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Fleur Du Mal -> RE: Comments of Story of Zadd (7/16/2010 14:26:45)
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Hiya!
I'm liking your story so far. =) I think you have a nice rhythm in narrating the events and it has light humour, too, which I enjoyed. I wouldn't personally mind a little more description of the persons and surroundings, though. This would help the readers to see even better what's around them when they step into your story.
Technically speaking, I'd suggest for you to add extra lines between your paragraphs, like the one between this and the above sentence. Reading stories from computer screen is rather straining for the eyes and huge walls of text can make it even worse. That's why the common practise around here is to add the empty lines between paragraphs.
There are some grammar and punctuation errors and odd choices of words still there. For example, one does not put a space before commas, periods, etc, only after them. Some of the other mistakes you'd most likely spot by proofreading more carefully, for example here:
quote:
His father’s laboratory was fill with magical objects :
the correct form of the verb 'to fill' would be 'was filled with'
Another way to around this would be 'was full of'
On the other hand in here:
quote:
Know he had his golem , and he could prove his friends wrong
I think you meant 'Now' to reference the instant and not the verb 'to know (something)'.
Anyways, you have a good story in the making. =) I'd just recommend a round of proofreading and putting the technicalities in order and then adding a bit description on how your characters and their surroundings look like to add more magic and spark to your story.
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