tomorrow or thereafter.

Some of the revelations are a little bit *too* sudden or out-of-the-blue; Jenny's...changes are unexpectedly sudden, for example. Also, how does she know who, say, the Sister of Time is? If she is part of (for example) a religion or is a deity/supernatural being that a good amount of the populous knows about, perhaps it could be explained for the reader's benefit, so us lowly mortals know exactly what is being dealt with? Also, these names that just appear without any introduction are a little confusing (the names of the beasts, etc). It might do good to introduce them, either earlier in the story (not necessarily *where* they first appear, but maybe as a passing though or dialogue)

From where the POV switches from Jenny to Shariana in Transforming the Battlefront, it might be a good idea to insert a separator--it breaks the flow so the reader knows for certain that something is happening, be it a change of time or a POV switch.

Again, good use of emotions, although the story is a little unclear in certain parts--for example, it isn't apparent if/when a certain Sister appeared in a certain mansion, or if she was there the entire time, etc.

Last, there are a few grammar oddities that interfere a bit with the flow of the story, but aren't too bad. There's some places where you might have too many commas, or don't have a new paragraph when you should (Generally, every time someone new speaks, or after someone completes their dialog, a new paragraph should be added, but that's just me). If it's all right with you, I'd be willing to go through the stories tomorrow and point out what I think could possibly be changed.

You've got a very fascinating world here!

Post #: 4
11/19/2008 0:27:05   
Frenetic Raptor
Member

Thanks again. Feel free to go through and rip the story completely apart. No criticism or suggestion is too harsh for me. It will help me greatly in finding a quality standard of writing I am comfortable with before moving on to one of my nine larger stories I've got planned.
Post #: 5
11/19/2008 19:13:20   
Sentharn
Member

Okay, here's the first in-depth nitty gritty ZOMG critique for the Frozen Cavern of Life. Remember, these are all my opinions, and can be used, discarded, whatever. XP.

quote:


No, I mustn't be. This is all just an illusion, for I do have friends and those I can call family.


This might just be me, but 'musn't be' implies that she's forbidden or unable to do something. Might 'couldn't be' work here?


quote:

She could feel the intensity of its warmth prancing upon her skin rythmically as it followed the beats of the crackling flames. Even so, she received no comfort knowing that he was still out there somewhere. Would she ever find him and what would happen if she finally did? Would he have completely forgotten? How could he, he is my brother.


Rythmically should be 'rhythmically', I think. I also think it might help to either add a comment or split the sentence below, to make it flow easier.

Instead of

"Even so, she received no comfort knowing that he was still out there somewhere."

Could be either

"Even so, she received no comfort, knowing that he was still out there somewhere."

Or possibly,

"Even so, she received no comfort, for she knew that he was still out there somewhere."

Same with the sentence below.

"Would she ever find him, and what would happen if she finally did?"

Or

"Would she ever find him? What would happen if she already did?

And as for the last sentence, I think it might work better as two sentences instead of one:

"How could he? He is my brother."


quote:

She immediately glared towards the cavern entrance, wishing such unfortunate thoughts to cease.


I'm curious as to why she's glaring at the entrance of the cave; what significance does it have with the connection of her thoughts?

quote:

I have gone this long without him haven't I? Yes I have and I've done a pretty good job so far. Although, what exactly was her motivation all this time? Simple, her brother. No matter what, it brought her back to him.


I think a comma could help in the first sentence. "I have gone on without him, haven't I?"

Also, in the first sentence, you don't use a contraction. In the second sentence, you do use a contraction for "I have" right after (ironically), "I have gone on..." You may want to consider changing the very first "I have" to "I've", so it'd be, "I've gone on without him, haven't I?"

Also, if you want to emphasize the point, you could say that it always brought her back to him, or something similar (not necessarily with italics though).

quote:

She took a few steps forward and hesitated before deciding to turn around. She faced the entrance and walked towards the outside world that lied beyond the cave. She could see the beauty in white. The snow, how she loved it so very much. There was something special about it that kept her begging for more and crying out for joy at the sight of it.


There's some oddities with tense here, at least to my eye. "She took a few steps forward and hesitated before deciding..."

This could be left there, or you could change it all to past tense, "She took a few steps forward and hesitated before she decided to turn around."

The last sentence seems a little long, perhaps you could split it up or make it into two separate sentences?
You could reinforce that 'something' by mentioning it twice, such as: "There was something special about it [or possibly 'the snow' instead of 'it' if you wanted to really make it stick], something that kept her begging for more, crying for joy at the sight of it."

You could also use an 'and' in place of the last comma.


quote:

She reached the entry walls and stopped, seeking out something within the blizzard just outside.


What's an entry wall? Cave entrance?

quote:

The girl in a constant giggle, taunting her mother to catch her.


I don't know how someone can be 'in' a constant giggle. Perhaps something like "constantly giggled," or "was constantly giggling" if you want to put up with 'was'?


Jenny continued to watch, noticing that the falling snow was no longer crashing to the ground in sheets, but cascading downward upon a white padded blanket.

quote:

A tear drop formed out of the corner of her eye. There they were, lying upon the ground making snow angels. That was all it took before that single tear escaped from her eye and traced down her cheek. She released a sigh at the thought of angels. Why oh why did she have to depart from this world?


I think 'tear drop' is one word in this context. To ease flow, it might help to put an 'and' in the second sentence: "There they were, lying upon the ground and making snow angles."
In the third sentence, there's two suggestions I have: instead of 'before', perhaps something like, 'for that' or 'to cause that'? Also, the verb might need to be changed, so maybe something like, "That was all it took for that single tear to escape from her eye..." Usually, 'traced' is acompanied by something like, 'its way', so perhaps the third sentence could be something like,

"That was all it too for that single tear to escape from her eye and trace its way down her cheek."

"Released" a sigh seems a bit low-energy...perhaps 'heaved' or 'chocked out' a sigh?

Last, I think there should be commas in the last sentence. "Why, oh why did she have to..."


quote:

There was no real paradise, only created by that of man. Enstar was authentic enough, but it just didn't seem right in such a world of pain and suffering.


I'm not sure what you're trying to say here, it's a little confusing. Did you mean, "only that created by man," or something similar?

quote:

It will never end and there will always be problems.


Commas for flow. "It will never end, and there will always be problems."

quote:

How foolish of me to be so startled over such a little thing.


If you want to really emphasize this, you might want to put an exclamation mark at the end. "How foolish of me to be startled over such a little thing!"

quote:

Jenny hesitantly turned around and caught sight of something amazing. From out of the fire, there appeared a woman. Everything about her was beautiful, from her flowing blonde hair to that gorgeous bluish green gown. Even that broadsword she possessed appeared with magnificence. Complete awe had overwhelmed her and she couldn't find the words to speak.


Why did she hesitantly turn to face an unusual sound? Perhaps saying 'slowly' might work?

Saying "that" gorgeous bluish green gown when it hasn't been introduced yet sounds a little awkward--"her" gorgeous bluish-green gown might work better.

"...appeared with magnificence." I know what you're trying to say, I have to think a bit about a more less clunky way to say it. Hmmm..
Maybe something like, "shone with magnificence."? This is kind of a strange context for "appeared".

Last, who was awed?

quote:

"It is nice to meet you Jenny. How are you doing? The woman eyed her, urging her on to tell. "Is anything wrong?" She continued her efforts in persuasion.


This is one of the minor examples about how I think that sometimes the story moves a little too 'fast'--the woman just appears and starts egging Jenny on to answer. Perhaps you could elaborate, stretch it out a little, describe how Jenny is unwilling to speak at first?

quote:

Jenny looked towards the ground and crossed her arms. Where in the world did this woman come from and why is she here speaking to me? Either way, it was no use ignoring her. She wouldn't get anywhere being rude. She went along and spoke up. "Well, there is something on my mind, but I don't see why it is important. It only causes me grief just thinking about it"


I think the second sentence could use a comma. "Where in the world did this woman come from, and why is she speaking to me?"

This is where I thought Jenny seemed to react a little *too* casually to the situation.

quote:

The woman stepped away from the fire and approached her, hoping that she would speak her mind. She received not a word, though she at least got her to look into her eyes. The Sister of Life put her arm around Jenny to comfort her, shielding her from the cold. She could feel Jenny's warmth battling against the frigid air as her body shivered. "That is understandable. At least come back to the fire with me and we can warm ourselves up. Especially for your sake. I wouldn't want you catching a cold. You may also want to wear that fur coat you have lying next to the fire over there. That short sleeve shirt of yours does you no good. You should know that."


How do we know what the woman is hoping/thinking? Who got to look into who's eyes, and how does this contribute to the storyline? (You could probably elaborate about the eyes if they're an important aspect of the story). How do we know who the Sister of Life is suddenly, and why is Jenny so important to her? (I may ask questions like this often in the critiques; I ask them to get you thinking about how you could elaborate on the questions us lowly readers might have).


quote:

Fully aware of how much this woman rambled on to her like her mother, Jenny couldn't help but play along. "Yes, mother." Sure, it was a sarcastic comment, but she didn't mean any disrespect. It was kind of a compliment, considering most never cared for her safety.


You could add some more emphasis to the opposing thoughts of the first sentence with an 'Although..." or similar. Also, the 'to her' could be considered redundant if you want to streamline. "Although she was fully aware of how much this woman rambled on like her mother, Jenny couldn't help but play along." Also, most what never cared for her safety? Mothers? Outrageously gorgeous women who step from fires?

quote:

They both went off towards the fire. "I guess that did come off as a bit much, but I couldn't really resist. I did get you to smile didn't I? Come on, you know I did. Don't deny it."


"Went off" could be replaced with a more 'high energy' verb if you're not looking for a particular effect. This entire passage is rather casual, but if you're looking for a 'mother-daughter conversation' effect it works pretty well. I personally, however, would still be too freaked to speak if I saw someone who acted like my mother just step out of a campfire in an icy cavern.

quote:

"Yeah, I guess you got me there." Showing little enthusiasm, she simply agreed with the woman. She couldn't believe she was actually following along. She wasn't sure how much more she could handle.


Almost every sentence has 'she' as a subject. You could replace one of the sentence subjects with "Jenny", or you could, say, turn second (and even the last) sentence into thoughts. "I can't believe I'm actually following along! I wonder how much more of this I can put up with."

quote:

What she didn't know was that the Sister of Life had a request for her, one that she hoped she would accept. "Before I get to the reason why I am here, is there anything you really want in life? Let me know now before I go ahead with what I must say." She gave Jenny an encouraging glance.


How would Jenny know what the Sister of Life wanted? Also, this is another of those rather casual paragraphs, but again, I know you might be looking for a certain effect by doing this.

quote:

"There are a few things. I really want to see my brother Velox. I also want to visit mother one last time. Then there is this other problem that has been nagging me. Why do I have this strange ability to transform into this wierd bat thing?" Jenny paused while she thought of something else. There was still that thing that Aquaria had done to her weapons. What exactly was it that she did to them? She had to know. Giving it a second thought, she didn't really want to know. For all she knew, Morkeleb could have gone and pulled a prank on her and enchanted her stilettos with something totally absurd. She wasn't going there no matter what. No way, completely off limits. "Yeah, I guess that's it." She was unconvincingly satisfied and kept quiet for the woman to speak.


This entire paragraph is a bit rambly. To start off, you could emphasize 'are', if you wanted to make it appear that Jenny is slightly unwilling to speak. "Well, there are a few things..."
And using the elipses could be a good effect as well.

Jenny's speaking through most of the first section. If you wanted to spice it up, you could insert some thoughts or actions here.

"There are a few things...I really want to see my brother Velox. I also want to visit my mother one last time." Jenny hadn't gotten to see her mother before she had passed from her world. "Then there is this other..."

"Wierd' should be "weird". Also, I know this is a bit of foreshadowing, but you might want to make it a *little* more obvious--I totally missed it the first time. Also, what's this about Aquaria and Morkeleb? Why is it off-limits? Is this going to be explained later? Perhaps it could be elaborated on a little, unless you're purposefully not telling the reader?

quote:

"Ok, I understand." Jenny replied on the spur of the moment. She had no idea what she was agreeing to, only that this strange, yet beautiful woman had a peculiar offer. Hopefully she wasn't getting herself into a heap of trouble again. Having listened to the offer of saving the world, negotiating the terms of agreement, and discussing god knows what for the past hour, they had struck a deal. Jenny was confident and so was the Sister of Life. All that needed to be done was to get to this city where she was to start her battle against these diabolical creatures brought forth by the Sister of Wisdom. The Sister's imprisonment had to remain, for if she were to escape, all would come to an end.


"On the spur of the moment," are you referring to a sudden choice or just saying "OK" because she felt like it?

The second sentence is a bit clunky. It might sound better by saying something like, "She had no idea what she was agreeing to, she only knew that..."
This way, each section has its own verb and subject.

I'm getting a vague impression that time passed, but it's not very clear. Maybe you could actually split the story into another section here, or put in an interlude or divide or somesuch to make it appear as though time is/has passed? Or even just say, "An hour passed." And last, what is this about the Imprisonment?

quote:

"I've got one more question. How am I getting to Serafew all the way from here?" Jenny had that dumbfounded look of impossibility.


"Had" seems rather low energy. Perhaps something like, "That dumbfounded look of impossibility resided on Jenny's face?"

quote:


"That's no problem. I will have you there in a jiffy. Make sure you have everything and tell me when your ready. You'll be there before you know it." She concluded with an enormous grin.


I thought 'jiffy' was a bit odd, but I'm beginning to think that's how the Sister of Life speaks. "your" should be "you're". Also, the last spoken sentence might sound better with a comma instead of a period. "You'll be there before you know it," she concluded with an enormous grin.


quote:

Something definitely seemed a bit fishy, but where was the adventure in knowing what was up. Ignoring all doubts and erasing all facial expressions of perplexion, she was as ready as ever. "Alright, I am all set. I've got everything I came here with." She faced the woman and stood at attention. At least as close as she could. She certainly wasn't the disciplined type.


The first sentence should end in a ? if it's a question. Also, if Jenny uses contractions, you may want to replace "I am" with "I'm", especially since she says "I've" in the next sentence.
Last, the second and third-to-last sentences could be combined: "She faced the woman and stood at attention, or at least as close as she could.

quote:


A moment later, Jenny was lying upon a cozy bed within an inn without a clue as to where she was. This was going to be just another day in her so called life. But where to start?


How does she know she's in an inn?

Well, there's my ubercritique of the first chapter. I think that these are so-called 'issues' that are in most of the chapters--fix these here and you should be pretty set! I'll do the next chapters when I have time so you'll have more examples of what to look for.

By the way, you could probably use a little more description of the character's surroundings or environment--not much, but a little would be good, since you have a fairly good grasp on what's required. But also keep in mind--subtlety, subtlety!

Good luck with these, I'll get cracking on the next chapter soon!
Post #: 6
11/20/2008 0:03:59   
Frenetic Raptor
Member

Wow, that is quite a critique. I really like it. I agree with just about all you have suggested and I will make the necessary changes in the next day or two. It is going to take me a little bit to go through and fix them all. Mainly putting in the missing details. I can't thank you enough for taking your time to do this. I am sure it will be easier for me to catch these issues beforehand as I become more familiar with my writing.
Post #: 7
11/20/2008 1:33:13   
Sentharn
Member

That's what happens when I actually focus on one thing for an hour instead of multitasking.
If possible, I'd recommend you try to get other people to critique you as well, so you base your fixes on one opinion--you don't want to write exactly like me, do you? (No, you don't. XP)
It's possible to talk with other writers during the day on IRC; are you familiar with the IRC system? Legends and Lore has it's own channel on irc.caelestia.net. It's called (surprisingly) #legendsandlore. Come drop by if you've got a chance, writers tend to gather there during the evenings and on the weekends.

Have you seen this? http://forums2.battleon.com/f/tm.asp?m=14780786
It's a place where you can request critiques for your works. If you want more opinions, you could start by asking there.

There's one more thing I'd like to point out, and I realize this is probably part of your style: you tend to write (including on the forums) in short little bursts. Your sentences are complete, but there's some that you could combine with commas or conjunctions. Even based on your post above, there's sentences that could be combined: "Wow, that's quite a critique, [comma] I really like it." Little things like that. It's not much of an issue, and it wasn't too prevailent in the stories, so I think you're fine. It's all about the style; go with what feels right for you.

I'll see if I can't work on the other story tomorrow.

Post #: 8
11/21/2008 21:31:22   
Crimzon5
Member

I'll start with errors:

quote:

It is here that I rest seperated

It's 'separated'

quote:

her skin rythmically

'rhythmically' might be the word you're looking for

quote:

About five yards from that tree she could see a little girl and a young woman chasing after her.

It makes it look like that the little girl and her mother are after Jenny. I have a few options/suggestions:
1) a little girl, and a young woman chasing after her
2) a little girl and a young woman chasing after her daughter

quote:

transform into this wierd bat thing

'weird bat-thing'

quote:

Don't worry, I shall not let you down

the fact that those 2 sentences are independent would mean that a semi-colon instead od a comma is more appropriate.

quote:

when your ready.

should be 'you're' because 'you're' = you are and 'your' = a possessive pronoun

quote:

expressions of perplexion

perplexion isn't in my dictionary.

Anyways, I liked the story. The way the rising actions takes place. I would like to see what's so fishy with her companion... but I'll have to do some stuff first.

_____________________________


Can you see the Visions?
AQ DF  Post #: 9
12/17/2008 0:43:50   
Frenetic Raptor
Member

I have finished most of the revisions for the "Frozen Cavern of Life". There are still some that need to be thought over a bit more before I make the needed changes, but those will be corrected soon enough. Thank you Sentharn and Crimzon5 for your critiques. I have also posted up another passage, which isn't a recent one, but one of my older works. I am still trying to get all my writing back on here. There will actually be some brand new writings soon.

The passage is titled, Dreaming of a Tragic Existence

< Message edited by Frenetic Raptor -- 12/17/2008 1:12:35 >
Post #: 10
12/19/2008 0:52:03   
Frenetic Raptor
Member

Okay, I've added just about the entire collection of my short and mostly random writing passages here that I once had. All of these posts can be read individually as they have no real link to each other, except the first three. Even so, it isn't really necessary to read those three in any particular order either as they are only loosely connected.

< Message edited by Frenetic Raptor -- 12/19/2008 0:53:17 >
Post #: 11
12/21/2008 17:52:06   
Fleur Du Mal
Member

Hello!

Since you told that these stories can be read individually, I took a random pick and enjoyed the Sanctuary of Disbelief

And I say enjoyed, because your style was very captivating. I loved the mood, the eerie atmosphere, and the strange feel of isolation I sensed in there. I think the way you portray the story; the tone of your narrative voice is quite beautiful. There were however, some cumbersome sentence structure that occasionally confused me; you might want to check and maybe edit some of those; I listed them below.

I don't know if I can give you any well defined /general/ points you may way to check when editing. I did feel as if the enchantment you pulled me into the story with unravelled a bit towards the ending, though. Maybe that was because you went from the building of the mood to some events that might have needed more description or background? With the events introduced (the appearance of the inn), I might have wanted more clearer landmarks, as well as some more distinct hints and points what the place is all about. Now, the dreamy atmosphere poured over to this as well, so everything may have been left too blurry for me. What does the inn look like? What made the man in violet robe be gentleman-like? Not /only/ the colour of his clothes, I think?

Anyways, here's a list of more detailed comments, bits and pieces, and mostly only my opinions.

1)
quote:

It is this hidden maliciousness that lurks beyond that has drawn her attention away from such wondrous pleasures,

There are two things in this sentence that I'd like to point out.
a) I'm just curious why have you chosen to write 'maliciousness' here? It is a bit cumbersome word, in my opinion. Wouldn't a simple 'malice' do the same job here?
b) Ihmo, having 'that' twice in a sentence this close to each other disrupts the flow. My suggestion for edit would be:
'It is this hidden malice, lurking beyond, that has drawn her attention away from such wondrous pleasures.'

2)
quote:

There she flies, flying free as a bird, oblivious to what lies ahead and knowing not what the future holds for her.

I'm not sure if this repetition of the verb works for me... I don't think it actually is needed even as a stylistic gimmick, so I'd suggest removing the second one->
'These she flies, free as a bird,...''
Might be just me though...

3)
quote:

With an open mind, she is ready to face anything that may get in her way, whether it could lead to a peaceful end or a gruesome demise.

Solely a matter of preference, but I would either repeat the preposition for stress:
'lead to a peaceful end or to a gruesome demise'
or I would bend the grammar a bit by removing the article before 'gruesome' for better flow:
'lead to a peaceful end or gruesome device'
Personally, I prefer the repeating of the 'to' here more.

4)Soon after the sentence quoted above, the tense changes from present to past tense. It is a bit confusing as it happens in the middle of a paragraph. Would it harm your story to keep only the part in italics in the very beginning of the story in present and begin straight on with past tense after that?

5)
quote:

Not until she fully understood what it meant to be a freak did her eyes fully open, awakening the beast within.

I'm not 100% sure of this, but I do suspect that should be 'she had fully understood', because it has already happened in the past?

6)
quote:

The memories of her willingness of change brought a tear to her moistening blue eyes, blurring her vision.

I'm pretty sure that should be 'to' as in 'her willingness to do something'

7)
quote:

No one had cared for her in this way, except for her brother; another unfortunate soul who is still lost. But maybe with a bit more of hope, her brother may find his way, just like her younger sister. Jenny didn't know why he couldn't.

The tenses are again somewhat confusing here, sifting between the past and the present.

8)
quote:

No, I mustn't lose control now; I have to regain focus. I am not going to fall victim to another lapse of mine. She focused her attention on the task at hand

Just a suggestion, if you want to vary your verbs a bit here; you could do that easily by changing the second instance of 'focus' to 'concentrated' and removing 'her attention'->
'She concentrates on the task at hand..'

9)
quote:

Not until she finally stopped making assumptions and actually attempted to look above did she witness this island?

This is a bit confusing to me. Why was is only an attempt? If it was only an attempt, how come did she then see the inn/island?
I'd suggest changing this to say that she actually did look up (it would be less confusing that way, as you wouldn't have to explain why is was only an attempt, etc):
'Not until she finally stopped making assumption and actually took a look above did she witness this island.'
And what's up with the question mark? =P

10)
quote:

There it was in front of her, within moments, the floating inn openly revealed itself to her.

The sentence structure is a bit odd here, imo. It's not very clear whether the inn was in front of her within moments or was there something in front of her that she recognised within moments to be an inn? If the case is the former, I'd suggest rewording:
'Withing moments, the inn openly revealed itself to her, floating in front of her.'
If the case is the latter, this might be a bit clearer with:
'There it was, floating in front of her, and within moments, it openly revealed itself to her as being an inn. '
Although that latter suggestion is so cumbersome, it needs an instant rewording as well =P
Maybe you'll come up with a way netter solution?

11)
quote:

The noises and physical changes just didn't seem natural at all or even possible within the realm of reality.

Another one of my opinions, sorry. =P I comprehend reality as something with many dimensions and point of views, etc, and hence, I think that this would works much better in plural: 'the realms of reality'.
Whether you choose to change that or not is your call, as always!

12)
quote:

She smirked and opened the door, revealing the peculiar atmosphere within the inn.

How does one reveal an atmosphere? This verb makes this sentence a bit too odd, imho, maybe a bit forced. Maybe 'sensing' would come off more natural here? Or 'stepping into'?

13)
quote:

Nothing else of any major importance, except for a peculiar parchment pinned to the wall, just over yonder.

Imo, 'peculiar' is an adjective that sorta stands out too much if repeated so soon. My suggestion would be to change this to 'strange' or 'odd'.
(I like that 'just over yonder', btw)

14)
quote:

As was her curiosity, it could not be denied, not at the chance to collect evidence that may be of any use.

A way too cumbersome sentence structure to be use in stating this kind of simple fact, in my humble opinion. You are free to disagree, of course, but I'm still going to dare to make a suggestion to edit this to:
'Her curiosity could not be denied, not at the chance to collect...'

15)
quote:

Or, you can be one of the audacious, one of the clever enough to fight to reclaim this world and cease threat at hand.

I don't quite see why you need that of-structure there, unless you're missing the word people after 'the' or if that 'the' should be 'those'. So should this be:
'one of those clever enough'
or
'one of the people/creatures clever enough'
?
Yet the most simplest way might be the best here:
'one clever enough'

In addition, my intuition is saying that you need an article before 'threat'-> 'the threat'

16)
quote:

I never imagined a place like that ever existing.

I suspect 'existed' would be that right form to use here.

OK, that's all I got for the passage, as you called it. I'm most certainly going to return at some point to read another one!
DF  Post #: 12
12/22/2008 1:20:33   
Frenetic Raptor
Member

Thanks for the critique, fabula. I am glad you liked the passage and I appreciate the time you took to write a review. I went ahead and made the grammatical changes to the story, right away. The first paragraph, after the one in italics, has been fixed to be all past tense. There shouldn't be any present tense in there now, I hope. As for the unraveling of the enchantment within the story, I agree that it needs a bit more description towards the end. I'll put some more in there. That is one common weakness I have noticed with my short passages like these, they kind of lose a bit of clarity and that consistency at the end.

< Message edited by Frenetic Raptor -- 12/22/2008 1:21:09 >
Post #: 13
1/23/2009 2:13:06   
Frenetic Raptor
Member

For those who happen to be keeping track of any of my work, I've added two more writing entries. One is titled "Perishable Conflictions" and the other is called "A Sinister Agenda"

< Message edited by Frenetic Raptor -- 1/6/2010 13:46:41 >
Post #: 14
1/23/2009 11:33:31   
Xirminator
Member

Xirminator with the Workshop Critique on "Tormented by Forgotten Memories", as requested.

I'll comment on the various sentences first, then give you some general comments at the end. You can ignore any of these, of course.

quote:

There are no bite marks on my neck and I am not pale white. There are also no cravings for blood, that I am aware of.


I think you could change that last bit. Appetite shouldn't be one of the first things that come to mind. Perhaps a closer look at appearance?

quote:

Please show me an answer or at least show me a sign that things are still alright.


Although I think the character is "talking" to the mirror, it sounded as if he or she was praying to some god or something. Just wanted to draw your attention to the ambiguity of the sentence, since I'm not sure if it is intentional.

quote:

You have never existed and you never will, you got that.


Firstly, I think this should end with a question mark. Secondly "you got that?" is somewhat odd with the rest of the paragraph. The other words sound formal and polite, while this sounds informal and belligerent. Perhaps "Do you understand?" would be fine.

quote:

She had completely forgotten she had chosen to spend the night resting up in an old, uncomfortable chair. Nothing pleasant about it as her body ached and demanded relief. She shook her head and pried herself off of the wooden chair.


I suggest rephrasing the first sentence into something like this:

She looked around, startled. She had fallen asleep on an old...

In my opinion, it would convey the impression of "forgetting" she had slept there better.

quote:

she wandered over to the window and looked out at the impending sun rise.


Firstly, "sun rise" can be "sunrise", if you wish.
Also, perhaps a stronger word than "wandered". "Sauntered" for example. Wandering is kind of random and aimless in my opinion.

quote:

I'm glad that what I saw was only a nightmare, thankfully.


I'm glad it was only a nightmare. The reader can easily figure out what the "nightmare" is, so there's no need to explain that the nightmare is that which she saw. It's kind of obvious, in my opinion. And you can drop "thankfully". "Glad" is good enough.

quote:

There she stood, wearing her sparkling red dress, shining amongst the sunlight


"Amidst" might be better than "amongst".

quote:

Her icy blue eyes became lost within the beauty of a new dawn.


Not that it's wrong, but I would personally phrase it differently, like this:
Her eyes lost themselves in the beauty of a new dawn.

quote:

How does she know my name without having ever met me? Maybe she happened to overhear something not of her business.


Maybe she overheard me talking to somebody... would sounds better at the end. It's not wrong, but it gives a more realistic feel, in my opinion.

quote:

He let his knotted, lengthy black hair fall to the sides of his face, bracing for her reaction.


I'm not sure what the hair has to do with bracing himself for her reaction. I didn't quite get what you meant.

quote:

Maybe mentally as well, if indeed he had the audacity to forget her name.


Perhaps his mental state was suffering as well... It's a bit unclear the way it is, and I feel something similar to my example would flow better with the previous sentence.

quote:

"Now I see who you really are. How else could anyone know so much about Meekra and I?


Here, I suggest you add some reaction to her name. Even indifference. Simply ignoring it was kind of disappointing. As a reader, I wanted to know what he'd do when she finally told him who she was.

quote:

He accused her, aggravation evident in his voice.


Perhaps, instead of telling the reader he was annoyed here, you could show it.
"Now I see who you are! You are an assassin or a spy," he accused harshly. "How else could you know so much about me? Am I right?" His eyes went hard, like stone. "Speak up now!" he demanded.
Something like that anyway. Of course, I hope you write your own version. Don't just use mine.

quote:

Kneeling just outside the door,


I though they were already outside, so I'd assume she'd be inside.

quote:

wearing her cute black dress


Perhaps a little more description right here? Or maybe a different word than "cute". Maybe "pretty"?

quote:

She could see them both, Kujaron and that woman, through the keyhole. By the looks of it, he wasn't all too happy and that woman was scared, probably for her life. She certainly would be if her life was threatened by Kujaron.


If you're narrating from the girl's point of view, would she call her father by name?

quote:

She held it still and shoved the door open, propelling it wide open, just short of slamming into the wall. Grabbing their attention is what she truly desired.


She shoved the door hard, holding it before it slammed into the wall. Diverting their attention was something she wanted. I felt that "propelling it wide open" was rather unnecessary.

quote:

From just outside of the open doorway, there stood the queen herself, Lillith.


You can remove "from" here. It's not needed.

quote:

What have you gotten yourself into Kujaron while I've been gone?


A comma after Kujaron, to separate the two parts.

quote:

I wouldn't doubt the fact of both,


"I expect it's both" or something like that would be better.

quote:

wretched witch. She may not be one, but she certainly has the tenacious audacity of one.


If by "one", you mean a witch, I suggest that you change this. Here, Shariana contradicts herself, and that sounds very weird. First she called her a witch, then she says she's not one.

quote:

She formed a sneer directed towards Lillith.


"She sneered at Lillith" would be enough I think.

quote:

longing of desire.


Longing and desire mean almost the same thing. Perhaps a "lustful longing" or "lustful desire".

quote:

You know, I am just teasing you on that last part, right?"


Instead of saying that, you could say she smiled uncertainly or something. It doesn't sound like something someone would say.

quote:

She was a little confused as to how she knew, considering she never met her before, or so she says.


Here, you're narrating from "outside" the character, then you finish narrating from "inside" her mind, by writing her thoughts. You could separate those two bits, and italicize the thought.

quote:

I've been around them enough to tell the them apart from humans.


I think you missed a "to be able to tell them apart..."




Now the general comments. It was an interesting story, but I have a few suggestions to make. They are somewhat more important than all the comments above.

I've looked a bit into your other stories, so I could be certain about these comments. These suggestions are applicable to ALL your writing. It's because they're comments regarding your writing style, which is always with you, regardless of the story :P

Firstly, let's talk about setting. Throughout the story, you don't give a concrete idea of where the house is and it's layout, and how many people may be in it. So, when you're changing rooms and switching from a one character's viewpoint to another, it gets confusing as characters are somewhat randomly introduced and things that you didn't mention before appear, like the "hallway" when Matthias appeared. I suggest setting definite landmarks.

To be clear: it's not that you describe them wrong. It's that you don't describe them at all. The descriptive style itself is pretty good, and very clear and easy to see.

My second suggestion is that while your descriptive style is very clear, sometimes it becomes a bit wordy. Sometimes, it's easier to find one word that can replace two, or omit others entirely so you don't repeat yourself.

quote:

I'm glad that what I saw was only a nightmare, thankfully.


Although this is not exactly repetition, "thankfully" can be omitted, because "glad" already conveys the thankfulness. That is just one example of this. I suggest you proofread carefully and try and spot other instances of this.

Now, my last comment involves dialogue.

quote:

"Yeah, I know what you're trying to get at. You are different from Lillith. You aren't in it for yourself. You also care about others, even those you have never met. You've got a good heart, though you seem not to be well.


This is an example of what I want to tell you. In dialogue, you tend to be a bit inconsistent in the manner people speak. Suddenly, she sounds informal, then she sounds formal, as shown in the example. When you're planning a character, if you decide they're informal and have an accent (for example), they'll always speak that way.

Now, to continue advising you about dialogue. Perhaps you might want to intersperse the dialogue with a few "he said" or "she said." You tend to write all dialogue in a large paragraph without any stops or pauses. Let's use this as an example:

quote:

"Yeah, I know what you're trying to get at. You are different from Lillith. You aren't in it for yourself. You also care about others, even those you have never met. You've got a good heart, though you seem not to be well. I don't know the reason, but for that alone, I can't help but find myself attracted to you. She makes me cower with fear, but you are quite the opposite. Instead of being selfish and rude like her, you have a friendly and understanding aura about you."


Perhaps you can rewrite this to include "Meerka said" somewhere. By that I don't mean, that exactly. To spice up dialogue, you can use anything (he yelled; he screamed; he snapped; he shot back; he snarled; he muttered; and so on). Things like that help convey emotion better. When someone's angry, they would say: "This is the last straw!" Xirminator yelled. "I've had enough!" Then he kicked the bunny out of the window." That's a (not very good :P) example of what I mean.

Observe these points, and you'll do just fine! Keep writing!

< Message edited by Xirminator -- 1/23/2009 18:06:19 >
AQ DF  Post #: 15
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