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tommy2468 -> RE: =AQ= Xov's Assault stories and poetry Commentary (8/6/2013 7:09:04)
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@kors A Song Of Fire And Ice XD Love it [:D] Now onto the review:
Not sure if I should begin with spellings mistakes (because I become very annoying :L) but I'll just post the ones I found anyway:
Second Paragraph, second line:
quote:
It was an unusually thick plum slowly drifting towards the distant stars, most of the villages rarely held a bonfire in times war was imminent
Should be "plume" and "the villagers rarely held a bonfire in times when/ if war was imminent"
quote:
Hict shrugged off the large piece of metal
quote:
he sluggishly crawls away from the blaze
I'm positive that this will not really mean anything to anyone else but you seem to go back and forth between the present and the past tense here.
It should either be "shrugged" and "crawled", or "shrugs" and "crawls"
It's not really an issue when it comes to your writing because you have very good and consistent writing. I don't recall having seen this sort of tense mash up previously so I presume it was just a momentary thing.
If you are to write in the past tense (as I do) then everything has already happened and you are simply recalling the story in a way. But if you choose to write in the present then everything becomes a little more chaotic as it becomes more difficult to guess what will occur. But I think writing in the present is much easier when you are writing in a first person perspective:
"I sluggishly, but surely, crawl away from the fire.", "I shrug off the the large piece of metal"
But seeing as you have so many characters and you have already been telling your story in a 3rd person perspective it would not benefit your story to change now.
Once again what you have done does nothing to hinder your story (I DID say I would become annoying :P)
quote:
The slightest movement from where Madara was laying told the immortal why everyone tried to keep Strom back
"Storm"
quote:
I know Hict'll be but Madara did not seem in very good shape
"I know Hict'll be okay/ fine?"
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The numbers of monsters was still well above what would allow for a chance at victory
"were"
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Clan Aerodu, this Salem speaking
"this is Salem speaking" Unless Salem was nervous about speaking to the whole Clan. In which case his nervousness would probably make him skip a few words :P
quote:
Those you joining me
"Those of you joining me" Again, same as above.
quote:
but no I know that the Reaper refuses to let me anywhere near his realm
"now"
quote:
managed to keep up well enough to avoid have the hand at the top of his robes pulling them to tight around his neck
"having" and "too"
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Salems voice came over the intercom
"Salem's"
quote:
A dozen Clansmen in the medical bay instantly jumped at the chance for glory that Salem offered.
"the glory"
quote:
A perfect calvary for the eternally bright Clan of Lucian
It should be "cavalry" but cavalry only applies to warriors on horseback (but can probably be stretched to Koofu and Lorian creatures)
May I suggest "Platoon", "Guard", "Battalion"*, "Company" or "Corps" (I'm sure there are loads more but those are the only I could think of at the moment)
(*depending on numbers in your story:L)
All in all I think that was a very interesting chapter. I like that you are deciding to split up your chapters to follow certain clans, rather than haphazardly going back and forth between all of them. A good set up for the next chapter that we see the Aerodu and Lucians fight together :D
@Hict Thanks for that. It was pointed out to me before but I thought I had changed it [:@]
The reason Hikari Yume showed genuine care for Adrian is because the two of them were in a position where they were very likely to die.
It's the same sort of idea with religion: everyone calls to a God in a falling plane.
HY let down his walls and showed care for another because it was possibly the last thing he would ever do. Also he did have great respect for Adrian in the first place for being so brave to go into the Truphma Camp all on his own.
Also my chapter is going to be delayed for a while because I still cannot edit my war story to add on the next chapter or make any changes :L
It appears that my story may have reached a word limit so I will actually need to create another post below the original one :L
This will not be affecting the story but any links that I have posted in the past will bring you to the original post and not the new post underneath which will contain the new chapters :)
Finally got it up XD
Here is the link for Chapter Ten: Death Deciding Decisions
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