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Raharu95 -> RE: =DF= Dragon Rose War Commentary Thread (7/8/2013 22:54:48)
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Here is for your story Nix ^^ a bit of corrections I could make for Part one 'v'
quote:
Raharu Ydra: Well I might as well take my time to read this card here.
Raharu Ydra: *reads out loud*
"Assignment 47, meet up with a mercenary for The Rose, named Stephen Nix.
Do not let him pass by you. He is very dangerous and he will more than likely not be alone.
Take caution and start setting up a zone for yourself to make sure you have the field advantage.
Set up traps nearby so you have a chance of getting an early hit on him.
Make your way back to base when it's over! Good Luck!"
You forgot Raharu's accent on this three words here~
quote:
Raharu picks up his scythe and rushes towards the ManaHunter in a jousting charge. When the ManaHunter makes his way towards the warrior he slides in a mud puddle and starts to lose his balance. At the same time Raharu steps in the mud and his scythe flies in the air, but just so happens to land on top of the ManaHunter. As the slain hunter lays on the ground motionless, Raharu stands up and after tripping two more times, finally walks towards Stephen Nix.
I know it classified as a Scythe weapon in the game, but as the name suggest, this is actually a glaive X3
quote:
Raharu holds his spear in the air with water as this warrior was not so simple. For he has a deep past dabbing into the powers of water magic. While all of this is happening, Nix continues to waddle towards him and eventually just as Raharu is prepared to throw the scythe, Stephen takes the scythe out of Raharu's hands and tosses it aside. He then headbutts Raharu, and as the young warrior holds his head in pain, stands back three paces and freezes Raharu on the spot.
You called Raharu's weapon two different things here XP
quote:
Raharu Ydra: Just give me one more chance! I mean, you haven't even seen the Vurr-Men side of me get into action!
This one was my fault. It is actually VurrMan, not Vurr-men as I sent it to you >_~
Besides that, hehe, I liked the first Part ^^ It was honestly Humorous~ Also, I meant Ydra to be a last name for Raharu. but I never told you that, so it is not problem that maybe you put it up too much in each of his dialogues.
Part 2 Critique~
quote:
Raharu Ydra: *reads sign* Before you hero is your challenge. The game is simple, without destroying the turret about 100 yards away, your objective is to get past it. Be warned, this is no ordinary turret for it shoots out magic bolts at you with precise aiming. You need to focus and think how to get past this turret and make it safely to us on the other side to our base. Good luck!
Missing accents here~
quote:
Raharu takes out his Glaive of the Orb and summons a small tide of water to circulate around the scythe, however the circling only lasts for so long until Raharu yawns and the water is thrown onto Saphier by accident.
glaive, thought you could say scythe weapon instead.
quote:
Raharu Ydra: *looks at the dragons that are now within 5 feet* Umm, guys, there getting closer!
I believe you meant to write they're or they are, and the accent is missing 'v'
Raharu starts to get flustered, but focuses on the task and before the next 3 dragons approach, Raharu's scythe glows bright green and he points that end at Break as the enchantment begins to glow over Break's body.
glaive~
quote:
Raharu steps forward. A bit wary, but charges with his scythe, he approaches the first dark dragon and focuses till his scythe turns blue. The dark dragon breathes dark fire but the blue scythe summons around Raharu a shield which blocks all the dragons attack. Raharu, then steps forward and jumps at the dragon and slays the beast down. An ice dragon picks up Raharu and soars with him on his claws in the air, Raharu commands his body to go red and with his scythe. He breaks free from one foot of the ice dragon and flips himself to land on the ice dragon's back and stabs it with his scythe.
Glaive, Glaive, weapon, Glaive,
on that last one, I think it would sound better if you wrote "And stabs it with the edge of his blade" :3, otherwise, is glaive again ^^'
quote:
As the ice dragon crash-lands into a cliff, a red and blue dragon fly towards Raharu. Raharu's scythe turns purple and he throws it past the dragons and as they move closer to him, the scythe returns and slices through each dragon. Raharu catches the scythe and lastly turns it bright yellow. He takes a few steps back and points at the ground as the two dragons walk towards him, the dragons fall into a giant pit in the ground. Raharu then jumps in and slays each dragon. Slowly he picks himself up and gets out of the pit, alive. He then starts to walk back towards Break and Saphier.
Glaive ^^'
quote:
Raharu Ydra: I can't tell you how helpful this training session was!
accent 'v'
Well that was an enjoyable read. I seem to be making progress at an unbelievable speed XP
More Critique coming soon 'v'
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