RE: Comments and Criticism: A Collection of Dark Verse (Full Version)

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Firefly -> RE: Comments and Criticism: A Collection of Dark Verse (3/29/2009 14:45:56)

Ooo, I like your newest two. "Guilty Innocent" was especially very powerful at the ending. I suggest that you try longer, more descriptive poems with more varying sentence structures in the future. You're currently very good at what you write, but I'm sure you can broaden your horizons, so to speak.

EDIT: This page belongs to me. Claimed for the sake of... oh, I dunno. Spring?
No page-claiming. - Cow Face



Helixi -> RE: Comments and Criticism: A Collection of Dark Verse (3/31/2009 15:31:28)

New poems...I think.



Helixi -> RE: Comments and Criticism: A Collection of Dark Verse (4/23/2009 11:28:39)

I will update my poetry thread very soon!



Sir Dorigo III -> RE: Comments and Criticism: A Collection of Dark Verse (4/24/2009 11:13:55)

wow.. these are amazing Helix...
i especially like: Flirt/My Suicide and the turning.

great job.
they dont follow the traditional pattern which is what i think maks them great



gwoonjustin -> RE: Comments and Criticism: A Collection of Dark Verse (4/24/2009 12:53:10)

Greetings and nice to meet you. I am Gwoonjustin. *reaches out a welcoming hand*

Reading the last five, then maybe I'll keep up with your scribblings. I'm not sure though. I'm lazy, and I'm making that promise a bit too much lately.

History is the future:
1:
quote:

"Geography is a subject which holds the key to our future" said one man.
But history holds the keys to knowledge
Without the past, there can be no future.

First you say, well regardless of that, history holds the keys to knowledge. Then you go and try to actively fight the claim that it is geography rather than history which holds the future. Seems a bit weird to me. Also, it seems very weird someone would claim this about geography. It seems a bit forced that you put it in, therefore. Can't think of an alternative now, though.

Very powerful, otherwise.

Death Magnetic:
Nice. No further comments.

Funeral:
2:
quote:

He cat-bell choker circling her neck, forever silenced.

The cat-bell
or:
Her cat-bell

3:Bit of a weird tense change there halfway through. Intentional?
I suggest present tense all the way. Seems stronger that way to me.
Again, very powerful. You are definitely worth keeping up with!

Heartache:
4:
quote:


We had our problems, you and me
But we always worked them out
Got back together.
So why, whenever I look away, is he "off for a ciggie" with her?

First the male character is "you", then "he". How come?
Wow. This one's great too.

Puddles:
Very cute, however short. Got a smile to my face at the end, too.

You have a very unique style. Keep it up, and keep em coming!



Helixi -> RE: Comments and Criticism: A Collection of Dark Verse (4/24/2009 15:59:53)


*takes welcoming hand and shakes it vigourously*
@gwoonjustin: History/Geography poem. I think I was really really tired when I wrote that. I can't even remember writing it. That's why it's crap. I'll try to improve though.

Funeral: Intentional tense change, its meant to be "Her cat-bell". I'll fix that soon. Done

Heartache: Um...no comment. I can't see the error. Scratch that, I see it. Thanks for pointing that out. Fix'ed.



Poetic Melody -> RE: Comments and Criticism: A Collection of Dark Verse (4/25/2009 13:38:37)

Hmm... Interesting poems. It's a nice style. Have you ever written a rhyming poem? Just curious.

You have something very original about you. Keep writing!



Helixi -> RE: Comments and Criticism: A Collection of Dark Verse (4/25/2009 15:15:23)

^No. I tried to. It came out sounding very wrong and different from what I intended.


New poem, Funeral for a Friend.



Darkn3zz -> RE: C+C: A Collection of Dark Verse (4/26/2009 18:21:46)

Amazing stuff and i think you need a different topic than deatrh vamps and blood.ZOMBIES!



Helixi -> RE: C+C: A Collection of Dark Verse (4/27/2009 12:08:48)

^I did puddles in a rare moment. then I went back to my normal mood of writing.



Helixi -> RE: C+C: A Collection of Dark Verse (4/30/2009 16:21:02)

@gwoon (can I call you Gwoon?): Nope, I can think of nothing for my Geog/Hist. poem. Any suggestions?



Crimzon5 -> RE: C+C: A Collection of Dark Verse (5/1/2009 5:54:02)

Man... Imma gonna try making an emo poem... like you xD

hey... how come smalls gets to collab with you...



gwoonjustin -> RE: C+C: A Collection of Dark Verse (5/1/2009 11:14:26)

I'll let it slip for now XP

Sorry. No ideas currently. Will have a thorough look soon and think about it a little.



Helixi -> RE: C+C: A Collection of Dark Verse (5/2/2009 16:37:21)

^Thankies.

@crimz: Smalls did a collab with me because she likes me more! Just kidding. :p



gwoonjustin -> RE: C+C: A Collection of Dark Verse (5/2/2009 17:01:43)

Firstly: Does it need to be a subject? If not "the economy" or "politics" may suit better.

About the other stuff I said (and it took me a while to figure out what I meant. It's making me feel bad for all you who have to face my weird comments):
quote:


"Geography is a subject which holds the key to our future" said one man.
But history holds the keys to knowledge
Without the past, there can be no future.

"Politics are the [insert random word here] which hold the key to the future" said one man
But history holds the keys to knowledge
And so without it, there can't be future

Simple adjustment, but I think it solved the problems. If you have trouble understanding which problems I mean, well then I'm sorry, cause I have trouble explaining it better...



Helixi -> RE: C+C: A Collection of Dark Verse (5/3/2009 4:32:32)

^no, I get it and the poem is better. Thankies. :)



DA Holder67 -> RE: Comments and Criticism: A Collection of Dark Verse (5/4/2009 17:28:39)

Scary! 0_0

Anyway,your good. Really good. Birth and Death,Roses,and Funeral for a friend are the best ones.



Helixi -> RE: Comments and Criticism: A Collection of Dark Verse (5/7/2009 12:05:26)

Heh, I have a "companion" poem to Funeral for a Friend up. I'm also going to put Smalls, mine and Spawn of Teridax's collab up soonish.

Ooookay.... I deleted the link to the collab by accident. but I do have three more poems up.



Helixi -> RE: Comments and Criticism: A Collection of Dark Verse (5/10/2009 16:39:54)

New Poem, "Rescue Me".



Helixi -> RE: Comments and Criticism: A Collection of Dark Verse (5/12/2009 13:45:56)

Not sure if this is allowed, but oh well. I started posting a story in English 101 entitled The Strangers. Scroll down for the entire story so far and don't forget to give me some criticism :)


EDIT: OK, after giving this some thought, I have decided to put my poetry collection on hold while I finsh my story and maybe get approved. I'll insert a useless filler picture to keep you entertained. :)



[image]local://upfiles/339474/DDD27BD2B04B422088B7C32ED52E995B.jpg[/image]



BrantePyrus -> RE: C+C: A Collection of Dark Verse (5/19/2009 13:42:42)

Wow.
This is beautifully dark.
I look forward to hearing more from you!
My personal views are a bit more positive, but not by much.. and I liked this. Format's good too.



Helixi -> RE: C+C: A Collection of Dark Verse (5/20/2009 15:47:13)

New poems, So Slow, Door to the Mind and an Untitled.



spellmaster -> RE: Comments and Criticism: A Collection of Dark Verse (5/22/2009 15:10:04)

Your funeral peom reminds me of a few stories. I can't think of there names >.<. Anyways nice new poems and keep it emo.



Helixi -> RE: Comments and Criticism: A Collection of Dark Verse (5/22/2009 15:14:31)

Thank you Spelly. :)



Gianna Glow -> RE: Comments and Criticism: A Collection of Dark Verse (5/22/2009 20:33:52)

oh my... you're last poem had me freaking out... made me think of X-men.



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