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Raharu95 -> RE: =DF= Dragon Rose War Commentary Thread (7/20/2013 15:09:04)
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Read! I can whole heatedly said dat I loves it ^^
Nix, I can say that your writing is a bit cheesy and could give a bit more details. Like Detailing the surroundings or the characters a bit more. But for what is worth, you honestly wrote a humorous tale ^^ I enjoyed it, not only because I was the star, but because it honestly made me smile while reading it ^^ Plus you gave me an idea 'v'
My only complain is dat the transformation seemed a bit rushed X3. Dough that's probably because I adore transformations and I liked dem to be more descriptive. I don't know, I just feel like there was something missing. Also I was a bit confused. is Raharu in here suppose to be part VurrMan or a VurrMan who hides as a Human? Cause if it's the former den the dialogues make sense to me, but if it's the later, I get confused since they are talking about wholes. They should be talking about of taking of the mask or to stop hiding your true face instead.~
And now for some spelling corrections ^^
quote:
Raharu: Are you guys Lyserus and Dart?
Dart: Where are our manors?
Lyserus: *stares at Dart* We are an evil clan trying to destroy the world or dominate in it---
Dart: Enough--
Lyserus: I mean even you want to create a world of endless conflict. And your worried about manors?
I believe you meant manners, right? ^^
quote:
Dart: Yeah, ummm funny thing. Though we don't eat the dragons, we ahhhh.........ummmm......how can I say this?
Raharu: *takes a step back* Nnnnoooo!?!?!?!
Dart: Yeeeeeeeeah....
While dat made me laugh, I think the Questions marks are out of place there. Because Raharu is not asking a question, he just exclaiming out in disbelief. Like you can say "No... That Can't be!!" instead of "Are you serious?!" The questions marks make it sounds Ackward in my head ^^" But I'm probably nitpicking here, so I apologize.
quote:
Raharu takes out his Orb of the Glaive and begins clashing with Nix's Skull Cane. Raharu takes a quick moment and somersaults towards one of the boulders and dodges Nix's attack as the cane touches the boulder, it shatters to pieces.
I can't help but think dat's deliberate XP I tend to do dis sort of thing as well X3
Edit: Flashbang down there made me realize my mistake X3, I apologize.
I thank you again for giving my this Opportunity, Nix ^^
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