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deathwalker05 -> RE: Realm of shadow (8/1/2010 20:42:29)
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quote:
A mountain as high as the sky, with a terrible mist surrounding it, had but a single thing on it, a large castle, the largest thing in this realm, and inside held the lord of the realm The Shadow Lord, some called him, he called himself something different, but it made little sense to refer to himself as such, after all, he truly was the Shadow Lord, why hide it?
First sentence is a run on. Period after "lord of the realm" maybe?
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ragon and human knight, of course, knight was the wrong way of describing them..
do "of course, THOUGH knight" maybe?
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hadow Lord, Enchanted by magic to serve his every command, they were made into slaves, gua
lower case enchanted, change comma after command to period i would do.
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d make it up to the castle, no-one could climb the mountain, that was impossible
period after mountain
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with scales on their arms and legs, their helmet had a horn on its head, shaped like a crescent moon, their eyes were as black as their armour, and completely void of emot
id change comma after arms and legs to period. helmet should be plural, or change their to the or something like that. the eye part doesn't flow well in my opinion.
quote:
Our story starts a few years previous in the year 1405, Aragorth, arch-mage of the temple of Mages was asleep one night, where he awoke to a terrible nightmare, however this was no ordinary nightmare, and he knew it, this nightmare was in fact a prophecy.
Run on. Needs rewording.
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The arch-mages of England, where this story starts, are blessed...
Reword, sounds like your calling the people a place.
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and cursed with visions of the past and future, blessed in the knowledge of the past, but cursed with the future, they see only what the gods will them too, but they are blessed with extraordinary magical abilities, the likes of which no other could posses. Unfortunately, they are forbidden by the gods to use this power for themselves, and must only use it in times of emergency, for if they used it for greed or evil, then the whole world would be cast into hell.
Period after past and future. period after gods will them to. Reword next sentence. Period after emergency.
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Aragorth knew at once what he must do,
Period, not comma.
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Otherwise known as Stonehenge, that was the true temple of the Gods,
Period.
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After a long journey, Aragorth finally arrived at Stonehenge,
period.
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it was.. Uneventful to say the least, if you
comma to period.
quote:
“A knight of valour and glory, young at heart and body, shall vanquish an evil of uncomprehending strength, a blade of shadow shall be his guide, but his curse too shall it hence be known, his enemy dark in the sky, a dragon he must ride to find his foe, tough be his journey, but his prize be glory, so let it henceforth be known, thou who shall die, for the light to vanquish dark”
Run on.
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directly it was as clear as day, a knight.. A young knight will
dont need a knight or ...
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to save the world from darkness, but who would this knight be? He wondered... He looked up
put the thought italicized or quotes, get rid of ...
Also, if you can don't use the ...'s as much, the more you use them the less effective they become. Great story though, look forward to it continuing.
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