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Helixi -> RE: (DF) The Hounds of God- Discussion (12/22/2011 4:09:42)
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My apologies for keeping you waiting such a long time, Kaho. As this is an incredibly long narrative, I'll critique each chapter in a separate post to save posting a massive text wall. Also, as you asked for a full indepth critique over on The Work Table, I'll just do it all here; it makes it easier for me.
So you know the format of my critiques:
Title of chapter/post
quote:
Quote from the story/poem here. Mistakes will be in bold and numbered.
List of criticisms underneath.
1. Crit here.
2. Crit here.
etc.
quote:
The damp, dry air was stifling. The 1. peat-like ground was moist, muddy and let out putrid fumes with the scent of decay. It felt like walking on tar; the 2. soles of their greaves 3. dirty with the unclean soil. The 4. "BadLands", true to its name, was a hellish wasteland. Still, the group trudged on. Their armor made loud, clinking sounds as they went. Two of them were knights, bearing the royal insignia of Swordhaven. One of them was a hooded man, 5. garbed in priestly robes. He carried about a huge backpack full of indecipherable wares, and by his side were a number of dusty, moldy tomes. Leading them was a short, blond haired girl in shimmering silver armor.
They 6. have been journeying for seven days 7. now, with little rest and sleep. Three of their knight companions 8. already fell to 9. sickness, hunger, and to the harsh environment. However, they 10. persevere. Their leader, known as Jeanne D'Arc, 11. is inflamed with great surreal passion. Her teal eyes shone with dedication and 12. will to endure it all. 13. They must succeed, she thought. Her companions, despite 14. the odds heavily against them, 15. honor her decision and comply without doubt as they continue to blindly search the barrens. Except one.
"Captain...Are we really sure he is here?" 16. one of the knights, croaked in a dry, raspy voice.
"You doubt the Order's knowledge, Sir Vice 17. ?", snapped the hooded man.
18. "N-No,...I-"
"Or maybe your weak willed mind is starting to submit to this accursed land19. ? ", the man growled, his eyes burning with anger.
1. I'm loving this strong imagery, but I think it could be worded a little better. Feel free to keep it though, as there's nothing technically wrong with it.
2. Greaves protect the leg, not the foot.
3. This fragment as it is does not make sense. I suggest replacing it with either, 'Were heavy with the unclean soil' or 'were dirtied by the unclean soil'.
4. This is technically not a criticism, but why is 'Land' capitalised?
5. Again, there's nothing wrong with this. However, the words 'priest's robes' would work just as well.
6. 'Had been.' Given that the first paragraph is all in past tense, I assume this is error on your part.
7. If it's in past tense, 'now' is unnecessary. If it's meant to be in present, it should stay in.
8. 'Had already fallen'.
9. They can't fall to all three. Unless you're going to specify which knight died of what, the 'and' should be an 'or'.
10. 'Persevered'.
11. 'Was inflamed'.
12. 'The will to endure it all'.
13. It's standard practise to italicise thoughts.
14. 'Despite the odds weighed heavily against them'.
15. Oh, American spellings, a particular pet peeve of mine. 'honored her decision and complied without doubt as they continued blindly searching the barrens/barren wasteland'. According to my spellchecker, 'barrens' isn't actually a word, but I think it might just need an update.
16. The question mark closed the sentence, so 'one' should be capitalised.
17. The above applies here. In addition, the comma serves no purpose so it can be removed.
18. The comma after 'no' is unneeded and there should be a space after the ellipsis.
19. This is exactly the same mistake as 17. Don't worry, it's simple to correct and chances are you'll remember for the future.
quote:
"Enough, both of you." 1. interfered Jeanne "Our mission is to hunt and execute the traitor, Sir Pulchure... 2. '. She adds, "...If Sir Vice has fallen into the enemy's dark temptations, I will be the judge of that. 3. For now let us not tarry any longer."
The others momentarily fell into silence. They nodded, and moved on.
An hour later, the party 4. is still on the 5. move; relentless to their cause. By now, the wind was even 6. drier and hotter. The humidity worsened with each passing minute, the gaseous odors fuming from the cracked, muddy earth was now too suffocating and foul to be even breathable.
"I-...I can't do it anymore..." gasped Sir Vice. At long last, the weary knight fell to his knees, wheezing and coughing.
"It was only a matter of time." said the hooded man. "Just goes to show how you frail imbeciles are so weak in faith, how you fail to see the great picture that matters most; that we must not fall short before our holy king! Not even trivial matters like weariness must extinguish our souls in carrying out his divine will 7. !", he exclaimed.
8. Sir Vice barely listened to his words, who was by now on the verge of collapse. His fellow knight held him up straight and made him sit to catch some air.
1. 'Interfered Jeanne, "Our..."'.
2. This period after the speech mark is not needed. 'She added'. Also, you're using a combination of the ' and " marks. It's confusing for the reader, so pick one and stick with it.
3. 'For now' is a subordinate clause and so should be followed by a comma.
4. 'Was still'.
5. The semi-colon is in the wrong place as 'relentless to their cause' is not a main clause.
6. The wind cannot be dry while the atmosphere is humid.
7. The comma is unnecessary. 'He' should be capitalised.
8. 'Sir Vice, who was by now on the verge of collapse, barely listened to the priest's words.'
quote:
"C-Captain...Please...We must go back..." 1. pleaded Sir Vice.
The hooded man continued with his 2. furious rants.
"Silence, inquisitor." 3. snapped Jeane.
Jeanne walked over to the exhausted Sir Vice. She knelt until her face came into level with the knight's teary eyes. She extended her arm, and gently gave him a pat on the shoulder, with a vague expression that could somehow be interpreted as a faint smile.
"Come. Rise up. You all know too well that we cannot fail in our quest. We have trekked too far from the safety of our kingdom to even consider returning. There is nothing left for us but to end Sir Pulchure's treachery, even if it costs us our lives."
Suddenly, a dark column of light stabbed the heavens, crackling like mad as it went.
Jeanne returned her gaze to Sir Vice.
1. 'Pleaded'. The period means it has to be capitalised.
2. It should be just 'rant', I think.
3. This is exactly the same mistake as 1.
quote:
1. "Let's go. I won't allow my soldiers to die like starving dogs in this inhospitable wilderness."
"Y-Yes...Ma'am.", Sir Vice weakly 2. nods. But after a moment, a smile 3. formed across his face, as if he was magically rejuvenated then stood up, proud and strong.
The party traced the source 4. of the energy and led them to a nearby cliff 5. overlooking the north. The wind billowed, ripped and lashed out in a chaotic frenzy. The air let out a haunting shriek that sounded like thousands of insects chirping and squirming. At the edge of the cliff, stood a man in crimson armor with demonic spikes protruding from his pauldrons. His hair was 6. the color blood, tinged with the tang of hate and fury and waving with the wind like sentient serpentine locks. His eyes were orbs of pure red energy, crackling and hissing. 7. His ruddy face was pale, devoid of life, with veins bulging at the sides branching towards the center of his face, forming a gruesome mask.
This was the traitor whom they have searched so arduously.
"H-He is a doom knight?!" 8. the inquisitor exclaimed. Fear creeping in his tone.
"Fear not. With the king's blessing and guidance, he will preserve us." 9. said Jeanne, as she prepared to unsheathed her katana.
Sir Pulchure grinned, 10. showing files of teeth most cruel and vicious.
"You..." He spoke, his voice deep and thundering.
"You took her away from me...You ruined my life...and now...you foolish dogs of that wretched king WHO BETRAYED ME...WHO FORSOOK ME...plan to finish the job."
1. Eh? You said earlier they weren't going. I think this is just a case of you not clarifying what's going on very well.
2. 'Nodded'.
3. 'Formed across his face' is fine. However, 'as if he was magically rejuvenated then stood up, proud and strong' needs to be reworded. I would suggest making the whole phrase, 'formed across his face, as if Jeanne had magically rejuvenated him. He stood up, proud and strong'.
4. What energy? You haven't mentioned this earlier.
5. One can't overlook a direction. It 'looks to the north', 'faces the north' or 'overlooks the XXX'.
6. 'The color of blood'.
7. 'Ruddy' means a healthy, pinky-red colour. Therefore, he cannot be 'ruddy' and 'pale' at the same time.
8. 'The inquisitor exclaimed, fear creeping into his tone'.
9. 'Said Jeanne, as she prepared to unsheathe her katana.' Just to note, the Templars were almost your garden variety knight; it was likely none of them had seen or even heard of a katana. However, this is a fantastical setting, so I won't grumble about it.
10. 'Showing cruel/vicious/cruel and vicious filed teeth.'
quote:
"No..no..I can't let that happen...Gravelyn...She..Y-Yes...Yes..YES!" 1., murmured the doom knight to himself, as if talking to a voice inside his head.
However, before he could finish his insane chatter, the inquisitor rolled out an aged scroll upon the ground and started chanting. Jeanne ordered her knights to encircle the 2. doom knight. One of the knights produced a metal globe and flung it at Sir Pulchure. Somewhat confused, he let out a pulse of dark energy to block the mysterious projectile. The orb diffused, 3. and exploded before him, and let out a blinding light that enveloped the whole cliff.
Sir Pulchure was dazed from the concussion,4. still standing not knowing what to do; as if he wasn't sure on how to use his new dark powers.
The inquisitor finished his chant and stabbed the scroll with a golden crucifix. A circle of light then slowly carved itself beneath Sir Pulchure. Magical runes danced around the edges of the circle, slowly gaining speed with each revolution. Suddenly, a cross 5. forms in the middle of the circle and gold, glistening chains burst out from the ground, 6. constricting Sir Pulchure's limbs and torso. They were white hot, melting 7. even through his crimson armor. The chains pulled and tugged, forcing him to the ground.
The doom knight was now kneeling, chained, and at the group's mercy.
"Sir Vice...You may have the honors. Do it quick 8..", commanded Jeanne.
Sir Vice nodded and hastily drew his sword, about to decapitate the traitor, Sir Pulchure. With this single, final strike, they would end years worth of trouble against the kingdom and King Alteon.
Slash!
The grim sound of cold steel ripping through flesh.
1. The comma shouldn't be here, because the exclamation mark closed the speech. 'Murmured' should be capitalised, as should 'doom knight' as it's a title.
2. 'Doom Knight'.
3. The first 'and' should not be in there because it's a list of what the orb does. The sentence will be fine without this word.
4. This needs some rewording. Your meaning is clear, but the phrase could be written much better.
5. 'Formed'.
6. 'To constrict' means 'to make something smaller'. Clearly, these chains did not break Sir Pulchure's limbs; I would suggest the word 'entangling' or 'trapping'.
7. I'm not sure that can actually happen, but I'll ignore it given the setting. The word 'even' is not needed in this sentence either.
8. The comma is not needed. 'Commanded' should be capitalised.
Prologue-Part 2.
quote:
Blood poured over the ground.
Everyone’s eyes 1. fixated at the gruesome sight.
Sir Vice looked at his companions in confusion, until he tasted the bitter tang of crimson liquid dripping from his lips.
His 2. throat was cut open by his own blade resting upon his breastplate which was soaked with his blood.
“C-Captain…I--“ Those were the last words of the knight as he fell dead.
“The monster’s influence is spreading!” Warned the inquisitor.
Without a moment to lose, Jeanne, infuriated with the loss of her soldier, charged at Sir Pulchure along with the other knight. She drew her katana and made a quick scraping motion against the ground, as if lighting a match, and instantly her blade was set ablaze. Her scorching sword glided with ease leaving a trail of embers in its wake, set towards the doom knight’s neck. However, a few inches before hitting its mark, Jeanne’s katana paused in mid-air as if unseen forces had gotten hold of her hand. Immediately, she was flung hard off the ground. 3. The other knight though was not as unfortunate. Approaching the enemy from behind, he drove his sword against Sir Pulchure’s back. Golden runes etched upon the blade flickered as it tore through the demonic scarlet armor, piercing all the way through Sir Pulchure’s chest.
For moment, it seemed like he had succeeded but the doom knight only sneered.
“FOOLS.”
Soon, bony ligaments began to creep out of his head, forming some sort of frame as fleshy material began to mask his head. The form grew fangs and great horns, revealing the visage of a dreadful dragon.
1. 'Fixed'.
2. What? How would that work? Clarify this please.
3. This should either be 'The other knight, though, was not as unfortunate' or 'The other knight wasn't as unfortunate'.
quote:
“I NOW SEE…WITH PURPOSE.”
Surprised, the knight quickly withdrew his sword from the monster’s body and 1. attempts a second strike, this time to decapitate him. But, the enemy was prepared. As he swung his sword, he is met with a wave of pure black darkness 2. encroaching at high speed emitting a screeching sound so foul and evil. With his holy blade, he slashed through it, suffering only minor injuries. The 3. doom knight was now trying to break loose from the binding chains, 4. while inquisitor tries to cast another spell.
The 5. knight somehow annoyed at the enemy’s resistance, grabbed a vial from his pouch and 6. spewed all of its contents unto the latter. The liquid smelt of sulfur 7. , and burned through the doom knight’s armor making him flinch in agony. Jeanne recovered and returned to aid her party in the fight.
The inquisitor finally finished the second chant 8. , and sliced off one of his fingers, squirming in the process, as his blood trickled over the scroll. This time, a circle of light hovered above the restrained Sir Pulchure, and rained hundreds of ethereal swords upon him. The luminous blades punched through him, leaving cauterized and smoldering holes through his armor, reducing him to an undecipherable mass of charred flesh and bone.
Jeanne walked over his burnt carcass and performed the rites of damnation 9. over his now accursed soul. As she was about to utter the final words, the seemingly destroyed traitor emerged from his own carcass, whole and without a speck of damage. The doom knight towered over Jeanne, who was only about half his size, and back handed her 10. across the face sending her several feet away. The knight hacked his arm clean off, but it reformed 11. right back nonetheless. He swiftly retaliated, punching sizable hole through the knight and lifted him up in the air. Still defiant, the knight 12. performed an act of desperation, brandishing his sword like wild and even managed to slice through Sir Pulchure’s chest.
Annoyed, the knight of doom grabbed him with both arms drained the life out him, leaving the valiant knight now only a withered husk of his former self. Sir Pulchure then 13. dropped him crumbling to dust as he hit the ground. The former now has his eyes on the inquisitor who had been a great "nuisance".
1. 'Attempted'.
2. 'Approaching at high speed emitting a foul and evil screech' would possibly fit better.
3. Doom Knight.
4. 'While the Inquisitor tried to cast...'
5. 'Somehow annoyed' is a subordinate clause and so should be surrounded by commas.
6. This makes absolutely no sense, which is a bit saddening, I think. This fight is so interesting, but this has no place in it unless you reword it to make sense.
7. 'The liquid smelt of sulfur and burned through the Doom Knight's armor' is a main clause, and 'making him flinch in agony' is a subordinate clause. This means they should be separated by a comma. I'd just add to that; how is he only flinching if he's in agony? He has massive mental discipline if that's the case.
8. The first comma is unnecessary as it's followed by 'and'. The last two clauses don't make sense next to each other. In my opinion, it should either be 'squirming as his blood trickled over the scroll' or 'squirming in the process. He watched with blood trickle over the scroll.'
9. This technically isn't a criticism, but 'damnation' implies his soul is cursed. I also dislike repeating the same word so close together if it's not for emphasis. But keeping or getting rid of this phrase is up to you as there's technically nothing wrong with it.
10. 'sending her several feet away' is a subordinate clause so should be preceded by a comma.
11. I suggest a word like 'straight away' or 'immediately' as 'right back nonetheless' is just... odd to read.
12. I'd suggest rewording this.
13. This is great imagery, however, the wording makes it a bit strange to visualise. I'd suggest something like 'Sir Pulchure dropped the knight, who crumbled to dust when he hit the ground'.
quote:
By now the inquisitor was performing a third chant, but unfortunately for him, the doom knight pounced on him with unbelievable speed. 1 He slammed the inquisitor against the ground with such impact it produced a small crater. With a broken hip and arm, the inquisitor refused to die easily. From his tattered robes, he grabbed another golden crucifix and plunged it deep into Sir Pulchure’s glowing red hot eyes. For a moment, he howled in pain but pulled it away and ripped open the inquisitor’s breast plate. He dug through the fallen inquisitor’s bare chest, as the latter screamed in anguish. He ended the miserable man’s life by pulling out his heart and 2. squished it on his blood soaked palms.
Sir Pulchure, 3. victorious and triumphant, stood at the edge of the cliff.
“FEEBLE WEAKLINGS. YOUR WEAK MORTAL MINDS CANNOT COMPREHEND THIS ANCIENT POWER! YOUR FRAIL BODIES WILL CRUMBLE TO ASH BEFORE ITS RAW POWER!” Gloated the doom knight.
Then came a sharp, numbing sensation across his back. Then another. Soon it came in rapid succession.
He glanced over his shoulder to discover that he failed to dispatch the short blond haired girl who was by now carving her sword through his back in quick graceful strokes.
Angered, he clawed at her, but Jeanne ducked and 4. retaliates by doing a somersault, twirling her body and 5. lands her steel boot heel against the 6. doom knight’s face knocking him off balance. He then shot a beam of darkness at her, but the latter effortlessly evaded it. Jeanne was now working her way through his armor, cleaving and slashing as she moved around him.
1. Unless these Inquisitors are made of near superhuman stuff, that would kill a person.
2. 'squashed'. In my opinion, Sir Pulchure eating the heart would be cooler. :D
3. 'Victorious' and 'triumphant' mean the same thing. Therefore, one would be more powerful instead of the two words.
4. 'retaliated'.
5. 'landed'.
6. Doom Knight.
quote:
“You pesky worm!” Exclaimed Sir Pulchure, who was having a hard time catching the small, agile girl.
He glowed a monstrous glow, 1. the air around him tearing apart and infernal flames sprayed forth from the ground. The dry earth cracked and 2. out came jet black tendrils. They hastily seized Jeanne but the tendrils faded into nothingness as they touched her.
He batted an evil eye in surprise, but had no time to properly question why his powers failed as Jeanne's fiery blade was inches away from cleaving through his neck. She struck him hard enough to have him stagger a few steps backward. He groaned and cursed in pain as green slime oozed out of his gaping wound. His demonic eyes 3. bore into her with great menace. He raised both arms 4. at her direction, a pose signifying a summoning spell. Quick to analyze, Jeanne dashed forward and immediately slashed off one of his hands but she was a few seconds too slow.
The ground belched out a grotesque mountain of skulls and bones, entombing Jeanne then 5. gradually reformed itself- displaying her like a puppet upon a throne in a most darkly macabre fashion.
He had finally caught his last enemy. 6. Out of his right hand, evil powers gathered, creating a sheet of darkness. The wind howled with frenzy. The bloody sky darkened 7. ‘till pitch black. 8. And out of the darkness came a crimson blade, with bones for hilt.
It spoke.
“It took you 9. a while enough…”
1. This needs some rewording.
2. 'and black tendrils emerged' might flow better.
3. 'bore into hers, glowing with great menace' might fit better.
4. 'at her' or 'in her direction', but not 'at her direction'.
5. 'The ground belched out a grotesque mountain of skulls and bones, entombing Jeanne then gradually reforming itself around her, displaying her like a puppet on a throne in a most macabre fashion.'
6. 'Over'.
7. 'to' or 'until it was'.
8. You shouldn't start sentences with 'and', strictly speaking. Without 'and', the sentence is perfect.
9. 'it took you a while' or 'it took you long enough'.
quote:
“It doesn’t matter. It all ends here now.” Replied the 1. doom knight.
He returned his demonic gaze to the restrained Jeanne 2. , her limbs were tightly held by a dense piles of bones. For some reason, the throne of death managed to effectively capture her.
Or so he thought; as he noticed to his dismay that parts of it were starting to wear out in the same inexplicable manner. He had to act fast.
3. He pointed his ruinous sword at her and said,
“I admire your zeal, valor and ferocity, inquisitor. But sadly, you fought for the wrong cause.”
“And now, you will share the fate of all those who have wronged me!”
In a swift motion, he drove the blade through her; the latter shrieked in pain.
“Y-You cannot kill me…But remember this…I WILL hunt you down even if it takes a thousand years! You cannot run from me traitor…” Grunted Jeanne as her face distorted with agony and blood watered down her mouth.
“I see. I will wait for that time.” Replied Sir Pulchure, his tone now mellow and natural, devoid of his previous hellish chatter.
He pulled out the sword, gripped Jeanne by neck and brought her over the edge of the cliff.
“I will be waiting, Inquisitor.” He whispered 4. through Jeanne’s ear.
And with that he lets go of her, causing her to plummet down the bottomless chasm.
As Jeanne fell, time seemed 5. to have slowed down. As her consciousness slowly faded and became hazy, she saw the lasting image of her party slaughtered at the hands of a monster. How she has been a terrible leader. How her last actions could have redeemed her of her past deeds.
All of it.
Gone.
1. Doom Knight.
2. This should be a semi-colon/dash/period/connective.
3. There's no need for this speech to be on as new line because it's Sir Pulchure speaking and not a new person.
4. 'into'.
5. 'time seemed to slow down'.
That's the first two parts of your critique finally finished, Kaho. :D
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