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Master Samak -> RE: (DF) Varen-Everyone has a dark side (1/14/2012 6:22:09)
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Hello, Varen! It has been some time since I have tried a full-blown critique, so be sure to take all regards with a grain of salt. Do keep in mind also that my objective is to address the content, not necessarily the author or his thoughts. In other words, do not be at all offended for that is not my intent. Now, let's see what we can't do in detail.
1.quote:
He is a well known soldier who collaborates with the guardians to defend Falconreach. In my dictionary references, the word "well known" should be a hyphenated "well-known".
---Also, because the name of group of people protecting Falconreach and keeping guard over their tower is actually established by Artix Entertainment and themselves as a class, it would be best to clarify the second bolded word as the proper noun, "Guardians". Consistency is key here.
2.quote:
His life is happy because there are no armies attacking, so he doesn't have to do anything. Here I would give suggestion toward the tenses of the bolded words. As it is now, the sentence seems extremely current, to this very second. Varen's life is happy because are no armies attacking him right now and so he doesn't have to do anything right now. It's very... selective or restricted to a simple state of condition. Does that make any sense? I would suggest rewriting it to something like, "His life is happy because there have been no armies attacking Falconreach for some time, and so he has been able to rest." It helps the reader understand that there has been a time of peace in Falconreach, that there is no army Falconreach is aware of just resting a ways beyond town and will attack again. Talk to me if this didn't help.
3.quote:
Unfortunately this all changes when he meets a man called Drake (The main character in DF). Because this is an adverb, modifying the sentence to address the opinion of the author, there probably should be a comma after "Unfortunately".
---Also, it would be perhaps best to clarify the sentence in parenthesese. You might be writing differently, but I would almost always suggest imagining you're writing to readers who have no idea what you're talking about (in this case, DragonFable). So at least for the first time, abbreviations should be spelled out. Also, if I read some of others' comments correctly, clarifying the "main character" might not hurt also. Something like, "...called Drake (The playable hero in the game DragonFable.)". Just something to consider.
4.quote:
He is quickly drawn into a world of deep magic and powerful sorcery, discovering about what his fate was. And what it could have been... The first bolded words seem very confusing, both in tense and structure. To take the words without revision, the preposition "about" is not necessary and in fact can cause the reader to stumble before getting the full message. In other words, the sentence is just as clear, if not better, as, "...powerful sorcery, discovering what his fate was." Does that make sense?
---Also, the relationship between Varen's two fates—the fate that was and the fate that could have been—seem too closely related because they are both past-tense. Remember so far it has been "Varen is happy." "He is a well-known soldier." I feel the message is better achieved as "...discovering what his fate is. And what it could have been..."
---But, all that said, I would recommend a touch more mystery for the beginning before Chapter 1. Perhaps the reader doesn't have to know he outright discovers what his fate is (if he does at all). Perhaps he is drawn into a new and strange world, "discovering glimpses of his fate. And what it could have been...". Do you see what I mean? But this is a style choice and up to you.
5.quote:
The sun rose high above the clouds that day. Great billowing clouds broke and the sun shone through the darkness, the star illuminating the great town. First off, do pardon me. I am a stickler for places where repetitiveness or redundancies may occur. Because you just recently used "clouds" in the previous sentence, to use it again so soon might give less smooth flow to the sentences. Or it could be perfectly fine. The same word in two sentences next to each other can be perfectly fine, but if you feel it should be adjusted in some way, go for it.
---Also, it is not necessary to use "the star" as describing what illuminates the great town. You already have "the sun" shining a little ways back and what the comma does here is simply allow another verb to be added to the noun acting out. Looking at it simplistically: "The sun shone, illuminating the town." That sentence makes perfect sense as it is, so it doesn't need a synonym talking about the same thing, such as, "The sun shone, the sun illuminating the town." It just feels extra and so should be taken out.
6.quote:
Little wooden houses sprawled across the land, and the people woke up to the luminous light of Lore. I'm not certain about the verb "sprawled". Or, at least, this particular wording is uncommon to me. The term means to be stretched or spread out, so it might be better to word it as "Little wooden houses lay (or were) sprawled across the land.", so it doesn't seem that the houses just now decided to act and sprawl themselves across the land. Does that make sense?
---Also, it might help to qualify who these people are who were introduced out of the blue. Perhaps they're "the people within them" (the houses?) or they're "the people of Falconreach". Whatever you do, just be sure you're able to go from the very broad region of houses across the land to the more confined, less-spaced houses of Falconreach.
---Lastly, "luminous light of Lore." Good alliteration.
7.quote:
A large granite eagle stretched its wings over the tower unyielding to the gentle breeze of the sea. It might be necessary to put a comma between "tower" and "unyielding". At its current state the sentence reads as if the eagle is stretching its wings over a tower that is not yielding to the breeze of the see, instead of the eagle being the one unyielding.
---Also, the terms "unyielding" and "gentle breeze" don't seem to connect well. To be unyielding means to being unable to give in under pressure, but there's not a lot of pressure with a gentle sea breeze. Perhaps just "breeze" or "winds" would leave room for the reader to assume a more stronger pressure. Something to consider.
8.quote:
The town of Falconreach awakened. Here I am not sure if it could instead be, "The town of Falconreach awoke." There are subtle differences, and you could research the meanings, but this is only minor and at your discretion.
9.quote:
The man lay on his side, his dark cropped hair faced away from the window and his tanned face looked towards it. His muscular arms lay over the orange bed sheets and his dark brown eyes opened up to the sight of his curtains. I'm very cautious to introduce characters we've never met yet with "the". It often makes the reader think, "Wait, is there a particular man or orange bed sheets we should already know about?" And the brief prologue shouldn't count inside the narrative, so I would strongly advice having it be "A man lay on his side..." and "His muscular arms lay (or perhaps hung?) over (simply) orange bed sheets...".
---Also, with the terms "faced" and "looked", it might be better only to have one or neither at all. The sentence, "A man lay in his side, his hair away from the window and his face towards it." is perfectly fine without the two verbs (both of which are synonymous and potentially repetitive). It is helpful to keep in mind that it is more often than not a good thing to give the same message with the least amount of words as you can, or without as much additional words as you can. Does that make sense? It just strengthens the writing and keeps good flow of the story. So there's that, but if you did want to have one of those verbs still in the sentence then that is completely fine as well. I would just recommend then keeping "faced" because the second part is then used with a silent copy from the first one: "...his hair faced away from the window and his tanned face (faced) towards it."
10.quote:
He craned his neck to look up towards the open window, and watched the sun rise on the horizon. Going again with compacting sentences with the same amount of punch, the sentence could be written "He craned his neck towards the open window..." without losing anything critical and so should be considered.
---Also, it may not be necessary to have the comma. The man is performing two actions almost instantly together, "He craned his neck and watched the sun", so a pause with a comma might disrupt the readers' flow.
11. quote:
His tired eyes blinked and his head pulsed from the blood running from his head to his body. As his mind began to register things properly he looked at his bed sheet. Why is his mind needing to register things properly. Is the blood running from his head (even though he hasn't sat up fully yet) causing his mind to not focus? But if that's the case, why was he able to see the sun and remember watching the moon and stars and be fascinated by astronomy? I would recommend simply deleting the bolded words or having you look over it again.
12.quote:
‘Orange. Why did I choose orange over all the other colours I could have had?’ He could find no logical reason to why he had bought orange bed sheets, and so he simply stopped thinking about it. This is constructive criticism. Having a man wake up and take the time to contemplate his choice of bed sheet color logically, in my opinion, just doesn't keep strong interest in the reader. It's not very dramatic or action-packed that will fascinate the reader particularly, so I would recommend trimming it down to match the character of the man just waking up. "Orange. Why did I choose orange?" seems better because the "over all the other colors I could have had" seems implied and not something he would explain in length to himself.
---Also, the "He could find no logical reason to why he had bought..." part also seems a touch excessive. It is implied that, if he is thinking about it, it will be logical reasoning, and the "to why" might be too elegant or formal for the character. The being unable to "find" the reason makes me think he sat on his bed searching unsuccessfully for the reason in his memory for some time. Like he started a scan and at the end the result was unsuccessful. I just don't think the character would bother with that much time, so a rewording to "He couldn't remember why he had, so he stopped thinking about it." is quick, simple, and perhaps addresses the humor a little better.
---Also, if you caught on from the suggested sentence I gave, the comma and the "and" probably shouldn't be together. It should be one or the other in this case. The comma is used in sentences like this to replace the "and". For instance, "He couldn't remember and so he stopped." and "He couldn't remember, so he stopped." have the same meaning, but are just constructed differently.
---Lastly, the "simply" I feel is already implied and doesn't need to be written, tying back in with the above suggestion.
13.quote:
He sat up straight rubbing his sleepy eyes and opening his mouth widely to yawn. He stretched his arms out instinctively as he yawned, his eyes squeezing shut as his mouth stretched open. There ought to be a comma right after "straight", in order to introduce that he is both sitting up and also rubbing.
---Also, there are three close instances describing the one action of yawning. I would suggest deleting the first and third instances to avoid repetition, but it's your call.
14.quote:
He turned his head to the left, and grasped his hand around the window’s handle, quickly shutting it to get rid of the cold sea air. He quickly shut the curtains so he could get changed and realised all too quickly that his curtains were also orange. His thoughts about the colour orange returned all too quickly. The choice is yours, but "to the left" might not be needed if it is not too important. The should be a fine balance where the audience has enough detail to not be left squandering for information to piece the story together, but not too much detail that they are forced not to make imagination assumptions which helps draw the reader in. Does that make sense? Just something to look out for.
---Also, "realised" is a spelling particularly used by the British. I will make a note of this, for my own sake, and simply remind you then to remain consistent in all versions of spelling choices. Additionally, is "realised" the best word? Is this a new discovery for him? Has he never seen the color of the curtains before? It doesn't seem as strong in practicality because it suggests he woke up in a room he's never been in before. Perhaps describing the sun brightening the orange in the curtains while he shut them would lessen the direct pointing-out of the color again, but still maneuver the reader back to the humorous part.
---Also, there are several "quickly"s and "all too quickly"s close together. Consider revisions.
15.quote:
‘Orange again! What was I thinking when I got these curtains?’ With the previous sentence giving a narration that his thoughts returned to the color orange and now here giving an action that expresses his very thoughts returning to the color orange, there's probably too much repetition here. I would recommend deleting the bolded words or revising previous sentences. Remember, you don't need to pave too clear a path to the humor. The reader can work a little to catch the subtlety and be that much more invested in the story.
16.quote:
He swung his legs out of the bed. He wearily looked at his cupboard, his body still refusing to wake up. He walked over to the oak wardrobe, his legs dragging along the ground like an injured soldier. He opened the door of his expensive furniture and sifted through his various belongings All of these sentences start the same way. Try restructuring the format of them to make each one unique to the reader.
---Also, the term "furniture" has always been plural to me. It might be better to say, "...opened the door of his expensive piece of furniture" or delete that part entirely. The reader will still be able to get that he is opening the door to his wardrobe.
17.quote:
He carried on searching through his pieces of armour and clothing and stopped when he finally found a thick and dirty cloth shirt. Because the previous sentences already described that his armor came in pieces, it would work just as well to remove the bolded words. In looking at this, though, I might be getting a touch picky and will try to refrain.
18. quote:
As a soldier of Falconreach he had faced much worse smells and odours, and seen much worse than horrible looking shirts. I'm not certain on the relationship with a comma, an "and", and the previous "to have verbed". For all I know, the "and seen" could be perfectly right, but it at least raised a curious flag for me. I would recommend research or revision, or even nothing at all. I'm just not sure....
---Also, I would change the second bolded words into a hyphenated "horrible-looking" because it is linked to describe an object.
19.quote:
He quickly pulled the smelly top over his head and onto his body before closing the solid doors of his wardrobe. These can be considered optional and implied, respectively, and are yours to consider.
20.quote:
He turned and began kneeling so he could get to the bottom draw of his small, rather boring cupboard. Due to the sentence after this stating that he did get to the bottom draw, it might be more affirmative to say that he "turned and knelt to get to the bottom draw". Having him begin to kneel makes me think it will take some time and there might be a dramatic interrupt before he gets to the bottom.
---Also, simply keep in mind the extent of what kind of narrative you want the story to be. Words like "rather" and "boring" within narrative parts and not characters imply the opinions of the author. That might be fine or not fine depending on how personal you want the story to be narrated and the process of doing so.
21.quote:
He opened it up, and found a pair of long, black trousers. Because the two actions of opening and finding are very close together, a comma probably doesn't need to be used.
22.quote:
He heard a knock at the door. His head swiveled quickly, turning to the door on the opposite side of the house. He turned back, quickly picking up a pair of shoes, with the name ‘Varen’ written across the insides in some sort of silver ink. This may be a style choice, but the bold part may seem almost too expositional, too detailed in just one sentence. Perhaps in the others to come these details could be added, but this particular sentence is being made sort of robotic or step-by-step in nature because of the detail in narrative writing. Does that make any sense? Deleting the bold part and having it be "He quickly picked up a pair of shoes..." can still make the point that he is aware of the person at the door and is hurrying. Let me know if I can explain this better.
23.quote:
He turned back, quickly picking up a pair of shoes, with the name ‘Varen’ written across the insides in some sort of silver ink. He pulled on some large, dark greaves that covered most of the front of his lower leg before fitting another onto his other leg. He swiftly moved towards the door and, in one swift move, he opened the door and jumped back to his wardrobe. He began to strap a breastplate on; he had found it lying in one of his larger cupboard draws. Simply that all these conjoining sentences start the same way. Try restructuring some.
24.quote:
“Varen are you alright? You seem a bit busy...” The voice trailed off, ending with neither a statement nor a question. Despite this, the man replied, retorting quickly to the comment. Whenever a person is being addressed like this in dialogue a comma must follow the name. "Varen, are you alright?"
---Also, the comma in the second bolded part may not be necessary. It's your choice to remove it if you think it causes too great a pause in the flow of the story.
25.quote:
This time Varen’s voice faded off into the distant reaches of sound as he struggled to fit on a pair of pauldrons onto his arms. He hopped around a bit, before finally fitting them on. He walked over to the door before fighting with his armour any more. The words "on" and "onto" are synonymous and together are redundant. I would recommend deleting the "on".
---Also, I would delete the comma. It seems unnecessary for a sentence of sturdy narration. It works smoothly without it.
---Also, the word "armour" makes me think he is going to the door before fighting with one whole piece of armor instead of many individual pieces. It could be more clear to write, "...fighting with his other pieces of armour."
26.quote:
It was no taller than two foot, including its ears. I believe this should be "feet". The phrase "two foot" makes it seem like a height stat instead of a natural observation.
27.quote:
t carried a staff (to Varen it was a stick, but to the creature itself it was a staff) that was quite simple, a single smooth stick with a little rope attached around the end; a small leaf was attached to the top, that moved in the gentle breeze outside. Its head was small, no bigger than the size of one’s fist, and plonked onto it was a small, shiny black nose, and two deep and sparkling eyes. The first bold comma should be a colon (:) because it is about to introduce or explain the simplicity of the stick. Having it be a comma makes it a run-on sentence of sorts.
---Also, the second bold comma might need to be deleted. It makes an unnecessary pause in describing the small leaf.
---Also, the third bold comma should be deleted because there doesn't need to be a break in the listing of objects described.
28.quote:
“Twilly my friend, how are you? It’s been a long time since you have come here! What could I do for you?” Because an additional piece of information "my friend" is being added to "Twilly, how are you?" there needs to be a comma right before it as "Twilly, my friend, how are you?"
---Also, I have always heard the question as, "What can I do for you?" The term "could" is just uncommon to me, but if you know it to be correct then by all means.
29.quote:
Twilly began answering to Varen’s questions, his voice echoing down the hall of Varen’s house. I don't believe "to" is a necessary part of this sentence. Without it the sentence reads perfectly fine.
---Also, I wasn't aware Varen had a hall. The opposite side of the room I assumed to just be a wall. It might help to describe him walking down a hall or leaving his bedroom, if that is part of his living space.
30.quote:
“Well someone is coming in to town today that I need to meet up with.” Because well is used as an interjection here, it should have a comma. "Well, someone is coming..."
31.quote:
A picture would be better for the job than any description that he gave. Varen stood up, and ran into his room to look for some paper, or a piece of useless parchment. He quickly found a useless parchment in his Important Letter Cabinet and ran over to Twilly to give it to him. With "would" I'm wondering if the sentence should end as "...he could give." but I'm not sure if it's wrong to begin with.
---Also, the two bolded commas are not necessary and should be deleted because there is no reason to instigate a pause between the list of events.
---Also, "he found a useless parchment" makes it seem like he found a quest item "A Useless Parchment". Is that right? And why would a useless parchment be in an important cabinet?
32.quote:
He had tried to be as fast as possible, in case the person passed through Falconreach without him or Twilly noticing. I'm not certain if there is a hard-and-fast rule to this particular situation, but, as if you were to say "Twilly and I", should Twilly be named first and him second? "...without Twilly or him noticing."
33.quote:
“So Twilly, what is this...badge he is wearing?”Twilly smiled gleefully.
“That is a Pactogram silly! Everyone knows about it! It is the symbol of the Pactagonal Knights of Oaklore. That is where the person is coming from!” Varen nodded understandingly. As long as he knew something about the person, and where they were coming from he was fine. Just make sure to put a space after the quote and before Twilly.
---Also, because "silly" is interjected toward Varen, there should be a comma before it. "That is a Pactogram, silly!"
---Also, because "and where they were coming from" is an complete and added bit of information to the sentence, there should be commas before and after it. "...where they were coming from, he was fine."
34.quote:
“Ok, I will just get ready and head out to the West entrance. I’ll bring him to you when he arrives.” Twilly smiled broadly, and headed out of the wooden door. Varen turned around, and headed back towards his wardrobe. At the bottom of it, was a small draw. It was about a metre and a half long, perhaps a little longer. In Varen’s mind it seemed a little...off. He had had a bad feeling about a lot of things, but this was one of the worst. He couldn’t help to feel as if there was something ghostly about the draw. Referencing a dictionary, the correct way of spelling this would be both letters capitalized. "OK, I will just get ready..." But this seems uncommon, and the "Ok" feels more like abbreviation, so I would strongly recommend replacing it with "Okay, I will just get ready" instead.
---Also, the bold commas are not necessary as pauses.
---Also, the "of" in heading out the door seem additional and not necessary to have the sentence make sense.
---Also, what specifically is a draw? I know it can be a drawing. Can it also be a drawer? I'm just not familiar with the term.
I must end the critique here. Later I may resume it but I cannot continue at this point in time. While you look through these first critiques, search through your story to see where you can strengthen sentences. Be careful using too many adverbs (-ly ending words) so they don't become repetitive and weaken the story's interest. Try to explore various ways of writing a sentence to keep freshness to the read but not having the sentences be overly long and burdensome with descriptors.
This is already a good improvement for Chapter 1. I hope this has been in some way helpful and will give insight to the rest of the chapter and story to see if there is anything you can go through again and improve.
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