(Pre-DF) Blood streams on the streets


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1/14/2012 9:36:31

margus20000
Member

Story

Discussion of my story that talks about war before DF.... Story will (not ready yet) talk about Alteon's aka future king's rebellion against king, who was ruling then... A very dark, sadistic and evil king... But as always Good and Evil doesn't exist purely in universe...things aren't always what they seem...

I myself aren't from English-speaking country..that's why I know I have many mistakes in my story...sry about them...

< Message edited by margus20000 -- 1/21/2012 14:38:38 >

_____________________________

Post #: 1

1/14/2012 11:34:31

margus20000
Member

Almost done with Prologue... it will be quite long one :D:D:D

Post #: 2

1/14/2012 14:16:02

margus20000
Member

FINISHED PROLOGUE YES YES YES :D:D:D

Post #: 3

1/14/2012 16:01:08

Glais
Member

Nice start, there are some errors and such, but you explained why they're there, and they don't bother me a whole lot.
The main thing I like s this being in DF's past, as it doesn't have to immediately conform to anything in DF's present time. Focusing on the SlugWrath struggle is also good because we have no info on it, I can easily see a good development of Alteon and how he becomes the king and such, which leaves me wondering where the merchant comes into play.
Anyhow, nice job, I can't wait for the rest.

Post #: 4

1/15/2012 2:38:57

margus20000
Member

I have my own ideas with merchant :D

< Message edited by margus20000 -- 1/15/2012 2:39:18 >

Post #: 5

1/15/2012 2:39:57

Glais
Member

Well obviously, since he's the main character xD
Regardless, I eagerly await where you'll take him.

Post #: 6

1/15/2012 2:43:49

margus20000
Member

I chapter will come soon...

< Message edited by margus20000 -- 1/15/2012 2:44:12 >

Post #: 7

1/21/2012 10:34:20

margus20000
Member

Sry, I made little pause at writing it...now I'm back...

Post #: 8

1/21/2012 14:33:23

margus20000
Member

~~I Part finished :D:D:D So happy :D:D:D~~

My bad, I was wrong...I will add more stuff to it..

< Message edited by margus20000 -- 1/21/2012 16:27:40 >

Post #: 9

1/21/2012 16:02:26

Glais
Member

Nice, off to read it, then I'll edit this post with comments.

Post #: 10

1/21/2012 16:16:10

margus20000
Member

Adding more stuff to I part...

DF	Post #: 11

1/21/2012 16:53:28

margus20000
Member

Okey finished I part's II Part :D

< Message edited by margus20000 -- 1/21/2012 16:54:29 >

DF	Post #: 12

1/21/2012 17:29:20

Glais
Member

Well no need to edit the old post now, but finished I and II either way. I'm noticing a lot of odd sentence fragments, but I'm generally not one to pick at em. The last line in II was incredibly odd though, and really needs to be reworded.

However besides that, good start. And Zorbak is notonly this old, but SlugWrath's advisor? Odd, as he's usually not straight-up evil. But it could advance the plot.
And funny how both our stories are in the past of DF xD Though mine's about 50 years earlier.

Post #: 13

1/21/2012 17:39:04

margus20000
Member

Your story speaks about younger Slugwrath :D:D:D
(Little Fact: Zorbak was a leader of MQ's Ebilcorp...1000 years ago)

~~I will look that sentence..~~ Made some corrections...

< Message edited by margus20000 -- 1/21/2012 17:44:13 >

DF	Post #: 14

1/21/2012 17:41:25

Glais
Member

Well, mine's a different SlugWrath altogether I think.
And yes, Zorbak led Ev/bilCorp 5,000 years ago, but then the Reset happened so I mean...there's really no way to know when he was "reborn" so-to-speak. So what I mean is, it's surprising to see Zorbak here, but not impossible.

Post #: 15

1/21/2012 17:45:47

margus20000
Member

Mine is good king with quite evil advisers, yours Slugwrath is most likely purely evil :D:D:D

Note: I added Seppy to the story also... aka new member of group..:D:D:D

< Message edited by margus20000 -- 1/21/2012 17:48:06 >

DF	Post #: 16

1/21/2012 17:49:21

Glais
Member

Well, arguably Evil. There is one big difference in him to DF's present, he seems to not bear any sort of racism, which is prevalent in DF now (i.e. FrostScythe hated partially because he was of Ice Elf lineage).

And I did notice you portrayed this SlugWrath as not so evil, but they stated in DF (though it was a while ago) that the SlugWrath Alteon killed WAS purely evil, so will there be two SlugWraths in this story?

EDIT:Sepulchure? But...he shouldn't be that old. As he was serving as one of Alteon's Knights and would likely need to be young to do so.

< Message edited by glaisaurus_x -- 1/21/2012 17:50:03 >

Post #: 17

1/21/2012 17:53:57

margus20000
Member

I will make some evil and good "mixing"
spoiler:

Alteon will become quite evil, but he wants to seem as very good and fine person:D:D:D

Seppy aka Septimus (assassin...)
spoiler:

...also I would add that there are possibilities to take over somebody else's body :D:D:D

< Message edited by margus20000 -- 1/21/2012 18:02:56 >

DF	Post #: 18

1/21/2012 18:33:28

Glais
Member

Hm,
spoiler:

Alteon Evil? But he's the flagship for good xD
And on Sepulchure, I guess that could work. Alternatively, Septimus could be Sepulchure's father, with Sepulchure being young at this point in time, Sepulchure didn't strike me as the assassin type anyways.

Post #: 19

1/22/2012 0:08:12

margus20000
Member

I changed it to 30 years before...
spoiler:

...also I would add that there are possibilities to take over somebody else's body :D:D:D...that means someone takes over Septimus's body :D

< Message edited by margus20000 -- 1/22/2012 0:10:31 >

DF	Post #: 20

1/22/2012 0:10:16

Glais
Member

I see, that'd still make Sepulchure what, 50? Assuming he was a 20 year old adult at this time. But again, it's your story and I like where your'e going with it, though Sepulchure still doesn't strike me as an assassin.

Post #: 21

1/22/2012 0:11:26

margus20000
Member

Thanks..I change it to 20 years...much more believable...

DF	Post #: 22

1/22/2012 0:12:21

Glais
Member

Gotcha, all seems good now. Alteon would still be old and wise, but not TOO old, you know?

Post #: 23

1/22/2012 1:02:00

margus20000
Member

Do I have some other major mistakes there ??

DF	Post #: 24

1/22/2012 9:30:27

Dwelling Dragonlord

ArchKnight AQ / OOC / L&L

quote:

Have I seen him before? Even if I was, his scrawny face with faded blond hair covering his eyes didn't seem familiar to me.

Had, had

Alteon has brown hair from what I saw in-game.

I will not lie to you, there is a lot of incorrect grammar in there.

quote:

He didn't said anything against it to me face-to-face, but I fear he plans to kill or even torture me from this deed. I wasn't first one...Tom, who also left from guardian position, have been strangely disappeared. No one haven't seen him after quitting from his position. I fear the worst and I fear same happens with me too. So I run off from capital in hope to find more time to live as a free man with hands and legs strongly attached to my body.... At first I didn't knew where to go, but then I remembered you, good friend from past. That's why I started to come to you... At first I searched you from Moonridge, where you were last time, but there I heard that you had already left. But then I remembered that you talked about some old wooden shabby town with very few houses, that hardly stay up very against the strong northern shore winds. Town, where you bored. Town called Raven..or Eaglereach or something like that...Anyway I found my way to here and here you are..But why are you on streets?? What happened with your parents' house??..."

didn't say, for, the first one, has strangely, has, the same will happen to me, ran, know, my good friend from the past, came, in, The town where you were born(?). The town was called Raven ... Eaglereach or something like that ...

To comment on the last sentence I corrected. Alteon now knows the name obviously, he found his way to Falconreach did he not?

quote:

When you didn't found a place to stay in your hometown then I, stranger don't have even change to find one.."

When you can't even find a place to stay in your own hometown, then how am I as a stranger supposed to find one?

quote:

Friends, who hadn't seen each other in a long time talked all-night-long. Alteon spoke about his heroic deeds and harsh journey to me. I envied him because of his interesting brave adventures. I spoke about not so interesting economy problems and about me having hard time to find clients to my merchandises. But at the same time, when we were distracted by our dialog, someone was lurking in Falconreach. Someone sneaky and deadly. But we didn't knew about it at the time. We only heard time-to-time branch crackings and rustle from bushes near of us. We thought that it was only wind. But it wasn't. It was a farewell gift from our beloved king, Slugwrath....

For the first sentence, are you talking about friends in general or specifically you and Alteon?

for the bravery he showed on his interesting adventures.

for/to sell, dialogue, know, branches cracking

AQW

Post #: 25

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