Short Stories by Xirminator - Comments and Criticism (Updated!!) (Full Version)

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Xirminator -> Short Stories by Xirminator - Comments and Criticism (Updated!!) (1/2/2009 9:41:09)

Fantasy Stories

Dead Curse - the story that got me approved. Short, sweet, simple.
Dead Curse: Rewrite - my first 'long' short story. Didn't go so well, but I'm not going to fix it. (Because I'll have to rewrite it, and I'm busy with other stories.)
The Journal of Tim the Beardman - a humorous journal parodying fantasy. Still very short, but I might add to it if I feel like it. I don't intend to 'finish' it. It's just something I did for fun.
Crow Feeder - Wrote this in a day. It's the sequel to Dead Curse: Rewrite. I hope it turned out better.

Science Fiction Stories

One Little Lie - my first science fiction story.
Mistakes - With care, I could stretch a novel out of this one.
Body for My Mind - A robot story.

Comments and criticism would be greatly appreciated.






Crimzon5 -> RE: Dead Curse - Comments and Criticism (1/2/2009 9:49:37)

Since you put much effort on this (and since I admire the help you've done in the WA), I'll expect a good read.

quote:

A metallic grating sound echoed through the town, followed by a deafening clang, as if some vast gate had opened. The innkeeper snatched the curtains, flung them over the window and barred it shut. Gariben hummed softly to himself. Groans filled the air, and somewhere a scream. Gariben started. The nonchalant delight in his face had vanished; his eyes were focused. Another scream and Gariben started sprinting in its direction. The two silent men followed him without hesitation, their cloaks trailing behind them like ravens' wings.
You could replace Gariben with 'he' at some times.

quote:

"Ah, our damsel in distress!" he said gallantly, striding towards her.

Heh, this must be like a comedy potion in the story. This guy must be some kind of woman-loving guy. Hehe...

Anyways... that's where I stopped bcause I gotta go.




Xirminator -> RE: Dead Curse - Comments and Criticism (1/2/2009 16:50:43)

You were right, I repeated his name too much there. It should be fixed now.

Tell me if you see something else.

What do you mean by WA?




Alixander Fey -> RE: Dead Curse - Comments and Criticism (1/2/2009 16:58:19)

WA is the old name for Eng 101 and AR. It used to be one place called the Writing Academy.

/me waves hi to Xirmy




Crimzon5 -> RE: Dead Curse - Comments and Criticism (1/3/2009 4:52:26)

Finsihed it and saw no errors... I'm not good at spotting those things anyway. But still, I enjoyed it.




Xirminator -> RE: Dead Curse - Comments and Criticism (1/3/2009 5:56:53)

Thanks Crimzon. It went through a lot of editing, don't you worry :P

And hello Alix!




Recar Dragonlance -> RE: Short Stories by Xirminator - Comments and Criticism (1/6/2009 15:10:08)

Hey, you're not new but you're new to me since I disappeared : ) Seen you a couple of times on IRC so I thought I'd drop by and give you a comment...

I Am Time

quote:

I stopped thinking then. It was too much for me. I drank by now-cold tea.


That's either "my" or "by-now-cold"

quote:

In my opinion, it was a stupid mind. But there it was, I was rearing to go.


I spotted a few too many simple sentences, and to get around it, we can adjust this sentence. "In my opinion, it was a stupid mind, but there it was: I was rearing to go."

quote:

It also reverberated in my head, but no my surroundings. AS YOU CAN SEE, YOU HAD ALL THE TIME IN THE WORLD GETTING HERE. YOU CANNOT BE LATE.


not

quote:

“I though you just wanted me to sit down?” I asked.


thought

I really like your style. It really agrees with me for some reason and it makes me happy : ) But I would watch how many simple sentences you have. For the story you've got, the simple sentences work well but after awhile they are a bit draining since you have SO many stops... So try to mix in a variety of sentences. Other then that, love the style, and interesting, original storyline.




Xirminator -> RE: Short Stories by Xirminator - Comments and Criticism (1/9/2009 6:34:20)

I appreciate your comments Recar. I can't get to them right now, since I'm focusing obsessively on another story. But as soon as I resume writing I Am Time, I'll take in your suggestions :P




Crimzon5 -> RE: Short Stories by Xirminator - Comments and Criticism (1/9/2009 6:51:45)

I've got no quarrels about you working on your 2nd stor... just remember:

quote:

To those who like the story, I'm rewriting it to be longer and better.

Dont forget to add more Dead Curse soon




Xirminator -> RE: Short Stories by Xirminator - Comments and Criticism (1/9/2009 6:57:06)

I am working on it at this very moment Crimzon :P

I have stopped writing I Am Time for the moment. The rewritten Dead Curse runs along the same path that the first did, but it actually has a real plot. You'll see Gariben in a different way :P

However, if I decide it's good enough to be submitted for the Writers of the Future contest, it will be a rather long wait [;)]

Yes, I have decided that it shall be submitted to Writers of the Future. However, I've posted here, since I am permitted to do so. Enjoy! (And criticize please :D)




A Twisted Thought -> RE: Short Stories by Xirminator - Comments and Criticism (1/24/2009 19:45:12)

Taking request in L&L Workshop -- Need a Hand? I've Got a Few!
___________________________

quote:

They had stridden through the door with the air of powerful, rich men, men who were used to having their demands met quickly; the innkeeper assumed they were foreign merchants.

Here, I think the second comma could be turned into a semicolon, as you're making a new statement. Also, the original semicolon could be turned into a period, making the third statement a new sentence.

quote:

The other two wore plain black cloaks over their sable clothes; wide-brimmed hats that obscured their faces with their shadows were on their heads; and black leather gloves hid their hands.

This semicolon should disappear, as using the conjunction "and" makes punctuation unnecessary. The part that I've struck through is unneeded as well. Simply "wide-brimmed hats that obscured their faces with their shadows" is fine. Also, an "s" is needed after "Shadow", as each of the other figures are individual, meaning that the shadows are as well.

quote:

“Has anybody tried to do something?”

I think "anything" fits here better, since he's asking a very open-ended question. If Gariben /knew/ that someone had done something, he would probably ask if "someone" had done anything, for more inclusive information.

quote:

His relentless gaze drove into the innkeeper, shaking the innkeeper’s nerve.

The second "the innkeeper" could be changed to "his." The repetition of the word just irks me.

quote:

There was a strange aura of self-confidence about him, not one that came from sheer spunk, but rather from a full self-awareness, an awareness that alleged efficient lethality.

A comma should be added after spunk, since you're using a conjunction other than "and" after it, and the comma you had should be a semicolon, as the statement following it could be its own sentence.

quote:

Yes, they do not fall to sharp steel or clubs. No matter how much we wound them, they keep crawling. We simply burn them.”

I think that "Yes" could be changed to "Well," or erased completely. It just seems unnatural to me. "Or" could be changed to "nor", as it is used in a more negative effect in this sentence. I'm not too sure on whether it's a requirement or not, so you can be the judge.

quote:

“Who are you?” the innkeeper asked.

I think a bit of emphasis on the innkeeper's attitude and tone is needed here. I imagine at this point in the conversation, he's pretty fed up with these strange visitors and how they ask questions without taking any themselves. However, it may be unnecessary given his tone the next time he speaks.
_______________________________________

Now, I'll lay off the grammar, unless I see something that /requires/ addressing.*

quote:

And he prayed.

Generally, sentences cannot begin with "and." I suggest changing this.

quote:

Was it enough? Could anything possibly be enough?

Again, I'm not sure if it's required, but, I usually italicize speech that takes place in a character's mind, if only to make it easier to follow for the reader.

quote:

He would have lighted a fire for comfort,

The past form of "light" is "lit."

quote:

The corpses were mindless, but people were saying that they were learning. Learning how to break into homes and which buildings accommodated their prey.

Perhaps just my picky nature again, but I think this period could become a beautiful semicolon.

quote:

...as he remembered what one of the regulars had said today, “Just a fortnight ago, they climbed on Johnson’s hut and pulled off the thatch, bit by bit.

This should be a semicolon, or even a colon, seeing as the previous statement is identifying the following one.

quote:

his fear overwhelmed himand he broke into tears


quote:

he would go out fighting; his hands were groping for a weapon,

I think this semicolon should become a period, and the two statements separated into two sentences.

quote:

before slamming it open.

I think "swinging" fits better here.

quote:

They threatened to crush Gariben and the others imply with their number.

This sentence is confusing, to say the least.
________________________________________

Okay, this time, I'm /honestly/ going to forget about grammar. Any mistakes I find, I'll either take care of another time, or allow another L&Ler to volunteer to fix.


Well, that was certainly a great opening chapter for this story. The setting, though not described much, is simple and easy to visualize. Your descriptions are very fine-tuned and advanced. Some parts of the story could use some more of it, but that's your choice, in the end. The banter between Gariben and the other characters goes hand-in-hand with his actions, both during combat as well as while sipping ale. The dialogue, though lacking much of the accents I'd suspect from a medieval setting, is quite good.

During combat, I could easily see just what Gariben and his party were doing at all times. However, It was unclear as to where Sam was during the skirmish. i imagine that Abbadon set him down near Phobos, but only you can clear that up for me. Throughout the entire encounter with the undead, I felt the anxiousness of the situation, and the fear imbued into Gariben was apparent, especially when he lost his weapon.

Aside from a few spelling errors, there was really nothing else to say, other than what I pointed out specifically. I honestly can't wait for the next installment of this series. Keep up the good work.

~~ A Headless Thought

* As soon as I typed that, I saw some things that bothered me xD




Xirminator -> RE: Short Stories by Xirminator - Comments and Criticism (1/31/2009 16:26:18)

The rewrite is complete! :D Editing remains [:)]

I think I have to reapply all of Twisted's suggestions, since I pasted the whole thing from an uncorrected file, but it shall be done during editing.

Thanks Twisted!




A Twisted Thought -> RE: Short Stories by Xirminator - Comments and Criticism (2/3/2009 17:33:50)

Twisted, taking Your request in L&L Workshop -- Need a Hand? I've Got a Few!

Well, I've read your story through, beginning to end, but as of now, I'm just not in teh right state of mind to give my final thoughths. When I'm up to it, I'll give you the critique you deserve.





Xirminator -> RE: Short Stories by Xirminator - Comments and Criticism (2/4/2009 17:12:32)

It's alright, take your time.

I've finished with editing and I hope it's better.

If you can answer these questions, perhaps:

What do you think of Gariben, and how do you feel about him?

Did the story manage to convey the feelings well, especially when Gariben was about to die, when he was remembering, and at the end?

Is this publishable? Why, or why not? (As in, is is well-written enough?)

You don't have to answer the last one, since I know it is not. But perhaps IF you read the edited post, you could answer it.




A Twisted Thought -> RE: Short Stories by Xirminator - Comments and Criticism (2/4/2009 21:47:12)

Well, I see Gariben as a powerful warrior, strong in both body and mind. He makes quick decisions and knows how to deal with most any situation. However, he is not an invincible gladiator, and has many weak points that can be exploited if targeted by the right person. These include his (former) lack of supernatural ability, short temper, and the golems' requirement of instructions in order to act. His vendetta against Sciargoth leads him to taking whatever risks are necessary to accomplish his goal, even risking his own life for an entire town which he otherwise, might not care about.

The story was effective when dealing with everyone's emotions throughout. I think, however, that Gariben's flashback on how he came to lose his powers could have been exaggerated a tad more. Taking creative risks like flashbacks usually requires much exaggeration, or it isn't much of a risk, now is it?

I think, if there were a couple chapters that explained how Gariben came to end up at this nameless town, it could have a shot at publication. You wouldn't have to go right from day one of Gariben's journey, and how he became a legend*, but at least start off from the day after his son was revived.

~~ A Flashy Thought

* Although, it could make a great prequel series.




Xirminator -> RE: Short Stories by Xirminator - Comments and Criticism (2/5/2009 13:00:19)

I might extend it a bit more in order to provide explanation why Gariben decided to come to this particular place. It will probably take place in conversation between Gariben and Sam.

What I meant about this being publishable is whether the writing is good enough to be published. If anyone can comment about that, please do.




Firefly -> RE: Short Stories by Xirminator - Comments and Criticism (Updated!!) (2/19/2009 18:15:18)

Finally read the rewritten Dead Curse. The thread was confusing as heck. But anyhow, since I (accidentally) read both versions, I got to experience how much it has improved.

Below are harsh and vague comments that might not be very helpful. Without going line by line, since you already cleared up most of the style (writing) problems, I am mainly commenting on content (the actual story) so these things are extremely hard to "Fix." Also, all just my opinion, feel free to disagree.

For some reason, I don't know what to say. If you want my personal feelings, I felt that it was very good, just not omgawesome, but I can't really say why. Hmm... Lemme /try/ to transcribe some of my vague thoughts.

The storyline is pretty good. The concept is average, which might be your greatest obstacle in publishing since an original idea is highly valued in short stories. Zombies just aren't the new kids on the block, y'know? Anyhow, I didn't really mind that myself. The characterization pretty good, though I think you could've executed it better. The writing is nice as it does a good job of communicating the point. A few times when it called attention to itself a bit, but I didn't mind it too much.

The main problem I see with it is that I feel you were... highlighting the wrong stuff? Am I making any sense? Like, you wrote a lot in the beginning with the innkeeper observing Gariben and stuff, but the ending, with the important flashbacks and stuff, seemed to have not been integrated into the text as well as possible. It felt a bit... rushed. I dunno, maybe it's intentionally for the shock effect. But I did feel that you weren't spending enough time on important things and spent too much on trifles.

Regarding the question on IRC, which parts made me a bit bored, I'd have to say that it's actually the fighting the undead part. It didn't have as much tension as far as fights go since it was fairly obvious Gariben and his pals would come through unscathed.

I'll answer your questions, I guess.

What do you think of Gariben, and how do you feel about him?
I like the idea behind the character, with the family and losing power stuff. I think it could've been highlighted a bit more, though. I think you could've focused on his character a bit more instead of stuff like "zombies!" and "innkeeper!" ect. if you want him to be a really memoriable character.

Did the story manage to convey the feelings well, especially when Gariben was about to die, when he was remembering, and at the end?
Again, good concept, execution was fair but could've been better. The scene at the end felt a little abrupt. Maybe I'm just not used to seeing a flashback so late in the story when the story as a whole didn't have other flashbacks. Maybe adding a few more actions (as opposed to just thoughts) just prior to the flashback.

I like how you portrayed Phobos/Gabriel. He didn't do a lot of fighting, which hints but doesn't reveal something is weird about him.

Is this publishable? Why, or why not? (As in, is is well-written enough?)
If you just mean the technical writing, then yes, I've seen published stories no better than this. If you mean the story as a whole, and note that technical writing doesn't mean it all once it reaches a certain point, especially in fantasy/sci-fi, then I can't say. On one hand, it has a good concept and storyline. On the other hand, it doesn't have a unique fantasy element and instead the age-old zombies. I don't particularly mind this myself since, though I'm a fantasy fan, I still approach fantasy stories like any other stories so I look for plot over concept. However, I know that many markets don't do that. The only suggestion I can give you is this, and it might not be the best suggestion: zombies aren't the most unique thing in the world, so focus less on them unless you want to make this more "horror" and instead describe more. Instead, give me more about the characters. Give me more emotions. More of a focus on the plot. Those things are the strengths here and you can play with them more. ;)

Other random suggestions/notes/comments:
- I suggest you change the part about "Gariben suddenly realized this was an undead" when he started fighting them. It sounded a bit... like you were trying to impress with something unimpressive. The descriptions of the innkeeper made it obvious so I suggest you start calling them undead right after Gariben hears the story. The "OMG! They're undead!" isn't an interesting focus, imo.
- The end needs a bit more explanation. From what I understand, Gariben gets his power back because the guy who revived his son broke the promise that he wouldn't harm Gabriel. I think you need to say that outright just to make it more clear. Also, perhaps describe a spirit creeping out of the pearl? I guess they're invisible, but having readers react more when they have something to /see/ if you know what I mean.
- The part about the girl kinda felt like an "Unreveal" to me. I thought you were going to reveal she was his wife reincarnated or some other astonishing fact. And then it just became "It's over." Probably just me, but I ended up finding it distracting from the more important emotions. Perhaps have her say the "You're really Gariben" stuff and compliment his powers. He can then think to himself, "Yeah, I've got my powers back, at the loss of my son" or something like that. Or that might not work since he's happy his son is free, but something... something to relate it to the father/son thing more strongly in the end.

I might have more to say but I can't remember or word it properly right now. I might drop another comment or talk to you on IRC about stuff. Anyhow, I did really really like the story even if it didn't quite make it onto my "favourite short stories" list. I apologize if my comments might sound a bit negatively-inclined because I tried pointing out the flaws ahead of the good stuff since the former is what you're going to need to address.




Xirminator -> RE: Short Stories by Xirminator - Comments and Criticism (Updated!!) (2/20/2009 12:03:09)

Alright, thanks a lot Firefly. I thought about what you said and I deduced this:

1) The undead have to go.
2) The story needs direction.

So, I'm working on that.




Firefly -> RE: Short Stories by Xirminator - Comments and Criticism (Updated!!) (2/20/2009 16:25:13)

Er... the undead don't necessarily have to go. Remember, my biggest piece of advice to any writer is to tell their own story, and if it's about undead, then make it so regardless of market taboos. And it's not really a taboo anyways if you make it good enough. Anyhow, I just mean that:
- you should take out that statement of "He then realized they were undead"
- try to make the undead /somewhat/ of a threat...

Seriously, don't try to cut off the undead just because they're not a totally new concept. However, if you're doing this because you /want/ to focus more on the Gariben/Gabriel thing, then I raise no objections. But it'll be a bit change so I wish you luck. ;)




Xirminator -> RE: Short Stories by Xirminator - Comments and Criticism (Updated!!) (3/25/2009 19:28:42)

Yay, update! New story. Check first post for link.

Also, I'm not entering Writers of the Future this quarter. I'm not good enough yet.




Xirminator -> RE: Short Stories by Xirminator - Comments and Criticism (Updated!!) (3/28/2009 11:44:46)

Alright, posted a rewrite of that. More coming soon.




Xirminator -> RE: Short Stories by Xirminator - Comments and Criticism (Updated!!) (4/1/2009 11:39:12)

Good news! I managed to plan a whole novel. Now I just have to figure out a few questions, finish characterizing, decide where I'm starting the story and write it down.

The story I started to post here, "Power', is the first bits of exploratory narrative, which are, unplanned and without direction, lame,




Crimzon5 -> RE: Short Stories by Xirminator - Comments and Criticism (Updated!!) (4/1/2009 23:47:31)

Finally planned the novel? Good luck... I always find it hard to finish a long story.




Xirminator -> RE: Short Stories by Xirminator - Comments and Criticism (Updated!!) (4/2/2009 4:42:25)

I just sat down and forced myself to do it :P I'll probably change bits of it, but that's to be expected.




Crimzon5 -> RE: Short Stories by Xirminator - Comments and Criticism (4/2/2009 9:22:39)

If it's really gonna be a novel... then I woul call this thread "Short Stories by Xirminator - Comments and Criticism"




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