Firefly
Lore-ian
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Forget you? Never! Heck, I've been away longer than you have, since I've had a... what? half-year absence? And you have the (strange) honour of being the second person to be commented on since I got back.
Reading the latest addition, and hoping you have the time to check out my suggestions. I'll get the corrections over with before we move on to the good stuff.
quote:
Fill my feeble little mind
This word is... pretty weak. And quite unnecessary with "feeble" there. I'd say take it out, but if you want this line to be of a similar length as the next, replace it with another word. The most descriptive possibility I can think of is "malleable", but that's three syllables, one more than "little." Your call.
quote:
why grass is black and water white.
Just reminding you that grass is not black and water is not white. =P They're green and clear, respectively. I think you're saying this incorrectly on purpose to represent how the second person is lying to the narrator, but because you say "why" instead of "that," it sounds like you're saying that the fact is right--it's just the explanation that is wrong. Unless you're purposefully making the narrator not know the truth despite what he/she is saying... making things more tragic. Hmm.
quote:
But how you can make me see.
This line is kinda awkward. Not sure exactly what you mean there.
quote:
And I will not complain,
I will comply.
Like the wordply. I think the comma should be a semicolon though.
quote:
Even though I know you lie.
Even though both make sense, "lie" doesn't seem to sound right in my head. It's correct here, but reminds me slightly of those sloppy ways of speech... I think "lied" would flow better.
quote:
And I slowly go insane,
and your wishes seem inane.
And I have nothing left to lose,
for you told me the whole truth.
While I accept tense shifting for the sake of style, this part was slightly awkward. Stuffing the whole thing with "will's" is probably a bad idea though. I think the last stanza will carry into this one perfectly if you just add a single "will" to the first line. Everything else works fine.
In conclusion, I loved this poem. It is wonderfully dark, but not in a blatant or mind-numbing way. You've captured a very odd state of mind and managed to make it believable, which I really admire. You've portrayed the states of obsession, willful blindness, twisted devotion... all qualities that I--as more of a writer than a poet--tend to stuff into my characters. And in an odd way, I can relate to this, not just through my characters but through myself, simply because I react in almost an opposite way than this narrator. Yes, I can still relate. Makes no sense, I know. =P But don't worry, I'm just saying it's a nice poem, and my comments are more like picky opinions than anything else. Hope you churn out some more poetry soon. ;)
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