|
Faerdin -> RE: (DF) The Orgin Disscusion Thread. (8/13/2012 14:26:31)
|
First off, corrections! Woot!
quote:
The air was cool, and a faint breeze wafted up bringing the scent of the ocean into the fishing town of Lalu Pooka. The air was cool and a faint breeze wafted up, bringing the scent of the ocean into the fishing town of Lalu Pooka.quote:
Located directly across the sea from osprey cove, it was a small, yet important, fishing community. Located directly across the sea from Osprey Cove, it was a small, yet important, fishing community.quote:
When she spoke, her voice sounded joyful; and yet there was sorrow in her eyes. When she spoke, her voice sounded joyful, yet there was sorrow in her eyes.quote:
After that they were put to work on a fishing boat; or were given a different job that needed to be done, and was easy for a child to do. After that they were put to work on a fishing boat, or were given a different job that needed to be done and was easy for a child to do.quote:
“I understand that many of you are disgruntled by Imaru’s actions, and his constant lack of self-control. I will speak to an associate of mine from Osprey Cove who is visiting tomorrow. It is first mate Rhubarb, a friend of mine from way back when. I will see if he can take the boy under his wing.” He stated and walked back into the office. “I understand that many of you are disgruntled by Imaru’s actions, and his constant lack of self-control. I will speak to an associate of mine from Osprey Cove who is visiting tomorrow. It is first mate Rhubarb, a friend of mine from way back when. I will see if he can take the boy under his wing,” he stated and walked back into the office.quote:
“Can’t you hit harder than that?” Imaru asked as he spit blood. “Can’t you hit harder than that?” Imaru asked as he spat blood.quote:
“You don’t know when to give up do you?” asked the largest, and the leader of the bullies, Zander. “You don’t know when to give up, do you?” asked the largest, and the leader of the bullies, Zander.quote:
As he tried to get up he was kicked in the side by Eulicid, one of the large brute’s lackeys; and then kicked again by Tarnith, the other lackey. As he tried to get up, he was kicked in the side by Eulicid, one of the large brute’s lackeys, and then kicked again by Tarnith, the other lackey. (Might want to consider breaking down the sentence here)quote:
Turning towards, the now pale Eulicid, he laughed. Turning towards the now pale Eulicid, he laughed.quote:
As he neared the pier, he saw a large gray haired man, wearing a brown coat, with a patch over his eye. As he neared the pier, he saw a large, gray haired man wearing a brown coat, with a patch over his eye.quote:
“Aye I’ve met the lad,” he replied as he snatched his wallet from Imaru's hands. “And I don’t like him. “Aye, I’ve met the lad,” he replied as he snatched his wallet from Imaru's hands. “And I don’t like him."quote:
“Tell me White, why do you want me to take this lad anyway?” Rhubarb asked. “If he be half the trouble you say he is, he’ll be a pain in me side more often than not.” “Tell me, White, why do you want me to take this lad anyway?” Rhubarb asked. “If he be half the trouble you say he is, he’ll be a pain in me side more often than not.”quote:
Suddenly Imaru chimed in, “I don’t want to go with him Mayor White. HE TRIED TO SHOOT ME!” Suddenly Imaru chimed in, “I don’t want to go with him, Mayor White. HE TRIED TO SHOOT ME!”quote:
The mayor then noticed the stern look on Rhubarb’s face, “You mean to tell me you missed? HOW?” The mayor then noticed the stern look on Rhubarb’s face. “You mean to tell me you missed? HOW?”quote:
“Ask the boy, he was the one who dodged.” Rhubarb replied. “Ask the boy, he was the one who dodged,” Rhubarb replied.quote:
Slowly Imaru recounted what had happened, Slowly, Imaru recounted what had happened.quote:
“What is it White?” Rhubarb asked. “What is it, White?” Rhubarb asked.quote:
“It says that a Pirate known as Karnith managed to steal the scroll, and while being pursued, he read it gaining the abilities it held, then he destroyed it. He did so for the sole purpose of keeping the Ninja from ever having the upper hand.” “It says that a Pirate known as Karnith managed to steal the scroll, and while being pursued, he read it, gaining the abilities it held, then he destroyed it. He did so for the sole purpose of keeping the Ninja from ever having the upper hand.”quote:
As he grew closer to shore he noticed that the docks where missing, the ships where gone and the village had been burned. As he grew closer to shore he noticed that the docks were missing, the ships were gone, and the village had been burned.quote:
Once he reached the shore he jumped up, and began calling out the names of everyone he knew, only to hear his own cries echoing back at him. Once he reached the shore, he jumped up and began calling out the names of everyone he knew, only to hear his own cries echoing back at him.quote:
Imaru decided to leave the horse and hike, as he preferred to be alone; and didn’t even want the horse for company. Imaru decided to leave the horse and hike, as he preferred to be alone and didn’t even want the horse for company.quote:
As he approached the location marked on his map, a large creature, with fur and horns, appeared out of nowhere. As he approached the location marked on his map, a large creature with fur and horns appeared out of nowhere.quote:
‘I’m trying to find the people that destroyed my home… I cannot run anymore’ he thought to himself. I’m trying to find the people that destroyed my home… I cannot run anymore, he thought to himself. (Dialogue uses quotation marks while thoughts use italics)quote:
Suddenly a creature, no higher than three hands appeared on the dragons head. Suddenly, a creature no higher than three hands appeared on the dragon's head.quote:
It smiled at Imaru, and called out a greeting, as the dragon just glared. It smiled at Imaru and called out a greeting as the dragon just glared.quote:
The Great red dragon rose up; its eyes piercing me like daggers. The great, red dragon rose up, its eyes piercing me like daggers.quote:
It would laugh, a wicked smile appearing on its’ already evil looking face, “Looks like I’ll be seeing you in another 3 years.” It laughed, a wicked smile appearing on its already evil looking face. “Looks like I’ll be seeing you in another 3 years.” (Using "It would" and such makes the sentence sound as though it is being recalled rather than actually happening)quote:
The dragon would then spread its wings and would rapidly propel itself into the air, and be gone without a second look. Slowly, and cautiously, he would turn looking into the woods. The priestess had gone that way, He thought to himself. She might know more about the emblem on this damned shield, She could tell me who destroyed my town, and why! The dragon then spread its wings and rapidly propelled itself into the air, leaving without a second look. Slowly and cautiously he turned, looking into the woods. The priestess had gone that way, he thought to himself. She might know more about the emblem on this damned shield. She could tell me who destroyed my town, and why!quote:
“NO!” the rabbit like creature would cry out, “That’s not a carpet, it’s a gorilaphant!” he would finish as the Gorilaphant roared, slamming its massive fist into the rabbit creature, sending him flying. Imaru would draw his sword from his scabbard, as the rabbit like creature landed at his feet. “You again! Pwease, help the Pwiestess, she can’t fight that monster and protect the box!” “NO,” the rabbit like creature cried out, “That’s not a carpet, it’s a gorillaphant!” He finished as the Gorilaphant roared, slamming its massive fist into the rabbit creature and sending him flying. Imaru drew his sword from his scabbard as the rabbit like creature landed at his feet. “You again! Pwease, help the Pwiestess, she can’t fight that monster and protect the box!”quote:
Imaru would nod, and then proceed to charge through the brush, entering the clearing with the priestess. As the massive fist of the monster bore down upon her, Imaru would swiftly step between, blocking the blow with his sword as his free hand drew the pistol from its holster. The Gorilaphant would roar again, only to be silenced as gun fired, and the shot echoed through the forest. Imaru would slowly slip the pistol back into its holster, while he wiped the blood off of his cutlass.
“Thank you…” the priestess would pause, expecting him to give his name. Imaru nodded and then proceed to charge through the brush, entering the clearing with the priestess. As the massive fist of the monster bore down upon her, Imaru swiftly stepped between them, blocking the blow with his sword as his free hand drew the pistol from its holster. The Gorillaphant roared again, only to be silenced as gun fired, and the shot echoed through the forest. Imaru slowly slipped the pistol back into its holster while he wiped the blood off of his cutlass.
“Thank you…” The priestess paused, expecting him to give his name.quote:
“Its Imaru,” he would bow slightly, “and what can I call you?” he would ask.
“Oh, forgive me, where are my manners? My name is Celestia, and this, “she would gesture towards the rabbit creature “is Twilly. He’s a moglin, and friendly by nature.” She would finish as Twilly waved.
“Lady Celestia, I do have a question” Imaru would begin as he pulled out the shield from his pack. “I was wondering if you, by chance, knew what this symbol meant.” He would finish showing her the shield. As she looked at it her eyes became distant. She would reply, slowly, almost as if she had to choose her words as to not give too much information away. “It's Imaru.” He bowed slightly. “And what can I call you?” he asked.
“Oh, forgive me, where are my manners? My name is Celestia, and this," she gestured towards the rabbit creature, “is Twilly. He’s a moglin, and friendly by nature.” She finished as Twilly waved.
“Lady Celestia, I do have a question,” Imaru began as he pulled out the shield from his pack. “I was wondering if you, by chance, knew what this symbol meant.” He finished, showing her the shield. As she looked at it her eyes became distant. She replied slowly, almost as if she had to choose her words as to not give too much information away.quote:
“No, sadly I don’t. However, Rolith at the Oaklore keep might know. Oh and when you arrive, please let him know that me and Twilly are taking the shortcut through the forest.” She would smile as the two of them set off into the woods. Imaru would sigh, he was no closer to finding out who attacked his home, but he now had a possible source. “No, sadly I don’t. However, Rolith at the Oaklore keep might know. Oh, and when you arrive, please let him know that Twilly and I are taking the shortcut through the forest.” She smiled as the two of them set off into the woods. Imaru sighed. He was no closer to finding out who attacked his home, but he now had a possible source.quote:
The walls of the keep, made up of simple stone had vines and roots entwining through it. Evidence that it had been here nearly as long as the tree it was built around. The walls of the keep, made up of simple stone, had vines and roots entwining through it; evidence that it had been there nearly as long as the tree it was built around.quote:
Other segments of the keep where actually built protruding from the massive trunk. Other segments of the keep were actually built protruding from the massive trunk.quote:
“Halt! This is Oaklore Keep. Home to the Pactogonal Order. What business do you have here?” He asked, his hand resting upon the hilt of his sword. “Halt! This is Oaklore Keep, home to the Knights of the Pactagonal Table. What business do you have here?” He asked, his hand resting upon the hilt of his sword.quote:
“I come looking for information, and I also have a message for a Knight named Rolith. It’s from Lady Celestia.” Imaru would reply easily. “I come looking for information, and I also have a message for a Knight named Rolith. It’s from Lady Celestia,” Imaru replied easily.quote:
“A message from the good lady? Quick come in! Rolith is in the central courtyard, you can’t miss him.” “A message from the good lady? Quick, come in! Rolith is in the central courtyard, you can’t miss him.”quote:
Inside the walls was just as beautiful as outside. Inside the walls were just as beautiful as outside.quote:
This time however, was not the time for exploring. This time, however, was not the time for exploring.quote:
He was wearing an extravagant guard’s armor, draconic wings jutting out from large shoulder pauldrons. He was wearing extravagant guard’s armor, draconic wings jutting out from large shoulder pauldrons.quote:
As he finished he would pull out the shield, the symbol still visible on its smooth surface. Upon seeing the symbol Rolith would swing his hammer at Imaru. As he finished, he pulled out the shield, the symbol still visible on its smooth surface. Upon seeing the symbol, Rolith swung his hammer at Imaru.quote:
“How dare you walk into my Keep, you Shadowscythe scum!” he would yell. Imaru would lift the shield, barely blocking the blow. Without hesitation he would spin around the knight, dropping the shield and drawing his pistol. Putting the pistol to Rolith’s head he would ask, “Shadowscythe? What in Neptune’s name be a shadow scythe?” “How dare you walk into my Keep, you Shadowscythe scum!” he yelled. Imaru lifted the shield, barely blocking the blow. Without hesitation, he spun around the knight, dropping the shield and drawing his pistol. Putting the pistol to Rolith’s head, he asked, “Shadowscythe? What in Neptune’s name be a Shadowscythe?”quote:
Shock would roll across Rolith's face. “You mean you don’t know… you’re not a shadow scythe? Then how did you get that shield?” he would ask, fear, anger, and confusion flashing across his features. Shock rolled across Rolith's face. “You mean you don’t know? You’re not a Shadowscythe? Then how did you get that shield?” he asked, fear, anger, and confusion flashing across his features.quote:
Imaru would lower the pistol, keeping his eyes on the knight. “I was returning to my village, Lalu Pooka. When I arrived the village was destroyed. This was all that was left. I’m looking for answers. That be all.” Imaru lowered the pistol, keeping his eyes on the knight. “I was returning to my village, Lalu Pooka. When I arrived the village was destroyed. This was all that was left. I’m looking for answers. That be all.”quote:
He would explain, ending the conversation with Imaru, and he would begin barking out orders. He explained, ending the conversation with Imaru and beginning to bark out orders.quote:
“Rolith, I also have a message for you. It’s from Lady Celestia.” Imaru would start. “Rolith, I also have a message for you. It’s from Lady Celestia,” Imaru started.quote:
“A message? From Celestia?!?! Why didn’t you tell me sooner?” He would spin his full attention back on Imaru. “A message? From Celestia?! Why didn’t you tell me sooner?” He spun his full attention back on Imaru. (Unnecessary amount of exclamation/question marks)quote:
“Hard to relay a message when a hammer is swinging at me face.” Imaru would retort, an embarrassed look cutting across Rolith’s face. “She says she is taking the shortcut through the woods.” he would relay what Lady Celestia had told him. “Hard to relay a message when a hammer is swinging at me face,” Imaru retorted, an embarrassed look cutting across Rolith’s face. “She says she is taking the shortcut through the woods.” He relayed what Lady Celestia had told him.quote:
“WHAT?! Imaru, go and find her! The woods are not safe! And if what you said about the shadow scythe is true, then the lady is in extreme danger!” “WHAT?! Imaru, go and find her! The woods are not safe! And if what you said about the Shadowscythe is true, then the lady is in extreme danger!”quote:
He needed to find Lady Celestia, before the Shadowscythe did. He needed to find Lady Celestia before the Shadowscythe did.quote:
As he ran, he would hear a commotion off to his left, and he broke through the brush, to find a Man, with black hair, rugged muscles, and a large sword resting on his shoulder. As he ran, he heard a commotion off to his left, and he broke through the brush to find a man with black hair, rugged muscles, and a large sword resting on his shoulder.quote:
“Give up the box Priestess, and we’ll kill you quickly.” he would say, his voice seeping with hatred. “Give up the box Priestess, and we’ll kill you quickly," he said, his voice seeping with hatred.quote:
It was at this point, Lady Celestia noticed that Imaru had entered the clearing. “Imaru! We MUST protect the Black Dragon Box at all costs!” she cried out, as the man and his bandits started to close in. It was at this point Lady Celestia noticed that Imaru had entered the clearing. “Imaru! We MUST protect the Black Dragon Box at all costs!” she cried out as the man and his bandits started to close in.quote:
He would nod, pulling his cutlass from its scabbard. “I don’t know who you are, or why you want the box, but you’d better…” He nodded, pulling his cutlass from its scabbard. “I don’t know who you are or why you want the box, but you’d better-”quote:
“My name is DRAKATH! I am the leader of the Darkwolf bandits and the rightful ruler of this land. THAT box is the key to my throne, and there’s no way I’m letting a peasant," he would spit the word, twisting it into an insult, "like you keep it from me.” Drakath would interrupt, rage and hatred painted on his features, and dripping from his voice. “My name is DRAKATH! I am the leader of the Darkwolf bandits and the rightful ruler of this land. THAT box is the key to my throne, and there’s no way I’m letting a peasant," he spat the word, twisting it into an insult, "like you keep it from me,” Drakath interrupted, rage and hatred painted on his features, and dripping from his voice.quote:
he would laugh, taunting Imaru. By this time, he had had enough of this mans mouth. He would quickly snap his pistol from his hip, taking aim at Drakath. He laughed, taunting Imaru. By this time, he had had enough of this man's mouth. He quickly snapped his pistol from his hip, taking aim at Drakath.quote:
“You talk big, but you don’t look so tough. I was just going to take the box and leave, but you just,” he would cock his pistol, “made it personal. Lets see what you’ve got.” “You talk big, but you don’t look so tough. I was just going to take the box and leave, but you just,” he cocked his pistol, “made it personal. Lets see what you’ve got.”quote:
Drakath’s smart aleck smirk would be replaced by fierceness. Drakath’s smart aleck smirk was replaced by fierceness.quote:
And his gift, given to him from his ancestor told him how the bullet from his pistol would fly. In the span of a hear beat, he would pull the trigger, re-cock the pistol and fire again. The bandits standing to Drakath’s side had barely drew there swords before the bullet hit them, dropping both to the ground. And his gift, given to him from his ancestor, told him how the bullet from his pistol would fly. In the span of a heartbeat, he pulled the trigger, re-cocked the pistol, and fired again. The bandits standing to Drakath’s side had barely drawn their swords before the bullets hit them, dropping both to the ground.quote:
Imaru would smile, slipping the pistol back into his belt as Drakath leapt at him, sword raised high. As it swung down, Imaru would block, swiping the sword to the right, as he kicked out ward. His boot, landing a blow to Drakath’s chest would send him stumbling backward. Imaru smiled, slipping the pistol back into his belt as Drakath leapt at him, sword raised high. As it swung down, Imaru blocked, swiping the sword to the right as he kicked outward. His boot, landing a blow to Drakath’s chest, sent him stumbling backward.quote:
Imaru would step forward, placing his cutlass to Drakath’s throat. Imaru stepped forward, placing his cutlass to Drakath’s throat.quote:
“I’m…Impossible!” drakath would stutter. “I-impossible!” Drakath stuttered.quote:
Silently a small green creature, with large, pointed ears would move behind Imaru, snorting with glee as his eyes laid upon the box. “Ooooooh box!” just as silently, he would place the box on top of his head, holding it with both hands, and would vanish into the woods. Silently, a small, green creature with large, pointed ears would move behind Imaru, snorting with glee as his eyes laid upon the box. “Ooooooh box!” Just as silently, he placed the box on top of his head, holding it with both hands, and vanished into the woods.quote:
Imaru would say, taking a step back, letting Drakath rise to one knee. Imaru said, taking a step back and letting Drakath rise to one knee.quote:
Quickly he would toss a small capsule to the ground, releasing a smoke screen and by the time it cleared, he would be gone. under his breath, Imaru would mutter. "An that be why i hate ninjas...." He quickly tossed a small capsule to the ground, releasing a smoke screen and by the time it cleared, he was gone. Under his breath, Imaru would mutter, "An' that be why I hate ninjas...." (Might want to consider sentence fragmenting here)quote:
“Lady Celestia, I’m glad I got to you in time." he would say as he turned to face her.
Lady Celestia, who had witnessed the whole fight, and the sneevil, would approach Imaru. “Thank you, I am grateful for the rescue. Alas, the box was taken by a sneevil while you where busy smack-talking.
“WHAT?!” Imaru would shout with surprise and distraught. “Why didn’t you say something?” “Lady Celestia, I’m glad I got to you in time," he said as he turned to face her.
Lady Celestia, who had witnessed the whole fight and the sneevil, approached Imaru. “Thank you, I am grateful for the rescue. Alas, the box was taken by a sneevil while you where busy smack-talking."
“WHAT?!” Imaru shouted with surprise and distress. “Why didn’t you say something?”quote:
“You must recover the black dragon box before it falls into the wrong hands. Travel to Falconreach and meet Twilly there, he has friends who will be able to help you find that sneevil. “You must recover the Black Dragon Box before it falls into the wrong hands. Travel to Falconreach and meet Twilly there, he has friends who will be able to help you find that Sneevil.quote:
Imaru would sigh. “Alright, I will travel to Falconreach… but what about you priestess?” he would ask. Imaru sighed. “Alright, I will travel to Falconreach… but what about you priestess?” he asked.quote:
“Well… if you are going after the box with Twilly, then…” she would pause to thin, “…I am going to teleport back home and have some tea. Thank you. Bye!” and as she finished she would vanish, leaving Imaru standing there awestruck. Finally he would start to head back to Oaklore Keep to rest and gather supplies. His thoughts focusing on one thing. ‘What could be so important about that box?’ “Well, if you are going after the box with Twilly, then…” She paused to think. “I am going to teleport back home and have some tea. Thank you. Bye!” As she finished, she vanished, leaving Imaru standing there, awestruck. Finally he would start to head back to Oaklore Keep to rest and gather supplies, his thoughts focusing on one thing: What could be so important about that box?
Aside from these mistakes, there are a few things that caught my eye.
1) From the way this is written, Imaru's Dragon Amulet seems insignificant, as though it is merely an afterthought. Perhaps its origins could be expanded upon, or a scene where the Dragon Amulet is given to Imaru could be written.
2) Rolith's reaction to the Shadowscythe symbol seems a little harsh and out-of-character.
Either way, you're on to an interesting start with your story, Imaru. ;)
EDIT
I see you've updated your story. Just some minor corrections to the new part.quote:
Rhubarb had told him to pack lightly, and take only things that meant allot to him, which was to say, nothing. Slowly Imaru started to head for the docks. Rhubarb had told him to pack lightly, and take only things that meant a lot to him, which was to say, nothing. Slowly, Imaru started to head for the docks.quote:
Sure he didn’t fit in, but he didn’t want to leave. As he reached the fence that stood around Mayor Whites home, he paused. Sure, he didn’t fit in, but he didn’t want to leave. As he reached the fence that stood around Mayor White's home, he paused.quote:
“You need to leave Imaru. Its for the best.” The mayor said as he approached Imaru from behind.
“Its not fair. Why do I have to leave?” Imaru asked, tears forming in his eyes. “You need to leave, Imaru. It's for the best,” The mayor said as he approached Imaru from behind.
“It's not fair. Why do I have to leave?” Imaru asked, tears forming in his eyes.quote:
“Because,” the mayor began, as he leaned against the fence, “You are destined for far greater things. You have a gift, Imaru, and if you can learn to use it. Who knows? You might one day just save all of lore.” “Because,” the mayor began as he leaned against the fence. “You are destined for far greater things. You have a gift, Imaru, and if you can learn to use it, who knows? You might one day just save all of Lore.”quote:
Slowly the mayor pulled a small amulet from his pocket, sitting on a chain. Slowly, the mayor pulled a small amulet from his pocket, sitting on a chain.quote:
he handed Imaru the amulet as he finished. He handed Imaru the amulet as he finished.quote:
“Thank you.” Imaru whispered as he hugged Mayor White, before sprinting off to the docks. “Thank you,” Imaru whispered as he hugged Mayor White, before sprinting off to the docks.quote:
Slowly, A woman, adorned in elegant white robes with gold trimming approached.
“Good evening, Lady Celestia. Could I invite you in for some tea?” The mayor would ask. Slowly, a woman adorned in elegant white robes with gold trimming approached.
“Good evening, Lady Celestia. Could I invite you in for some tea?” The mayor asked.
Loved the section you added in! Here's hoping Imaru uncovers more about his mother. She seems quite significant!
|
|
|
|
