|
Fleur Du Mal -> RE: Comments for "The Diary of Alfred McGregor" (11/28/2009 16:54:22)
|
Ah, first person POV and present tense! /me spots variation! Intriguing idea, diaries can really allow one to go present the story from a totally subjective point of view – character-wise.
Imo, the very informal style, or should I say tone of voice you've written the first diary entry in, fits the overall idea very well. To me, this felt like a personal, yet detached voice. As if he were relating things as an outsider. Does that fit your character description?
What I was personally a little distracted by was the pacing and paragraphing. You have a clear start, clear transitions between the first paragraphs, but then the third one has a huge clump of events and info all rushed together. The story turned a bit hard to follow for me at that point. My suggestion would be to do some further divisions to this particular paragraph, for example:
quote:
I show up, and start striking up conversation with a few different people. Nic is the guy who I made quick friends with at my first gathering. Brianna, along with her bodyguard, isn't the nicest of girls, but I feel there's a need for her somewhere, and more with what I found out later in the night. Sabastian is here tonight, but no Eric. That gets rather confusing considering they share the same body. And got along nicely with Tera, whom I just really started to talk to that night. (transition from introductions to the first notable event -> new paragraph)
As I'm talking with a few other people, I hear there's a wager being made against us. From some guy who's infected by a demon of sorts. Creepy spider looking shadow monsters, still not quite used to this stuff, even if I've been around it for over 50 years. He basically took a mortal's voice, over a wager. If we can avoid our deepest vice, after thirty-three days and thirty-three nights, she gets her voice back, and the infection leaves this John fellow. But, the Prince has declared that it is high treason to induldge in your vice during this time. Which means everyone is going to have a hard time, if they reside in the city. (transition from from explaining the wager to a deal? (I got a little lost here) -> new paragraph)
A man named Mojo made a deal with me, if I don't act on my vice, I've got a nice prize waiting at the end of this.
Comments on details:
1)
quote:
I awake to my brother already gone. He probably went to feed, or something of that nature.
Regarding the tenses used in the other sentences, I think this should be
'He has probably gone to feed...'
2)quote:
Recently, his own activites haven't really been of my concern. Only recently have I remembered that he's the reason we had to leave Scotland, and the reason we had to run from our home in Maryland, after we underwent the Embrace
There's a lil' typo: 'activities'
I'm not sure if repeating the word 'recently' so quickly is the best option here. To me, it draws out the impact of repeating the word 'reason' later on. How about rewording it a little? Maybe just change the first occurrence to 'Lately'?
3)quote:
I followed out of brotherly love for him, and because I was automatically connected to him because we are twins.
In my opinion, two 'becauses' in the same sentence has the effect of making the sentence sound a little like overexplaining it, and they can easily lead and confuse the thought away from the main point (brotherly love). Furthermore, aren't you saying the essentially same thing twice? First, brothers, then automatically connected because of being twins? I'm suggesting rewording: you could actually get rid of both the 'becauses' by editing this sentence to, for example:
'I followed him out of brotherly love; a feeling coded into me since our birth as twins.'
or, keeping one of them:
'I followed out of brotherly love for him, being automatically connected to him because we are twins.'
4)quote:
Tonight it happened to be at Lord Karpov's estate, Priscus of the First Estate.
Hmm, shouldn't that be in present tense as well?
5)quote:
Sabastian is here tonight, but no Eric.
Might be just me, but this seems pretty grammatically awkward now. The way it's worded now made me read as if Sebastian is being present, but he is not being Eric. Weird, I know. =P I'd suggest rewording this to something like:
'Sabastian is here tonight, but I see no Eric.'
or
'Tonight, there is Sabastian but no Eric.'
6)quote:
And got along nicely with Tera, whom I just really started to talk to that night.
I get that leaving the subject out of this sentence makes the diary entry feel more informal. However, the missing I it seems a little odd in this particular sentence, as it's not following immediately after the other notes on people he met, but after an explanation on Sabastian. So, imo, leaving out the subject would now feel like referring to the subjects in the previous sentence, which would be Sabastian and Eric. That's why I'd suggest adding the 'I' into the sentence.
The tense has changed here as well. Should this be in the present tense? And why 'that night' as we were reading about 'this night' just a moment ago?
7)quote:
From some guy who's infected by a demon of sorts. Creepy spider looking shadow monsters, still not quite used to this stuff, even if I've been around it for over 50 years.
Imo, the writing gets really confusing and choppy here as you have two incomplete sentences in a row. Also, you have first the demon in singular and then refer to some monsters in plural. Maybe rearranging the contents differently to the two sentences would make this clearer? A suggestion:
'From some guy who's infected by a demon of sorts: a creepy spider-looking shadow monster. I'm still not quite used to this stuff, even if I've been around it for over 50 years.'
(I suspect 'spider-looking' would be a compound modifier and in need of a hyphen)
8)quote:
He basically took a mortal's voice, over a wager. If we can avoid our deepest vice, after thirty-three days and thirty-three nights, she gets her voice back, and the infection leaves this John fellow.
Here it gets even more confusing. Who's the 'she'? What do 'we' have to do with any of this all of the sudden? I was completely lost here, I'm afraid. Could you purrhaps drop a few more pointers or clues for the readers for them to navigate by?
9)quote:
A man named Mojo made a deal with me, if I don't act on my vice, I've got a nice prize waiting at the end of this.
As the last part of the sentence defines the deal, I think that comma would be better off as a colon.
Also, do check the tense, is this supposed to be present or referring to an event a few nights earlier?
10)quote:
Sabastian took me aside about half-way through the night, and talked of things that I cannot yet speak of with anyone.
Again, I think this should be in the present tense. May I suggest for you to go through all the tenses and make the timelines clearer? The last paragraph has also very mixed tenses.
That's all I got for now. =) I hope any of this was helpful, and I'm very interested to read this once you have edited it, so that I can put myself better on the map with all the bets and wagers and vices.
|
|
|
|
